Don't read if: you want to read a happy story, can't stand two boys being in love and kissing each other (nothing more), you for whatever reason can't bring yourself to read about someone cutting himself, you hate depressing stories or/and you don't want to.
Do read if: you want to ^^
Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! doesn't belong to me and I do not make any kind of profit from writing this, except for peace of mind.
Standing there, just standing there. It had taken him a while to actually get there. Step by step he'd gotten closer to the edge. He couldn't do this any longer. He was not supposed to live this kind of life, he was just not made for this.
It was a cold day, standing there on the rooftop made him shiver. Today had been another one of those days. Bullies would pick on him and all he did was cry afterwards. No more. He had gotten sick and tired of it. He could not even defend himself, let alone be a mafia boss and take care of a familiga.
His legs quivered as he looked over the edge of the roof. It started raining and he couldn't help but smile sadly at himself due to the fact that the rain washed away his tears. If only they could wash away the pain. The physical pain the bullies had caused today, but mainly the mental wounds that have been so close to healing so many times, only to be ripped open again by whatever means. He felt so alone. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he wasn't, he had his friends. However, somehow it was like they didn't need him, they didn't even want him. That is what it was like for him. As he stared down once again memories started filling his mind.
He could see the time Gokudera-kun had first offered to be his right-hand man, how he had reclined him, since he didn't want to be a mafia boss. How Yamamoto had thought that it was all a game. How Lambo kept whining for sweets and I-pin trying to stop him from doing so. How Dino first entered his life and how he could not imagine it without him anymore. How Hibari-san had grudgingly consented to fight alongside them, only for the sake of fighting. Their battles in the future and how Reborn would always help out when things got really tricky. Reborn's fate in him as his student. How his relationship with Mukuro had started once he had gotten him out of prison. It made him smile more sincerely, but then other memories started mixing with the first ones.
Pictures of his friends covered in blood flashed before his eyes. He was the one to have put them in that danger. His hands balled up to fists as he remembered. Before Reborn came it was just him. He was the only one he needed to take care of. He cried every time after he was bullied, be he was able to brace himself, because his mother had needed him. Now his mother had the kids, Fuuta, Lambo and I-pin. Dad was home sometimes and Reborn was going to take a good care of her, Tsuna was sure. He felt the pain running through his heart when he realized that nobody needed him. Not his mother, not his friends, for they had each other and not even his enemies, because there were far more interesting opponents out there for them. Not even the bullies, they would find a new victim in no-time at all. Not even his lover, because he always preferred to be alone and he could get someone else in a flash. The mafia world needed him the very least, he was after all weak and indecisive. He was not fit to be a boss and he knew it.
His body relaxed slightly as he let out a shaky breath. His entire body was shaking and the tears were flowing freely. He was a complete failure, he was sure of it. He had written them all a note, not even sure if they would care enough to read them.
Dear Hibari-san,
I'm sorry for making a mess of school property.
Obviously, it won't happen again.
Sawada Tsunayoshi.
That one was probably the easiest to write, because if there was one person in this entire world that couldn't care less about him dying it would be Hibari-san. All he would care about was the fact that Tsuna was polluting school property. Luckily he wouldn't be around long enough for Hibari to bite him to death.
Dear Ninth,
I'm sorry for not being the successor you'd hoped I would be.
From now on I will be a nuisance no longer.
And I apologize for putting you in a position in which you will have to find someone else to succeed you.
Sincerely,
Sawada Tsunayoshi.
He was sorry, sorry for the fact that Ninth had to look for somebody else. He was sure Xanxus would love the position, but not quite sure whether Ninth would give it to him. This wasn't what bothered Tsuna the most though. What made him feel bad that he had failed the Ninth. The person he had played with when he was a little boy and who would never let him down.
The rain was starting to pour with more force and speed and so where the tears. Standing there, with the everlasting rain cleansing away the stains the tears would have left on his cheeks if it wouldn't have been there. His sobs were becoming louder, but there was nobody to hear them.
Dear dad,
I'm sorry for the trouble I have caused in the past.
It will not happen again and I will not make the same mistakes.
I never meant for all this to happen, but things got out of hand.
It is better to quit while I still can.
I'm so sorry, sorry for letting you down, but your faith in me was misplaced.
I hope you will find someone else who is worthy of your trust.
I'm sorry,
Tsuna.
His dad… he had let him down. His father had been the one who had chosen his guardians, his protectors. Even though his father hadn't been home often, Tsuna still loved him. Letting his father down was something no boy would ever like to do. His father had been proud at him on multiple occasions, but when it came to it Tsuna was still Dame-Tsuna and he wanted to spare his father from more shame from his side.
Tsuna looked down again. He began to feel scared. He knew what he wanted, no, what he needed to do, but he was scared. He was not so much scared of dying, but more scared of dying alone. He had always wanted a long life, surrounded by the people he loved, but it was not meant to be. However, he felt that he needed to put a stop to it all while he still could. While he didn't have a family to take care of.
Dear Haru, I'm sorry for not being the person you wanted me to be.
My sincere apologies for letting you down,
Tsuna.
A short note, but it said all Tsuna needed to let out. He was actually sorry for not being the one she had always thought he was. He hoped she'd just forget him as soon as possible. She had been a wonderful friend and always a huge comfort, but it proved not to be enough. She had always been there, but she didn't understand. Nobody did.
The dark clouds in the sky were packed together, as if being intent on not letting a single ray of sunshine through. It somehow calmed Tsuna down a little. There tears were still flowing freely, but the sobs became more quiet as he felt like the world, or at least the sky, was crying with him.
Dear Onii-san,
I'm sorry for never joining the boxing club.
You must be extremely disappointed in me right now.
I know I'm not in the position to ask any favours of you right now, but please, don't cease to take a good care of Kyoko-chan, because I cannot do so any longer.
You are very good at protecting her and please, look after the others for a bit as well.
I beg you,
Sawada Tsunayoshi.
Onii-san had fought for Tsuna and his family. Tsuna had done nothing back for him. He felt guilty for leaving without repaying his debts. Still, he doubted that if he had lived for another hundred year he could repay them, but then he could at least try… No, he couldn't go back now.
Standing there, alone, he remembered why he was doing this. His life was miserable. Al those people who cared about them, it all seemed like a lie. His past was against him in this case. Nobody had been a true friend to him before, so why would that change? He didn't think it would. Everybody was always so caring and friendly and he was relatively happy when he was around them, but when he was alone his thoughts would start to wander. He would start to make up all kinds of excuses in his head why these people could not possibly care about him and then he would start cutting. Cutting his arm. Not his wrists, for he hadn't wanted to die and being Dame-Tsuna made it likely for him to hit some major artery. No, he cut higher up his arm and at the other side, where there were no main arteries. Furthermore, it was easier to hide that way. From the day he had started and onwards he only wore long-sleeved T-shirts, shirts, sweaters, etc. and nobody ever questioned it. Putting up a fake smile everywhere he went, with everything he did, until he was alone.
Dear Chrome,
I'm sorry for dragging you into all of this.
I'm sorry for making you keep secrets from Mukuro.
That time, when you walked in on me setting a knife in my flesh, I thought I had locked the door.
You knocked and I didn't answer.
I was too caught up in my own world.
I'm sorry for traumatizing you like that, when I'm gone you might want to talk about it to someone, maybe Mukuro.
I wished you hadn't found out, because I noticed that you were always tense and different around me from that point on.
I'm sorry Chrome, please forget it ever happened,
Tsuna.
He had damaged the poor girl's eyes. She had already been through so much horror in her life, Tsuna hadn't meant to add another scar to all her mental wounds. She had been nice to him, but after she saw him cutting himself, she had changed towards him. She was still nice, but less warm and somehow she seemed concerned about him.
-flashback-
He was all alone in his room and he had allowed himself to drown in his sorrows. He looked at the knife like it was the most enchanting thing he had ever seen. It was. It was something that could take all the mental pain away and replace it with the pleasure of physical pain. The good thing about physical pain was that it was sure to go away one day. Right when he had set the knife into his arm and watched the small droplets of blood well from underneath it Chrome had walked in.
"Boss?" she had asked. Then her eyes had widened at the sight of her boss inflicting pain on himself.
The boss in question was frozen in shock. He quickly took the knife out of his arm and put it down, trying not to scare Chrome even more. She didn't back away when he approached her.
"Please Chrome, don't tell anyone about what you just saw. Please just pretend like it didn't happen," Tsuna had requested in a boss-like manner.
Chrome had simply nodded and walked out of the room, completely dazed. Tsuna couldn't help but curse at himself for not locking the door properly.
-end flashback-
After that he had never forgotten to lock the door when he was doing such things ever again. He supposed he was lucky it was Chrome who had walked in, she was probably the only one who wouldn't overreact in front of him.
Right then his train of thought was interrupted by a flash of lightning, followed by an overwhelming thunder.
Dear Lambo and I-pin,
I'm sorry for not playing with you two enough.
I should have taken you out to do fun things more often, but now it's too late, unfortunately.
I'll be going away and I won't be coming back.
When you're older you'll hopefully understand.
I also hope that the two of you will never feel the way I do.
Lambo, be good, for mama's sake.
I-pin, please help mama out sometimes, don't forget to play often though.
Please forgive me for not being there for you enough,
Tsuna.
The two children, less innocent than they look, but still children. Whether they could fight or not, they were still too young to comprehend this kind of thing. Tsuna didn't want to leave them alone, but he was sure that they would be better off without him. Mama would take care of them and they would take care of mama.
A shiver ran up Tsuna's spine as night started to fall and the world became even darker than it already was.
Dear Kyoko-chan,
I'm sorry for leaving this suddenly.
I'm sorry for everything I put you, Haru and Onii-san through.
Never did I intend for things to turn out this way, but they did.
Your life had changed from the moment you first talked to me.
You have been in constant danger and anxiety since.
I hope my departure will change this and make your life as good as it was before we officially met.
I wish things were different Kyoko-chan, but they're not.
Do not forget about your brother though, you need each other.
He is far more important to your life than I am.
I miss you already Kyoko-chan,
Tsuna.
Kyoko, one of the people whose life he had put in danger, just by existing. He hoped dying would help her life to become safe and without bloodshed again. If only he could erase all the memories of the future from her mind, than he would feel so much better. However, he knew he could not, therefore he needed the constant threat towards her out of the way. Only one more person had to die for that to happen and that person was him. After all, all the people who wanted something from him went to the people close to him and threatened to hurt them.
Dear Fuuta,
I'm sorry for the countless times you came in trouble because of me.
If I could turn back time I would play with you more and take a better care of you.
I would have taught you a little about the world and I would have shown you some of it.
I would pay more attention to you, for I have been neglecting you.
If you would ask your rankings, I would come out as the biggest coward on the entire planet.
I do not face my problems, I run from them.
You know that, but still you hung out with me.
You knew I was unfit to do anything, but still you did not run away from me.
I appreciate that Fuuta, I can't even start to describe how much that means to me.
You are more important to me than I ever managed to show and I'm sorry for not telling you earlier.
Please, don't hate me for all the things I did wrong.
Tsuna
Fuuta had always been there for him when he needed him, but he often failed to notice him and his importance. How he regretted never telling the boy in person how much he actually meant to him. He felt terrible because of it and it was one of the reasons he had not yet taken the plunge. He knew he could not go back now, but he wished he could. He wished he could talk to Fuuta one last time.
As roaring thunder filled the sky above him, accompanied by flashes of lightning, the only thing that lit up the world, Tsuna stood there. The never ending flow of tears, together with the pouring rain, wetting his face. He was soaked by the rain and chilled to the bone. The sobbing that had died away a while ago was now back with all its fierceness. He could no longer hold anything back. His teeth were chattering and he wished he had the guts to just jump already.
Dear Dino,
I'm sorry for failing you as a little brother.
I hope you can forgive me one day for what I know I'll be putting everyone through.
You are strong and the two of us are nothing alike.
Still, I hope that one day you will understand that what I'm doing is in everybody's best interest.
Take care Dino, of yourself, your family and your alliance with Vongola, for nobody of the Vongola family could carry on normally without you.
I am only trying to do the right thing, so please don't be mad at me or disappointed in me.
Your little bro,
Tsuna.
Dino, the one who had always been there when the going got tough. The one who had gotten him out of trouble on multiple occasions. The sheepish grin never failing to either scare Tsuna or let him laugh. The only older brother he had ever had. He was pretty sure the blond wouldn't be too mad at him, just disappointed, very disappointed. Tsuna had always wanted to be like Dino, a little less clumsy perhaps, but with the same courage and authority. However, Tsuna just couldn't pull it off, he was not meant to be a figure of authority. He was supposed to remain unnoticed.
The winds started blowing with more fury, the raindrops seemed to increase in size and kept beating down on the hopelessly shivering boy standing on the rooftop. He felt like a complete coward, his life had to end, there and then, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it, not quite yet anyway.
Dear Yamamoto,
I'm sorry for being so selfish.
A wise baseball player once told me that friends sacrifice themselves for the other.
He had put his baseball career on the line by blocking an attack that would hit me with his good arm.
He had laughed it off and said it was no big deal.
Obviously it was.
Everything turned out fine with his arm, but it was the gesture that did it.
I am sorry to say that I have never repaid you for that gesture.
See this as my sacrifice for you.
With all my heart I wish it is enough to repay all that I owe you.
Take a good care of Gokudera-kun, the two of you were made for each other.
You are an amazing friend, please don't ever forget who you are.
Tsuna.
Tsuna owed Yamamoto so much that he doubted if this would make it right, but he could still try. The baseball-playing swordsman had saved his and many other lives so often, that Tsuna had stopped keeping track. He was sure that Yamamoto would take a good care of Gokudera, ever since they were together Gokudera smiled more often and Yamamoto's smile had never been a forced one ever again. Tsuna was quite sure that this event was going to change that, but all he could do was hope that it wouldn't last.
Dear Gokudera-kun,
I'm sorry for not being the boss you believed me to be.
I just want to let you know that you are the best right-hand man a boss could ever wish for.
Thank you for always protecting me, even if you went a little far in doing so sometimes.
Also, you are an amazing friend.
You are one of my closest friends, and trust me, I don't have many.
You deemed me worthy of being the tenth successor of Vongola and I'm sorry to let you down.
I was just not meant to be a boss.
However, I want you to know that you have never failed me, ever.
I thank you for all the times we had fun together.
Promise me one thing though, don't lock the others out.
Keep Yamamoto close to you, for I know you love him with all your heart.
Don't let this, me, come between you.
Thank you for always helping me with all the problems I always had at school.
Even though you were a little too technical for me sometimes, you helped me out whenever I needed your help.
Please, forgive me for all the mistakes I made.
Thanks for everything, my right-hand man.
Tsuna.
Gokudera-kun… Tsuna already felt he might be doing something the bomber would not be able to handle. Nevertheless, Gokudera had Yamamoto and Tsuna sincerely hoped the silver-haired teen would listen and act by Tsuna's last wish to him. Tsuna hated the thought of Gokudera locking people out and becoming like he himself was right now. He hoped his friend would carry on with his life in a normal way. Even though Gokudera could be aggressive and moody at times, all loved him. That much Tsuna was sure about.
He took off his sweat vest, revealing the marks the many cutting-sessions had brought upon him. They decorated his arms like red and white lines, all more or less straight, but wound together in a messy way. Tsuna looked at them.
Dear mama,
I'm sorry for everything.
I was your only son and a complete failure.
I just want you to know, you mean the world to me.
You were the one who has always taken care of me and supported me in everything I did.
I miss those times when I was younger.
We used to play together and I treasure every single memory of you I've got.
However, things aren't like they used to be back then.
I have changed.
A few years ago, when this whole affair began, I started to push you away.
It was all unintentionally, but it happened.
We talked less and less.
The both of us were busy with other things, but if I could turn back time, I would have never stopped talking to you.
Sadly though, I cannot turn back time.
Please mama, don't forget me, but remember me the way I was.
The way I was when I was younger.
When the world was big and scary and the house was out private paradise.
I wish I didn't have to put you through all this, I really do.
Your son,
Tsuna.
How he wished he could leave his mother out of this. How he wished he could tell her all was fine and go back home to her. She had raised him, made him to what he was. That was before Reborn came however. The baby hit man had changed his life for the worse the moment Tsuna first saw him. Tsuna did not blame Reborn though, it wasn't Reborn's fault Tsuna was so weak.
Dear Reborn,
I'm sorry for being the worst student ever.
I'm probably the only student you've ever had who failed.
I'm sure that in the future you will train someone to be the true successor of Vongola.
That person will be lucky to have you.
You are the best Reborn, even though you kick me in the head and scold at me regularly, I know you care.
You can be awfully cruel at times, but you have given me lots of things in my life I didn't have before you came.
I can only hope you will one day forgive me for failing.
The worst student you have ever had,
Dame-Tsuna.
Reborn, the one who had pulled him into this mess. Tsuna liked the little hit man a lot. He was mean and sadistic, but he was still his tutor. Tsuna wished there was a way to do this without letting the arcobaleno down, but there wasn't and he knew it. He wondered if Reborn knew of his plans. No, probably not. Otherwise he would have stopped him, right? Definitely.
Tsuna inched forwards a little more, his toes now right over the edge of the building, where the rest of his body would soon follow. Tsuna though about all the scars he had gained in his life. There was one he treasured the most. The one at his neck, a love bite from Mukuro. Every time the illusionist had come over to his place or the other way around Tsuna would bind bandages around his arms, blaming them on training. Mukuro did not always seem to believe him, but he didn't ask any questions, not wanting to push him. Tsuna had appreciated that a lot. He remembered the last time he had seen the man with the pineapple-shaped hair.
-flashback-
"Mukuro?" Tsuna had come over to Kokuyo, as his boyfriend had requested.
"Tsunayoshi-kun," came the calm reply from the next room, Mukuro's bedroom. Tsuna walked over to the room, only to find Mukuro still in bed.
"Mukuro?" the brunet questioned.
"I was tired, so I decided not to get up yet," was Mukuro's answer, as he sat up and beckoned Tsuna to come over to him. Tsuna nervously walked over to the bed, wondering what exactly his mist guardian was thinking.
"Why don't you crawl in next to me, Tsunayoshi-kun?" the illusionist asked. Tsuna took off his shoes and socks, the sweater he was wearing and his jeans. Not too embarrassed, because Mukuro had seen much more of him than just his boxers. He took his jeans off, because he knew how thick the covers of the bed were and how he wouldn't last a minute underneath them, with a warm body next to him, with them on. Tsuna quickly climbed on the bed and lay down next to Mukuro. The latter turned to his side and wrapped his arms around the small frame in front of him, pulling the boy closer to him. Tsuna completely relaxed in his boyfriend's arms and started feeling drowsy. He closed his eyes and leaned in to the comfortable and familiar warmth. He shifted a little so his face was at Mukuro's chest and wrapped his own arms around the illusionist's waist. There he fell asleep, nuzzling into the warmth of the chest before him.
When he woke up it was rather late. Mukuro was still next to him, sliding his hand through Tsuna's hair. Tsuna looked up at Mukuro's face and the latter smiled.
"Tsunayoshi-kun, I have to get going, there is an important meeting I have to attend to in about a quarter of an hour." Tsuna nodded and they both got up. Mukuro was quickly done with making himself look presentable.
"Tsunayoshi-kun, I'd better go." At that Tsuna quickly walked over to his mist guardian, knowing there wouldn't be a next time, and kissed him. The kiss seemed to last for hours, but in fact it lasted about one minute, maybe even less. When Mukuro pulled back, saying he really had to go, Tsuna pouted. Mukuro gave Tsuna one last short kiss on the lips and went away, off to his meeting.
-end flashback-
Tsuna smiled a little through his tears, thinking of that last kiss. Afterwards he had left the note on top of the bed and left.
Dear Mukuro,
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Forever yours,
Tsunayoshi.
He had wanted to write more, but he just didn't know what. He couldn't phrase his feelings, he was bad with words. Still, the small note pretty much summed up everything Tsuna was desperate to let out.
His tears had dried during the remembrance of that beautiful last memory. He shifted forwards a little more, now half of both his feet was over the edge.
'This is it,' he thought. He was about to let himself fall forward when he heard a voice coming from behind him.
"Tsunayoshi-kun?" the mist guardian asked, his eyes still wide of shock from finding Tsuna there, ready to jump. Tsuna shot his mist guardian a sad look.
"I'm sorry Mukuro," he whispered. Taking a deep breath, Tsuna braced himself and jumped, only to find himself unable to. He was surprised to see that it weren't illusions holding him back, it were two strong arms, securely wrapped around his waist.
"I can't let you do this Tsunayoshi-kun, you're mine and I don't let go of toys I like," Mukuro said as he pulled himself and Tsuna away from the edge. Tsuna's recently dried tears started flowing down his cheeks again. He was both scared and relieved about the fact Mukuro had saved him. Maybe, somewhere deep inside his heart, he had always wanted to be saved.
"Tsunayoshi-kun, I love you too," Mukuro said. At that, the rain, which had been pouring down less and less for a while now stopped and somewhere the setting sun behind the clouds could be spotted. The two lovers looked at it.
Standing there, in the arms of the one he loved, Tsuna felt like things maybe weren't as bad as they seemed after all.
A/N: you can skip this if you like. Anyway, I hope the feelings came out right. I know I'm an awful writer and therefore I've decided that I'm going to stop writing fanfics, or at least, I'll stop posting them here. Don't send me any hate-reviews please, for I once felt the way Tsuna did in my story (I'm only saying this because non of you know me in person anyway). Nevertheless, review are appreciated and so is constructive criticism.
Also, I'd like to thank everyone who read this and other of my stories and either reviewed or liked. If you don't hate my writings, you can always say so and I might change my mind. However, I doubt anyone actually cares, for I hate my own stories as well ^^'
Anyway, please review ~