Summary: No one had expectations of him. He finally had space to decide what he expected of himself.
Spoilers: Season 3
Disclaimer: If I owned Gilmore girls I wouldn't have written this.
Author's Note: I'd just like to say thanks to Hadar. You were a huge help in creating and writing this. Also, this chapter may be a little misleading. The bulk of the rest of the story will take place in Stars Hollow. At least this is the plan right now.
-----------------
Prologue
Summer, 2003
Jess sat on a bench, staring at the ocean. This was something that he liked about living here, something that the other places he lived had lacked. He could see the moons reflection on the waves as they crashed into the shore. He could hear the rise and fall of the waves, feel the ocean breeze. He could see the lights from the pier in the distance lighting up the boardwalk.
Everything was so... different. The multi-colored lights made it look like a carnival. The ferris wheel had stopped and the kids at the top were rocking it back and forth. The roller coaster roared by, screams and laughter trailing it. Little kids were running around with cotton candy, pulling their parents as fast as they could. The Santa Monica Pier was alive tonight.
He sat on a bench, unmoving, alone.
He could do that here, with no one who cared about his business.
He had been in California for a month now. He was still a little unsure, a little awkward about living here, living with Jimmy. But he hadn't been kicked out yet and hadn't gotten sick of it yet, so he figured that was a good thing.
He looked away from the pier, down at his hands. They held a book. He hadn't even realized he had packed it, but sure enough, when he had opened his bag, there it was. He looked at the cover and fingered the pages inside, noticing the neat handwriting that adorned the first couple pages.
This book reminded him of things. Some of them were good things. He smiled at the memory of how he had obtained this particular book. But some of the memories were not so good.
He closed his eyes and let his head fall into his hands. Everything had just - happened. It got too far out of control before he even realized it needed fixing. And then he was too hard, too stubborn to even try.
The things he had done, the things he hadn't done, they all came back to him. He realized now the way things had ended with Rory was just the tip of the iceberg. It had been a long time coming. She hadn't known what was going on, how could she? He never told her anything. And then that night at the party... she hadn't done anything to deserve that. He couldn't even look her in the face after that. She had done more than her part in trying to get him to open up to her, in sacrificing to be with him, in putting up with his attitude. It hurt to think about that night, to see that look on her face when she couldn't figure out what she had done wrong, when she had done everything more than right.
He had called her a couple weeks ago. He had spent four dollars in quarters to make that call. He hadn't said anything. He didn't really think he had a right to say anything to her after what he had done. There was no sorry, there was no explanation; it had happened and anything he would have said to her would have felt like lip-service. But it was good to hear her voice, if nothing else. And it was good to know she was going to be okay.
And then there was Luke. Even he knew that Luke had busted his ass to help him, worked hard to put up with him and give him time to get his act together. Luke had even tried to talk to him about her, to make him realize that he wasn't giving her what she needed or deserved, and he was right. It all had been thrown back in his face. It shouldn't have happened like that.
He remembered back a year earlier to the last time he had gone back to Luke. He might not ever admit it out loud, but he hadn't moved back just for Rory. He liked living with Luke, more than with his mom anyway, and even though they didn't have a 'touchy-feely' relationship, he knew he had it good there.
The last time he had gone back to Luke's, he remembered what Luke had said to him. Things were going to be different this time. He had fully intended to follow through with that, but it obviously hadn't turned out that way. His mind wandered over that conversation and he remembered something else Luke had gotten on his case about, he hadn't returned Luke's phone calls to let him know he was okay. He wondered if Luke even cared if he was okay, after the way they had left things. He hadn't even told Luke he was leaving. But Luke didn't have a number to check in on him. Luke didn't even know where he was, so there was no way of knowing if Luke would have called if he had the option.
He stood up and headed for the nearest pay phone. The sand sunk beneath his feet as he trudged through it. As he neared the phone and hit pavement, he dug into his pockets for the calling card Sasha had given him last week. She said he might want to keep in touch with people. Jess had just shrugged, figuring he would never use it, but felt compelled to keep it anyway. He picked up the phone and proceeded to dial the number he still had memorized.
It rang. It rang again. And again. He suddenly remembered to look at his watch and noticed the time. Cursing under his breath he realized it was midnight in Connecticut, and that Luke was probably already asleep. He was about to hang up before he would wake anyone, when someone picked up the other line. He heard some fumbling around before he was greeted with a gruff "Hello?"
Silence.
"Hello?"
It was now or never. "Uh... hey."
The other end was silent for a moment, before he heard, "Do you need bail money or something?"
Jess nodded his head and pursed his lips in acknowledgment. He might have deserved that. "Uh, no. No, I don't need money. Or anything. I uh - " he cut himself short, not really sure what he was trying to say.
He could hear more shuffling around on the other end and he could almost feel the distance between them. "Are you safe?"
He scratched his head as he looked around. "Yeah, I guess. Relatively speaking."
"Well, good. Good." More silence.
"Hey, I know we didn't leave things - "
Luke interrupted him before he could ramble something really awkward out, "Jess, let's not do this."
"Right, right." Another pause. "Well, I'm gonna be staying at Jimmy's for awhile. So I just thought, I don't know, you should know or something."
"Oh. Well, thanks, I guess."
Silence.
"Well, I guess I'll let you get back to sleep."
"Yeah, I guess." And then a really awkward, "Take care".
"Yeah, you too." He heard the other end disconnect and he set the phone back on its receiver.
"Hey Jess!"
He turned and saw Jimmy walking toward him. "I'm gonna let Leon close up tonight and get home
early. You coming?"
Jess looked at Jimmy, and with one last glance at the phone he headed away from the ocean.
They fell in step with each other as they walked down the sidewalk. It was less awkward then usual, but it definitely wasn't a comfortable silence.
"So, you talk to anyone?" Jimmy asked.
Lost in thought, Jess looked up surprised, "What? Oh, just messing around, you know."
Jimmy nodded, clearly not believing him, "Right."
They walked in silence for a few more minutes. Jess looked at Jimmy, a question in his eyes, struggling with weather he should say anything. Jimmy noticed this.
"What?" He prompted.
Jess shook his head, "Nothing."
"Okay."
"Why'd you open a hot dog stand?"
"I don't know exactly. I lived here about 20 years ago and practically lived at that hot dog stand. When I got back here, it was gone. And I really wanted it back. It seemed like something that was worth doing, bringing back a piece of history. It's a lot of hard work. But of all the things I've done in all the places I've done them, I definetly like doing this the most. It's rewarding, building something, reinventing something. You get to be your own boss, do the things the way you like to do them."
Mostly to himself, he mumbled, "Yeah. I've heard that."
"Why, you thinking of becoming an entrepeneur?"
"Nah."
"You know, I know you've been hanging around that bookstore on the Venice Beach boardwalk. The owner owes Sasha a favor. She could probably call it in for you if you want."
"And what, get me some free books?"
"No, I mean, getting you a job. If you wanted one."
Jess shrugged. He hadn't really thought about working or needing money. He hadn't thought much at all about the future.
"Well, let me know."
He nodded, "Yeah, I'll do that."
They were nearing the front gate and the dogs had sensed their approach. As they tried to make their way around them without getting bit, they both muttered to themselves.
"I'm eventually gonna need to know which one of these dogs bite" Jess said as glanced over at Jimmy.
"Your guess is as good as mine. Stan, my former neighbor, he knows. But he never told me."
They fumbled with the door to get inside until they finally reached the light inside. As their eyes adjusted, they saw Sasha was sitting on the kitchen counter, and Lily, unsurprisingly, nowhere in sight. Simon and Garfunkel played softly in the background.
"You're back early."
"Yeah, figured I'd let Leon close up tonight. What's going on here?"
"Well, I am currently listening to the Sound of Silence. Silence has a really nice melody. And Lily - "
Suddenly the cabinet door opened and Lily climbed out. "Done!" she exclaimed, handing the book over to Jimmy.
"Is done reading her book," Sasha finished.
"Done already? That was fast." He took the book from her and headed toward his study to shelve it.
"What did you think?" he called back. She followed him, leaving Sasha and Jess along in the kitchen.
She nodded at him, "So, how're you doing?"
He shrugged, "I'm surviving."
"That you are." She hopped off the counter and started straightening the kitchen. "And that's enough for you?"
"Is what enough?" he asked confused, as he followed her movements around the kitchen.
"I mean, you're here, you're surviving. You came a long way to get here. You seem like the kind of guy who carries a lot of baggage with him, which is fine. Everyone's gotta bring something with them. But you seem more like you're running away from what you left behind than trying to figure out what you got here."
He shrugged, "And?"
"I don't know. It's none of my business. I just noticed you still hadn't taken anything out of the duffel bag you brought. And you're not the most talkative person in the world."
"Whatever, I'm fine." His defenses were back up and he started to walk out of the kitchen.
"Hey Jess." He stopped and turned to look at her. "I don't want to be an after-school special. And I don't want to be your mom. I'm just saying, you're welcome here till you can figure things out. I mean, you seem like a decent enough kid, and the world likes to screw with people like that. I'm just saying, don't let the world get you down. Whatever happened, whatever happens, you're here now. There's eventually gonna be something that you'll think is doing more than just surviving for. And this might not be it, but it could be. Don't let anything ruin it for you if it is."
He nodded. "Yeah." He gave her a half smile. "Thanks." And then he headed back into the living room, and settled down on the couch. He could hear Jimmy and Lily in the other room talking although he couldn't make out what they were saying. And then he saw Lily coming toward him, a determined look on her face.
"Have you read The Mouse That Roared?" He blinked, surprised.
"Yeah."
"Tell Jimmy that a bobby pin was not responsible for the declaration of war."
He looked up at Jimmy who had trailed Lily out of his study. "A bobby pin was not responsible for the declaration of war."
"You two are cracked. "
Sasha walked in and joined them.
As they continued to talk in the living room, and decided pizza was also a good plan, Jess couldn't help but feel... really weird. This was new. Sitting in a living room, there were two adults. That had never happened in any household he had lived in. They were speaking to the children like their opinion mattered, like they had something worth saying. Not telling him what he should be doing and not making a point to let him know he had screwed up.
It was new and if you caught him on an off day, he might have said it a little bit scary. He could no longer hide behind a somber attitude to let the world know he didn't care what they thought, because the world didn't care what he thought. He could no longer find satisfaction in blaming everyone else for his problems, because it wasn't their fault. No one had expectations of him. He finally had space to decide what he expected of himself. He had only himself to disappoint.
He didn't know if he would ever get used to this. But he thought it might be a good idea to stay and figure out if he could.
Spoilers: Season 3
Disclaimer: If I owned Gilmore girls I wouldn't have written this.
Author's Note: I'd just like to say thanks to Hadar. You were a huge help in creating and writing this. Also, this chapter may be a little misleading. The bulk of the rest of the story will take place in Stars Hollow. At least this is the plan right now.
-----------------
Prologue
Summer, 2003
Jess sat on a bench, staring at the ocean. This was something that he liked about living here, something that the other places he lived had lacked. He could see the moons reflection on the waves as they crashed into the shore. He could hear the rise and fall of the waves, feel the ocean breeze. He could see the lights from the pier in the distance lighting up the boardwalk.
Everything was so... different. The multi-colored lights made it look like a carnival. The ferris wheel had stopped and the kids at the top were rocking it back and forth. The roller coaster roared by, screams and laughter trailing it. Little kids were running around with cotton candy, pulling their parents as fast as they could. The Santa Monica Pier was alive tonight.
He sat on a bench, unmoving, alone.
He could do that here, with no one who cared about his business.
He had been in California for a month now. He was still a little unsure, a little awkward about living here, living with Jimmy. But he hadn't been kicked out yet and hadn't gotten sick of it yet, so he figured that was a good thing.
He looked away from the pier, down at his hands. They held a book. He hadn't even realized he had packed it, but sure enough, when he had opened his bag, there it was. He looked at the cover and fingered the pages inside, noticing the neat handwriting that adorned the first couple pages.
This book reminded him of things. Some of them were good things. He smiled at the memory of how he had obtained this particular book. But some of the memories were not so good.
He closed his eyes and let his head fall into his hands. Everything had just - happened. It got too far out of control before he even realized it needed fixing. And then he was too hard, too stubborn to even try.
The things he had done, the things he hadn't done, they all came back to him. He realized now the way things had ended with Rory was just the tip of the iceberg. It had been a long time coming. She hadn't known what was going on, how could she? He never told her anything. And then that night at the party... she hadn't done anything to deserve that. He couldn't even look her in the face after that. She had done more than her part in trying to get him to open up to her, in sacrificing to be with him, in putting up with his attitude. It hurt to think about that night, to see that look on her face when she couldn't figure out what she had done wrong, when she had done everything more than right.
He had called her a couple weeks ago. He had spent four dollars in quarters to make that call. He hadn't said anything. He didn't really think he had a right to say anything to her after what he had done. There was no sorry, there was no explanation; it had happened and anything he would have said to her would have felt like lip-service. But it was good to hear her voice, if nothing else. And it was good to know she was going to be okay.
And then there was Luke. Even he knew that Luke had busted his ass to help him, worked hard to put up with him and give him time to get his act together. Luke had even tried to talk to him about her, to make him realize that he wasn't giving her what she needed or deserved, and he was right. It all had been thrown back in his face. It shouldn't have happened like that.
He remembered back a year earlier to the last time he had gone back to Luke. He might not ever admit it out loud, but he hadn't moved back just for Rory. He liked living with Luke, more than with his mom anyway, and even though they didn't have a 'touchy-feely' relationship, he knew he had it good there.
The last time he had gone back to Luke's, he remembered what Luke had said to him. Things were going to be different this time. He had fully intended to follow through with that, but it obviously hadn't turned out that way. His mind wandered over that conversation and he remembered something else Luke had gotten on his case about, he hadn't returned Luke's phone calls to let him know he was okay. He wondered if Luke even cared if he was okay, after the way they had left things. He hadn't even told Luke he was leaving. But Luke didn't have a number to check in on him. Luke didn't even know where he was, so there was no way of knowing if Luke would have called if he had the option.
He stood up and headed for the nearest pay phone. The sand sunk beneath his feet as he trudged through it. As he neared the phone and hit pavement, he dug into his pockets for the calling card Sasha had given him last week. She said he might want to keep in touch with people. Jess had just shrugged, figuring he would never use it, but felt compelled to keep it anyway. He picked up the phone and proceeded to dial the number he still had memorized.
It rang. It rang again. And again. He suddenly remembered to look at his watch and noticed the time. Cursing under his breath he realized it was midnight in Connecticut, and that Luke was probably already asleep. He was about to hang up before he would wake anyone, when someone picked up the other line. He heard some fumbling around before he was greeted with a gruff "Hello?"
Silence.
"Hello?"
It was now or never. "Uh... hey."
The other end was silent for a moment, before he heard, "Do you need bail money or something?"
Jess nodded his head and pursed his lips in acknowledgment. He might have deserved that. "Uh, no. No, I don't need money. Or anything. I uh - " he cut himself short, not really sure what he was trying to say.
He could hear more shuffling around on the other end and he could almost feel the distance between them. "Are you safe?"
He scratched his head as he looked around. "Yeah, I guess. Relatively speaking."
"Well, good. Good." More silence.
"Hey, I know we didn't leave things - "
Luke interrupted him before he could ramble something really awkward out, "Jess, let's not do this."
"Right, right." Another pause. "Well, I'm gonna be staying at Jimmy's for awhile. So I just thought, I don't know, you should know or something."
"Oh. Well, thanks, I guess."
Silence.
"Well, I guess I'll let you get back to sleep."
"Yeah, I guess." And then a really awkward, "Take care".
"Yeah, you too." He heard the other end disconnect and he set the phone back on its receiver.
"Hey Jess!"
He turned and saw Jimmy walking toward him. "I'm gonna let Leon close up tonight and get home
early. You coming?"
Jess looked at Jimmy, and with one last glance at the phone he headed away from the ocean.
They fell in step with each other as they walked down the sidewalk. It was less awkward then usual, but it definitely wasn't a comfortable silence.
"So, you talk to anyone?" Jimmy asked.
Lost in thought, Jess looked up surprised, "What? Oh, just messing around, you know."
Jimmy nodded, clearly not believing him, "Right."
They walked in silence for a few more minutes. Jess looked at Jimmy, a question in his eyes, struggling with weather he should say anything. Jimmy noticed this.
"What?" He prompted.
Jess shook his head, "Nothing."
"Okay."
"Why'd you open a hot dog stand?"
"I don't know exactly. I lived here about 20 years ago and practically lived at that hot dog stand. When I got back here, it was gone. And I really wanted it back. It seemed like something that was worth doing, bringing back a piece of history. It's a lot of hard work. But of all the things I've done in all the places I've done them, I definetly like doing this the most. It's rewarding, building something, reinventing something. You get to be your own boss, do the things the way you like to do them."
Mostly to himself, he mumbled, "Yeah. I've heard that."
"Why, you thinking of becoming an entrepeneur?"
"Nah."
"You know, I know you've been hanging around that bookstore on the Venice Beach boardwalk. The owner owes Sasha a favor. She could probably call it in for you if you want."
"And what, get me some free books?"
"No, I mean, getting you a job. If you wanted one."
Jess shrugged. He hadn't really thought about working or needing money. He hadn't thought much at all about the future.
"Well, let me know."
He nodded, "Yeah, I'll do that."
They were nearing the front gate and the dogs had sensed their approach. As they tried to make their way around them without getting bit, they both muttered to themselves.
"I'm eventually gonna need to know which one of these dogs bite" Jess said as glanced over at Jimmy.
"Your guess is as good as mine. Stan, my former neighbor, he knows. But he never told me."
They fumbled with the door to get inside until they finally reached the light inside. As their eyes adjusted, they saw Sasha was sitting on the kitchen counter, and Lily, unsurprisingly, nowhere in sight. Simon and Garfunkel played softly in the background.
"You're back early."
"Yeah, figured I'd let Leon close up tonight. What's going on here?"
"Well, I am currently listening to the Sound of Silence. Silence has a really nice melody. And Lily - "
Suddenly the cabinet door opened and Lily climbed out. "Done!" she exclaimed, handing the book over to Jimmy.
"Is done reading her book," Sasha finished.
"Done already? That was fast." He took the book from her and headed toward his study to shelve it.
"What did you think?" he called back. She followed him, leaving Sasha and Jess along in the kitchen.
She nodded at him, "So, how're you doing?"
He shrugged, "I'm surviving."
"That you are." She hopped off the counter and started straightening the kitchen. "And that's enough for you?"
"Is what enough?" he asked confused, as he followed her movements around the kitchen.
"I mean, you're here, you're surviving. You came a long way to get here. You seem like the kind of guy who carries a lot of baggage with him, which is fine. Everyone's gotta bring something with them. But you seem more like you're running away from what you left behind than trying to figure out what you got here."
He shrugged, "And?"
"I don't know. It's none of my business. I just noticed you still hadn't taken anything out of the duffel bag you brought. And you're not the most talkative person in the world."
"Whatever, I'm fine." His defenses were back up and he started to walk out of the kitchen.
"Hey Jess." He stopped and turned to look at her. "I don't want to be an after-school special. And I don't want to be your mom. I'm just saying, you're welcome here till you can figure things out. I mean, you seem like a decent enough kid, and the world likes to screw with people like that. I'm just saying, don't let the world get you down. Whatever happened, whatever happens, you're here now. There's eventually gonna be something that you'll think is doing more than just surviving for. And this might not be it, but it could be. Don't let anything ruin it for you if it is."
He nodded. "Yeah." He gave her a half smile. "Thanks." And then he headed back into the living room, and settled down on the couch. He could hear Jimmy and Lily in the other room talking although he couldn't make out what they were saying. And then he saw Lily coming toward him, a determined look on her face.
"Have you read The Mouse That Roared?" He blinked, surprised.
"Yeah."
"Tell Jimmy that a bobby pin was not responsible for the declaration of war."
He looked up at Jimmy who had trailed Lily out of his study. "A bobby pin was not responsible for the declaration of war."
"You two are cracked. "
Sasha walked in and joined them.
As they continued to talk in the living room, and decided pizza was also a good plan, Jess couldn't help but feel... really weird. This was new. Sitting in a living room, there were two adults. That had never happened in any household he had lived in. They were speaking to the children like their opinion mattered, like they had something worth saying. Not telling him what he should be doing and not making a point to let him know he had screwed up.
It was new and if you caught him on an off day, he might have said it a little bit scary. He could no longer hide behind a somber attitude to let the world know he didn't care what they thought, because the world didn't care what he thought. He could no longer find satisfaction in blaming everyone else for his problems, because it wasn't their fault. No one had expectations of him. He finally had space to decide what he expected of himself. He had only himself to disappoint.
He didn't know if he would ever get used to this. But he thought it might be a good idea to stay and figure out if he could.