Title: Severed
Summary: She felt as if she had lost a child. Her heart was in pieces, and her womb ached painfully as she struggled to cope with the reality that her daughter was gone.
Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©
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I had been with Healy when my stomach first began to knot and twist painfully. It almost reminded me of labor pains; abdominal muscles clenching and tightening rhythmically. My hand had moved to my tummy of its own accord, tracing lazy, circular patterns in an attempt to calm the internal quivering. I heard myself grunt painfully as the twisting only worsened. It was like menstrual cramps on steroids.
I excused myself from Healy's office. Something wasn't right. I could just feel it. Call it instinct. As I walked down the hallway, I had hardly paid attention to the senseless chatter. I had grown accustomed to being able to naturally tune the many voices out. It wasn't until Piper said Nicky's name that I came to a sudden halt.
Just the mention of Nicky caused my stomach to flip. I began to grow concerned for her well-being, and immediately I felt an urgency to go and seek her out.
I was just in time to see her being taken away, hands cuffed tightly behind her back. Something came over me and I begged for a minute to talk to her, my tone of voice leaving little room for objection as the CO complied with my request.
I can't even remember what was said. All I wanted was for someone to tell me what was going on. I wanted to hear from her directly about what had happened. Fortunately or unfortunately, all I can hear is her telling me "I love you" before she was lead away out of my sight. Even now the sound of her voice rings loudly in my ears. I couldn't believe those words meant she was gone.
It is as if my world had stopped moving. Just a moment before, I hadn't expected to lose her, but just like that, a fraction of a second later, she was gone.
"God! Please don't do this to me!" I remember saying those words repeatedly. The mother inside of me became blind, deaf and listless. She wanted to crawl out of my body and jump into freezing waters to cool her burning soul.
Caputo had given the orders that her cube was to be cleared out. I didn't appreciate officer Bell's attempt at making small talk. Telling me I could call my "real children". She practically refereed to my Nicky as a "fake". I calmly reminded her that Nicky was MY child. Biology damned! I had mothered and nurtured her since the moment we had met, and though I didn't expect her to understand l, I did expect her to show some compassion as I did my best to grieve the absence of my girl.
I asked to be left alone, and for permission to finish clearing out her things. They agreed so long as I had it done before dinner. I was suffocating; I needed air. I wanted to feel the wind blow, see my plants in the greenhouse and work in my garden. I wanted to do something, anything, just- I needed a distraction. I didn't want to forget Nicky, but I wanted a moment forget that I had ever loved her. It seems cruel, I know, but only a mother who had lost a child would be able to relate to what I needed. I just wanted a moment to myself without feeling like my pain was going to swallow me whole.
I couldn't wrap my head around it still, how she had been caught with drugs. I didn't understand. I had done everything by the book. I'd had endless discussions with her about what to do if she found herself in trouble; I refrained from meddling too much; I gave her space and privacy. I was a good mom. I made sure she took vitamins regularly, read good books. I kept myself positive and supportive towards her recovery and I always encouraged her to talk to me about how she was feeling.
We had a very healthy, uncomplicated relationship. I couldn't think of a reason why she had been caught with drugs. Nobody had an answer as to what went wrong. All they told me was it wasn't my fault, which I knew. I wanted to ask Caputo to double check, to drug test her- just to make sure, but hesitated because I feared it would look like I was in denial.
After sorting through her things the family came by, and I was forced to make a decision about how I wanted to handle her possessions. Having been here long enough, I understood the importance of their need to have something that was hers. They were all very patient and kind-very understanding. However, I was offended by the fact that I was asked to make a decision on how I wanted to severe the tie with my child while she had just been taken from me, and when I hadn't yet accepted that she was gone.
Handing off her things meant they were no longer mine. I would not be able to feel her, see her or touch her. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was the reality and something I had to accept. I walked out of her cube with her brush and her notebook. A piece of my heart had stayed behind and my womb- a place I hadn't carried her- ached indescribably. Even the sight of Gloria with her young girls hurt my chest.
That evening I had retired to bed before anyone else. The dorm looked so bare without her. I scanned the room. Everything was lifeless. My left hand traced the bristles of her brush while my right flipped mindlessly through her journal. I chuckled and rolled my eyes at the ridiculousness that she had scribbled on the pages. And as I reached the last page, where she had my birthday scribbled down along with other seemingly random facts about me I lost it. I cried until there were no tears left.
I didn't want to lie down. I needed air.
I took a short walk that evening. When spotted by administration, they asked how I was holding up. They assured me I would be back to normal in a few days and I would just scoff at them and keep walking.
For several days, I refused to converse with anyone in the family. I even refused to speak with Healy. I had no news for them. I had no courage to talk about it. I was afraid I might go insane. I felt emptiness inside me, as if some part of me had vanished. I feared that everybody I loved would disappear and that I would be unable to do anything about it, just like I wasn't able to do anything when my daughter was taken from me. The feeling of helplessness crippled me.
From the moment Nicky had entered Litchfield, I had been by her side. I had grown very fond of the young woman, very quickly. We just clicked. Our relationship was unique- special. It was no secret that she was my favorite.
We talked all the time, about everything. Day or night, she could have come to me and I would have moved Heaven and Earth to unsure that she got what she needed- that she was taken care of. Who knew caring for her would ultimately become my top priority and my greatest blessing? I loved Nicky. She knew I loved her. I guess that's why this is all so hard to understand. Why didn't she just come to me?