Dedications: To Chelle and Zelda. This was my entry into the 'Be Zelda' contest.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon. I didn't make a cent off of this fic. Don't sue. Zelda owns Clay and Alison. I used them without her permission (though she didn't say a word when I submitted the fic to her. ^.^)
Jesse/James Butch/Cassidy Misty/Brock
When Satan's Cat Lays an Egg, Everybody Runs for Cover
Ash, Misty, Brock and Tracey were wandering the halls of Team Rocket HQ. They were lost, of course, because Ash was leading the party.
"There's one thing that I don't understand." Ash was saying to his friends.
"One thing?!" Ash waved off the accusatory chorus.
"Why the heck are we in the Team Rocket head quarters in the first place?"
Misty sighed, irritably. "Because the author couldn't think of a good plot device. She figured that with you're dumb luck you'd manage to lead us into the enemy camp."
Beside Misty, Brock chimed in "And Ash, you're the hero of this show. I don't think you're supposed to say 'heck'."
Ash paused outside an unmarked door and faced his followers. "Team Rocket can say 'dammit' all they want and I'm not allowed to say 'heck'? You've gotta be wrong." He shook his head and put his hand on the doorknob. He was about to open the door when his three friends went pale and started pointing behind him. "What?"
"Well, well, well. Look at Mr. Potty-Mouth." Giovanni stood with his arms folded. He stared down forbiddingly at Ash. "What kind of role model are you? You don't deserve this Pikachu." That said, he plucked the yellow rodent from its ever-present perch on Ash's shoulder and strode past him down the hall.
"Hey, you can't steal my Pikachu!" Ash shouted after the retreating crime boss. "Not without a Pokemon battle anyhow!"
Giovanni stopped and turned around. "You'll get him back at the end of the day, if your language and manners have improved." The overlord scratched Pikachu's ears and whispered something that looked like the word 'ketchup'.
"Pika-pi. Ka-chu!" Pikachu climbed onto Giovanni's shoulders and happily waved goodbye to Ash.
"You yellow traitor!" Ash shouted. He looked at his friends. Tracey was busily drawing in his sketchbook. "What're you drawing Tracey?"
"The complete happiness of Pikachu as he abandons you for ketchup, babes and the leader of Team Rocket."
Misty and Brock leaned over his shoulders. "It's pretty good."
* * *
Butch and Cassidy, startled, looked up from the floor of the bedroom whose door Ash had opened. "It's not what it looks like!" They screamed. "Oh, wait. Never mind. You're Jesse and James' twerp. What the hell do we care?"
Ash, however, didn't hear a word they said. He was too busy twitching on the floor in mortal agony. "My…eyes…"
"Oh Ash, grow up!" Misty snapped. "I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this."
"Butch and Cassidy are screwing like Jesse and James?" Brock volunteered.
"Butch tripped and fell in a puddle of chocolate and Cassidy tripped over him and they both lost most of their clothes during the fall?" Tracey suggested, without looking up from the sketch he was making. He was trying to capture the chocolate-coated near-nakedness of the female Rocket. Even though it was Cassidy, she was still a mostly nekkid female.
"Oh please. It's obvious what's going on here." Jesse said from the doorway. Team Twerp and the other Rockets looked over to see Jesse and James framed in the door. "Cassidy is, uhh, she's writing a letter home." Occasionally Team Rocket solidarity won out embarrassing each other in front of their respective twerps. At least until Meowth could get the Boss to come investigate the illegal PDA.
"She is?" Butch asked. Cassidy pulled a standard issue fan out of thin air and threatened him with it. "Yeah, that's what she's doing alright. Letter home." Butch coughed. Too many words and too many cigarettes didn't mix well. So he lit another cigarette.
Cassidy shot a mistrustful glance at Jesse. "Yeah. There weren't any pens or paper. So we melted a bag of chocolate chips. Butch was kind enough to volunteer to help me."
James nodded. "You should try frosting. It's not as runny as melted chocolate. And it comes in different flavors!" He squealed. Jesse sighed and idly hit him with Cassidy's paper fan.
Brock got a far away look in his eyes. Misty noticed it and held out her hand to Jesse for the fan.
"Nurse Joy isn't dumb enough to fall for the 'letter home' excuse." She whacked him across the top of his head. "Pervert."
"What are you twerps doing here anyhow?" Jesse demanded. "And where the hell is that rare Pikachu?" Ash didn't respond, too busy trying to pull his eyes from his socket as Butch and Cassidy resumed their earlier activities.
Misty kicked Ash in the ribs as he rolled on the ground. "Get up Ash, Jesse asked you a question." He didn't move. "Come on Ash, quit bitching and get up."
Brock kicked him in the leg. "And she swore Ash." Ash didn't move. "Dammit Ash! She said 'hell'."
When Ash didn't move Misty turned to Team Rocket with a sigh. "Your Boss took Pikachu away because Ash was swearing. He'll get him back at the end of the day."
Jesse and James tilted their heads in unison. "Oh."
"Yes 'oh'. You two don't need to know more of any of my plans!" Giovanni had magically appeared in the doorway behind Jesse and James. Butch and Cassidy frantically scrambled for their clothes.
"Boss!" They shouted, saluting. Giovanni looked at them askew. Then he grew to thunderous proportions as he turned to Jesse and James.
"What have you two done to Butch and Cassidy?!" Anger veins popped out on Jesse's forehead as James mouth dropped open in shock. Butch and Cassidy looked down and winced. Aside from being covered in melted chocolate they were also wearing each other's uniform.
Ash, with Butch and Cassidy finally clothed, stood up. "Do I get Pikachu back now?"
Misty turned a withering stare on Ash. "Dammit Ash, there are more important things going on now."
"Yeah Ash." Tracey added. "Like near nekkid women!" Misty turned her 'death glare' on Tracey.
"Shut-up, Kenji."
"Yeah." Brock added. "Since I'm here we could kick your bitch ass out anytime we wanted to. The only reason we keep you around is because James broke my camera!" Tracey hunched into himself, as though afraid of a blow from the fan Misty still held.
Giovanni ignored Ash and studied Brock and Misty. He liked their style. They weren't grabby, had a fine command of language and they were more than willing to turn on their friends. Team Rocket could use a team like them. Especially since it appeared that Clay and Allison had developed some weird sexual tension while visiting an amusement park.
"Jesse, James. Take these two," he indicated Brock and Misty, "with you today. Show them around the organization, answer their questions. Standard procedure." He nodded, pulled Pikachu and a packet of ketchup out of his blazer pocket and left the room. "And fix Butch and Cassidy." He called back down the hallway.
* * *
Jesse and James regarded their new charges with distaste. So far, the day had been a complete bust. Meowth had woken them early, Henry and Star had gotten the prize out of the Oreo O's and Butch and Cassidy hadn't been punished for the excessive PDA. Hanging out with two members of the twerp squad only promised more unending agony.
"Jesse!" James whined. "This is horrible! What are we going to do with them all day?"
Jesse glanced back at the gym trainers following them to the rec. room. "We could just come up with a plan to ditch them."
"Ooo! How about a hole!"
"Not here, the Boss would kill us. How about a net?"
Meowth sighed. "You know dat dey can hear you, right?"
Jesse shrugged. "Actually we don't care." She turned a corner and stopped in a large room full of pictures, a TV and several board games. "Welcome to the rec. room, try not to have too much fun."
"Jesse?" James asked. "When can we ditch them and start training?"
"Training?" Jesse asked. James arched his eyebrows at her. "Oh! Training." She watched Misty flop, bored, into a chair. "I don't know. Things don't look good."
Brock immediately began to wander, looking at the pictures on the wall. "Wow! She's beautiful!" He exclaimed and began to do his standard 'Officer Jenny/Nurse Joy love dance'. "Tell me she's here today! Say I can meet her and tell her I love her!" He begged Meowth.
Meowth looked at the girl in the picture and shook his head with a sigh. "Someting's wrong wit you, ain't it kid?."
Misty took one look at the picture and sighed too. "Dammit Brock! When are you going to realize that it's just James in a dress!"
James, sitting on the couch, glanced at Brock and then looked up at Jesse. "I'm scared."
Jesse sat down in his lap and hugged him. "Me too."
* * *
Ash and Tracey were wandering aimlessly down the corridors of Team Rocket Head Quarters. "You know, Ash," Tracey was saying. "We could just wait in Giovanni's office until the days over and get Pikachu back without any hassles."
Ash sighed and turned to face Tracey. "No, we can't. Pikachu is my best friend, I have to save him from Team Rocket!" He punched one fist in the air. "No matter which member of Team Rocket has him!"
Tracey rubbed a hand over his face. "Your best friend is a fourteen pound, yellow rat who'd leave you in a matter of minutes for ketchup and girls? That's pretty pathetic."
Ash assumed a fighting stance. "You have a problem, Kenji?" He asked menacingly. But without Misty's rage and Brock size to back it up, Tracey didn't feel intimidated.
"Yeah, I have a problem." He said stepping in toe-to-toe with Ash. "I'm just a sleazy, knock-off character of you and Brock! I'm obsessed with women and pokemon!" He grabbed Ash by the shoulders and shook him. "Where the hell's the art in that!" His anger deflated suddenly. "And I seem to have a perennial hard-on for Professor Oak." He moaned dejectedly. "What does that say about me?"
"It says good things to me." A male voice purred. A tall blonde stepped out of what appeared to be a kitchen. "I'm Clay, and you are?"
"Underage?" A female voice suggested. Ash screamed.
"It's Jesse and James' daughter from the future! Run, Tracey, run! She's evil, just like her parents. She wants Pikachu!"
Tracey stared at Ash in disbelief. "You don't even have Pikachu, their boss does." He turned to Clay. "And I didn't mean a literal hard-on. Ick." Clay pouted.
Ash shuddered and then remembered that he was the protagonist. "Out of my way! I have to save Pikachu and rescue my gym trainers from Team Rocket."
Allison sighed. "Twerp, we are Team Rocket. And I don't give a flying leap about your Pikachu." She tilted her head and was forced to brush a stand of purple hair out of her eyes. "Whose got you gym trainers? And why?"
Ash shrugged. "Your boss told my usual Team Rocket to show them around and stuff. He said to use the 'standard procedure' whatever that means. It probably means all kinds of horrible torture, but I'm the hero so I have to go save them. Then we can kick the crap out of Tracey for calling me pathetic."
Clay stopped eyeing Tracey. "The boss has Jesse and James recruiting?" He looked at Allison, horrified. "That blind guy has the hots for James! Al, we've gotta stop this!"
Allison gave him a withering stare. "It doesn't matter, Clay. It never does and it never will. What does matter is that Jesse and James are going to ruin two more lives!" She sniffed and turned to Ash. "We were so happy! We thought they were the greatest team in Rocket history, but we learned differently one cold winter day…they left us to wander the streets, alone and helpless. We hadn't eaten in days."
Ash started to tear up. So did Clay, who ushered them all into the kitchen and into chairs around a small table. Allison began to serve coffee and tea. "It was just me and Clay and our pokemon. Hitmonchan and Hitmonlee were so brave, but so useless."
Tracey sniffled and took a huge gulp of hot, sweet tea. "Oh, that's so horribly, terribly sad. What did you do?"
* * *
Jesse and James were rapidly reconsidering their initial assessment of being forced to recruit Brock and Misty. In the past half-hour paper fans, frying pans, and oddly enough, daffodils had been called in to a fight over whether or not the girl in the picture was James. The cussing and sissy slapping had started in earnest ten minuets ago.
"They have potential." Jesse said and ducked as a stray daffodil zoomed over her head.
"They just need a little guidance." James agreed and winced as a frying pan hit Brock full in the face. "That's gonna leave a mark."
"Prepare for trouble" Jesse shouted suddenly, posing.
"Make it double" James jumped into a pose too. Misty and Brock stopped to stare.
"To recruit new people from every nation."
"To make them members of our organization."
"To give them guidance with flair and style!"
"To teach them costumes, wigs and guile!"
"Jesse!" She jumped onto a nearby table and posed.
"James!" He tried to jump on the table, but Jesse shoved him off, so he stood on a chair.
" You'll be Team Rocket ready in a matter of hours."
"And daffodils are wussy flowers." James sniffed and pulled out a rose.
"Meowth, here we go again." Meowth sighed in defeat, dropping his head into his paws.
Seated on the floor, Misty and Brock began to clap. Jesse bowed and then sat down on the table, swinging her legs. "You guys should be official Team Rocket members in no time." She received a blank look from her new pupils. "Well, you two already meet three very important Team Rocket Standards."
James nodded vigorously in agreement. "Yeah, a good vocabulary, fighting ability and your pokemon suck!"
"Hey!" Both Brock and Misty protested.
"Come on, you've got Starmie and Onix. One missed shot in a battle and they'd be taking each other out." James argued.
"Your psyduck doesn't remember or can't use half its attacks, but that could be the result of the abuse you heap on it." Jesse mussed. "And really Brock," She continued, "when's the last time you took your zubat out of its pokeball?"
Brock shrugged. "I never said Zubat didn't suck."
"So our pokemon suck, whatever." Misty waved aside the issue. "What requirements are we lacking? Not that I really believe that we're lacking anything."
"Yeah!" Brock added. "We were profession gym leaders!"
"Yeah, gym leaders who sucked." James retorted.
Brock stepped in close to James. "Care to say that to my face?" He menaced, and shoved his fist in James' face. James grabbed a fistful of Brock's shirt.
"Try it Squinty!"
"You don't have the balls you cross-dressing wuss!"
Jesse, Misty and Meowth watched the boys with little interest. "So," Misty began, "What are we missing?"
"Well, your names are all wrong." Meowth started.
"What's wrong with our names?" This was from Brock who'd given the fight upon getting his ass kicked by James.
James dropped his opponent on the floor and went to sit by his partner. "Please," he said, folding his arms across his chest. "Can you imagine your names in our motto?"
"I thought we were supposed to make up our own motto." Misty injected.
"You are," Jesse explained. "But everybody plagiarizes ours."
* * *
"I can't believe Clay and Allison are dead! I'm gonna miss them so much!"
"They were so young and innocent! How could Jesse and James be so cruel?" Ash jumped to his feet, knocking over the table and sending the tea set crashing to the floor. "Somebody has to teach those two a lesson!"
"Yeah!" Tracey, Clay and Allison shouted.
"First somebody has to clean up this mess." Cassidy said, coming into the Team Rocket kitchen. "If the boss finds this, you're all going to be in a heap of trouble.
"There isn't any time." Ash told her. "I have to save Pikachu from your boss and then I have to rescue my gym trainers from Jesse and James after that we have to beat the crap out of them for what they did to Clay and Allison."
"And then you have to have your gym trainers help you kick the crap out of Tracey for calling you pathetic." Clay added.
"What did they do to Clay and Allison?" Cassidy wanted to know.
* * *
"How about Sundance and Kid?" James suggested.
"EWWW!" Misty recoiled.
"No!" Brock said, shaking his head. "Not a chance."
"Hmm." Jesse tilted her head and considered. "Calamity and Jane?"
"Who'd be Jane?" James wanted to know.
"Hey! I do happen to have breasts you know." Brock snorted.
"Doc and Holiday? Wyatt and Earp? Flash and Gordon?" Brock and Misty continued to shake their heads.
"Aww, screw it." Jesse finally decided. "The Boss can call them whatever he wants."
"Alright. That's settled." James agreed. "Now, about their umm…inter-team relationship."
"Inter-team relationship?" Brock wondered.
"You mean the grabbiness?" Misty asked.
James nodded and then ducked in case Jesse tried to hit him. She shot him an annoyed look and then turned her attention to their charges.
"In Team Rocket we prefer to think of it as comforting our partners." She told them. "But yeah, the grabbiness."
James sat down Indian-style on the floor. "You guys don't grab each other…I mean, comfort each other nearly enough."
"That's not true! We grabbed onto each other outside the Pokemon Tower!" Misty protested. "And when Ash was fighting Sabrina!"
"Did Squinty grab your ass?" Meowth asked.
"Hey!"
"Uh, no."
"There's nothing there to grab!" Brock protested.
"Brock!" Misty went wobbly eyed. "Does that mean you would have?"
"Crude! No!"
"Dammit! Why not?"
"There!" Jesse interrupted. "Do you see what we mean! Just remembering those incidents should have you jumping into each others arms."
"For comfort!" James quickly added. Jesse nodded. They gym leaders looked at each other skeptically.
"That settles it." Jesse announced. "You guys need Team-building exercise!"
"Mud wrestling?" James asked hopefully.
* * *
"There. It's all cleaned up. Now, how do we get to your boss's office?" Ash asked, wiping his hands on his pants. It had been decided that since Ash caused the mess he and Tracey had to clean it up by themselves. Butch, who'd joined to group just in time to hear the retelling of Clay and Allison's horrific demise, shook his head.
"Infirmary." He said. Ash and Tracey looked at their hands, which were covered in bleeding cuts and small, impaled bits of broken ceramic.
"That's a good idea." Tracey said suddenly woozy from either blood loss or a sissy reaction to the sight of blood.
Ash shook his head. "Tracey! We've got to save Pikachu!"
"Let me get this straight." Cassidy said. "The Boss took your pikachu because of your swearing and said you'd get him back at the end of the day, but you can't wait the three hours until then?" Ash nodded vigorously.
"You also want to save your gym trainer friends, kick the crap out of Jesse and James, which is almost impossible by the way, and then kick the crap out of the kid who just fainted?"
"Yeah." Sudden realization flooded Ash. "Oh. Maybe I'll get Misty and Brock first. That would be a lot smarter, wouldn't it?" The assembled Rockets nodded.
"Oh." Ash thought about it for a few more minutes. "Where do you think Jesse and James took Brock and Misty."
"Rec. room." They chorused.
* * *
Team Rocket, however, was no longer in the rec. room. They had moved into the corridor of storage closets.
"Now, you two get into this closet," James said pointing to one of the large empty closets that lined the hall. "And we'll get in to one of the other ones."
"What is that going to teach us about being a team?" Misty wondered.
"Isn't obvious?" Jesse asked. "We'll fight in one closet…"
"And you won't know which." James added.
"The noise will frighten you and you'll be forced to comfort each other."
"Meowth will go with you. To make sure you're doing things right."
"Now get in!" Jesse said, shoving them in and locking the door. She and James quickly moved into the next closet. Inside, Jesse produced a frying pan, several paper fans and a sledgehammer. "James, get ready to scream." James flinched and cowered in one corner.
"Jesse! What'd I do now?" He wailed. Jesse sighed.
"We're not really going to fight. We have to make some noise." She handed her partner the hammer and lifted the frying pan. "Ready?"
James grinned evilly. "Ready."
"Damn you to a fiery hell you snake-eyed bastard!" Jesse yelled.
"You're going down!" James shouted and swung the hammer. The instruments connect with a loud clang, forcing Jesse and James to cling to each other as they continued to hammer away.
* * *
Inside the closet, Brock and Misty sat facing the wall that joined their closet to the closet Jesse and James were in. In the past twenty minuets Misty had done her nails, brushed her hair and hit Psyduck twice. She and Brock had also played a game of 'I'm going to Victory Road'. Brock had slipped nicely into a daydream about Officer Jenny.
From the other side of the wall they could hear Jesse say, "That should scare them stiff for a little while." Misty sighed and examined her nails. As silence descended on the two closets Brock began to slowly pound his head against the closet wall.
* * *
In the other closet, James smiled. "I might have a TM for my delectable drowzee." Jesse giggled and shoved against James' chest.
"I have something for my energetic ekans." She told him and pulled a sprig of mistletoe leftover from Christmas out of her pocket. "Prepare for trouble." She whispered.
James grinned and held up his own mistletoe and tossed it up in the air. Their eyes followed the plant down to where it landed on Jesse. James grinned. "Make it double."
* * *
Inside Brock and Misty's storage closet the two trainers began to wonder about the sudden silence in the other room. "Meowth, what do you think's going on?'
Meowth began to shudder. "I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know."
Brock shrugged about to speak when a thumping sound from next door abruptly ended the quiet. He and Misty began to edge toward each other. Brock glanced at Meowth, still quietly freaking in the corner and then back at wall separating them from Team Rocket. "I don't think we wanna know Misty."
One phrase was heard clearly above the thumping and whispering from the other closet; "Why doesn't the frisky seadra use water gun?"
Misty stared in shock at the opposite wall and pressed herself tighter against the wall she was leaning on. "Brock?" She whispered.
"Yeah?" He whispered back and then flinched as he heard the words 'Use body slam, my snuggly clefairy!' In the other corner, Meowth began to weep.
"Hold me!" They both shrieked and grabbed each other.
* * *
"I don't get it." Ash said bitterly. "You said they'd be in the rec. room, but they're not anywhere."
"They should have been." Cassidy insisted. "It's where they always are."
"Yeah," Allison agreed. "If they're not there then they're in the kitchen eating."
"Which we've checked twice." Clay added, slightly disappointed.
"And when they're not there," Butch croaked out, "they're in their room."
"Which we've also checked." Tracey, who'd been bandaged and woken up for the search, added. "And we checked everybody else's rooms just to be on the safe side."
The gathered Rockets scratched their heads in collective amazement. Finally Clay offered up a suggestion. "Could they actually be doing their jobs?"
When the laughter died down the group spent several minutes roundly mocking Clay and his idea. They would have continued laughing and poking fun if it hadn't been for the distant sound of pounding.
"What's that?" Tracey, the first to hear the sound asked. "Where's it coming from?"
Butch cocked his head and then gestured down a dim hallway. "Storage." Cassidy went first, clicking on lights as she went. The farther down the hall they went the louder the pounding got. Soon they could hear muffled screams as well.
"That sounds like Meowth." Cassidy said.
"We're not looking for Meowth." Ash cried. "We're looking for Jesse and James and my gym trainers!"
"Duh!" Allison sneered. "Meowth is always with Jesse and James. If we find Meowth, we'll find them. Geez, no wonder you got your ass kicked in the League games."
Before Ash could pick a fight Butch stopped in front of a closet and jerked his thumb at the door. "He's in here." It took a few minutes to jimmy the lock, during which they were all subjected to Meowth's pleas for freedom, but it eventually opened. Meowth barreled out of the closet, past the members of Team Rocket and Team Twerp and down the hallway. Inside the closet, Brock and Misty were calmly playing cat's cradle.
"Brock, Misty!" Ash cried joyfully. "I've saved you!"
Misty and Brock screamed and flung themselves into the other's arms, tangling themselves up with approximately three feet of string. They recovered fairly quickly.
"Ash!" They cried, struggling against the string. They seemed to be in no hurry to climb out of each other's arms.
"What the…?" Ash started, then sighed. "Never mind. Where are Jesse and James?"
"Next door." Brock shrugged as best he could. "Why?"
"We have to kick the crap out of them for what they've done to Clay and Allison and for what they've done to you two!" Ash told them. Tracey nodded absently, to busy sketching his string-entangled friends. One day it was going to be good for blackmail.
"They didn't do anything to us." Misty said, untangling herself and Brock from the string and climbing out of the closet.
"Clay and Allison seem fine." Brock added. Then he and Misty were forced to cling to each other as Clay and Allison grew to monstrous proportions.
"They ruined our lives!" They shouted. "On more than one occasion!"
"Keep it down." Jesse called faintly, from the storage closet that Brock had indicated.
"Yeah," James mumbled. "Some of us are training around here."
In the hall, Clay nudged Allison. "See Al, he's in the closet." He said significantly.
Allison sighed, resigned. "I don't see either of them coming out anytime soon, Clay."
"Dammit! I said shut-up!" Jesse screamed from the closet. The door cracked open and a pokeball popped out. "Arbok! Poison sting attack!" Arbok lunged for Allison.
"Alright!" Ash cheered. "A pokemon battle! Pikachu, thunder!" Arbok looked at Ash.
"Char-bok?" Ash looked around and finally remembered that Pikachu was with the leader of Team Rocket. He was tempted to swear. He almost, almost, yelled dammit. Instead he took a deep breath and chose another pokemon.
"Bulbasaur! Vine whip!"
From the closet another pokeball emerged. "Weezing, smoke screen!"
Two unexpected things happened almost immediately. The first was that, as the narrow hallway was quickly filled with a large cloud of putrid smoke, Ash realized a large tactical error he'd previously made. "Pigeotto, gust…gaah! NO! I don't have Pigeotto anymore!" Ash cried. Then the second unforeseen event happened. Arbok scored a direct hit. Ash watched in horror as Bulbasaur fell beneath the poison stings. He quickly recalled his fainted pokemon and wondered what to do next.
Arbok, stunned, pulled back and hissed in confusion. "Charr-bok-a!" Jesse and James all but tumbled out of the closet they were…training…in. Jesse was missing her jacket, boots and gloves. James was missing his jacket and shirt as well as his gloves.
"Arbok! Good job, Mommy is soooo proud of you!" Jesse all but squealed, grabbing her pokemon in a tight hug. James coughed as he breathed in Weezing's noxious fumes.
"Enough Weezing! It worked! Good job." Then it hit him. "Jesse? Did our pokemon just win a battle? Fairly?"
That stunned everybody into silence for a few moments. Then Ash started to sob. "I can't believe I lost to Team Rocket!"
"You know what this means, right James?" Jesse asked, a gleam in her eyes.
"Ummm, it means that we don't suck?"
Jesse reached back into the closet and produced a sprig of, by now crushed, mistletoe. "Not quite."
"OoO!" James pushed Jesse back into the closet and closed the door. A second later it cracked open again and Weezing and Arbok were called into their pokeballs. Although they had been so tangled up in a 'victory hug' that they very well could have gone into one pokeball.
Meanwhile, Butch and Cassidy were studying the hallway. "Hmm. It took us almost three hours to find them down here, didn't it Butch?" Cassidy murmured.
Butch nodded. Understanding hit and he grinned. "Cass, don't we need to step up our training?" Cassidy giggled and shoved him into the closet recently vacated by Brock and Misty. The door slammed shut with a resounding bang.
Ash sighed as he watched his friends cling together at the noise. "Screw it!" He shouted, wiping the tears from his face. "Let's just get Pikachu and get the heck out of here!" He stalked off down the hall, followed by Tracey, Misty and Brock.
"Ash," Tracey said suddenly. "I don't think you're supposed to say heck. Isn't that what started this whole mess?"
Ash groaned and buried his head in his hands. "I don't care! I don't care if I never say another word ever again as long as we can get Pikachu and get out of here." He began to sob once again. "I just want my best friend back." He cried piteously.
"Well, young man." Giovanni said, magically appearing in front of the four. "I think we can accommodate you." From his blazer pocket he produced Pikachu. "I don't ever want to catch you swearing again!" He said sternly. Ash was crying in gratitude now.
"You won't! I promise!" He reached for Pikachu.
"Kaaa!" Pikachu whimpered, clinging to Giovanni.
"There, there." The overlord murmured. "Here, have another packet of ketchup." Pikachu sniffled and took the ketchup. "Don't cry." The Boss laughed suddenly. "Someday Jesse and James will actually catch you and then you can stay here as long as you like." Pikachu continued to sniffle but jumped from the Boss's hands into Ash's waiting arms.
"Pikachu!" Ash cheered, ignoring the fact that Pikachu hadn't really wanted to come with him. "I've saved you!"
"Pi-ka-CHUUU!" Pikachu screamed and thunder-shocked Ash for being an idiot. Tracey flipped to a new page in his sketchbook.
"I'm catching the malevolence on Pikachu's face as he 'lovingly' greets his trainer." He announced and laughed. Brock and Misty leaned over his shoulders.
"It's pretty good."
* * *
Two weeks later Ash, Brock, Misty, and Tracey were watching TV at the Ketchum residence. Tracey was idly capturing the way Mrs. Ketchum got ready for a hot date with Professor Oak. Ash was watching Reawor in slow motion, trying to point out all the chemistry between Team Mafia.
"The mail is here!" Ash's mom sang out, putting on earrings as she walked into the room. "There's a letter for Tracey," She smiled and handed it to him. "One for Brock, one for Misty and one for Brock and Misty together. Here you are darlings."
Ash looked up from the TV. "Nothing for me, Mom?" He asked. She shook her head and Ash frowned, suddenly noticing how very well dressed she was. "Mom? If you were dating Professor Oak, you'd tell me right?"
"Of course I would, dear." Outside, a horn honked. "That's my date, be good for Brock, Tracey and Misty, will you?" She kissed Ash distractedly. Ash watched her as she hurried out to a car that looked suspiciously like his mentor's. Her last words suddenly registered with him.
"Mom! You're not paying them to baby-sit me are you?!" His mother turned and blew him a kiss goodbye. Ash turned to his friends. "Is she paying you guys?"
"Alright! A letter from Todd!" Tracey cried excitedly. A photograph fell out of the letter as he opened it, distracting Ash from the embarrassing question of whether or not his mother was paying his best friends to stay with him while she went on a date.
"What did he send you?" Ash asked, hurt that Todd hadn't written him a letter or sent him a, potentially racy, photograph.
"Nothing!" Tracey said and hurriedly shoved the picture and letter in his pocket but not before Ash read the words 'thanks for the sketch, here's a picture that's sort of similar…"
Ash pouted, then turned to Brock and Misty. "What did you guys get?"
"Just the Gym Leader Association's newsletter." Brock said. Misty quickly hid the other letter, the one with the Team Rocket logo on the envelope. Ash frowned.
"Hey, Ash." Misty said suddenly, pointing at the TV. "Why does Jeremy have his hand under Jane's jacket?"
"What!?" Ash yelped. "Where? When? I didn't see it! Where's the remote control?!"
Misty and Brock hurried into the kitchen and ripped into the other letter.
"Were in!" Misty cheered. "We're the back-up Jesse and James!" Her brow wrinkled. "That's not so great, once I think about it."
Brock grabbed the letter. "It's not so bad. We're only Jesse and James when they get fired, go on vacation or take worker's comp time-off." Misty snatched the letter back.
"Hmm, and every third weekend in the summer. Hey! We get paid 500 yen an hour!"
"Alright!" Brock cheered. "That's more than we made as gym leaders!" He and Misty shared an enthusiastic celebratory hug. Tracey, standing in the hallway and busily drawing again, wondered what Giovanni paid for information and if it beat the other Team Rocket members' blackmail prices.
* * *
In Team Rocket Head Quarters, Jesse and James had already heard the news about their 'back-ups'. The Boss had informed them he was not going to suffer with 'inadequate Jesse/James rip-offs whenever the need to fire the originals arose' while giving them the latest addition to the Team Rocket mailing list.
Jesse had shrugged, unconcerned. She and James had been fired and re-hired so often that they had destroyed almost everybody's reputation while getting their jobs back from their replacements.
She was much more concerned over the latest mail. "A three day 'Your Partner and You' seminar?" She groaned. "How are we supposed to survive that? Especially with Cassidy there, trying to prove that we need the seminar." Jesse blushed hotly. "Like we're a couple or something." Hint, hint, she thought.
James seemed to be ignoring her hints. "Day One: Forbidden Fruit Gives You Intestinal Parasites and Brain Damage." He read aloud. "That'll make an interesting brochure later." He kept reading. "Day Two: Your Hands Can't Touch What Your Eyes Can't See; A Story of Re-assignment." He winced, remembering his own painful re-assignment. He'd missed Jesse fiercely after just one day. "Jesse, this sounds bad."
Meowth grabbed the seminar itinerary as Jesse and James shared horrified, stricken looks. "Day Three: Winners Practice Delayed Gratification, Real Winners Think Gratification is Overrated." The pokemon snickered. "Dis is gonna kill da two of ya."
Jesse suddenly chuckled evilly. "James, don't we have stand-ins now?"
James grinned. "I think we have vacation time coming too!" He rubbed his hands together briskly. "I think next week sounds good."
Jesse picked up the phone. "I'll alert the back-up Jesse and James." She looked at Meowth. "Have fun with them at the 'Your Partner and You' seminar, Meowth."
The cat pokemon shrugged. "Dey ain't as bad as you."
Jesse snickered. "Not yet."
Will Ash ever find out that his Mom is dating Professor Oak? Will Jesse and James (either set of them) be forced into attending the seminar? Tune in next time and don't find out!