RJ and the Mat
A Wheel of Time Poem
By Kamarile Maradim Nindar
A.k.a. Graendal the Forsake
(evil laughter)
(This was first posted on wheeloftime.org in September of 1999 by me)
The outlook wasn't great for all the RJ fans, indeed;
We'd read all the books five times and there was nothing left to read.
And so when TOR postponed the date, we muttered angrily-
"Old RJ's wasting time again! Get on with PoD!
A furious few put down the books in deep despair. The rest
Clung to the hope that lingers in each fantasy freak's breast.
"Oh, please!" they thought. "Let Robert J. just finish it, that rat!
And we won't care how bad it is, as long as it has Mat."
But first came tacky illustrations in the Randland Guide-
So that's what he was writing! All we wanted was his hide!
Alas, we couldn't, legally, so sadly still we sat-
Still waiting for our PoD and waiting for our Mat!
But then there came the Prologue, to the wonderment of all;
It was long and dull and pointless but we all still had a ball;
But when the fun was over, there was still no PoD,
And no Wheel of Time we read. Alas! Alas! Oh, woe is me!
Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell-
It bounded from the mountaintop and rattled in the dell.
TOR's Legends was a-coming out, and RJ's works were in-
If only he'd write faster, then things wouldn't be so grim….
There was ease in RJ's manner as he sloowly grasped his pen
There was pride in RJ's bearing and on RJ's face a grin.
I'm sure of this, because if he'd more quickly written, that
Our book would come much quicker and our book would have our Mat!
Ten thousand eyes were on the bookstore shelves from nine till noon-
"Oh, please!" begged fans. "Will Mat be in the books anytime soon?"
But RAFO (dreaded ancronym!) was all that we received,
And not a single spoiler from the author was retrieved.
And then the news came flying to the bookstores and the Net-
"The book is out! Whahooee!" on October twentieth.
And millions bought the PoD, but thought it little fun:
"It's much too thin for two years' wait." Cried RJ fans: "Strike one."
From the website, clogged with readers, there came up a muffled roar;
For never had they seen an RJ book so very poor.
"Kill him! Kill the author!" shouted someone on the chat,
And it's likely that we'll kill him if the next book is like that.
But with a fervent loyalty, the RJ fans read more;
Burying inside their little heads eight tomes of Randland lore.
But PoD still had no plot, and what it did have blew:
Though some tried to defend it, cried the RJ fans: "Strike two."
"Fraud!" cried the maddened readers and the echo answered: "Fraud!"
But a crazy act by Rand and then the audience was awed.
We saw him crack up one more time, he lost his grip again:
We knew then, RJ's creatvity was under strain.
The sneer has left the reader's lips, his teeth are clenched in hate-
Will RJ pull this through or will he wreck a series great?
And now he lifts the final page, and now he lets it go:
Was PoD fantastic? Did Book Eight really blow?
**************************DRAMATIC PAUSE********************************
Oh, somewhere deep in Aiel lands the sun is shining bright;
There are Seanchan in Altara and the Fortress of the Light.
And Min calls Rand a woolhead and a sheep-boy and a lout,
But there is no Mat in Book Eight- Robert Jordan has struck out!
A Wheel of Time Poem
By Kamarile Maradim Nindar
A.k.a. Graendal the Forsake
(evil laughter)
(This was first posted on wheeloftime.org in September of 1999 by me)
The outlook wasn't great for all the RJ fans, indeed;
We'd read all the books five times and there was nothing left to read.
And so when TOR postponed the date, we muttered angrily-
"Old RJ's wasting time again! Get on with PoD!
A furious few put down the books in deep despair. The rest
Clung to the hope that lingers in each fantasy freak's breast.
"Oh, please!" they thought. "Let Robert J. just finish it, that rat!
And we won't care how bad it is, as long as it has Mat."
But first came tacky illustrations in the Randland Guide-
So that's what he was writing! All we wanted was his hide!
Alas, we couldn't, legally, so sadly still we sat-
Still waiting for our PoD and waiting for our Mat!
But then there came the Prologue, to the wonderment of all;
It was long and dull and pointless but we all still had a ball;
But when the fun was over, there was still no PoD,
And no Wheel of Time we read. Alas! Alas! Oh, woe is me!
Then from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell-
It bounded from the mountaintop and rattled in the dell.
TOR's Legends was a-coming out, and RJ's works were in-
If only he'd write faster, then things wouldn't be so grim….
There was ease in RJ's manner as he sloowly grasped his pen
There was pride in RJ's bearing and on RJ's face a grin.
I'm sure of this, because if he'd more quickly written, that
Our book would come much quicker and our book would have our Mat!
Ten thousand eyes were on the bookstore shelves from nine till noon-
"Oh, please!" begged fans. "Will Mat be in the books anytime soon?"
But RAFO (dreaded ancronym!) was all that we received,
And not a single spoiler from the author was retrieved.
And then the news came flying to the bookstores and the Net-
"The book is out! Whahooee!" on October twentieth.
And millions bought the PoD, but thought it little fun:
"It's much too thin for two years' wait." Cried RJ fans: "Strike one."
From the website, clogged with readers, there came up a muffled roar;
For never had they seen an RJ book so very poor.
"Kill him! Kill the author!" shouted someone on the chat,
And it's likely that we'll kill him if the next book is like that.
But with a fervent loyalty, the RJ fans read more;
Burying inside their little heads eight tomes of Randland lore.
But PoD still had no plot, and what it did have blew:
Though some tried to defend it, cried the RJ fans: "Strike two."
"Fraud!" cried the maddened readers and the echo answered: "Fraud!"
But a crazy act by Rand and then the audience was awed.
We saw him crack up one more time, he lost his grip again:
We knew then, RJ's creatvity was under strain.
The sneer has left the reader's lips, his teeth are clenched in hate-
Will RJ pull this through or will he wreck a series great?
And now he lifts the final page, and now he lets it go:
Was PoD fantastic? Did Book Eight really blow?
**************************DRAMATIC PAUSE********************************
Oh, somewhere deep in Aiel lands the sun is shining bright;
There are Seanchan in Altara and the Fortress of the Light.
And Min calls Rand a woolhead and a sheep-boy and a lout,
But there is no Mat in Book Eight- Robert Jordan has struck out!
