Little Red Riding Tail
There once was a young Queen named Bombalurina who for all purposes of this story shall be called Little Red Riding Tail. She was called little red riding tail not only to give this story a point, but also because she had a long red tail that was the envy of all of the Queens, including Plato.
One day, little red riding tail's mother told her to take a basket of catnip to her sick grandmother, because everyone knows how Jellylorum likes to get stoned.
Little red riding tail whined and whined and whined and even sang the Macavity song, but her mother insisted that she take the basket. So little red riding tail grabbed the picnic basket full of catnip and set off through the woods.
She was walking down a narrow, dark path lined with prickly bushes when she though she saw an unusually fluffy mane sticking out from one of them. When she looked back, the mane was gone. A little further on she saw a highly domed head peeking over a bush, but she shook off the feeling that two different people were following her and continued on.
She was almost to her grandmother's cottage, and one can always tell because of the smell of catnip hanging in the air when two wolves leapt out of the bushes on opposite sides of the trail. One has such a large, fluffy blonde mane and overly Aquanetted hairdo that is could only be the Rum Tum Tugger. The other one was a tall, thin ginger cat whose coat was dusty with neglect. At any rate, little red riding tail screamed bloody murder, whacked Macavity with the picnic basket and continued on.
Suddenly a smaller tom ran up to the Tugger and went around behind him, staring at his butt greedily. Tugger groaned. "PLATO! Go...away!!!!"
Plato started to cry. "Why don't you love me, Tugsy?"
Tugger backhanded him one and screamed loud enough for the whole Wood to hear, "BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY! Now if you don't mind I have to kidnap red riding tail and rape her in the cave! I mean...um...oooooops.....oh shit..."
Red riding tail pretended she didn't hear that and continued on her merry way, and her way was merry because the fumes from the picnic basket were getting overwhelming. So she sat down in a grassy meadow and lifted the little blue checkered cloth that covered the contents of the picnic basket.
Inside was enough catnip for Woodstock 2001, with plenty of doggie bags to take home. Bomba greedily started getting high off the contents of the picnic basket and had hardly made a dent in Grandma Jellylorum's drug supply when Tugger came out of the woods, spraying AquaNet at his hairdo in frustration.
"Damn Plato!!!!!!" Tugger cried as he ran out of AquaNet, which was really just as well because his hair was turning white from it.
Completely stoned and at the other side of the meadow, Red riding tail was having a merry old time trying to catch birds that she didn't see. Seeing the open basket of catnip, Tugger completely forgot the storyline and jumped on it, crating such a cloud of catnip that there was no sober animal for miles around.
At her cottage, Grandma Jellylorum tilted her head and sniffed the air. "MY CATNIP!" she wailed, grabbing her walker and setting off at a shockingly high speed for the little meadow.
Meanwhile, Tugger had finally noticed Red riding tail's little red tail waving so invitingly as she chased the invisible birds, and soon they were rather busy on the other side of the meadow, having a grand old time as Tugger remembered his master plan as the Wolf, minus the cave.
Suddenly, Grandma Jellylorum came in, dragging Macavity, who was probably already dead from the whack he got from Red Riding Tail's picnic basket but is needed alive again for the purposes of this story. "SO!!! thish is tha smelly wee eejit whau dar'd try tae steal mah ca'nip!!!!!! I'll git yeese!, mah prittie and ye'r li'tle dug tae!!!!" she proclaimed in the worse Glasweigan accent ever heard before (thank you, L). And so, she proceeded to wallop him to death with her walker before grabbing her picnic basket and leaving in a huff, busily getting stoned on the way.
She had conveniently not noticed Tugger and Red riding tail's love-fest on the other side of the meadow, which soon moved to the cave as previously planned.
So, the story ended happily all around. Grandma Jellylorum got stoned and indeed did get Macavity and his little dog, too; Tugger and Red Riding Tail ended up having sex in the cave as planned and would probably very soon re-populate the junkyard, much to Tugger's dismay.
But what about Plato?
"PLATO! Get away! AWAY! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY????"
"But TUGSY....."
The sound of AquaNet being sprayed in Plato's eyes was heard far and wide that day....
And they all lived (or didn't live) happily ever after...particularly Jellylorum, Red Riding Tail, and Tugger....