©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2001, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.
LEGAL DONKEY KONG DISCLAIMER: © uh... well, I don't really have the proper copyright info for this one. Euh... anyway... it's copyright... 2000+, we'll say, by Rare and Nintendo. As always, all rights reserved.
NOTE: This story is NOT for kids! And plus, if you haven't beaten Conker's BFD before, there are plenty of evil spoilers around here that'll give away parts of the game, namely the ending. You've been warned!
Conker woke up after another long night of drinking. He had no clue where he was. His throat was feeling pretty scratchy, and he cleared it, coughing loudly. His eyes were bloodshot, his mouth was dry, and his head felt like a badger's ass. He fixed his crooked crown a bit, but that didn't much help his situation. "Ohhh no..." He muttered. "It's going to be... another one of those days." He tried to stand, but fell backwards. "Ugh, I need some... sleep..." He shook his head, and pushed himself up once more. He looked at his surroundings. "Euh, this doesn't look like the Cock and Plucker anymore... where am I? And... how did I get here...? Augh... my head..." He put a hand to his forehead, and walked in another direction. He felt terribly dizzy. He headed down a path for a little while, until he arrived at what appeared to be an opening to a cave, or something. He turned around to look behind him, and he saw water. Water, as well as a few other islands. "So, I'm on an island... okay... how did I get on an island!? Augh... anyway..." He stumbled into the cave slowly.
Donkey Kong sat on a lawn chair by his treehouse, sipping a pina colada from a coconut. He had his radio playing, he was wearing his shades, he was relatively feeling fine. Of course, he was... until Cranky arrived. "Get your fat ass off that chair and help me with the yardwork!" He screamed at his son. Donkey Kong yawned. "Can you keep it down, pops? This is my favourite song." He said coolly, gesturing his free hand to the radio. Cranky fumed. "Augh, you lazy little bastard! I always have to do the bloody yardwork around my house, you don't help a bit! Why is that?" He hissed through clenched, euh, gums. DK tipped his sunglasses down so he could look at his father. "Maybe because it's your house? I'm fine taking care of my own house, thank you." He replied. He quickly put his sunglasses back at the top of his nose. Cranky huffed and turned around, walking back to his laboratory. "You don't take care of your house... always these banana peels lying all over the place... someone could slip and break their neck... stupid bastard." He mumbled. DK shrugged and turned the radio up over the sound of Cranky's whippersnipper being turned on. "Yoo-hoo! Donkey Kong!" Called a noticably feminine voice. DK craned his neck around to see his girlfriend, Candy, waving from outside the opening to a cave that led out of the jungle. DK waved back. "Hey, Candy. What's up?" He called back. Candy - who looks an awful lot like a monkey version of Britney Spears, don't you agree? - walked over behind DK's chair and hugged him around the neck. "Not a whole lot. I just thought that, well, you and I could spend some 'quality time'... upstairs... in your hammock... right now..." She whispered seductively in his ear. DK grinned. "I think I see what you're getting at," He removed his sunglasses and winked at her. "Sounds pretty good to me." He started to stand, when he heard something... no, someone, calling out to him. "Ughh... hello, monkey... can you, uh, help me out, here?" It was Conker. DK looked toward the drunken squirrel and immediately noticed why he needed help. I mean, some hung over squirrel wearing a king's crown in this sort of place obviously wasn't very sane. DK sighed. "I'm about to, uh, get busy here, what do you want?" He yelled back. Conker stumbled over. "Can you tell me where I am? Because... I really need to get some sleep... I don't feel very well at all I think today's gonna suck as bad as yesterday did..." He grumbled, reflecting back on yesterday's events. Okay, so, well, not all of them were bad. He rather enjoyed bouncing on an attractive sunflower's, euh, shall we say, "stigmas". But he also lost his girlfriend and became king of a place he didn't want to be at all. He sighed. He had hoped to drown his sorrows in a nice bottle of scotch, but it only worked for a few hours. Now they were back again, and twice as bad. "You're in the DK Isles, dumbass. How'd you get here without knowing, anyway? It's kind of hard to just stumble over here, you know, since you'd basically be stumbling into water." DK replied impatiently. Dammit, would this guy just get out of here!? AUGH! "I... I really don't know. Don't you have a nice bit of alka-seltzer or something like that? Any context sensitive areas or anything? This is a really bad hangover and I-" DK interrupted Conker. "You obviously need some... mental help or something, because I don't know WHAT you're talking about. Context sensitive areas?" He shook his head and looked at Candy. "He's a few cents short of a dollar." He whispered. Conker frowned at him. "You know, if I didn't feel so bad right now, I'd take out my frying pan and pop you one, but I really, really don't feel so good right now. Please, just... something that'll cure this damn hangover." He muttered. DK shook his head. "Fine, fine. But it'll cost ya, since Candy and I were about ready to-" Candy made a slicing motion across her neck. "Oh, we were about to, uh... eat cheese. That's right." Conker groaned, remembering the incident yesterday with Marvin (the mouse) and cheese. "Please don't mention cheese around me right now." He said to DK. DK shrugged. "Fine, whatever. Now, follow me." DK walked over to where Cranky was slicing and dicing helpless weeds into a pitiful oblivion. "Cranky," Donkey said. Cranky didn't hear DK over all the noise. "Cranky..." DK continued, growing quite annoyed. Cranky still couldn't hear him. "CRANKY TURN OFF THE FUCKIN' WEEDWACKER!" DK screamed. Cranky turned off the whippersnipper. "Watch your fuckin' language, ya little prick!" He yelled. "What do you want!?" Conker held his head and stumbled a bit. "Can you please... not yell so loud? Any louder and I'll have an anurism..." He groaned. Cranky cocked an eyebrow at Conker. "Donkey, how many times have I told you not to bring any pets home!? This squirrel is no exception! Get him outta here!" DK slapped a hand to his forehead. "Cranky, this squirrel really needs some help. In... more ways than one." Conker frowned at DK. "Make him a non-hangover potion or something. He really, really needs it." Cranky pushed all his weight onto his cane and leaned forward, adjusting his spectacles to get a better look at Conker. "Back in my day we never drank alcohol. It was always soda-less sodapop. If one of us were caught drunk or with a hangover, we'd have to stomp the jelly grapes with our bare feet for a month then eat all the jam ourselves. Of course, I never drank." He shook his head, and DK rolled his eyes. "Augh, would you just SHUT UP!? Nobody cares, and even if they did, well, they wouldn't really. Just make him a God damn potion." He urged. Cranky examined Conker even closer. "It'll cost ya, damn rodent." He grumbled. Conker sighed. "Please, just hurry up. I'll pay you after." He offered. Cranky glared at Conker for another moment, his eyeball twitching slightly, before hobbling back into his laboratory, shaking his head and mumbling "Damn squirrels... just like those bloody crocodiles. I hate those stupid things...". Conker shook his head, thinking Augh, what have I gotten myself into this time?
Some time later, Cranky returned, carrying a bubbling blue potion. "Here ya go, ya little shit. That'll cost you three banana coins." He grumbled, handing Conker the potion. Conker drank it up, feeling better instantly. "Wow, that was just what I needed! Thanks, monkey, I feel loads better! Guess I'll be off then." He started to walk in the other direction, but Cranky grabbed him by the hood of his sweater, stopping him in mid-step. "Not so fast, squirrel. I do believe I asked for three banana coins for the potion. Either pay up, or... else." He said in a rather sinister tone. Conker grinned. "I might do that, but I've only got the bills on me, bucko. See ya, then!" He removed Cranky's grubby monkey paw from his sweater and headed off in the direction which he came. Cranky dropped his cane and grabbed Conker's hood once more with that hand. Of course, Cranky lost his balance and fell flat on his face, bringing Conker down on top of him. Candy and DK burst into laughter as Cranky yelled "Get your squirrelly ass off me! Augh... squirrels! Get off me, you little bastard!" Conker stood and brushed himself off. Then, he noticed Candy. "Whoa! Is that your girlfriend!?" He said to DK, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. DK nodded. "Yeah, that's Candy all right." He replied, putting an arm around Candy. Conker grinned sheepishly. "Whoa... she's..." then, he remembered Berri. Berri, if only she were still with him now. "...She's a monkey!" He slapped himself on the forehead. What am I thinking!? I'm being unfaithful to Berri... heh heh, but she is pretty hot for a monkey. "Euh, I'm Conker." He held out his hand, and DK shook it. "Nice to meet you." Well, not really. "Yeah, likewise." DK replied. Uh, not really. "Oh wait, hang on! You know Diddy, right?" Conker cocked an eyebrow. "Eh, Diddy... oh yeah! I remember him now." He thought back a bit to a time he had raced with Diddy (author's note: Diddy Kong Racing). But, that was a few years ago. "How is he, anyway?" Pff, like I care. "He's not doing so bad. How about I call him over to pay you a visit?" DK requested. Conker nodded. "Sure, sure." He said. Oh great, this is gonna be SOME fun. DK and Candy went off to DK's treehouse.
An hour went by, but Candy and DK didn't return. Conker was about to go up to the treehouse, when he heard a slightly high-pitched (but obviously male) voice call out to him. "Conker! Hey, Conker!" It was Diddy. Oh, just what I fucking need. Conker thought. He decided not to show his unhappiness externally, and waved at Diddy. "Hey, Diddy, it's been a long time. You look, uh, the same." He remarked as Diddy stood beside him. Diddy laughed. "Wish I could say the same for you! I'm glad you ditched that dorky vest you were wearing. That didn't suit you at all." He said with a smirk. That actually made Conker feel kind of nice, because at least someone finally commented on his new style. However, Conker really had nothing nice to say about Diddy's outfit. So, he changed the subject. "Er, do you have any idea how I can get out of here?" Conker asked Diddy. Cranky limped over. "Oh, you're not leaving this island until you pay me for my services." He grumbled. Conker looked confused. "Looks like old age has taken it's toll on you, pal. I SAID," he started to yell. "I'VE ONLY GOT BILLS ON ME!" Cranky plugged his ears. "I'm not deaf, asshole! I heard you the first time! But you are GOING to get me that money, even if it almost kills you, or does! You're getting me my money!" He yelled. Conker shook his head. "And they called ME greedy, sheesh. Fine, fine, I'll get your money. Where do I find it, now?" He asked, tapping an impatient foot on the grass. Cranky shook his head. "Stupid squirrels," he muttered, shaking his head. "Where do you THINK you'll get the bloody money, out your arse!? Earn it! Get a freaking job or something, I don't care, just get the money wherever you can. Find it on the ground, for all I care, just pay me, and hurry up!" He grumbled. He stalked away to his laboratory, kicking the whippersnipper every step of the way. "Back in my day we weren't allowed to waste other people's time and not pay them. If we stole it'd be off with our ears... bloody crocodiles..." He mumbled, shaking his head. Diddy laughed a bit. "Ohhh, you've offended Cranky. Scary, eh?" He laughed his annoying monkey laugh once more. "Hey, what're you doing with that king crown on your melon anyway?" He pointed to the crown sitting atop Conker's head. Great, just what I need. Conker thought. "Trust me, pal, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. What are DK and Candy doing, anyway?" He asked. "They've been up their for hou-oh, geez. I think I just realized. Oh, man, I think I'll shut up now." Diddy raised an eyebrow. Or, he would, if he had eyebrows, which I'm sure he didn't. He's a monkey, people, a freaking monkey. "Huh? What are they doing?" He asked. Conker shook his head and looked at the ground. Looks like this monkey hasn't received sexual education as of yet. Ho, boy. He thought. "Uh, just you, uh, never mind there, Diddy. Now, how do I get some cash for this guy here?" He made a quick hand gesture toward Cranky's lab. Diddy grinned. "Follow me, I'll show you where the cash is." Diddy started to head off in another direction. Mannn, that is the LAST TIME I leave the bar when I'm drunk. Next time I'll get the bartender to MAKE SURE I pass out IN the bar. Conker thought, shaking his head. Diddy stopped running. "Hey, Conker! Ya comin'?" He called. Conker looked up. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm coming." He ran after him. Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.
End of Part 1
Whai. This is what you get when you get an insane, insane, IN-BLOODY-SANE girl addicted to foul video games; you get pure and utter crap like this. I've got plenty planned for this, though, including more movie parodies, another lock-up, and much, much more. I've even got ideas for other Conker fanfics, but since ff.net doesn't have a Conker section nor does it have a misc. games section, I'll have to request one, or not write it at all. Right, if you've got any questions or comments, feel free to e-mail me and ask/comment away! I know this wasn't funny !!!AT ALL!!! but it will be soon! Oh yeah, and just in case you were wondering, YES, I'm freaking female and I love BFD. Weird, eh? There are few females out there who enjoy that sense of humour, and I can proudly say I am one of them! Right, shutting up now. Part 2 coming very soon!