Acknowledgements: Erm..Nobody! Did it all by myself
The helicopter takes off. It's been a while, and the sudden movement makes my stomach flip. At least, I think it's the takeoff. It could have been the sound of Buffy's voice calling my name. I make like I can't hear. Sorry baby, it's too late.
We're looking at a fairly long journey, and the ambience of an open chopper doesn't lend itself to conversation so I have plenty of thinking time. What the hell happened in the last year? Before I came here I had everything going for me, I thought. A good career with prospects, rank, respect. Now I'm on a knife-edge.
It started so well. Everything was simple. Sub-T's bad, humans good, follow orders and do my job. Then I met Her. The Slayer. Beautiful, strong - odd. She slept through her classes and told terrible lies and caught me without even trying. I learned a lot in a short time with her. There were such things as good demons - Anya, good werewolves - Oz, good witches - Willow and Tara and good vampires - Angel. My God, Angel. Buffy only ever gave me the bare bones of that story. The I met him. The brooding king of tall, dark and photosensitive. Good looking, and he still had an obvious thing for Buffy. I thought then it was mutual. I still do. He was just looking out for her I guess, he's one of the good guys. A hero...a killer once, though - and not that long ago either. We exchanged a little hatred then he sloped back to LA.
Hostile 17. There was a problem. The behaviour modification chip made him physically harmless, but he was a smart one. No run-of-the-mill dumbass bloodsucker, he wormed his way in and became a true pain in the butt. I guess his inability to fight became his shield. Buffy let him live despite the fact that he helped Adam. Not just let him live - let him hang around.
After we - they - beat Adam, I hoped that Buffy and I would have some time to get closer. She always held a little back though. I didn't push. I knew she'd been hurt and I figured that if I waited and was dependable, she'd come to me. I guess I was wrong.
Anyway, she got stronger, I got weaker and she got further away. She seemed to be heading for a new level and leaving me behind. She took her friends with her - Hell, even Spike was along for the ride. All of them growing, changing, getting better. Not me. I was an afterthought. I was the guy who helped out. The sidekick.
I don't know which one made me feel I had to do it. Was it Angel - the lingering ghost? Spike - the punk vamp with the smart mouth? Or was it Buffy - her own inner darkness helping her to reach new heights without me? In the end it doesn't matter. Whoever - whatever. The fact is that I knew that ordinary, ex-soldier, former superman Riley was not going to keep hold of the Slayer's heart. At first I just tried to do what she did. Patrolling alone, taking out the bad guys. It didn't help. She didn't even notice. The first time I let a vampire drink from me, it was almost an accident. I only really meant to set a honeytrap, but when she changed, I had to know how it felt - how Buffy had felt. It didn't sting anywhere near as much as finding Spike in the Summers house. Turns out he was on an open invitation from way back. Now I knew he had a thing for her - God, it was a wonder his boots weren't cleaner his tongue was out so far - I just couldn't figure why she'd let him in. Let him get close, become one of the gang. I never asked. Maybe I should have. Instead I tried to out-bad the guy, touch on the darkness that he had and Buffy liked so much. Stupid. He had a hundred years of soulless psychosis on me. I just kept going back to that sad pathetic vamp tramp and thought that would make me closer to the things that Buffy cared about - being the Slayer, Angel and bizarrely, Spike.
It was never going to work.
My first real sight of the distance between us was when Joyce got sick. I could have helped her, supported her. I wanted to. But no, she held it all back. Hid it away. Like I was a stranger that she couldn't open up with. She'd have gone to Angel, I'm sure of it. She'd have cried in his arms and let herself be comforted. But not to me. Never to me. The one guy that she's been with who can give her 100%, and she wouldn't even tell me how she felt because I wasn't good enough - or bad enough - to be her man. That hurt.
I guess I should have known that it would be Spike that opened the can of worms. Not much that happens in Sub-T Sunnydale gets past him. He has a nose for gossip. Does that mean I wanted to get caught? Probably. Stupid thing was, I'd actually gone to the nest tonight with the intention of dusting them all, but when I got there I just had to submit again.
For various reasons, there have been occasions in my life when I have forgotten seemingly unforgettable things - my keys, my phone number, hell, even my own name - but I swear I will never forget the look of disgust on Buffy's face when she saw me there. Or the look of satisfaction on Spike's.
When I paid him the visit later with the plastic stake, I wanted him to hurt the way I did. What I didn't realise was - he already did. Of all the people I could have connected with, Spike wasn't even on my list. But there we were, drinking to the woman who had ruined us both without even caring enough to realise it. That he understood me was no great surprise - he's seen most things in his extended life - but I never expected to see myself in him. He's the diametric opposite of everything I have ever stood for, but at that moment we were the same. Isolated, alone, and hopelessly in love with Buffy Summers.
When we had our showdown tonight, she was how I expected - cold, angry and disgusted. My heart was telling me to crawl on my belly and beg her to forgive me. For the first time in a year, I listened to my head instead.
By the time I got to the pickup point, my mind was made up. Even if she came, I was leaving. Not because I don't love her - God knows I couldn't love her any more - but because I can't live this way. I'm disappearing into a shadow and I know I can be more than that. Maybe when I find my strength again, and remember who Riley Finn really is, I'll be back. And if she still wants me, I can be the long-haul guy.