Sacrifice, Part I
Author's Note: Yo, still sticking around peeps! I bring back a ghost from pretty much ten years ago today. I am rebranding Sacrifice of Angels simply as Sacrifice. No need to be fancy at this point.
In keeping with Sacrifice of Angels, this part doesn't do a lot of depicting but a lot of explaining, if that makes sense. Mostly because I can't get in a jam with these two like others. Their history is interesting but I think the future is a little bit better. You will be getting far more than the original, I promise that, however.
This one is short for current me who averages like a 50 page chapter but Part II, the final part, will most likely be to that standard. It does revamp the original history and Azuma who was always a wee bit flat in the personality area. Jilliana's still a bit fluttery but we have another chapter to work on that.
We have spoilers for Leave Out All the Rest and Steps Toward the Future present, naturally, if you got a chance to read the original. Leave Out All the Rest is somewhere in another galaxy on when I can stomach trying to finish that one. At this point I'd almost go heinous 'it was all a dream' sequence with that dramafest.
Momentary smut in there. Happy reading.
Introducing Problematic Reflection: So admittedly, this stuff is ancient and definitely a product of me learning through life what society tells people to be, what's acceptable, nonsense, just...aging and learning. So as I'm not going to be doing too many massive edits at this time, I will review what may be problematic in the story. Sacrifice I'm writing at almost thirty so at most I'm angry and cynical XP Just drama problematic, I'd say.
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"So let's fail the Bechdel Test."
Izumi Jilliana looked up with a raised brow and a smirk at her younger sister, Izumi Carrie. Currently she'd come over to Jilliana's hardly occupied apartment with her four month old son, Hayato.
It was the sort of thing Carrie would do. One second she was enrolled in college to pursue acting and the next, she disappears on some mysterious adventure for five whole years. None of them saw her, they barely spoke with her, and, when she finally decides to return, she returns with a baby. Jilliana was glad to say she was far more boring.
Jilliana smiled warmly at her baby nephew as they sat on the couch, enjoying a cup of tea and chatter. She wished it hadn't taken half a decade of worrying and tears but Carrie returned a very softer, sweeter person. Before, she was just very gruff and cool. Jilliana never really had any problems with her baby sister but Carrie never seemed to care for either her or their baby brother much. Nowadays though, she'd come visit Jilliana whenever she had even a minute bit of free time in her life. It was seldom regardless but she appreciated that.
When she was in high school, everyone around her announced her a 'model' or a 'dancer' or something very 'pretty'. She was blonde with blue eyes and strangely tall, apparently due to her dad. It was expected that she would only use her looks. While she very much loved going to her grandmother's, the great fashion designer, Yagada, shows, she would hate having to be shuffled in and out of clothes. Not to mention, people treated models to such a varying degree of idolatry and contempt. She wasn't sure she could handle that in particular when she was only going off her genetics.
Dancing was more feasible, she'd been into ballet and classical since she was young. That being said, she wasn't really drawn to it as a career. A past time, yes, certainly, but not every day and as her breadwinner. In her last year of high school, she was really drawing at straws. Her somewhat older cousin was starting school to be a lawyer, her younger cousins Jyun and Kaede knew they'd be into the arts…she really had no idea what was appropriate because anything she thought was interesting wasn't expected.
That changed.
Yagami Yamada was their grandfather, their mother's papa, a gentle soul and a well-known accomplished doctor. They had been at the Yagami Mansion in Subami for dinner when the man came over. Their mother joked that he was secretly glad there were more girls in this family, apparently a point of amazement to him that he had five sons and only one daughter. Jilliana wasn't sure he ever expressed any abject favoritism. Well, before that conversation that changed her life.
"Hello, sweetie."
"Hi, grandpa! How are you?"
"Oh, well. How are you? Any ideas on college yet?"
Jilliana had internally groaned but had come up with some excuse. Somehow he just recognized her own buried issues and pulled her to the empty living room to talk in private.
"Sweetie, I don't know why it's still going on this far into the future but you are capable of being anything you want. Of course you're a lovely young woman and anything you want to pursue is within your grasp…but I don't think you want to model. I've never gotten that sort of feel from you. I think there are different things you want to pursue."
…Yes. Jilliana remembered dropping her head before looking up at him, thinking he'd tell her to be realistic. Yes, she and Keiji were amongst the top ten to twenty in the school ranking wise. Her grades were stellar and she felt that was another thing people always doubted. 'She must have cheated' or 'there's no way she can be pretty and smart'. No, she wanted good grades and she got good grades. In her head, she…she wanted…
"Grandpa, I would like to be a doctor. Maybe obstetrics or internal medicine. That's just not feasible though, is it?"
Of course, being that not one of his six children decided to follow in his footsteps, grandpa was very excited and supportive. At the time, she thought he was letting his desire to see one heir in the throne affect his reason but he told her seriously. "I got told I couldn't do a great number of things due to being a blond, blue eyed man, Jilli. You are capable of whatever it is you desire and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, especially when it's attainable."
So, at the next dinner, she announced she was going to be a doctor. Everyone was shocked and then-teenage Carrie had scoffed. Of course everyone was supportive but a degree in medicine was no joke. She had considered bailing a number of times in the seven years she was in school. She would have if she didn't actually love it.
But failing the Bechdel Test, ay? Rolling her eyes around, she drawled, "Well…"
"I mean, don't get me wrong, you're crazy busy nowadays but you always had one guy swooning over you, at least."
Swooning? Jilliana had zero time for 'swooning'. Swooning was superfluous and working fifteen hours shifts in the ER made superfluities entirely undesirable. What she did have time for due to being a offshoot Yagami? Drama.
It was her perhaps third year of med school when she was going to class. It was all too often but she was recognized as Yagami Yamada's granddaughter. It hadn't helped that occasionally her grandpa would come and teach a course every other semester. Not that she felt anything ridiculous like shame or embarrassment. No, far from it, he'd beam that he was proud of her and she'd be just so excited. Sometimes her bubbliness caused issues.
This was the case in one particular teacher's class for neurology, her grandpa's first field of choice. No, the professor didn't treat her badly. Rather, he treated her too well because of who her relatives were. Other students did not like this and started gossiping that she wasn't attaining the grades she was recognized for but was simply floating by on her grandpa's credentials. It simply…it simply wasn't the case. She couldn't fake being a good doctor. And that's what she wanted to be: a good doctor.
So, perhaps foolishly and answering their heckles, she tried her hardest to answer all questions that were asked of them. She knew things! She wasn't riding on someone else's coattails if she knew things!
Naturally that caused issues though. 'She's a know-it-all' or 'of course she knows that, look who her grandfather is'. It was infuriating so she stopped. She had nothing to prove. Oh, now she stopped answering questions. 'Oh, she's good for this class, huh?' or 'this must be so below her, after all'. There was literally no winning and she had felt her first real bit of doubt since entering school. Would…would this be how they treated her if she became a doctor? All due to a legacy?
"I think I've heard enough. You're all ridiculous."
She'd not noticed him whatsoever. He was behind her and her trashtalkers and apparently would always arrive at the last minute. Jilliana had looked back, startled. Whomever he was, he was tall and he had silky black hair that almost reached his shoulders, bangs cut across his brow. His eyes were closed as if her were exhausted…
"What was that, Hattori?" spat one of her naysayers.
Hattori? "I've heard enough, Takuma. I've literally sat through almost all of this semester and heard the garbage you guys say. If she's not cheating, she's trying to answer to show she studies unlike the rest of you but then she's apparently capable of panhandling knowledge from her grandpa—which, even if that is the case, she retained it and is properly applying it to this class which is not illegal—or, now, she's too 'good' to answer the questions because you're jealous. Just shut up and mind your business sometimes."
"We can say the same about you, Hattori!"
"I can mind my business as long as idiocy doesn't keep occurring in front of me. We're in med school. No one's getting a free pass here so tone it down."
Hattori Azuma. She approached him after class to thank him for speaking up. He just shrugged and told her it was nothing before wandering off. From that moment she knew something was wrong. Even though he just stood up for her? He hated her too.
Normally that'd be her nail in the coffin with people. She had no time for being hated or being bothered by it. Yes, it bothered her in class but that was due to her peers doubting her. She wanted to at least feel others knew she was here for the right reasons. Yes, it wasn't her battle to prove that to everyone but when she was at a hospital with them? When she was in possible surgeries? That was different. People like the ones in high school that just hated her because she guessed she was pretty to some people? Not her problem.
Hattori Azuma bothered her. She'd never met him a day of her life.
Jilliana didn't understand. She'd done something she'd never done and found him on social media. He didn't live anywhere near even Hondo so she certainly hadn't gone to school with him or seen him in the city. Common friends? Not even a close one. Work at least? No.
Why? Maybe he didn't mean what he said and was just being sarcastic? But…no. Her classmates had disdain and jealousy. She recognized that. His aura…was actual genuine hatred. It ought to have frightened her. No, she had to know what she'd done to him in apparently a past life.
At the next class, when it dismissed, she called to him on the way out. He paused, at least. "Have I done something to you, Hattori-san?"
"Something to me…?"
"Nn. I-I mean, I-I get this feeling you don't actually like me that much. E-Eh, I mean, not like me since we don't know each other at all but that you've got a grudge against me. Did I do something? I-I think this is our first time meeting."
He'd actually looked a bit surprised. Staring at her for a long moment in silence, he slowly shook his head, "…You're imagining it. I need to be getting to my next class though. Good bye."
'Imagining it', her foot! She wanted answers!
Hattori Azuma started to ignore her when, after class, she'd ask him where he was from and what he was going to specialize to get to know him. Just flat out IGNORED! It was just…frustrating somehow. Alas, some part of her brain actually switched and told her to stop bugging him. He was allowed to his feelings and she had other things to be concerned about like, oh, med school.
Maybe her mind came back to its senses but fate sure didn't. Near the end of the semester, the professor commanded they partner for a project. At the snap of a finger, everyone paired off with not her and not him. They just sat there, dumbfounded, before she quietly asked if it wasn't something they could do on their own. "No. It's a partner project."
So yup, she and the guy that hated her for some unknown reason were forced into a partnership for a grade. Great.
The project was an absolute nightmare of an idea. Take the two specialties they'd decided on or were considering and find a common link. Sitting at the long lab table with Hattori-san, she had given him a look. So she guessed she finally got to hear his specialty. "What's your specialty?"
While she expected he'd be highly annoyed with this, he seemed rather calm and unbothered. He glanced at her and said after a moment, finally, "Pulmonology."
Jilliana had just stared at him blankly. Oh. He blinked slowly, "And you?"
"…Obstetrics."
With that, they both groaned. He grudgingly gave her his email and phone number, stating they could meet in the library to research later if she had the time. She…agreed. That was probably where everything started rolling and where she started to be able to fail the Bechdel test.
"…You know, I studied this but I honestly didn't really absorb it the way I should have."
They met at the library later that night after she messaged what time she was free. It was really a miracle they were free at the same time considering they were on-call for the school hospital. They were searching online when Azuma made that remark, seeming enthralled. "The hormones during pregnancy can affect the respiratory tract. And the estrogen can cause tissue edema."
"Can anything be done about it, I wonder."
"I suppose it takes close monitoring and treating it like other respiratory illnesses
" he'd mused.
She had started writing the paper as he stated off facts and the organs and tissues that might be compromised. It worked as they both added insight from their individual fields. They…worked well together. Why did he hate her though?!
He yawned into the back of his hand before shaking his head, seeming groggy. It had been some hours and it was already nine… "Are you hungry?"
"What?"
"Are you hungry?"
she'd asked, "We can go get a bite to eat."
"…That's probably not a good idea."
Jilliana didn't get his problem. They were doing okay, at least with school work. They didn't really even have to talk when they ate! But…maybe this was just professional. That was fine.
He scrolled for a couple more minutes before he closed his laptop, looking…aggravated. What? "…Fine, let's run out and get something to eat."
Really? She asked that he choose, that she wasn't picky. He made a face but decided on sushi. They went to the sushi place about a few miles from the hospital and ordered a few plates. While they waited, she felt the awkward silence and realized maybe she couldn't not talk when eating with someone. So, she hectically pulled out her laptop so they could start working on the project again to have something to say. Surprisingly, Hattori smirked widely.
"Are you seriously that dedicated?"
"W-Well, I AM dedicated—just, uh, I guess I thought we were just awkwardly sitting here…"
Hattori stared at her for a long few moments before pursing his lips. "…What made you want to be a doctor?"
Oh. Small talk. "Well, I dunno exactly how to explain it. I used to go to school with my grandpa and I-I guess I found it interesting. I didn't really consider it because people expected me to model or dance but when he asked what I was thinking of doing, I guess he kind of reminded me."
"Mm."
"You?"
"…My uncle. He was a doctor and my mom really pressed it in that she wanted me to be the one to follow in his footsteps. Just luckily for her I was actually interested."
She didn't get much out of him about this uncle. Everyone knew her grandpapa so it seemed almost gloating to talk about him. He changed the subject and asked why she chose that specialty. It was…pretty sterile for a while.
However, like most of mankind, when he ordered a couple beers, he loosened up and started speaking a bit more casually. He insisted that if he failed out of medical school he would have liked to be a soccer player. "I used to love playing, y'know? But mother never let me join a club and forced me to focus on my studies. I liked both, y'know?"
When they parted ways, she felt a little perplexed. There was one very…odd remark he made after that that had her a little disturbed. He'd said very bitterly: "But I guess that's your mom's fault."
…What? How? Her mom? When they met at the library the next day to put the finishing touches on the project, she asked casually if he'd ever been to Mineral Town. He told her elusively "No". Elusively? It was a small island, 'no' was a common answer. It wasn't that sort of 'no' though. It sounded like a lie.
Carrie blinked languidly at her and Jilliana smiled miserably. They did stellar on their project and she expected they'd go back to an unexplained one-sided hatred. After the class where they did the presentation, he approached her and asked if she'd like to get ramen.
"He is an absolute enigma and I don't understand how men say we're the complicated ones" Jilliana droned, sipping her tea.
Her younger sister snickered, kissing Hayato's forehead, "Tell me about it. Who is he?"
"Hattori Azuma, one of my classmates and sort of coworkers. We don't really work the same hours…"
Making a face, Carrie looked bewildered, "…Are you sure that's his last name? That's not very common."
Jilliana had thought so too but he told her his father was from a very old family, one of the few last surviving former samurai families. He told her he was mostly raised by his mom after his parents separated. Apparently, the death of his uncle, his mother's brother, made her a very different person and his dad tried but just couldn't handle it. "My dad moved to Honshu and I don't get to see him but in the summer. He's a nice man. I think that's why he struggled with how mean my mom can be."
He was opening up to her a bit now. They'd go to dinner or lunch of breakfast, depended on what normal or ungodly hour they were up and coherent enough to fathom eating. Yesterday he even messaged her to go out and get drinks with him. He was warming up to her!
"I…I know it must be personal but what happened to your uncle?"
"…Nothing."
Except the areas where he was cemented shut and buried in the middle of the ocean. It all seemed to circle around his mother and his uncle. She…she wanted to understand because it sounded complicated. She couldn't handle much complicated when she was nearing the end, when she was about to become Doctor Izumi Jilliana. Except part of her said do it because fact of the matter was she was starting to like him a lot. Like…a lot.
She miserably took out her phone and pulled him up on Facebook. He smiled recently for the first time. It was perfectly adorable and seemed more fitting on his face than that general deadpan expression. He…he seemed to have had a tough life. Showing him to Carrie, her sister smirked. "What!"
"Nothing. I guess I'm just so used to us going for outlier one thousand with guys that when you show me like the perfect Japanese guy I'm just a little…underwhelmed."
Jilliana pouted petulantly as Carrie handed Hayato to her to swipe through the pictures. "Though maybe it was that profile picture. He is actually pretty hot. Dark eyed guys always look like they're up to no good to me and I like that."
"So warped" Jilliana snickered, kissing Hayato sweetly. "Though I don't know if I've seen you date a guy with dark eyes."
"That's because they weren't for dating. We were up to no good" Carrier winked.
Carrie was one in a million. Jilliana smirked widely, rolling her eyes as she took her phone back. "It's been like, half a year since we started talking and I've not said 'hey, so, can we officially date?' or 'is it insane I'm thinking about officially dating when I have a fifteen hour shift coming up' or…"
"Man, that relationship is going to blow" Carrie whistled, "You're both going to have like zero time for each other. I guess that's better than having someone sitting at home, hoping to see you, but sheesh."
Exactly. Grandma and Grandpa were good at it because they were both on the go. They clearly enjoyed each other's company when they were around but that was the thing: when they were around. It wouldn't even be what she considered a relationship if she only saw or spoke to him once a week.
But…she was interested…
"I'll have to see" Jilliana murmured before stretching back, "Did we fail the Bechdel Test enough?"
"I'm always gonna fail it because of my sweet Hayato" cooed Carrie, the baby kicking his feet as he looked at her.
Jilliana smiled and pet her nephew's hair. She…would probably feel better failing such a thing for the same reason. Her luck with men was sketchy. Clearly with her enigma case here…but she'd like to fit 'mom' into her life as well.
Her phone chimed and she looked at the message from Azuma, asking if she was free for dinner later tonight after his shift. Well…one test at a time.
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How did he explain this?
Hattori Azuma wandered toward the little apartment near the medical college, his hands stuffed into the pocket of his slacks. How in the hell did he explain this?
It was a frank fact but Azuma had never met his dead uncle. Never. He was dead before he was born and to him he was just a man he wouldn't get to know. There were pictures of him all over their house though, even shrines and a whole cabinet for him. Azuma definitely would know him if he ever saw his specter, that was for sure. Did he know him though? Not at all. Couldn't. And that's where this spiraled into lunacy.
His mother, Hattori Rinko, had spent her whole life obsessed with the death of her younger brother. Just a year apart, she often spoke of how they were always together up until he decided to go to school for medicine. She decided to become a lawyer instead and she said they grew distant. She was busy defending murderers and thieves, her brother was busy saving people. That's what she'd tell Azuma bitterly as if he was supposed to find some irony to it. He supposed.
Azuma's father truly tried. Azuma was aware enough to see it in every single thing he did. Bringing her flowers, talking to her patiently, lovingly. He would cook dinner and clean the house while mother was crippled with depression and rage. The day the man broke was when she essentially told him he was absolutely worthless and everything he did was useless. While his mother bitterly decried him when he packed his bags and left to start over, Azuma understood his father. Imagine if the man said that to her. She wouldn't have stood for it either.
While Azuma knew he wasn't good enough to play professionally, he really liked soccer. When his dad was there, he was allowed to play in the soccer club and in other recreational facilities. When he left, his mother came full force. 'Focus on your studies and forget all that extracurricular bullshit'. Okay. He studied and longed to be outside like the other kids but he studied. When he was around thirteen, his mother instilled that he would be a doctor. Not 'you should be a doctor' but you will be a doctor. Okay. Luckily he was okay with that.
When he was eighteen and preparing to select schools, a part of him needed to be as far from her as possible. He was obedient and tolerant, he felt, but he needed to be on another island. Away. She was livid when he selected the island of Hondo because it crept him closer to where his uncle died. It was the first time he put his foot down. Take it or shove it.
"The Yagami Family. They're the ones that were responsible, especially Yagami Jill. She's why Tsumaru is dead. Avoid them."
Yea, sure. So he went about his college adventure, free at last except for the intermittent reminder to beware the baddies, the Yagami. His first year of med school, he was taught by Yagami Yamada. He was a kind man but it started right there: Azuma found he loathed and despised them.
That was it though. That was how sexism and racism continued to persist through a modern intelligent society. Somewhere in the beginning someone buried a seed that made no sense. If Azuma hadn't been fed since he was a small child that some man he never even met died due to an entire family, Yagami Yamada would have been about the nicest and most encouraging teacher he'd ever had. Because of his mom? Yagami Yamada had bred Satan incarnate.
Azuma heard through rumors and whispers about 'Izumi Jilliana'. She was Yagami Yamada's granddaughter. Jilliana. So, the daughter of the one directly responsible for his uncle's death. The end all, the reason he was reminded every day that his mother really didn't care anything about him but her dead brother. When he was in his third year and she was in his course, he was senselessly livid. There she was; Satan's spawn. She was about the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his entire life.
Talk about being confused. Azuma had to tell himself to pull it together and get a hold of the years of hatred he'd been fed. She was tall, blonde, lightly tanned, and had blue eyes. Big deal. He wasn't shallow. He sat out of sight of her like she'd have an inkling of who he was. Her mother probably didn't force years of anger into her.
Despite it all, despite his upbringing and all that he was forced to believe, Azuma could not stand one thing and that was idiocy. She answered diligently when questions came up in class because half of their classmates were on their damn phones and not paying attention. They'd backtalk about how she was showing off. Maybe a little but at least someone else was learning, what they were paying to do here. She must have decided she had enough of that though, taking a backseat and not answering as many questions which obviously led to the professor calling people out to answer who had no idea. THAT caused them to start snipping that she was 'too good to answer'. What? Out of all his issues, he couldn't stand nonsense. He called them out on it mostly to shut them up. What he ended up doing was far worse: she finally noticed him.
His skin crawled when she approached him after class to thank him. He told her not to worry about it and even to his own ears it sounded callous. She seemed to know right off the bat he was bred to hate her. The next class she asked if she'd done something to him. Made his life hell vicariously, somehow. He told her she was imagining it because, in a sense, he was too. She kind of made him dizzy.
Izumi Jilliana approached him a number of times to probably figure why he had a chip on his shoulder despite them never having met a day in either of their lives. Sort of like how he had never met Ishikawa Tsumaru a day of his life. He ignored her and eventually she seemed to get that he was born to be a nonsensical asshole and left him alone. Honestly? He was kind of liking the attention for a moment there.
Azuma was set to not see her ever again except when they were doing murder shifts at the hospital and were so tired they wouldn't recognize their own parents but fate had other plans: a partnership.
He was specializing in Pulmonology and she was in Obstetrics. They were supposed to figure out also how to partner those two and both of them thought they had literally nothing to do with one another. Maybe ironic. She was about the third girl in his life that he'd given his number to. He managed to have two girlfriends back home before his mother shamed them out of interest.
With time and research in the library, he found that their specialties did actually coincide with one another pretty commonly. Maybe ironic. Not quite as ironic as the fact that they worked together pretty well. By about nine, she noticed him dragging and asked if he was hungry and if they should go get a bite to eat. Dinner with the seed of his forced nemesis. "…That's probably not a good idea."
Except fine, he was starving. There was literally no reason for him to sit here looking stupid with his stomach growling and refusing a good idea except he would be going to dinner with her. Defying his mother's direct orders at that. He remembered staring at his laptop a moment longer and a popup for all the food in the universe appeared. Damn it. "…Fine, let's run out and get something to eat."
She made him choose so he went with sushi. Something quick and easy. Except when they were sitting there, waiting, after ordering some plates, it…was awkward. What does one say to someone you're supposed to hate?
Jilliana must've decided enough was enough and took out her laptop to apparently start working on their project again. No way, he was through with that until he had food in his belly so he casually teased her dedication. She told him sincerely it was awkward, as he expected. Fine. "…What made you want to be a doctor?"
"Well, I dunno exactly how to explain it. I used to go to school with my grandpa and I-I guess I found it interesting. I didn't really consider it because people expected me to model or dance but when he asked what I was thinking of doing, I guess he kind of reminded me."
So his total opposite. She was expected to do one thing and went entirely left by choosing to be a doctor. His eyes had narrowed when she asked why he chose to be one. He didn't. Your family decided that for him. "…My uncle. He was a doctor and my mom really pressed it in that she wanted me to be the one to follow in his footsteps. Just luckily for her I was actually interested."
Oh, naturally she wanted to know more about his uncle. Azuma doubted her mother even mentioned him to her. She probably properly buried him, probably even healthily received and recalled him as a memory, but his mother fed Azuma his memory like an errant, embittered spirit that had to live through him. He wasn't going to talk to her about that. Instead, he ordered a beer. It was a little stronger than he thought, finding himself a bit tipsy after about two or three. He couldn't remember everything but that he might have told her it was her mom's fault he wasn't playing soccer right now. Yea, he needed to keep his distance.
Except…he started to feel conflicted. When he got to his apartment that night, he lied in bed in the dark for hours, staring at the ceiling. There was a cloying feeling of discomfort saying he was wrong for this, that he was consorting with the enemy. Why…was she his enemy? What had she directly done to him that would make it so he should feel ill talking to her? What was his hatred even based on? Years of misinterpreted anger that had even chased his dad away from his mom?
How in the hell did he explain to his mother that he asked her out to dinner all the time?
Dinner, lunch, sometimes breakfast—sometimes finding the strongest, blackest coffee available and trying to catch two minutes of sleep on a bench together. It…
It's a crime you let it happen to me; Never mind, I'll let it happen to you. Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose…but my mind and all the things I wanted. Every time, I get it, throw it away. It's a sign, I get it; I wanna stay. By the time I lose it, I'm not afraid. I'm alive but I can surely fake it. How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me? You're the part of me that I don't wanna see…
Azuma pursed his lips as he shuffled up the stairs of her apartment. There was nothing right about this but that was only because it being wrong was buried in his self-consciousness. Except, he let her close enough that he silently trembled every time a guy asked out or looked hungrily in her direction. He let her close enough that now he'd pull her a little closer to him when they went anywhere so he could say that his family hated her but please, don't take interest in someone I should hate too.
All sense, all propriety, all that he knew said he needed to push her away. If not because he was like some illogical negative force against a woman that, like him, wasn't even born for this cataclysmic event that rattled his entire existence, just common decency.
Just fade away. Please let me stay caught in your way…
"Hi, Azu!"
He smiled weakly when Jilliana answered her door, taking his headphones out of his ears. You're the part of me that I don't wanna see… "Hey…you sure you want to go to this party? I don't think med students know how to have a good time. Everyone will probably be asleep."
She laughed that sort of charming laugh he thought only existed in literature. He didn't know if laughter should be 'charming' but it sounded right for her. "Who knows? We can bail if it's bad, right?"
Yea. Bailing on bad things was probably a mantra he needed to take to heart but in reality, he really did not want to. It'd been a year and she was probably everything missing from his life. Affectionate, warm, comforting, encouraging. He tried to scold himself that that was placing her as a mother figure, that it wasn't actual feelings. Just he knew who his mother was and he knew those were things she wasn't. No, with Jilliana, the lacking wasn't being misplaced. It…was just her. She wasn't his mother.
She invited him in, still wearing her fluffy pink robe. Her hair was already done so she was probably just waiting to put on her clothes. Taking a seat, he gazed around at the pictures she had of her family. Enemy Number One, he thought for the 90th time as this was probably the hundredth time he'd been here, when he looked at the picture of her mother with another blond man. Her dad. Apparently he was a friend of his uncles so he also was villainized. They looked happy. Must've been nice.
"My Yato-chan was over" Jilliana announced, probably in the bathroom, "He's gotten so big! It's so overwhelming."
He wondered what it would have been like to have siblings. They'd probably be as screwed up as him and probably have snitched to mom that sometimes he slept over with the daughter of the devil. Not like that though he found lately he certainly wouldn't mind that. With her. That…that bothered him in that insignificantly disgusting level of himself that allowed his mother's vitriol to continue to live. Because honestly? There was nothing even remotely wrong with Jilliana. Had his life been normal, he'd still be in this predicament because he genuinely liked her. Yes, they had been brought together by this dark thread but it…
"Allrighty, I'm ready."
Azuma looked up absently, nauseous, before his eyes widened. The ends of Jilliana's long blond hair was curled, framing her nearly bare shoulders as she was wearing a black spaghetti strapped dress that stopped pretty damn short on her legs. Once she put on those black heels, it was done. No one would not be hitting on her.
He swallowed, standing as she grabbed her keys and a black clutch, walking effortlessly beside him. He silently thanked God that he was almost six feet tall because she'd swamp him otherwise. Azuma sucked his cheek opposite her before clearing his throat, "You look great."
"Thanks!"
"Uh…I think Kubo will be there." Kubo flirted with her like a maniac and she never seemed uncomfortable with him. It was only because Azuma overheard him in the rest area of the hospital say that blondes were 'freaky in bed' that he didn't approve. That and Azuma wanted her for himself but he was just in the way.
"Hopefully it's a good crowd and not too many of the jerks."
Yea. It wasn't a long walk to the rooftop bar where the graduation party was taking place. Some of her girlfriends waved at her, with their boyfriends or love interests, as they climbed into the elevator to take them to the top. He smiled some as she leaned close to him in the small packed place. She smelled like scandal. That probably wasn't a smell but it was to his thoughts.
Azuma remembered his few friends back home would invite him to parties like this and he was forced to turn them down. Had to study, after all. It now made him distinctly uncomfortable. He smirked grimly when he looked down to see Jilliana's expression but momentarily got distracted by her breasts. Yea, he probably would spend his life distinctly uncomfortable.
By some grace, it looked like everyone was pretty involved with someone. The guys were too, thankfully. Azuma was relieved as they sat amongst a group he was at least semi-comfortable with. So it wasn't too bad. Yet. Maybe a drink would help. "Hey, I'm gonna get a drink. You want something?"
Jilliana nodded, reaching for her purse, "A Cosmo would be good."
He waved away her money, figuring she'd added life to his misery so a drink was a pretty small reward. Standing in the absurd line for maybe twenty minutes, he got her two Cosmos and a bottle of bourbon so he wouldn't have to make another trip. By the time he made it back, she was all alone. She smiled at him, raising a brow, "You trying to get me drunk?"
"I've seen you down two Cosmopolitans, you're okay" he joked.
She thanked him, taking the glasses as he sat down beside her, pouring himself a drink. "What happened to your friends?"
"Went to get drinks too" she replied, sipping out of her martini glass.
So they were alone for a little while, huh? He gazed at her in the twilight, the air nice and warm in the late Spring. Soon, she'd be posted somewhere and he'd be posted somewhere. He'd probably be back home and she'd probably be in Mineral. Things would go entirely back to normal and his year of sin was done. He swallowed as, after her first drink, she rested her head on his shoulder. It felt dim.
"Are you looking forward to going home, Azu?"
Even hearing the words 'looking forward' sounded heinous. He made a face and shook his head. "No. I hope they post me to Honshu near my dad, honestly."
He broke down and called his dad here recently. It had been around three years since he talked to the man and he thought it was on purpose on his dad's part. Come to find out, it slipped his mind that he changed numbers when his new carrier was unable to transfer his old one and his mother refused to both tell his dad the new number and where he was. Yea, that's why he was not going to be happy if he was sent home.
Azuma apologized profusely, explaining and trying to excuse why he didn't call him in that long. His dad actually laughed some and said he figured Azuma was in medical school and probably was trying to hold his life together. He understood. Life would have been better if he could have gone with his old man.
Hattori Hisoka asked if he had a girlfriend. Azuma admitted he had a love interest and that she was the daughter of his mother's mortal enemy. His dad had again laughed but very nervously, telling him that was a good joke. Yea. Yea, it was all a joke. While half tempted to go along with that thought process, just to hear what the man had to say, Azuma told him he was serious.
"Azuma, you know I want you to be happy, son. But that is literally going to make your mother go ballistic and postal and both of your lives would be nothing but Hell."
His life was already Hell. His mother called to demand what average he finished with because it had to be the same as or exceeding his Uncle. As far as Azuma was concerned, he didn't actually exist in the sight of the woman that bore him.
"Azu?"
He blinked rapidly, finding Jilliana was staring at him. "Are you okay?"
"Mm. Sorry, got distracted for a moment. Are you going back to Mineral?"
"I hope so. I wouldn't mind being posted up in Hondo, really, but there's just something calming about being at home directly with my family" she murmured.
Staring at the bright stars above them, Azuma found himself smiling though he didn't feel it a bit. "I guess we're going to end up far away from each other, huh?"
Jilliana closed her eyes and fell silent. "…Maybe."
Definitely. She stretched, curling into his side again, and murmured they'd worry about that later. Well, they truly graduated in two days, it might be coming up pretty quick. She took a bit of his bourbon and gazed at him. "Azu, we've been hanging out over a year now and you still feel like a stranger sometimes. Just the stranger I know and have sleepovers with."
Yea. He gulped down another swallow of bourbon and swirled the glass, thinking. He wasn't comfortable to tell her more about him because…because his entire life had centered around being his Uncle. The soccer was him, that was about it. He'd already told her that though. He told her about his dad, that wasn't about his uncle
There…were very few bits of his own life that were about him. She was here for the very few accomplishments Hattori Azuma made. However, even those accomplishments were due to Ishikawa Tsumaru's ghost haunting him. He…he had to weigh the fact that it wasn't appropriate to be with her because she…she had added something to his life. As in, added the only thing in his life he'd ever made a choice about.
He stroked her leg, wondering if he could possibly be someone for her. Someone that could grow interests and hobbies and who could tell her what his favorite movie was that wasn't based on surgical techniques. He could tell her about fictional literature. Music. He was finding music because she told him her brother was trying to start a band. She…was good for him.
But…was he good for her?
"Jilliana…" he murmured, leaning in to kiss her cheek, "…Can I tell you my deep dark secrets tomorrow and you can decide how to answer to them?"
She looked confused and slowly shook her head. "…Sure."
Azuma felt shy. Or inexperienced. Or something, but he wanted to. He wanted to and…and maybe she wanted to too. He leaned forward and kissed her lips this time. She kissed back and ran her hands up his back. Somewhere in the back of his mind his mother was disowning him.
It was his idea that they ditch an okay party and head back to her apartment. He was afraid by the idea his mother might show up early for graduation and see them. He could make an excuse for not being there but not one for her being there. Even…if it was his choice and…
Jilliana moaned, unbuttoning his shirt as he leaned her against the wall, nipping her neck and lifting her dress. He'd…he'd snuck sex. It was a little awkward but he got the experience. It was just that: experience. Even his partner at the time had a goal for the interaction and that was getting better for another guy she had her sights on. Just…sterile. Always studies.
He rasped as she went down on him, sucking, running her tongue up and down his shaft. He wondered if she'd met some terrible guy that used her and ditched her because she wasn't some stereotype. It would have had to have been their mistake because Jilliana…
Condoms. Funny enough, neither of them were concerned. Jilliana cited being on a contraceptive but that wasn't foolproof. He didn't deserve to be a father when he was a clone. Just she assured she wasn't worried about it, whatever that meant, and he'd never felt anything more perfect in his life.
She bit her lip, clenching his shoulders as he rolled his hips inside of her. Something was strangling him while he felt this pleasure. It was choking and he knew it was foolishness. That's all…his life had always been.
Somehow, he could tell she wasn't satisfied when he came. He wasn't used to it, at least with someone he had a thing for. He…he wasn't leaving her that way though. She deserved more.
"A-Ah, Azuma, wait-" she whined as he slipped between her legs.
Just play with the clitoris, idiot. Easy as that. He remembered having a brief section in a class on sexual education and how it was like Level 10 Brain Surgery to some of the guys there. He didn't…think he'd be using the knowledge on his supposed archenemy but…
She actually quivered, her body pulsing as she whimpered and came. It was…very exciting.
It was pent up frustration and defiance that kept him going for about another hour. Jilliana being his partner in the crime just made it beautiful. She was done around one though, falling fast asleep. She curled into his side like she had at the bar. Gazing down at her, he kissed her forehead and knew in about another two hours he would have to go.
He didn't deserve her yet.
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Damn it.
Izumi Jilliana threw a cardboard box on the floor hard as she dropped textbook after textbook into it. She glared around, trying to focus on the last pieces she needed to pack. Just figured.
Just figured! She should have known. She got played like a fiddle as usual. Azuma was secretive and he had shown NO interest in her for months. Something must have clicked in his head during that damn project. 'Oh, she's easy! I can land her quick!'. He played the game well and he finally saw the opportunity to attack. And she let him right in. Nope, not even a bit of hesitation. Kissed her and she practically led him here.
He was gone when she woke up. No trace of him. No note, no text, no message. She even called him when her own self-degradation started to kick in and it went straight to voicemail. He played her.
Trembling, she stared up at the ceiling to fight tears before swallowing hard. Sure know how to pick them, Jilliana. This one worked at it for a little over a year. No guy had that sort of patience but apparently there was always one. Breathing out, she ran her hands down her face. She…she liked him. She thought…she thought.
Screw him. He could keep his secrets and his enigmas and whatever the hell else his problem was. It was probably all a ruse anyway. He probably had two parents that were perfectly happy together and he came from a nice home and could get away with murder if he wanted. She…she made a mistake being interested. She made a mistake…even thinking.
Pursing her lips when there was a knock at the door, she stood and wandered over. She expected Carrie and Takeru were coming to help her move things but they said it'd take a little while to borrow their Uncle Nelly's truck. Opening the door, her heart instantly froze.
"What the hell do you want?"
Hattori Azuma groaned like he'd been left like a one-night stand, the ass! "Jilliana, I promise you, I did not leave you like a one night stand."
"Oh really? What do you call when a guy leaves, doesn't leave a note, a text, or has you blocked on his phone?!" she yelled, balling her fists.
Azuma looked exasperated, "Jilli. I'm not leaving you a note, that seems even worse. And I didn't charge my phone last night, it died and I didn't go straight home after I left here. I promise you, I…I wouldn't do that to you. I'm standing right here, right?"
"Maybe you just feel bad" she hissed.
"I feel bad that I made you feel this way, Jilliana, but I know enough guys that don't revisit 'one night stands' that they were spending time with like it was more" Azuma said seriously.
…Very convenient. Jilliana wasn't convinced yet. "Where were you then? What was the rush?"
"…I told you last night I was going to tell you my deep dark secrets, right?" he murmured, "I…I had to make sure I had the location right, I've never been. I confirmed it though."
What? He looked at her deeply, his dark eyes…rather sincere. "Can you come with me to Mineral Town?"
Eh? While she was still disillusioned and hurt, hearing her hometown caught her entirely off guard. What? "…Mineral Town? Why?"
"That's where this started."
…But he just said he'd never been to Mineral Town. How could his 'deep dark secret' start somewhere he'd never been? He looked at her pleadingly and she…reluctantly conceded. He was dangerous. He…he had too much power over her.
They quietly walked to the Hondo Ferry Station. Somewhat a testament to what he said, he seemed puzzled when she scanned her boarding pass she paid for annually. Well, maybe. It wasn't like he probably needed a boarding pass even if he'd been here before.
He stared curiously out at the islands, alas, asking what was out there. "Smaller farming islands" she answered. Mineral was the largest of them, basically large enough to support around a hundred thousand people. Jilliana raised a brow. While…she felt she might be the deceivable type, it was as if Azuma was looking at this through completely fresh eyes. How did his 'deep dark secrets' start here?
When they arrived, he was even a little shaky getting off the ship. She advised there was talk of a bullet train per the citizens wanting quicker transportation. Azuma frowned a bit, "…The ship was a little different though. Kind of like an experience."
Having taken it her entire life, Jilliana wasn't sure about that initially. Of course, for someone that had never been on one…he cleared his throat as people walked by, glancing at them. "…Where's the graveyard?"
Oh God.
It was right up Carrie and Takeru's alley to be enthralled with a graveyard. They wanted to know people's names and when they died. Aside from the potential aspect of ghosts, of course. She remembered having to supervise them as children but hating every moment of it. As no one really died, she hadn't been back in over a decade now. Almost wanting to say, 'hey, I believe you now' and dismissing all her feelings from earlier instead, she noted he seemed pretty…desperate. Fine.
It was in the old district so they'd end up passing her childhood home, a revamped vineyard that her parents inherited from a lady named Manna that went to live with her daughter. She awkwardly pointed it out to Azuma and he paused as if surprised. "Oh. That's…that's right in the middle of town?"
"A little bit" she agreed.
They continued walking toward the church where the old graveyard was and, like he did for her house, Azuma just stopped. She looked back at him, confused, as he stared at the building a few paces and establishments apart from the church. "Azu?"
"…What is this?"
"The clinic. My Aunt Elli used to work there full-time but they needed a nurse at the Mineral Hospital so she transitioned over. Now it's just sort of urgent care for quick things like colds and a rash" she explained, confused it interested him out of everything they had passed.
He slowly looked at her, a sort of…bewilderment in his eyes. What…? "…I guess your family is very entrenched in this town, huh?"
"I wouldn't say that's wrong" she admitted.
"Hmm."
What? He started walking again and now she was entirely more curious than anything. He was acting like he mildly knew Mineral but this was his first time here. What was it? She took a deep breath as they entered through the fence toward the rows and rows of gravestones. Azuma took a hard breath and slowly started walking each line, reading each grave. Just like her brother and sister! But then, maybe…maybe he didn't know what he was looking for.
She followed him, taking a moment to bow and say a soft prayer to Ellen, Aunt Elli's grandmother. She was the only one Jilliana knew was buried here in some respects. Well, there was one other. That was—
"Here."
Jilliana looked up, startled, when Tsumaru apparently found his target. Her eyes widened, a little alarmed as it was her 'other'. Ishikawa Tsumaru. What…? Azuma stared in silence at the grave as if he expected it to do something before turning to look at her solemnly. "This is the uncle. Ishikawa Tsumaru. He's the reason my life is the way it is."
"…Oh my God" she rasped.
"My mother—their parents were busy people. She was mostly responsible for him even though he was only a year younger. When she went off to become a lawyer and he was here at the clinic as a doctor, she said they grew apart. I…I guess you…you may know the history?"
Biting her lip, she rubbed her arm as this…entered into something distinctly uncomfortable she couldn't have ever fathomed in a million years. Azuma was calm. "I'd….rather hear the other side. I've heard a conflicted view my whole life."
"…Um, my-my mom. She had broken up with my dad and-and she started dating your uncle. She…she started noticing personal items of hers were missing and she'd-she'd always noticed it felt like someone was following her. It-it turns out that my-my Aunt Popuri's brother was stalking her. He-he forced her somewhere one day and-and I guess he was going to assault her after he killed her. My…my papa was able to stop him from shooting her but he-he recovered. Your uncle was there too and…and, when Rick—the stalker—aimed toward my mom and dad, your uncle…intercepted and was killed."
Azuma frowned softly before looking back at the grave. "…See, that version sounds more like the uncle my mom described. Not her…twisted tale of events where he was just weakly thrown into a crossfire he had no choice to be in. He…saved people until the end."
Jilliana's eyes widened as he crooked his neck. "My mother raised me to hate your family, Jilli. The Yagami, the Izumi—that's why I was so callous to you when we first met. I was…bred to hate you for something you had no part in. But like when I spoke up to those idiots in class, I despise nonsense and that's what that nurturing was: nonsense. And, if that is the story, it's all nonsense. Your parents could have been the victims and we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't think my uncle was the type of person that would have stood for that either."
"I-I suppose. I-I of course wasn't there."
"Neither was I, Jilli. I've never even met this man" he gestured, his lips pursed tightly. "My mother would probably kill me herself but I despise him. I despise him because she has made everything in my life about resurrecting him. She pushed my dad away because of him, she made me study my life away for him, she made me become a doctor for him—there's nothing of me in my life."
Rapidly shaking her head, Jilliana rushed to him, "That's not true, Azu-"
"Jilliana, until this year? Until you told me about your baby brother wanting to become a musician, I don't think I listened to but maybe three minutes of music in my life. Yes, it's all around us but I never listened because it didn't pertain to me becoming Ishikawa Tsumaru's vicarious clone. I had soccer. Great. Taken away before the age of ten and my life ever since has been excelling in class and sneaking to try to have a life, try to have friends she made he give up and girlfriend's she needled away. I have lived my entire life trying to be someone else and being taught to hate someone that when I meet I get a thing for."
"Azu…"
"But—it's fair to say that this is a man I would respect for his sacrifice. If my mother had internalized that into something healthy, I'd be proud this was my uncle. She made it something else entirely and here I am, 29 and a facsimile."
Jilliana could only stare as he clapped his hands, seeming resolute all of a sudden. "That is why, Jilliana, I want to ask something of you."
"Y-Yes…?"
"I was worried—mostly because, when I first met you, I immediately thought you were gorgeous and my mortal enemy. Then I was worried when I started trying to force that away that you would think, if I told you this, I was trying to scheme against you. I'm not. I want no part of that. But I want…want to ask that…that when we're probably pulled apart, that, in the future, you'll consider me."
"Consider you?" she echoed.
"Consider me. Consider me when I come back to you with interests and hobbies and a personality—little things a human being should have had by now. And I'm a little nihilistic I'll never have them because it doesn't really matter anyway. But it does. And then, maybe, I'll feel that even if I'm not worthy of you, I didn't try to fit myself into your life as a shell of a person."
This was too much. Jilliana was shaking as she grasped his hands, "…Azuma, I don't know completely and exactly where you're coming from with this but you have never been a shell of a person. You may feel this way because of how you were raised but you are sweet and witty and you make me laugh—you have qualities that make you Azuma, not Tsumaru. I-I don't want you to feel like you need to go out and repaint yourself to make it feel like you need to squeeze into my life. I didn't let a 'copy' in, I know that much."
"…I don't know, Jilliana" he whispered weakly.
She smiled. She got it. He didn't know how to frame it because his whole life it felt like every move he made was at the behest of his mother. He felt like he had to make all of his actions about doing something for someone else. Kissing his forehead, she murmured, "Do this for yourself. As long as that's it, you will always have a place in my heart."
"Seems selfish…"
She shrugged, "It's a thin line but I think you'll know how to walk it."
"Well, at least someone has faith in me" he groaned.
Of course…but… "Azu, your…mother wouldn't approve of us."
"My mother's had to approve my whole life for me, Jilli. I…I don't want to lose what's good in my life because of her misconceptions, her hurt. I don't want to look back and think I didn't pursue a relationship because she made you out as something you're not. I'm…I'm doing too much looking back as is."
…Yes. But…
He took her hand, looking around. "…Show me some more of Mineral Town. Should I pass my own test, I might be looking to move in eventually."
"Okay" she smiled some.
Izumi Jill waited until she was twelve and Carrie was ten to tell them about Ishikawa Tsumaru. She told the story through tears and sobbing. It had affected her mom too. Just…not to that degree. And now? Now…she had met a part of the reason the woman told them at all.
"I've…I've gotten death threats from his sister, I think. She doesn't ever say her name on the calls or in the letters but she…she hates me, sweeties. And I don't…I don't want anything to happen to any of you so that's why I'm telling you. People hate us and I…I wish it weren't that way, that they understood I never wanted Tsumaru to get hurt. Never. Just…please, be wary."
Jilliana didn't know what to do with that information as a twelve-year-old and Carrie certainly hadn't paid it any mind. Now? Now, she was in a sort of relationship with the son of the sister that had apparently threatened to kill her mother.
And he knew. He should have told her. Except she did understand why he didn't tell her because this most likely would have ended a lot sooner and that…wasn't fair? Like, she didn't even think Azuma thought of himself this way, that he was just supposed to be his lost uncle and that he had no genuine personality or interests. He did, he just didn't see it because he could only see it from the perspective his mother forced upon him. Azuma would see events like paint nights and Bollywood dancing and want to go to them when she would have never even considered it. Hell, he opened her horizons! To think he was internally believing he wasn't…good enough?
Jilliana cringed a bit on the inside. She probably would have crushed him if she shunned him knowing. And shunned him for his mother. It was just like he was saying, that was nonsense. Yes, he was treating her a little sketchily in the beginning but he opened up to her and became someone she liked spending time with. She would have had to dismiss a good person because his mother wanted her parents dead…
Which…still caused a bit of a twang of terror. What…what if this was a plot and he just knew how to play her?
When they finished her brief tour, getting a text from Carrie they were going to come help with her stuff, Azuma looked…so relieved. "I'm glad I told someone this, Jilliana. I'm…I'm sorry it had to be to your discomfort but you can't understand that…that was so much on my chest. I...I think I will feel better about doing things for me now."
Oh. "I'm glad, Azu."
He was all smiles as they got back on the ferry. "I wish I could take you with me on my journey but you have it all together anyway."
She had to laugh at that. "In literally what universe is that, silly?"
No, this…this was very much a test. She…she wasn't sure this was one she should take.
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Chapter Notes:
The Bechdel Test is supposedly where a fiction piece has the criteria of it having two women that speak to each other at some point and it can't be about a man. There is not one of my fanfictions in this giant ass series that passes this test. And I can't see it going any other way, unfortunately.