Hi! Hope you enjoy this one shot. I realize it is slightly different. My wish is that you give it a chance and read the entire piece. Thank-you.
Disclaimer: The author of this fan fiction does not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creators.
"What am I doing?" He thought as he sat on the #64 Main Southbound TTC bus as it drove through the streets of the east end Toronto neighbourhood.
"Why did I make that phone call?"
"I'm an idiot! I know perfectly well why I picked up the phone and dialled her number. I did it for the same reason I agreed to meet her today. I want...no...I need...answers...actually, I just need to talk to someone who knows her and is not within the realm of the 15th."
"She would have to pick a place along Queen St. East in the Beach. One of the few places I won't drive my truck. Everyone knows parking is a nightmare in that region. I hate taking the bus."
Slowly he stood and walked towards the exit as the bus driver pulled the vehicle over to the stop at the corner of Wineva Ave. and Queen St. East. Leaving the bus he walked west along the north side of Queen St. towards the "Juice and Java Cafe".
He noticed her sitting at a table near the front window as soon as he entered the café. After acknowledging her with a nod he walked over to the counter and ordered a French vanilla flavoured coffee.
"She's here. I guess I can push my fear of her not showing to the side. Now I have to hope she is here to talk and not...and not...to just express her anger at me."
After paying and thanking the Barrista Girl he turned and made his way towards her table.
"Hello Sam."
"It's nice to see you again Clare." He replied as he pulled out the chair across the table from her and sat down.
"I...um...I was afraid...you wouldn't show."
Clare leaned back in her chair and watched the young man sitting across from her a moment. Young was not the perfect word to describe him, but he wasn't exactly middle-aged or old either. He was somewhere between her daughter's age and her own age. She knew her daughter was very taken with this man. Even weeks after he broke her heart, she continued to care deeply for him. He was part of the reason she was "MIA".
"We never really tried to get to know each other Sam. If we had you would know that if I say I will be somewhere, I will be there." She replied while giving him a soft smile.
"When I first met you I wasn't sure of your sudden interest in Andy. I worried you would hurt her by leaving abruptly. I didn't trust you. I guess it's what prevented me from trying to get to know you Clare."
"Andy told me that you worked with her farther before he retired."
"Yea...he was a detective at the 15th when I was a rookie cop. Part of his role was to act as a TO when the rookies rotated through his department. He trained me and some of my friends. After we were all cut loose we all worked a few cases with Tommy"
"He ever talk about his home life? He ever mention Andy or me?"
"Not really. I knew he was married with a child. He occasionally mentioned his daughter and watching her play soccer. Not much more."
"I take it then that you don't know how Tommy and I met or the circumstances around Andy's birth?"
Now it was Sams' turn to lean back in his seat and watch Clare. "The circumstances around Andy's birth? Why would she bring that up?" He wasn't sure of Clare's exact age, but he estimated there was only about twenty year's difference between mother and daughter. He knew Tommy retired around five years ago. That meant that there was a rather large age gap between Andy's parents. Not unlike the age difference between Andy and himself.
"I can understand maybe bringing up how her and Tommy met, but...why bring up Andy's birth?" He thought.
Sam shook his head while staring directly at Clare.
"Tommy and I met when I was 19 and a second year psychology student at the University of Toronto. I had a part-time job at Maple Leaf Gardens as an usher. Tommy use to pick up extra shifts working as a "cop for hire" at the Gardens during Leaf games and concerts. We use to talk sometimes when we both worked the same event. One evening after a Leaf game Tommy asked me out on a date. I knew he was older than me but, I accepted and two days later we went out to dinner. He took me to this really wonderful upscale restaurant. No one had ever taken me to a place that nice. I fell for him. Things were great for a while. I continued my studies and Tommy decided to start taking courses to become a detective. We were studying, working and having fun. Then one morning about seven months later I woke up feeling sick. I thought at first I had eaten something that didn't agree with me or I had picked up a bug. After a week of feeling sick every morning I purchased a pregnancy test. Well...I was raised Catholic. It meant being pregnant and unwed was a huge problem. I didn't know how to tell Tommy. I finally, a few nights later, just blurted it out to him. He actually wasn't upset. He didn't blame me for the pregnancy. We were always careful, but I guess not careful enough. When he asked me to marry him I didn't even think twice about saying yes. Seven months later Andy came "barreling" into my life."
Sam nearly choked on his sip of coffee.
Clare smiled softly. "She told me how the two of you met. I guess it's her way. I mean "barreling" into people's lives."
Sam gazed out the Cafe's front window a moment before looking at Clare again.
"If someone had told me that day...how much of a part of my life she was eventually going to become...I...I would have told them they were crazy."
"There's more to my story Sam."
"Andy was born in June. It meant I was able to complete my third year of university before I gave birth to her. My plan was to return to school in September. I only had one more year left and I would have my degree. If I finished my studies I could get a good job in the field I really enjoyed. Things just fell apart. I started looking into daycare for Andy. I found out daycare wouldn't take a child under six months old. Andy would only be two and a half months old by the time school started in September. I couldn't roam around the university taking her to class all day everyday."
"Why didn't your parents or Tommy's' babysit Andy?"
"My parents were not from Toronto. I grew up in a town called Tiverton along the shores of Lake Huron. It's three hours away, by car, from Toronto. They couldn't help. Tommy's parents had both passed away by the time he and I met."
"I delayed the start of my fourth year at the university till the following January. Andy would be seven months old then and would qualify for daycare. I checked into the status of my academic scholarship and found out I still qualified as the recipient. I wouldn't lose that financial support. I assumed my parents would continue with their support. I mean I didn't really need that much more financial help. I mean I no longer needed to pay to live on campus. Andy and I were living with Tommy at his apartment."
"Your parents didn't come through."
"No...they refused. They said I had married and that they were no longer responsible for me or my education. It was my husband's responsibility. I talked to Tommy and he felt that between my part-time job at the Gardens, him picking up extra shifts as a "rent-a-cop" and subsidized daycare we could pull everything off. It would only be for a few months. Then I could work as a therapist and make decent money. Turns out that cops make too much money and do not qualify to receive subsidized daycare. They told us it would be easier if I was a single mom living alone. I could then apply for subsidized daycare, educational assistance and living expenses. I thought maybe I could do part-time studies. The problem was that my scholarship was only for full-time students. Changing my status from full-time to part-time meant I would no longer be eligible to receive funds from the scholarship."
"You were blocked at every turn."
"Yea...I had to quit university. When Andy was nine months old I found a position as an assistant councillor at a youth hostel. The pay was alright but, I hated the job. Over the next five years I took eight different jobs. I wasn't happy in any of them. I really wanted to work as a therapist. The only way was to finish my degree. When Andy turned six and started grade one I applied to the university to complete my degree part-time. The university accepted my application. I took one course at a time. I was only away one evening a week. Tommy and I were still good at that point. He enjoyed spending time with Andy. He helped her with homework, took her to the park and played with her, he went and watched her play soccer, he always put her to bed on time and the list goes on. By the time I finished my degree Andy was nine. Three months later I found a job as a therapist. It was the first time I was really happy in a job. The trouble now was Tommy and I were not in the best place. Things just seemed to change between the two of us overnight. He was always good to Andy, but he started blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. He was a detective by then. If he did not receive a promotion it was somehow my fault. He didn't get chosen for a task force he would come home and yell at me. Then this one evening he arrived home late. Andy was in bed asleep. He was half drunk and carrying on about applying for a promotion. I told him he should apply. That's when he hit me and told me there was no point. They needed someone who could devote a lot of time to the job. With him being married he would never be considered. He had hit the glass ceiling and it was my fault. He should never of married or become a father. From that point on things just went from bad to worse. He never hit me again, but the verbal abuse continued. I got to the point where I dreaded him coming home at night.
"Is that when you decided to leave?"
"Yea...I wanted Andy to come with me. I begged her to come, but she refused."
"Why would you leave her if Tommy was abusive?"
"He was always good to her. It was me he directed all his anger towards."
"Why did you never contact her after you left? Why...?"
"I called every Sunday. Tommy wouldn't let me speak to her. He had custody. I didn't really have too many parental rights. Looking back I guess I could have phoned her one day a week right after school. Her dad wouldn't even have known."
"Why didn't you?"
"Do you remember the case we all ran into each other? The boy Connor and his family?
"Yea...he pulled a gun on us."
"He wanted us to leave Sam. He didn't want to have to choose between his mom and dad. What he was doing was choosing his home. In the home everyone was together. In choosing his home he was picking his family. He chose his family. I resented Andy for choosing to stay for the longest time. I thought she picked her father over me. I guess my resentment stopped me from exploring other options to contact Andy. I pushed her away. Maybe I just turned my back and walked away. It was years later, after I started working for family services, that I realized she had done the same thing as Connor and hundreds of other children. She chose her home and her family. She didn't pick one parent over the other. I pushed my twelve-year-old daughter out of my life because I couldn't see what she was trying to carry out."
Sam sat forward and leaned his arms on the table. "You're not the only one who didn't understand a choice she made or wrongfully blame her for something and then push her away. Just cut her completely off. I did the same thing."
"I know."
"Andy and I became caught up in an UC operation and while...let's just say things went south. When everything was over and done with...well Andy and I both were given three-month suspensions. Part of the criteria of our suspensions was we were not supposed to see each other. I didn't care about the rules. All I wanted was her. She took the suspension thing very seriously. As a result she left and spent the three months in North Bay. I took it to mean all she wanted was to keep being a cop. When she came back she was all happy at seeing me, being back on the job and socializing with her friends. I was still annoyed with her and gave her the "cold shoulder". I tried to push her away. I just realized now that really she didn't choose being a cop over me. It was Andy being Andy. She chose both me and the job. In her mind she was trying to let us be together while still being cops. It is the one thing we both love to do, law enforcement. She was doing the same thing she did all those years ago with you and Tommy."
"Yes she was Sam. I guess I'm responsible in a way. I inadvertently taught her the technique when she was a little girl."
"Looking back I could have driven to North Bay for a few days and visited. I guess I didn't for the same reason you didn't try to call her on a different day after your divorce. I resented her leaving, just like you resented her for staying. Until now I don't think I ever totally forgave Andy for leaving, but she apologized and while...I mellowed. We started working on a relationship. Then my friend Jerry died on the job. I blamed Andy for his death."
"Why Sam? Why blame her?"
"The week Jerry died Andy's friend and co-worker Gayle was staying with her for a few nights. The place Gayle lived at was undergoing some renovations. It meant that I didn't get to see too much of Andy. The night before Jerry died Andy agreed to stay with me at my place. That evening we were all involved in an undercover operation. Gayle resembled all the victims. She was the one sent in to the restaurant to make contact with the suspect while the rest of us acted as backup. After the take down Gayle went back to Andy's in a cab. I came around a few minutes later to pick Andy up and head back to my place. Andy cancelled staying at my place that night. She said Gayle felt "off" after having to deal with the "perp" and shouldn't spend the night alone. I took Andy back to her place and dropped her off. Normally I would have walked her up to her door and made sure she got in okay. I got ticked off when she chose to spend the night at her place with Gayle instead of spending the night with me at my place. I didn't bother to walk her up to her apartment door. Andy walked in on the guy attempting to kidnap Gayle. Apparently Gayle was texting her boyfriend and thought he was the one knocking on the door. She didn't bother to look through the security spy hole first before opening the door. Gayle let the "perp" in. Andy tried to fight the guy when she arrived, but he overpowered her and injected her with a drug. If I had walked Andy to her door...she and I together would have been able to take him down. Gayle's kidnapping never would have occurred."
"Sam...you can't know that for sure. The guy may have already left with Gayle by the time you parked your car and walked Andy to her door."
"There's more. Originally Andy and I were suppose to go and interview the cab driver that drove Gayle to Andy's condo the night of the kidnapping, but Andy thought it was a waste of time pursuing the angle. She was sure one of the bartenders from the restaurant, the night before, was good for the crime. Somehow I knew the cab driver was a better lead. Instead of listening to my instincts I went along with Andy. Jerry went to interview the cab driver alone and the guy killed him. After Jerry's death I became angry at Andy. I mean I was angry at myself, at Jerry, at the job...at everything but I directed it all at Andy. I think I was still holding some resentment towards her for leaving all those months past. I blamed Andy for convincing me to go and talk to that bartender instead of the cab driver. I felt that if she and I had gone to interview the cab driver instead of the bartender Jerry would be alive today. A couple of days later I yelled at her. Told her that I was tired listening to some stupid rookie instead of my gut. It did nothing but get people killed. I pushed her away. I completely turned my back on her. I wouldn't take her calls, I avoided her at work, and half the time I wouldn't look at her, I even went to our Staff Sergeant and asked him to partner Andy with another officer. I felt guilty, confused, angry and hurt after Jerry died. I think...I don't know...pushing Andy away...blaming her for Jerry's death...it was a subconscious protection mechanism. I think I was trying to protect myself somehow from all my emotions. Protect myself from ever getting hurt again."
"Sam..."
"The truth is everyone and no one is to blame for Jerry's death. The detectives in charge of the undercover op are to blame for not having an uniformed officer take Gayle home in a cruiser. Gayle is to blame for opening the door without checking to see who was there first. I'm to blame for not walking Andy to the door of her condo. Our Staff Sergeant is to blame for allowing Andy to work the next day. She should have been home resting. Jerry is to blame for going alone to interview the cab driver. He should have taken back up or at least stayed outside and spoken to the driver on the front porch. Clare..."
"Sam...you and I...our relationships with Andy...they have many parallels. We've both misunderstood her actions at times and we have both treated her similarly. I didn't know we were so alike."
"Neither did I."
"Where is she? Do you know?"
"No...I'm trying to find out but, I need to carry out my inquires with a lot of care. She's gone undercover. One small mistake on my part and it could cost Andy her life."
"Clare...did you know she was taking an undercover assignment?"
"No...Sam she was still hurting from the break-up. She said she was over you, but the truth is she was nowhere near that point. Seeing you everyday at work wasn't helping the situation. The same with attending the same bar after work some evenings. She asked me for advice. I thought she needed a change of venue for a while. She told me about some task force. She said she was considering submitting her application. Sam...I didn't know what it involved. I thought it meant she would be working at headquarters. I encouraged her to apply. I told her not to be "that girl", the one that stays around for some guy and doesn't move forward with their own life."
"The night she left. Earlier that day...Andy...while lets just say she managed to get herself into a situation that only she could manage. It doesn't really matter what it was...when I saw her...in that predicament I knew I needed to tell her how I felt. I told her I loved her. I said "I love you"."
"You told her you loved her! Sam...the night before you were playing pool with some other girl right in front of Andy."
"What! I wasn't...no, no, no...she wasn't interested in me. I'm not interested in her. She's a friend of my buddy Oliver. He's another cop at the 15th. Andy thought..."
"What did you expect she would think?"
"I don't know...I guess I just wasn't thinking."
"What was Andy's response? What was her reaction?"
"I thought we could just pick up where we left off. I tried to joke everything off. When she tried to walk away from me I told her I was sorry that when things got tough I walked away. She...she said that she had spent the last six weeks trying to talk to me and to work things out and now she was done. I told her she didn't have to do anything. I would do it all. I would make her dinner, take out her garbage and walk her dog. We could start that night with dinner. When she said "no" I told her we would start with one drink and then I would drive her home. I waited all night for her to show."
"Sam...the day I ran into Andy...later that evening, back at the station I tried to do the same thing...you know jump right back into the mom role. She turned her back on me and started to walk away. I called after her in a bit of a "mom" raised voice. When she kept walking I called her Andrea. It was a mom response. The thing was it had been too long. Biologically I will always be her mother but, at that point and time I was no longer her mom. I couldn't just step right back into the role. When it came to Andy...I had to start building a relationship with her from the ground up."
"Jumping right back in, as her boyfriend, after everything that happened wasn't the best idea. I guess our relationships with Andy really do parallel Clare."
"In our own ways Sam we both sent her off to undercover."
"You encouraged her to leave because you thought it would be a change of venue. It would be good for her to get away. I chased her away."
"Is the work she is doing dangerous?"
"It's undercover. Yea, it's dangerous. She went under with a partner. I know he will have her back but, I worry about her everyday."
"When she comes back Sam..."
"That's the problem. I think when she comes home...but...what if..."
"Sam...she will be back. There is no "if"...she will be back."
"I wish I could be as positive about her safety as you."
"Sam, our lives involving Andy parallel. I have never said "I love you" to Andy since she came back into my life. I don't know why? I never found the right opportunity. You haven't really had your second chance with her yet. She will come back."
"You still have to tell her you love her but, I feel I had a second chance and blew it."
"That wasn't a second chance. It was just a moment of clarity. She will be back Sam." Clare said quietly while giving Sam a soft smile and placing her hand over his with a comforting, motherly touch.
Sam glanced at the woman sitting across from him and nodded.
"They really were not all that different." He thought.
This piece is more of an exploration into a couple of relationships and how they entwine. I realize it is a bit different. It is why more than usual I would like know your thoughts. Does anyone else see these relationships the same way? Let me know. Thank-you for reading.