How do I look?
Hand me that sealant. Jeeves, I need another pimple popped. Dang blueberry stains. Get my hairdresser in here! I need my hair to look nice and shabby. Hmph. Incompetent fools. I need a manicurist. Now! I need some food. And not some of that icky caviar, either. I want some good, old-fashioned pizza! And blueberries, too!
All right, everybody, I'm practicing now.
Hi, my name's Harry Potter- Nah, that's no good.
One more time.
Hey, how's my peeps out there, it's Harry Potter in da house- Nah, that's no good, either. Let's try it again.
Hi, boys and girls, I'm Harry Potter. How are you to- *No way.*
Okay, let's try the original.
Hi, my name's Harry- Make sure you get the pinky good, I was accidentally nibbling it a couple minutes ago.
Hello, my name ees Harry Potter. Excellent- Nope.
Hey! It's Harry Potter, where's my dogzzz at? Let's raise da roof- No. That didn't work the first time, either.
Uhhhhh...
Ahhhhh...
Ohhhhh...
Ooh! I got it!
Hi, jolly ol' chaps, I'm Harry Potter, and isn't it a bloody good day- Nah, let's not do that.
I don't have a way to start my monologue. Man, the fans just don't get off my back about the monologues. They're all, "Bruce Springsteen wrote a monologue," and I'm all, "I can write a better monologue than Bruce Springsteen!" and they're all, "Howard Stern can write a better monologue than you!" and I'm all, "Oh, now, now you're pissing me off!" and it's all, damn! Well, I'm going to show up all those fans and that snotty Bruce Springsteen.
Hi. I'm Harry Potter, here to give you the breaking news on: me. Nah, that doesn't work.
What's that? I'm *on*?!
Uhhhhh...
Live from New York. It's Saturday Night!!!
