Cast in order appearance: Envy, Alphonse, Edward, Mustang, Dante, Greed, Gluttony

Envy sits on the side of the road in the rain, hitchhiking or desperately trying to hail a cab

Taxi drives by and splashes him with water

Envy: It's because I'm a homunculus, isn't it?!

Gets up and walks under a cloth awning, awning gives out and splashes Envy with water

Envy: … *sniffle* … Don't cry, Envy! D-don't cry!! Whatever you do d-don't cry!!!

Envy begins crying

Envy: I'm weak!

Jumps up and runs over to random person

Envy: Do you think I'm weak?! I'm spineless! Just kill me now, I'm pathetic!

Person holds up hands and backs away slowly

Envy sits back down in a puddle and continues to crying

Envy's voice over: Would you look at that… pretty sad, right? Well you'll never believe this, but that cross dressed homunculus there was actually the leader of all the sins at one time, so much so he was even a threat to Pride's power, and by extension Dante's, who was basically ruling the country. He was a shape shifter, but now he's just a shape, that's right, somebody fixed his form. This guy was a great and powerful ball of charisma! Oh Yeah! Ruling all of Central, *quietly* well mostly by force but…. This is his story… well my story, I'm that homunculus…. The name is Envy… Envy the homunculus, the world's best guy and they ruined my life for no reason! Hard to believe?! Well I tell you what, just go back a ways and this'll all make sense.

Flashes to failed homunculus dragging itself out of a transmutation circle while people scream

Envy voice over: Okay, see now that's a little too far back…. But that's me as a baby! Look how cute I am… that was before I got the um philosopher's stone that is…. Uh okay, move ahead.

Some of Envy's (Hohenheim's son form) best scenes: hanging out in the underground city, smashing the floor in, taking advantage of people, and mocking other homunculus

Envy vo: You see, people did what I told them to! I had a butler and a chef… and a theme song guy… well every awesome person needs one right? There was also that little perk of instantly getting rid of every single problem I had… that included people, special window to throw 'em out and everything. I think this was the day I threw Mustang out the window… he was being an idiot, what can I say? But you see with all these things there was one thing that I wanted really badly, and the only reason I wanted it was because I couldn't have it… that makes me angry *rage*…. But before I tell you what it is I should tell you about the people who ruined my life. First there's Alphonse Elric.

Alphonse (as large suit of armor) walks up to central building and taps guard on the shoulder

Al: Excuse me, my name is Al Elric and I'm here to see the Envy, King Bradley told me to, you see and apparently it's for something important. Oh and by the way have you seen a boy with blonde hair, not the tallest, red cloak?

Guard: No.

Al: … Okay then how do I get to see Envy, well it's my brother he really wants to see, not so much me, I-

Guard (irritated): Up the stairs, to the right, and down the hall, just follow the signs.

Al: Oh, thanks very much, and if you see my brother could you just tell him-?

Guard: No.

Al: T-thank you….

Envy vo: Ah yes the always irritating little brother… and enter older brother.

Ed enters sipping a soda

Envy vo: This is Edward Elric, or as I like to call him, Fullmetal pipsqueak.

Ed: Hey Al.

Al: Brother, where've you been?

Ed: Got thirsty- ow!

Gets hit on the head with a shoe

Mustang (hanging upside down in state alchemist tapestry): That's mine.

Ed: Oh, here.

Throws boot at Mustang, hits him in the face

Mustang: Hey!

Ed: Pay back!

Al: Colonel, why are you stuck in the flag?

Mustang: Envy threw me out the window.

Ed: Can't blame him.

Al helps Mustang out of flag

Al: Why?

Mustang: 'cause I was bothering him.

Ed: I'm supposed to see him now.

Mustang: Don't make him mad, you won't survive the fall.

Ed: What's that supposed to mean?

Mustang (walking away): Just don't get him mad.

Al: Are you gonna be okay?

Mustang: You'll regret it!

Ed: ….

Al: ….

Ed: Well I guess I'll go see him now.

Al: Okay, I'll just stay out here then….

Ed: Coward.

Ed walks in

Envy vo: Now you see what I mean? Those guys are trouble. But as bad as they are they're nothing to what's coming up next. Now mind you, it's my job to tell the other homunculus what to do.

Dante (old woman) sitting in large throne

Envy vo: This is Dante, my illegitimate mother, also living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. I believe she turned fifty this year… again. And to her left you can see her henchman, every decade or so she'll get a new one, but this year's model's name is Greed.

Greed stands next to Dante, blank stare

Envy: I know, I know, he's supposed to be in a cell right now, but he keeps escaping, so giving him the position of Dante's right hand man was the only way to keep him quiet.

Dante (talking to Gluttony): It is no concern of mine whether you have… what was it again?

Gluttony: Um, food?

Dante: Ha! Well it's not my fault you're always so hungry. Go eat a civilian or something.

Gluttony: But I-!

Dante: Pride, get him out of here.

Pride escorts Gluttony out

Envy (out of shot): The nerve of some of those homunculi.

Dante: Tell me about it….

Envy steps from behind chair

Envy: Hi there.

Dante: Oh Envy! I didn't see you there!

Envy: You were doing it again!

Dante: D-d-doing what?

Envy: My job! You tell me what to do, whether I listen or not isn't the issue, then I tell them what to do! It's in the contract! Don't mess with the contract!

Dante: Well I was only dealing with gluttony, you know he's-….

Envy zones out

Envy vo: Look at those wrinkles… what is holding this woman together? Body jump coming up? Hope so… I'm getting tired of looking at this ugly thing everyday….

Greed: Good thinking there Dante! So Envy, what'd ya say? *taps Envy on shoulder*

Envy: Whoa! Don't touch me! No touchy! Got it?! Huh?!

Greed: Uh… uh- yeah sorry.

Guard walks in

Guard: The armored boy's brother is here to see you now, Envy.

Envy: Great! Send him in!

Envy vo: Oh yeah, and remember that thing I told you I really really wanted before? Yeah that thing is Fullmetal pipsqueak's brother. No not like that! Perverts! No to make thing easier for all you out there with sick minds, I wanted the philosopher's stone, aka Alphonse Elric. Now don't ask me why I wanted it cause I'm just about to tell you, jeez impatient much?! Okay I wanted it because it was the only thing I couldn't have, and that made me very angry.

Envy: Okay Dante you can go now.

Dante: Fine.

Envy: Oh yeah and I'm not taking orders from you anymore.

Dante: What?!

Envy: Not, taking, orders, from, you… got it now?

Dante: You can't do that!

Envy: Sure I can! It's like I'm firing you as my mother, see how that works?

Dante: I don't get it!

Envy: Wow you're stupid, how else can I say it? You're being let go, you're part of an outplacement, your department's being downsized, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option? Take your pick, I got more.

Dante: But I'm like your mother!

Envy: Hey everybody's gotta leave the nest eventually, but I'm not leaving this time, you are.

Dante: *rage*

Envy (singsong): So who's in my chair?

Greed: Oh! I know! Dante! Dante's in your chair! Right?!

Envy (sarcastic): Very good Greed! You want a treat?!

Greed: Yeah! Yeah!

Envy: Great, go get it.

Throws red stone down the stairs

Greed dives after it

Envy: You heard the man, up, up, up.

Greed (from bottom of stairs): I'm alright! I'm okay!

Dante gets up and walks away grumbling

Envy sits down

Envy: Okay, send him in.

Ed enters

Envy: Fullmetal pipsqueak!

Ed: *rage*… You wanted to see me?

Envy: Yeah! And I have a favor to ask!

Ed: As long as it doesn't involve being thrown out a window.

Envy: Don't be stupid.

Ed: Okay, well can we make this quick, I really don't want to be here.

Envy: Oh yeah sure, we're done.

Ed: I can go?

Envy: Uh-hu, so just leave your brother here on the way out.

Ed: W-what?

Envy: No one told you? I'm taking the philosophers stone.

Ed: You can't do that!

Envy: I get it, you'll miss him and all that junk. So I'm going to be… n- *gag*… ni- *gag*… nice and give you five days to say goodbye, then I'll come take him.

Ed: What?!

Envy: You're right! Three is plenty! Thanks! Dublith, right? Perfect, see you in three days. Okay guards, escort him out.

Ed: Hey!

Grabbed by back of the neck and dragged out

Envy vo: Oh yes, things were going my way…. Or so I thought.

Alright readers! Thanks for tuning in! most of you might have already read Homunculus Gags and FMA Gags so this should be what you're used to from me. Please review I love all polite comments, because reviews are better than ice-cream! Thanks again for reading and the next ch will be up soon, possibly next week, tell me what day you'd like a regular post :P

Tennessee