Prompt: Sakura isn't a virgin but Sasuke is.
xxx
Sakura remembered becoming a Special Jounin like it was yesterday.
How could she forget?
It wasn't the first time that she had killed someone, but it was the first time that she did it under the instructions of a mission brief. This wasn't in war, but it was a long-standing means of threat prevention.
It was Sakura's first assassination, as well as her first time having sex. It was a time that she had been keeping for someone else; even if making love to Sasuke was but a fictional possibility.
Sakura was tasked to make the assassination look like an accident, with no traces of foul play. She was told explicitly that there couldn't be any proof of her identity, or that she had done the deed.
It was the luck of the draw that Sakura got a seduction mission. Only, it wasn't just luck that got her there; the Leaf needed her skills in poison knowledge. They wanted to ensure that the threat was neutralised in the most informed way possible. She was one of the most qualified, and it happened to coincide with her exam dates.
Sakura did exactly what she was asked, and when it was over she tried not to think about it. In fact, she tried to forget completely.
It wasn't that simple though, she had dreamed of losing her virginity for a long time. She'd thought about it at length; planned what Sasuke would say, what he wouldn't say, but do. She'd thought of good scenarios and bad scenarios.
She had never thought that she would have sex with someone else; someone that she was required to kill, but didn't want to, because he seemed innocent.
That mission reminded her not to underestimate anyone; she should know from personal experience. Sometimes, what seemed innocent was in fact deadly.
Sakura lost her virginity to a man she didn't know, in a hotel bed, disguised by henge, with the intent to kill him at the height of his pleasure. She thought of Sasuke throughout the entirety of the act; about the fact that he was back in Konoha unaware and still platonically ignoring her; that she loved him and wished for it to be him…
Except, there was this one moment, during intercourse, when Sasuke wasn't in her head - when she forgot that he existed; and when she realised, her world tilted and she felt ashamed.
Sakura remembered looking at her dead target, naked beside her. She remembered the face that he made when he orgasmed, and the brief moment of pleasure that he made her feel. His cold eyes were vivid in her mind, and she could still feel his sweat on her skin if she closed her eyes for long enough. He didn't smell like Sasuke…
Sakura cried big, heavy tears that day, and many nights after. She completed her mission with excellent marks, and she was given her new rank; she reached her goal but Sakura also lost a piece of herself in the process.
Sakura couldn't get back that first time, and she couldn't give it to Sasuke like she wanted to.
They couldn't have that happy memory like she had dreamed of.
Which was why this hurt so much…
It was now six months into their relationship, and Sasuke had been back for a year and a half. Sakura had become Special Jounin six months after his return.
She waited for him to talk to her, but he seemed as distant as always. Sakura wanted to talk to him about the mission. She wanted to turn it down. But in the end she decided to go through with it secretly. All final exams were confidential anyway, and handing out that information was a severe breach.
Her decision was pushed along by the fact that Sasuke hadn't tried to revisit their moment at the gates -the one they had before he took off for an entire year-, and Sakura was feeling restless. She had been putting herself out there and he'd been missing all of the signs.
So, after putting it off, Sakura decided that she needed to focus on her career as a kunoichi. She wanted to prove herself badly; she wasn't just a medic nin; Sakura was great in the field. She wanted to show everyone that she could be a Special Jounin. But most of all she wanted to prove to herself that if Sasuke never noticed her, she'd be just fine.
Then he did notice her…
Ironically enough, it was a couple of weeks after she rose in rank, that he showed her his intentions. Sakura wanted to tell him the truth then, but she didn't want to ruin her chances; she'd been wishing for that moment for a long time.
She rationalised that it was a confidential mission, and put the bad memory to the back of her mind. She told herself that when it got further into the relationship, she'd tell him.
Sakura never imagined that they'd get this far – that Sasuke would be half naked in her bed one moment, and then across the room in the next, glaring at her like she was the worst thing in the world. The moon shone through the balcony doors and the studio apartment was lit with the kitchen lamp.
She looked at him from her place on the bed. She didn't move to put on her clothes, and she stood slowly. They were both in their underwear, and Sakura could feel a fight brewing.
Honestly, she was really sick of fighting with Sasuke.
"Sasuke-kun, don't just stand there." She murmured, looking at him with pleading eyes, and Sasuke just stared. His eyes were hurt obsidian, and his jaw was clenched. It looked like he was stuck inside his own head.
His head turned to the side when he asked her,
"Why?"
Sakura tried to keep his flickering gaze. She was ready to be honest. She had cried too much about this in secret for too long. This would either lose her Sasuke, or she'd be free of her secret and they could move forward.
"It was a mission." Sakura replied, looking down at her hands.
Sasuke's brow creased and his frown deepened. It seemed like he was thinking something through. He didn't walk back to the bed but he faced her then.
"When?" He asked, and Sakura felt her chest tighten. This was the part she was dreading. She couldn't look at him, and Sakura didn't reply straight away.
Sasuke sounded upset when he pressed her, "When, Sakura?"
She could see him gripping the kitchen bench; his fingers were turning white.
Sakura's voice was hopeless when she said in an almost whisper, "When I became Special Jounin."
The expression on Sasuke's face began to change and it looked like something was dawning on him.
"I knew something was different." He said, more to himself than anything. His mind was definitely going into over drive because he stood in silence for a good moment. Sakura watched him, and he watched her.
She wasn't crying. Sakura felt like she was being held over a cliff and she was waiting to be let go.
"You said it was confidential." He stated.
Sakura nodded, "It was. I trust you."
"But you couldn't then!?" He fired back and Sakura flinched.
His words prompted her to move forward, and he stepped backward. Sakura's heart panged and she felt scalded.
Sasuke didn't want her near him.
He was probably disgusted…
As soon as the thought appeared Sakura began to cry. She could now feel the wetness against her cheeks, but she could also feel a fire starting to burn in her stomach.
"Are you really that surprised, Sasuke?" She asked defensively. "You flirt with me before you take off for a year, and then you act like I don't exist. Why would I choose a man who didn't seem to care, over my career? I know what you would choose." Sakura glared, crossing her arms over her chest.
Sasuke was firing up as well, and he shot back at her,
"I wasn't ignoring you. I didn't know what to say!" He growled.
"How about anything? Spending time with Team 7 is not the same as making an effort with me!"
"So you accepted the mission out of spite, fucked someone for revenge?" He lashed out, and Sakura was suddenly able to see why she was so ashamed.
Sasuke was right.
"YES." She yelled back, panting with the force that she spoke. Sakura was shaking and she felt queasy. It wasn't Sasuke's fault that she messed this up. It was all on her.
"Was it necessary?" Sasuke asked levelly, when it looked like she had calmed down some. "Wasn't there another way?"
Sakura could hear the hope in his voice. She knew what he wanted to hear, and now that she thought about it, she couldn't give him what he wanted.
Sakura could have negotiated an alternative; she could have used gen jutsu. She could have poisoned the target before they had sex.
She had no excuse.
Sakura sunk down onto the end of the bed. She rested her elbows on her knees and she covered her face in her hands. When she pushed her hair off her face, she murmured,
"You're right. There was another way. I didn't need to sleep with him."
Sakura's shoulders slumped, as the truth was out, and she couldn't look up at Sasuke. She waited for the rustle of clothing and the slam of a door, but nothing came.
Sasuke's soft voice cut through the silence, and he asked her again,
"Why did you do it Sakura? I thought…I thought you'd wait for me."
A sob ripped through her chest and Sakura was barely able to get the words out,
"I thought I would too…"
xxx
Please be aware guys that this is a prompt request, and since I don't actually believe this would happen, I've had to change some variables. It's like tweak a few circumstances and focus on a different motivation and things become more feasible. Though, for the age that they are in this story (around 21, 22) I don't believe that it's too ooc.
Next part will be Sakura answering 'why' and hopefully some making up. :)