It was a warm sunny midmorning day that found Tara Gilmore alone tending to her flowerbeds in front of her adopted home in Hunter Fell. She was planting fall sprouts anticipating a lovely showing in time for the Harvest Celebrations. Harvest time was always the busiest time of the year for her family because the work was tedious but the rewards were usually so abundant that everyone, even the most emotionally challenged members of her staff, found some reason to be jolly. This was so important to the success of their practical Winter hibernation because they always had this time to share their stories from.
She worked busily along the even rows in her decorative wooden planting boxes. They were skillfully decorated with wooden cutouts of fierce dragons, handsome knights and sturdy steeds that lined up along it's front borders in celebration of the long history of the Gilmore families rich heritage. Her concentration though was soon broken by the familiar sound of a fast approaching horse making such a noise as to alert all who were working up and around the homes sturdy front gates.
Tara rose to her feet, brushed back a loose curl from her brow and tried to adjust her straw hat so that she could better see the coat of the distant rider to identify where he came from. Walking closer up the path leading to the gate the rider soon came into view and she waited to see how her guards were planning to address him. Already she could see where this rider was coming to her from.
"Milady, do you recognize this rider? Says he's the King's man is that so? Should I let him pass?" Heathcliff asked looking quite unsure of himself and a little embarrassed.
"Please do and yes, his coat, I recognize it. Excuse me, Ser, if you could just come to the front of the house I will take what you are carrying. You can rest your horse, pick up something to drink and eat if you would like."
"You are Lady Gilmore than? I'm to only give this to the lady and no one else mind you. Strict orders from his majesty himself, milady."
"I am she and I understand. The King gets that way at times. I assure you that I am she. Now what is that you have for me from him?"
"Oh, this package, here, is for you. I uhm …need a signature here. I suppose the King himself will be expecting to recognize it. Must know you from somewhere, seeing how else will he know you signed for it and all."
"I'm sure the King knows my handwriting. We have known each other for many years now. If you weren't so new you would know me too, of course." Tara smiled at him and this made him blush.
"Mama, mama, what did we get! Ooh… I told Elias, that it was one of the King's riders. He said that it wasn't but I said he was sadly mistaken. I of course would know that coat a mile away. You are from the palace are you not!" Rodney asked him enthusiastically barely able to get out a word clearly.
"That I am lad. Squire Chatsworth the name but you can call me Caleb."
"Nice to meet you Caleb. My name is Rodney but no one ever calls me that but my nanny or my parents when they are vexed with me. Everyone calls me Roddy. So, can I take your horse for you there?"
"It is nice to meet you too, uhm Roddy is it? I ….well ….about my horse…"
"Rodney, please, is Elias following after you? Please show Ser Chatsworth to the kitchen so he can get something to eat before he has to head back."
"But mama, I wanted to ride it back. You know how I love black stallions to ride!"
"Yes, love but this man must have been riding for hours now and he has to be very hungry. Is your father still out in the west fields today?"
"Yes, at least he was last time we met. Who knows where he is now? Come along than, Caleb, let us go and please tell me all about your horse."
"Milady? Is this the rider's horse? He's from the palace, eh? Pretty nifty stallion he's riding here. Though I didn't think the king would be sending out riders right before harvest. Is it important news? Should I get the Bann?"
"Hum ..oh no! I haven't even had a chance to open this up much less read any of it. If you would please take his horse to the stable, get it food and water, that will be all for now. Thank you, Elias."
"Very well, milady. I'm to be watching out for Roddy though seeing how he just can't seem to help but get into things and all.."
"Yes, well he wants to learn how to do everything, all at once it seems! I sent him to the kitchen with the rider. Once you have the horse taken care of, you can meet up back with him there. I doubt he will have wandered off before you are finished. That poor rider hasn't a clue what he has gotten himself into. Roddy will ask him a hundred questions before he can finish his meal. Lunch isn't too far from us now so I expect to see my husband very soon. If something hasn't gone awry or any of the animals haven't gone astray that is. It is always something exciting going on this time of the year." She mentioned as she found a spot to put down her package and start to gather up the tools, and make safe the sprouts she still was determined to finish planting this day.
Time lingered on and Tara picked up her package to retreat to her favorite spot. It was a deck Rory had built for her right off of their bedroom. This he told her on their fifth anniversary was the closest he was ever going to get to building her a tree house and hopefully it will suffice her need to escape from her troubles. Of course she was overjoyed. As long as she could stand at the railings of it and look down, far below to see the land beneath it and then far into the valley beyond it, she was pleased enough.
Now, she sat in her favorite chair, trying to concentrate on Alistair's rather poor handwriting. She never could figure out how he spent so much time in the Chantry and not improve on his penmanship? It was a personal letter or else he would have just had one of his scribes write it out while he dictated but considering the subject ? She was relieved that hopefully no one else had read this letter beside herself at the moment. It was already her second time through it. His words were ..well…heartfelt if not somewhat hard for her to believe. Had it really come to this ..conclusion? This request or task so to speak was something she feared might be asked of her but something so far fetched, she always thought of it more as a fairy tale rather than something that would ever be considered in reality. Especially her own reality. Especially now. How could she even discuss all of this with Rory? She had hoped she never would have to but now ...things … aren't that simple.
When she asked Alistair to go through that ritual with Morrigan, she half hoped that he refused her. But when had Alistair ever refused her anything that she asked of him in earnest? She couldn't recall a time. Even Rory stated that he was sure there would be repercussions to asking this of Alistair but that they would face the challenge together. She wondered if this was what he had in mind when he said all of that. How could Rory now, after all of these years they have been married, eight of them, to honor Alistair's request of them? It was being made of her but really they are a couple and honestly they both would have to make this sacrifice. Could she even go through with it? She once had feelings for Alistair but Rory showed up and all of that was pushed to the wayside in favor of his plea for her affections. Rory's part will be tough but what she must be willing to do? To risk? That will be what will matter the most to him.
She sat there taking in the afternoon sun. How wonderful it felt, so warm and comforting. As opposed to those long days and nights in the eerily silent, frozen wastelands of Haven. Rory had so majestically slain the Frost Dragon there. She thought she was impressed when he put an end to Flemeth's treachery but out there, in the freezing cold, after finding the Urn of Sacred Ashes, she didn't believe there was anything that scared him on that day. Not even a fierce fire breathing dragon. She hoped that he can recall that sort of courage for today because if she went through with Alistair's plea, it would take maybe even more courage than even that. He will need all of his trust in what she hoped he truly believed was unshakable, their love for one another.
It was going to be up to her to tell him this news. She already decided where and how she was going to do it. Why did Alistair wait until now to ask this of them? Harvest was gearing up to full swing and soon Winter will be upon them. I suppose if Rory is to go out among the Bannorn, perhaps this is the best time to meet up with the other families of their community? It was ritual to do so any how. She gathered up the pages of her letter and slipped them back safely into it's pouch. Lunch was soon to be upon them so she needed to get changed before going out to greet her husband as he returned in from the fields.
In the kitchen women were working away preparing for the afternoon meal. This was no easy task since there were so many extra people here to help with the preparation for the Fall harvest. It wasn't much of a surprise to see the lady of the house in the kitchen though her request was not a common one for this time of the year.
"Hello Helga, may I speak with you for a moment?" Tara asked politely.
"Of course, milady, what can I do for you?"
"Could you gather together a picnic lunch for the Bann and I to take out with us? I'm afraid we need to have some time alone to talk and it would be best if we went out to do this. I know this is sudden but I only got this message from the King this morning and it isn't something I should let fester until the evening. I hope you understand."
"Aye, milady. I heard word of your message and we took good care of that Caleb fellow for you dear. He was a nice boy. Must have been new? Since none of us recognized him from before."
"Yes, I didn't recognize him either but that doesn't really matter. If you can take care of my request, I will be grateful."
"Sure enough milady. Right on it." She bantered but already Tara was thinking of her next task to accomplish today.
She left the kitchen intent to stop by the nursery to see how her daughter was fairing with her lessons. She barely got to say hello to her before setting out on her busy tasks this morning.
She walked up to the door and stopped to listen to Tabitha try to sound out the letters her nanny was helping her to recognize. Tabby had to work extra hard to try to pronounce her letters clearly but she would keep at it until she felt she had said it back correctly.
"Oh, mama, mama, how long have you been there? I was waiting all day to see you again! She cried out as she pushed back her chair in a rush to reach her mothers' arms to embrace her enthusiastically.
"I am sorry I couldn't come here sooner, love. I got here as fast as I could."
"ooh, well Roddy told me all about the man who rode on the black, shiny horse. Mostly he talked about the horse but he was the King's man right mama? Are we going to a party? I so want to go to a party mummy, really I do!"
"Well, I am sure you do my love but let's just find out what this all important letter is about before we start getting all dressed up shall we?" Her father stated catching them both by surprise.
" Papa! Can we go? Please say we can go to the party! Please!"
"Was it an invitation my love or something more ominous, may I ask?"
"The second one I'm afraid."
"I see, well Tabby, we have many parties coming up in a few weeks and I am sure you will have a new dress for each and every one of them. Back to your lessons now. Listen to Ellie while I speak to your mother about this news from the King."
"Very well, papa but I only want the King to send riders if he is having a party. Nothing else. Please tell him this from now on."
"I shall share this with him the very next time that we speak. Or write. Whichever comes up first." Rory replied still looking at his wife trying to determine what could the letter possibly have said to make her look so concerned. He could just tell something was bothering her and it probably wasn't something good.
"Come along now, Tara, it seems we have much to discuss." He told her and she followed his lead as his hand pushed firmly against her back leading her out of the nursery.
They walked down the long hallway and he started to continue on with their conversation.
"I spoke to Helga and she informed me that we were going on a picnic? Sudden change of plans?"
"Yes, I was hoping to catch you coming in from the fields but I am so behind schedule today."
"Rodney and Elias both, almost simultaneously, told me about the King's rider and his magnificent horse. Mostly about the horse and a package the king sent to you, not to me, that you would not open until after they left you. So very ominous my love. What is going on here? I at least know it has nothing to do with a party. Though I wouldn't expect a special rider for news of that sort unless it was some dignitary who insists the Heroine of Fereldon must make her appearance."
"Rory stop that. You know I hate that title more than you do. It could have very well been Grey Warden business as you rightly know. In some ways, that is precisely what it is but please, there is more to it than that and I think I need some time alone with you before things get really busy around here. You don't mind do you?"
"No, not really. At least I had some time to change. I mean if we get to ride out to the lake, might as well make the most of it. I didn't hear that the children were being included on this little expedition of ours are they?"
"No. I think it is best that we have some time alone, just you and I." She reached over and kissed him quickly. Than smiled back at him to drink in the warmth of his blushing and smiling back at her. She wanted to remember that look, just in case she didn't see it again for a few days coming.
"Ah, wait there. If I am going to be kissed than you must at least do it the right way, like this." He reached down to gather her up for a longer and more passionate kiss.
"Uhm, Rory, that's wonderful, let's pick up our lunch so we can get our horses and ride out before it gets too late."
"Of course, my love. It would work best for me though if you brought up such ideas at the beginning of the day? I can get my foreman to order about our workers but I still have to give him more details before we ride out of here."
"I know, this all just fell into my lap. Go ahead and I will meet you at the stables. I'll get our lunch and meet you out there. How does that sound?"
"Like a plan I will work with. This is all very sudden but since when did I ever enjoy life being so predictable? It never was my fate for very long. Especially after I met up with you."
"Than I am grateful for saving you from what could have been a very dull and boring sort of existence."
"I thank you than milady, for a job well done."
"I will catch up with you, my husband, but you must hurry along as you said." She smiled back at him and winked before disappearing down the great hall heading toward the kitchen.
He continued forward until he reached the large doorway leading out to the fields. Despite her flirty demeanor he knew something was up and it couldn't be too good of news since she was going to all of this trouble to share it with him. Taking him out to the lake meant she didn't want others to listen in on their conversation. Great, if she didn't get news from the King and it was just some idle play. Not great if she was going to tell him some bad news and didn't want him to bring down the house when he objected to whatever fool idea Alistair got into his head this time and expected them to play along with. His pace quickened after Alistair name came to mind. Now he really wanted to know what was up. His manservant told him that his wife went to their room to read the letters and didn't come downstairs for some time afterwards. Which must mean she is feeling ill at ease over something he wrote to her. Over the years, from time to time, Alistair would feel lonely and it was always to Tara that he sent his weepy letters to, seeking her shoulder to cry on. It was beyond Rory's imagination how the man could never seem to find at least one woman to keep him occupied for any length of time other than his own wife? Alistair had finally married but so far, there have been no children. While Rory and Tara had two that they simply adored and cherished.
Her labor with their second child was especially challenging. Poor Tabitha would not turn and it took the effort of Andraste to deliver that poor child. Tara had barely made it through the ordeal with her life and it was his wish that they not have any more. So far he had been successful in that endeavor but he knew he mostly had the taint to thank for that. It had been three, almost four years since Tabitha's birth. She came four years after her brother and Rory knew soon she would no longer be able to bare any more children at all. This being so for her made Alistair's predicament that much more serious. It also put his children closer in line for the throne. Something he himself wished to spare them from. Still he accepted teachers from the palace when it was necessary. Teryn Fergus Cousland, that sounded so strange to him even now, had married their friend, Leliana and they had a daughter only two years younger than Rodney. So far that was all. Bann Teagan had finally himself decided he had to marry least Alistair fit him with a wife of his choosing so his Wedding was due but already has been postponed twice. How can the man get the flu twice in one year? They were beginning to think it was never to take place. Of course he continues to blame it on Alistair's never ending excursions and his demands that the Bann accompany him whenever he must travel. Perhaps, if the King spent some time in the palace than he too might produce an heir and Roland can rest easy that his children will not be called upon to serve the Crown, except for mundane tasks and boring parties. At least Tabitha seemed to look forward to them. Than so did Tara before her father decided she had to grow up and start acting like a teryna-to-be instead of a silly little girl. Tabitha was only three. Roland hoped that she might remain a silly little girl for as long as he could keep her that way. He promised his wife never to complain. Of course how long he can keep to that promise remains to be seen.
Roland saw to his foreman and than made his way toward the barn to address his man there. Things were calming down as the final horses were being settled back into their stalls after their morning walks.
"Ah, milord, what brings you here at this fine hour!" His horse master greeted him cautiously.
"Gather up some groomsmen, the mistress and I are riding out to the lake now for lunch." He ordered.
"Now milord? Or do you mean this evening?"
"Now as in right away. Please have our horses saddled up, my wife will be here soon enough."
"Very well than my Bann, I'll see that it is done."
"Thank you Henry. I am sorry for the urgency. I'm afraid it couldn't be helped."
"Of course, milord. Not to worry." He answered back before turning to yell for his head groomsman to get a move on and saddle up his master's horses.
"Oh, Rory, here I am. Are the horses ready?" She asked him anxiously ready to get going.
"No, of course not. I barely got out here before you did. Come along with me, there was something I wanted you to try and now is a good opportunity for you to do so."
"Oh, if I must but I am rather hungry."
"Great because we have this new cheese the creamery begged me to try and I wanted to get your opinion on what you thought of it?"
"Fine, do we have something to drink with this? " She asked hoping he remembered she preferred to eat and drink at the same time.
"As a matter of fact,…he reached for her basket and pulled out a bottle of wine to skillfully uncork with a wine opener he carried attached to his key chain.
"So very cunning of you to think of this all." She smiled and he looked back at the cheese he was waiting for her to try. She hesitated because the last one was not very good and already her day was not running so smoothly. To have to ride a horse with an upset stomach was not one of her favorite activities.
"Well, what to do you think?"
"I, well, what did you think of it?
"Ah, that doesn't matter. I want your opinion, not clouded by my own."
"It is fine. Smells like something Alistair might crave. Myself, I much prefer softer cheeses but you know this already." She looked over at him for some understanding.
"I know but this isn't too bad. Perhaps better in a sauce? It was the first time I tried it but I am not as picky as you are."
"So you keep reminding me."
"Good enough, here drink this so I can cork it up and we can be on our way out."
"Oh, maybe you might pick up another bottle of wine, if the horses are not ready yet. We might need it. It is getting hotter out here."
"Yes, it is. Very well than, wait right here. Don't drink the whole bottle here without me before I get back."
"Better hurry than." She told him with a laugh and he stared back at her to warn her that he was serious before turning away to retrieve that second bottle. She was such a tease but he loved that quality in her. He smiled with this thought which helped him quicken his pace. He was now anxious to move along with this afternoon tryst.
"Here Henry, share a glass of wine with me. You are welcome to try some of this fine cheese if you dare. Something our friends in the creamery sent over to test us with so it seems.
"Thank you milady. Your horses are ready to ride. I asked that a good blanket be added to yours since you are not exactly wearing your usual riding clothes."
"Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I am sure it will come in handy. It is too hot out to have to wear those clothes. We aren't going out that far anyways. It will be good to just feel the wind rushing past us today."
"Yes, of course. Here, let me get this basket attached for you and I will help you up onto your horse if you wish."
"I ..well, I need to finish my glass of wine first." Tara answered him uneasily. Chez Marie nudged her jealousy so she steadied her jaw and shared her glass with her as well. How it reminded her of their long travels on dry and dusty roads.
"You…are so spoiled. But I have ran you pretty hard at times, haven't I? What can I say? Some days, all I could think about was seeing my home. Getting back to my family as fast as we could muster was worth a hard ride, wasn't it?"
Chez Marie just grumbled and this made Tara laugh out loud. Such an opinionated girl this one was.
Just than Roland showed up in a rush, rustling up some fallen leaves on the ground in his haste. Only a young child could have imitated his enthusiasm better. He was happy now too, to escape the stress of the day and spend an exciting afternoon just with his lovely wife. Rarely did they take this sort of break because of all the duties that called upon their time during this busy season. He had already decided he will make the most of it.
Henry made a show of steadying the horse as its' mistress set down her empty wine glass. He waited patiently to offer his assistance since obviously, the lady would not be able to mount the horse while trying to gather up her skirt at the same time.
"Ah, that will be fine, Henry, I'm back and I can help her up, if you don't mind."
"Not at all, milord, I know you are anxious to get out so I was merely trying to help you along."
"Of course Henry, but you do know, I prefer to help my wife. Especially if she insist on not wearing the proper clothing to ride out in." Rory looked at the man with a sharp glare, to remind him that he has his place and not to over step it when he has made his instruction very clear to the man at least once before in this regards.
"My apologies, milord."
"Very well than. Let me see, how much did you leave me to drink? Barely half of the bottle? Hum?"
"I told Henry he could drink with me and of course I had to share with Chez Marie. Better to calm her now in case all of this rush makes her think she can buck me."
"Of course. If she dares, I will have her shot so she best know her place. Ah, as always, Reggie knows just what I need to drink when I need it. Let me help you my love and than we can be off!"
"Very well than and don't get too coy with me Bann, not with all of these people running all about." She warned him because already he was staring at her as if he had too much mischief on his mind.
Rory leaned in to whisper as he helped her balance onto her saddle. "I'll just pretend you don't like it when I flirt with you" He slide his had down her thigh saying. Then he spoke up more formally, as if no one else noticed he was whispering to her before "Sorry, my wife, did I mention the wine was very good?"
"Yes, as opposed to that cheese I suppose."
"Let's be on our way than. I'd race you but I would feel terrible if you ripped your dress. Not to mention that I would have to listen to you talk about it when I much rather be doing something else."
"Very well than, I'll meet you there but remember, I have the blanket." She smiled back at him and he nodded back at her, smiling in agreement before riding off for the Lake.
The Lake or really more of a pond this time of the year fed off of the snow from the mountains in the Wintertime. This late in the season, the river flowing through it was barely enough water to move the fish to and fro. Still when the sun glistened off of the water, like twinkling little stars, it seemed like a place kissed by fairies and was often to where children and young adults would flock to in the hot Summer sun. It was Fall now and most of their youth were much too busy with their studies and farm work to find the time to wander out this far. It would have been a nice day to bring out the children, Rory thought as he unsaddled his horse to let him drink some and rest from his hard ride out there. Really, what Rory was dying to do was jump into the water to cool himself off and so he did as soon as he freed his horse. He knew his wife would think he was being very childish but soon he would have her convinced it was the only sane thing two people could do when presented with such an option in such a place. He already had figured out she brought him here to discuss bad news and so he was going to make the best of it while he could.
"Whoa, Marie, this is far enough for the both of us. I'm sure you are anxious to meet up with Antoine, so please, don't let me delay you for too long." She found herself talking to her horse as if they were old friends. Since she raised her from a foal she felt this was true as rain. She dismounted from her horse with a thump, wishing for once, Rory would at least wait to help her from her horse when they came out this way. Well, when they first were married and came out here, he was a little more attentive. Now she supposed her own sense of independence had him spoiled some and he felt she could manage it on her own. Let him deliver two babies and then see how much easier it was to pretend she was still only twenty two she thought as she fought to unbuckle her horse's saddle.
"Tara, do you need any help?" Rory called out to her when he noticed her bending over trying to release the buckle.
"Oh, no, of course I can manage it. Don't let me stop you." She answered back and he could tell by the tone of her voice that he better move fast if he really wanted her to join him.
"Here, now, …. you could have waited….. for me to catch up with you before trying to do this…there! See, easy!" He easily lifted up her saddle to hoist it away from her horses back and Marie was off to the lake eager to cool off.
"Ha, ha, she is so spoiled, that horse of yours. Now if she was carrying me around than maybe she can be excused for her impatience. You didn't even run her much at all today."
"Yes, she is probably disappointed with me since I did hold her back some. I didn't train her to be a show pony, so I can hardly complain."
"No and I know we have been so busy at home, we haven't gone riding much of late. It's just I had to oversee the management of that new field this year. This will be the first year we will be making our own wine and next year, maybe even champagne. Now wouldn't that be nice? Hum?"
"I thought you were a farmer?" She asked him nonchalantly.
"I am a man of many talents, mademoiselle. Why must I limit myself to just one specialty, mon chere?"
"Why indeed? As long as you feel you have enough trusted staff to maintain your work when we are gone, I care not."
"Tres bien. And oui, I am working on my French some because Roddy, is studying it with his palace tutor. I'm sure there will be a test on it when next we must make our appearance.""If Alistair remembers any of it I would be thoroughly impressed."
"So we didn't get an urgent summon to the palace than?"
"I'm not sure how to describe what he is asking of us this time."
"Than, since I do not have to mount my horse and ride off to play the gallant knight, we can take off this hat, you don't need it, these shoes, don't tell me you are wearing stockings? Why? I am surprised you didn't run them trying to ride with these ridiculous things on, there is one, now let me get this other one. Maybe I should have just left them on? No, there! Was this all necessary to wear out here just to go swimming?"
"I didn't exactly dress to go swimming."
"But you knew that we would. If I take off this belt, will you lose your skirt?
"No."
"Really? Too bad. Good luck trying to swim with it than. Okay, up you go!"
"Rory, really I can walk!"
"I know that but there are stickers, you know those sharp pointy things and I know how you hate to have to pull them from your skirt so here, I am saving you the trouble. I thought that is why you married me? So I can lug you around wherever I would travel."
"Really? Here I thought it was the other way around? I thought you married me so you could make excuses for why you must always pack up and leave here or there?"
"Well, that too. Isn't it nice to know we have so many nice opportunities to get away from it all? I told you I would do great things with this place. I didn't tell you that I was such a good manager that it would allow me to get away with moments like this one, whenever you get this sudden urge to go out mating. I once told father I suppose we are lucky in some respects. Your being tainted. If you weren't , surely you would have been pregnant all of the time like those McRae's. I do love our children madly. I am grateful. Not that I'd complain about our having more children if it wasn't such a burden on you. However, since I do have to carry you around from time to time, that I can do so one at time rather than you and whomever else was hoping to join up with our family, is a relief."
"You didn't tell your father this, did you? Oh please, say you are just teasing me, please?"
"You are just teasing me please. There? Did I repeat it right? Word for word?"
"Might as well drop me right here. Hopefully the cool water will help me come back to my senses. Though obviously, I lost those a long time ago."
"Ha, ha yes, I am willing to take all of the credit for that cause. Here! Really, you have to take this dress off to swim or you will drown. Just let me untie the back of this…for you. Now lift up your arms and I can hopefully get this off, over your head."
"Ah, well, nice to know you can double as my chambermaid when we are on the road. Thank you."
"Come now, I can't even count how many times I have had to help you dress and undress when we were on the road. Sometimes, urgency was necessary, when the occasion was more than a little daring." They both started laughing over the memory of some of their more awkward moments from the past.
"We use to argue over who was strapped into their armor more?"
"It was suppose to be designed to keep us protected."
"Ha, ha, than I don't know how to explain why my father didn't insist on more buckles? Not that I didn't already feel like a stuffed turkey in my training armor as it was."
"If he knew how adept I was at removing them, surely he would have."
"That is very true. Though using a knife once, that was just cheating. Than I had to re-sew those two straps back on before anyone found out what you did. Surely I should have just left it on your bed and let you have to try and explain your way out of that stunt of yours."
"Oh, wow, didn't you get me into enough trouble already? If you didn't dare me to try it, well? How could I ignore a dare and keep my self-respect? I didn't even scratch you, that took some talent."
"Indeed. I wonder when you had the time to learn such a thing? I couldn't imagine it being part of your real training?"
"No, not in particular. Though sometimes in battle, a buckle gets so bent out of sorts, you just have to cut your straps if you ever want to be done with the thing. Mind you that the armor we wear in the field is much heavier and more complicated than the ones we just use for training."
"True. I never did receive anything really worthy of fighting in but than you know, my father was so insistent on keeping me away from any serious fighting. How he could have been so short sighted in this manner? Than again, sending me off with Duncan, I suppose he thought he was going to shut me up in some castle somewhere? Surely he wouldn't send me off to war in such flimsy armor?"
"No, of course not. He was dying, remember? Probably not thinking too clearly either. I'm sure he trusted Duncan to outfit you better before sending you out against the horde."
"Well, I did find mother and make my way to the armory. At least there I was able to find something suitable to fight with. Mother told me I was to take our family sword and avenge our family. Honestly though, it was hardly enough to complete that task. I was able to pawn jewelry and some items to barter for at least something to protect me in a fight. The rest I ..well.. scrounged around for. Duncan gave me nothing to defend myself with unfortunately before sending us recruits out to face our first darkspawn. Except for Alistair. That was some experience."
"I am sorry to hear this. Surely he should have known better. No initial training?"
"No, but apparently he already knew I could defend myself in a fight. I can challenge you Rory but in a serious fight, besting you is almost impossible."
"Almost impossible? Hum?"
"Well, obviously, I would have to cheat, to beat you."
"True, and yes, I can only imagine what you would come up with. Still, knowing that you hadn't actually lead a group into battle before your turn with the Grey Wardens, well, I am almost grateful to have missed the experience. Than again, imagining having Alistair giving orders? I would greatly fear for your life."
"I know! It seems though I have a talent for it. Desperation, accompanied by a few weak men, tends to bring out the survival instincts in a person, so it would seem? Sadly, or luckily, depends on how you might view it, I really was the only member of my recruiting class with any serious combat training. It was a serious challenge but I was obviously up to the task or else, uhm..we wouldn't be having this conversation."
"Yes, so Duncan sent you on a mission, of sorts, on your own, with only Alistair as a leader?"
"I'm afraid so. I think you can see though how Alistair came to be so dependent on me over time. He can fight. It is just in a heated battle, he can't seem to reason things out at the same time. Apparently not part of Templar training, I suppose?"
"Lucky for you, your father allowed us to practice some together than. Even though I found you to be very distracting, reminding myself that in an invasion, I would be too busy to always be watching your, uhm ..tail, all of the time."
"Very funny. I'm suppose to laugh at your attempt now at humor?"
"Fair enough. I've caught you watching me too!"
"Yes, I need to pay attention to what is going on in the battle field after all."
"I see, so you aren't going to admit it. I know better though."
"It's hard not to notice you."
"I know! We both know that some men tend to fight unfairly when it comes to fighting with women. Knowing this much and feeling for you the way that I did and still do, it made me want to help you protect yourself from such unkind acts. Obviously, since you survived those early days with Duncan, I must have taught you some useful strategy."
"It helped me a lot. That was why I was always so eager to spar with you. I wanted and needed to fight not play with swords. I have no idea how Duncan found out about me, as a fighter, but I know my training saved my life. More than once. I am grateful that you were able to put aside your flirting just long enough to help me grow as a competent warrior. I can't say, had circumstance been different, if I really would have signed up to be a Grey Warden independently? My father surprised me when he gave me up to Duncan after so adamantly denying him initially. I do wonder though, would Duncan have saved my life if I turned down his offer?"
"You believe that maybe he wouldn't?"
"I cannot say. They are very strict about their recruiting. Not to mention secretive of their sacrifices. I am grateful that we have implemented certain changes in our order. Never should a person be asked to give up their family or right to one unless they are certain it is their path to take. It does us no good to have to fight besides those who are bitter over the consequences or feel deceived by the Warden's requirements."
"I understand some of his reasoning. Recruiting is hard. Though even now, with no serious Blight to contend with, there will always be those who find an adventurous life attractive. I appreciated your honesty in this matter very much though. I believe we would have been happy to live our lives without any children of our own but for our families sake, I am very grateful that we have been able to share the experience of being natural parents ourselves."
"So am I. Things might have been different for us, had Roddy not come along as early as he did but than I have taken that as sign that maybe it was for the best that you remain as you are. Rather than join the order."
"It does make me uneasy at times though. Some still feel I am unsuited for recruiting since I didn't make the ultimate sacrifice."
"Surely they must understand our circumstances, at least?"
"What? Oh some say because of your rank, we are obligated to have offspring. While others whisper we have taken an unfair advantage because of your exalted status. Something any Grey Warden would have given just in service to the Crown and the Order."
"Fools. Yes, of course I have this duty and that. Until though they come face to face with an archdemon, we haven't anything serious to discuss."
"I know. Would that I could have done it and put an end to all of this vicious gossip on your account."
"And would that any of them have to answer to their own titles. I have endured what we have had to go through and sacrifice in the name of honor and duty. I admit, my life is a comfortable one compared to much of the hard work many others have had to labor with. However, at least in my own case, I worked hard to hone my fighting skills and educate myself. I could have been lazy. Not that much was expected of me but than perhaps a little bit more since only Fergus stood between me and ruling over Highever."
"But you never seemed interested at all in such a duty? At least as far as I could tell."
"And you have read me right. Never did I ever want to take the title from my brother. In many respects, it didn't take much for me to adapt to my life as a Grey Warden. I was content with it for a time. It is only for the well-being of our people, those who needed our support and management that I studied hard for. It was my parents wishes as well. I am grateful that they saw that I needed to be trained in all matters that I might have to face. That isn't a vanity or strike against my brother. Rather it was sound reasoning I believed."
"Good. I do know better. Had you really been such an opportunist, you would have hardly given me much of your attention. Of course, I was warned that you were really only using me for your own entertainment. Not to get too serious because the time would come when you would push me aside for more, suitable, prospects. Princess.. Prince, don't expect them to be so much different than the other when it came to their handling of us more common folks."
"Such votes of confidence I see."
"I was always one who had to push things a little bit father than the rest so it seemed?"
"And it wasn't just your poor heart that led you so far astray than?"
"Oh, it was the most rebellious of all of me I dare say."
"I am glad for it. It is when you let your head get in the way of your heart that things went badly for us both. Who were they to say what my own heart felt? I never did marry any of their silly prospects. Was that not enough proof that I would marry none at all if I could not have the man that I loved?"
"It should have been. If only I listened to you rather than all the rest of them. More than likely, a good majority of them just didn't want to see me succeed in my endeavor or would really trust that my intentions were honorable."
"Well, I even had your idea of what was truly right for me to have to contend with. As if my own parents were hardly enough of a burden to bear. Obviously, you can well understand how the prospect of becoming a Grey Warden, given whatever sacrifice was asked of me, was truly the best offer I had left to me."
"Yes, I really do understand the predicament we all left you in. It did seem to me that Duncan saw that recruiting you was more of a service to you than to him. Especially after learning more of Alistair's predicament as well. I was content or pretended to be so, as a castle guard. It would have been interesting though to see what you two would have had to come up with to get your father to agree to let you join. Surely you don't believe he would have ever allowed it before his dying? If not him than your mother would deny you, I'm sure of it."
"That would have taken a lot of maneuvering, I admit. My father held a lot of sway too over the Crown so to defy his wishes would not have been favorable to the Grey Wardens if he did. Oh, but the thought of joining the Chantry? Argh ..what a life! My mother might have found that suitable if I refused to marry but my father at least should know it would be a death to me to do so."
"My poor dear. I do agree, you would have been their poorest student. Their petty bickering and all important status rungs would have driven you out of the order in no time. I could only imagine what you would have done with so much freedom?"
"Ah, freedom! It might be fun to imagine such a thing? To roam as I choose? Alistair and I would ponder such a thing when we were bored up late at watch on those long nights. Maybe I would have ran off with the bards? Or joined a pirate crew? Both sound very inspiring to me. I would want to try them both out before making my final decision of course. Too much time at sea or on land doesn't seem so inviting to me? I do like to travel some?"
"We did quite a bit of that during the Blight. I was surprised how well you took to giving up the luxury you had heaped upon you most of your life. Why, you even learned how to cook a decent meal. I think we were all most grateful of that accomplishment."
"And you will forever be teasing me about it, won't you? I was more than willing to let you do all of the cooking if that pleased you. However you seemed to enjoy doing other things just as much so I felt it was only right that I try my hand at it too."
"It seems that Nan must have still had her hand in your cooking pot but was too afraid to tell you otherwise. She did however enjoy her talent and its' exclusivity. So I can't say I am too surprised she didn't teach you more than she did. Wouldn't want to lose her place if you did much of the cooking yourself."
"No, of course not. As if I was ever going to take her place? Had I known, she would have been reprimanded at least for that. I feel less guilty for Beowulf's antics now in regards to her kitchen. I wouldn't be at all surprised that he didn't suspect her deception himself."
"Honestly, Tara, I seriously doubt that."
"I'm not surprised. You never have given him the credit he deserves. He is an amazingly smart creature. Often, I forget he is a dog at all. He thinks so well for himself."
"He might have been the poor recipient of such poor concoctions so you are probably correct in thinking he was a fair critic. I stand corrected."
"Oh, you! Surely I didn't torture you well enough with my poor cooking."
"I might object to that! Amazing how many of our party just grinned and bore your culinary torture just to keep on your good side."
"It couldn't have been that bad. You really are aggregating so much."
"Few solders actually like to be made an example of or put into the first line of fire when faced with an unmovable foe. In the beginning at least."
"So many of you are so eager to brag about your many accomplishments. You should be thanking me for giving you that opportunity in the first place."
"Probably true but that doesn't have to go so far as food poisoning or a sour taste in your mouth."
"Only so many ways you can torture a person these days and not be brought up on serious charges? I find a slow death is easier to explain away than simply a knife to the chest, don't you?"
"Depends entirely on how well I like the person I suppose?"
"Of course you would consider that conundrum. I'll keep that in mind."
"Still I would think if your hound was so particular about its' gruel it wouldn't have to be coaxed so much to bathe more often."
"I would be happy if he was a little more, concerned, in that regard but we must take his nature and circumstances under consideration as well. I have never had him hesitate getting into the river when the opportunity presents itself."
"But wouldn't you agree, it is more the desire to either cool off or some exercise rather than a desire to really clean himself up that motivates him to do that."
"I like to think the two of those things go together. They do at least often enough for me?"
"Ah, bathing in the river. That isn't such a bad thing."
"As long as you have soap and enough privacy, I agree. Other than that, I am happy with my own indoor bath."
"It is a necessity. Much like a good bottle of wine. Well, any bottle of wine suited us on the road. Another curse to Howe for forcing us to travel so much under such horrible conditions."
"It was miserable at times but we always overcame it. I was not going to suffer more because of his greed or arrogance. I was quite happy to provide him with constant reports of our successes. I only feel cheated that I couldn't be that fly on the wall to witness' how he must have grated his teeth every time he heard my name or that of the Grey Wardens. How I planned to twist my knife into his heart, telling him that not only a Cousland now had its' revenge but a female one at that! As if I couldn't be a woman and weld a sword just as well! I showed him, with all of his false dignity, how small a man he really was."
"My, my, now my wife. I assure you I do not want to be an enemy of yours. More than a few of the guards feared having to face you in a fight. I admit that worked to my advantage some as well. Sometimes, I even tried to make it look like a chore for me to do so."
"You were quite the deceiver. I appreciate your attention."
"That is why I am so blessed to have found you, not once but twice."
"You have spared me the life of a wicked enchantress. I suppose I am to be grateful for your doing this for me?"
"I see…did I really save you from yourself or merely steered your actions moreso in the right direction?"
"An interesting problem I think? I believe you are just selfish and greedy. To cage up this bird so readily before she had a chance to take flight."
"I see. So I am to be the rotten scoundrel, is it? I can live with that."
"Of course since you benefit the most from it."
"Considering I am so selfish and greedy, how could I turn out any other way than that?" He now laughed at such a notion.
"At least we have brought out this truth. Not that you would ever admit to such a thing in public."
"Only to save your virtue, I assure you, my Lady."
"My? Oh, of course. At least you were polite enough to ask."
"You wanted me to."
"You don't know that to be true."
"You mean you won't admit that to be true. That is different you understand?"
'I understand nothing that you speak of."
"I know how easy it was to seduce you."
"Hardly so."
"Come now. It wasn't a game to me. You know that. I know you too, better than that."
"Just as you know in your heart I would never play you for the fool. "
"I am so happy things turned the way that they have. I do have your brother to remind me, what you gave up for our love."
"I lost nothing. I have gained so much in return. Please don't speak like that. Or like Fergus. He choose his second wife. I am sorry he wasn't as firm as I was in his initial choice. I would expect him to see how wonderful we are doing together and rejoice with us in our blessings. Anything else is his undoing, not mine, and certainly not yours to take any blame for."
"I can take whatever Fergus has to say. He knows I can best in him in any fight. He also knows I will raise my sword to defend him against any honest foe as well. I know my place and he well enough knows his own. We respect each other on every other level so I give it no more worry than all of that."
"As it should be . I did expect my brother to find it in his heart to understand me. Why things must be as they are but he is stubborn at times. I attribute it much to the heavy responsibilities he must bear in leading Highever. However, I have done my part and than some. At least, for the time being, he leaves us in peace out here."
"We are both at ease over that, my love."
"Or else I would be digging my own moats to get in his way if he dared try to usurp my reign over here."
"Best we keep the two of you in your proper places."
"Ha, ha, I quite agree. I do hope he humbles himself a little bit more. He will if he thinks any of my children will be allowed to live under his service."
"It is something we will have to consider when the time comes. I agree
"So far, I am at least fortunate that Alistair has not been able to figure out breeding yet. Least I have those wolves flocking after my only daughter. No, I might just keep her here, locked up and far from those who would bring her any heartbreak."
"I'm sure that you would. If you could. I didn't seem to have that option however. I am not so anxious to see grandchildren. Maybe, I have seen too much suffering of the children during the Blight? I only wish them a happy life. That they find what we have but without so much heartache to match."
"So do I. We will do our best. That much I promise you."
"Thank you. That is all that I ask of you my love. I would hope to live long enough to see our children find this sort of happiness in their lives."
"Considering how much Tabby reminds me of you, I have great hopes for her. I am also scared to death."
"As well you should be. I will do my best however to distract you from your worries at least temporarily. We did get a little ahead of ourselves but we both know we would have gladly followed the rules had they not been denied us them when we were younger."
"I would have married you sooner, had you asked. You seemed more worried about the outcome of the Blight? Yet, you didn't know of the sacrifice before that night, right?"
"No. But I saw no need to make you a widower either. To deny you the chance to rebuild your estate? It seemed rather selfish of me. I didn't know the state of Highever either. There were just too many unknowns in my future. To chain you to me in such a way? I feared you would end up like your father. I knew marriage was very sacred to you. I hope you understand?"
"I tried. I was afraid, if Fergus had passed on, that you might seriously consider another suitor rather than myself. I had to be reasonable. So I was willing to accept you under whatever terms you offered me. Had I eventually lost you, I don't know how I would have survived it but some how, people do. I just followed your advice, to live life in moments. I love you. I wanted so badly to be with you. Not knowing what we might face tomorrow, I would rather cherish what time I had with you. The rest be damned."
"I'm sorry that you didn't trust that my love was stronger than that. It seemed to be the only way I could prove to you how honest my feelings for you really are. Had you pushed the matter I would have given in to please you. You should know this. And yes of course I longed to be with you and it was very wise of you to see this and not put me off any further."
"I could say that had I continued to do so, you might have been swayed by another in that direction. I was so afraid of insulting your dignity. It seems so foolish to me now. The way I regarded things back than."
"It didn't seem to matter that I loved you so much and needed to have you close to me. How much better I was, knowing I had you by my side. I never seemed to outgrow that insecure need to have someone there to protect and love me always."
"No, neither have I. I am very grateful for us both than." Pushing aside some floating leaves, he than pulled her closer to him eager to love her more.
"Are you sure no one else is out here today?" Looking around she made him laugh at her uneasiness.
"Ha, ha I didn't see anyone else when I rode up here. I think we are safe. You aren't afraid are you?"
"Afraid of what? Of course not. I just ..well…prefer to be alone with you, that's all." She explained before leaning backwards to emerge herself into the cool water.
"Let's see, you drag me out to the lake, on a moment's notice, not wearing your riding clothes, on such a beautiful, warm, Fall afternoon during one of the busiest times of the year? I doubt anyone thinks you are up to any sort of mischief, milady. I know that I just prefer the scenery myself? A change of pace is always so nice? Especially alone with you, without the children."
"It just seemed like my best option if I didn't want half of my staff listening in on our conversation."
"I liked my train of thought better than yours."
"Yes, of course. I didn't even think to change and well…it is too hot to have to wear all of those riding clothes. Reminds me of having to ride around all day in heavy armor, longing always for a river or a tub to cool off in."
"You were so spoiled. Knowing this weakness of yours worked so well though for me. Especially when my motivation was to remove you from whatever was getting in my way whenever I was interested in a more intimate situation."
"Spoiled? Me? Maybe my brother's Antivan wife was spoiled. She was boring to me. Even mother found her uncomfortable to be around at times. She would always chide us whenever we discussed our training or she caught me in the halls in my practice gear. Oren and I would dual whenever his mother was occupied with other more important things. She would always mock me whenever we were caught. Poor Oren. Poor Fergus. He loved his son so. Spoiled princess' don't have to learn how to duck from massive swords or being banged in the head by a sturdy shield. I still have this creak in my left shoulder from one of those rough training sessions."
"Poor girl." Her husband took hold of her sore shoulder and started to massage it for her while he talked. "Your mother had foresight and her training skills was one of the things that your teryn found irresistible about her when he was trying to choose a wife."
"Oh, I bet you have all sorts of sordid details of my parents courtship. Funny, I always knew of my parents intimate relationship but it was never something I really wanted to discuss the details of. And you happen to be just as fond of cleanliness as I am. Don't pretend you are some smelly Orc either."
"Sometimes, I felt like one and depending on our situation, it suit me just fine. Whatever it took to convince my enemy that nothing was going to stop me from putting an end to their viciousness. Not to mention throw them off of your.. uhm…scent."
"Ah, yes.. the taint. It doesn't seem as strong on females as it does males, but I do perspire more than usual. Perfumers, happen to just love seeing me come out to shop. But you … you are so fierce at times! I was sure to see you train as a berserker. Can't say I wasn't surprised you took the templar route. You'd never make it in the order under normal circumstances. Ha, ha, not by a long shot. I had you begging for more by the time you were sixteen." Tara laughed remembering how easy it was to turn his head whenever she walked by. How she and Cece would laugh as soon as they rounded the corner at those silly guards.
"I know I would have done well in whatever I had chosen to study. I already know how to get mad in a fight. I've never been fond of magic. It serves a purpose but I have seen the damage that mages have wrecked and it seemed not my course in the long run. You are right though. Most start out as Templar's when they are just boys however. I could have behaved myself enough to get by. As Alistair said, girls aren't around where they train so they aren't there to distract you with their foolish games."
"Oh, I can just imagine you sneaking out, trying to tease those Chantry girls. You were always so full of mischief. They are not all "affirmed" and I am positive even less would have chosen that path, had you been around."
"Ouch, you wound me so harshly, milady! Only one girl, who than became some woman, was ever able to trip me up in my duties. Had any of the Chantry girls had your charm and beauty, I admit, it would have been very distracting. Though I was hardly alone in my pursuits. Had you not been so attentive to gaining my attention, every waking day I might add, I'm sure I would have not been so easily distracted."
"Oh! You have some nerve. You were just as bad. Even worse!" She claimed getting angry at first but then catching herself, only to begin to laugh at herself through it all.
"You were, still are as a matter of fact, a persistent flirt, milady. Not that I am complaining. It is definitely one of your charms. It unfortunately, makes you also attractive to other men. Which does upset me from time to time but I have come to realize and accept that what matters most is what is in your heart. As long as I am what you desire the most, I will be content and not act like a jealous fool."
"That is very good of you. Being jealous when all I have done is given a man a nice complement or offered to help him in his greatest of needs, is foolish. Never would I ever give up your love for that of another. I am not that sort of fool. I couldn't if I tried and you have been the witness to that. Immediately, after I recognized your face in Lothering, I fell back in love with you. Not even knowing how you felt about me. It didn't matter in the moment. How I just wanted us to find somewhere, anywhere, where we could be alone and hold each other in our grief. I had buried my feelings of my losses. Alistair would bring it up sometimes but it wasn't the same as with you. You knew my family, our friends, our whole life was bound up within the two of us. But, I had to hold it all back again. It was so…painful. .to have to do. You weren't ready for all of that. So, once again I stuffed my grief away because I had such a long list of things I had to accomplish if we were to defeat the Blight. I was a mighty Grey Warden now. How Wynne loved to go on and on about honor and duty. As if that wasn't the foundation of my entire life. As if it wasn't sounding like more of a curse than a blessing at that moment in time. Could she not see what was happening to me? How even having you there was now a constant reminder of my curse that I use to enjoy as such a blessing? No. How could she? She didn't know our past. I hold no grudge against her over that incident. It just was a prick made at the wrong moment in time.
Alistair could so easily pick up on feelings like that. How could I resist his kind words and sympathy? Of course, his life was so full of losses. I didn't know how he could bear it all myself? I don't think and I didn't really feel like opening that old wound that was you. I'm sure he was too afraid to, too. That was when I suspected he wanted to be more than just my friend. It was when I knew I had to learn to handle my grief alone least I drag him too intimately into my life. It was a comfort to have someone to hold me when I felt so defeated. No longer could I run to my father for comfort and understanding. He was gone. But I didn't want Alistair to mistaken this need of him as something else, more intimate between us. I suppose our just being of the opposite sex, it was too difficult for him not to seek a more intimate relationship. I only wished that there was someone there who could fill that need in his heart. I felt it too but what I needed was you. Your strength and your love. I started to feel like I was just using Alistair as a replacement for you and that isn't the right thing to do. Maybe I could have been what he wanted me to be but always given the choice, there is no one I want to love more than I do you, my husband." Tara confessed as she wrapped her arms gently around Rory's trim waist.
"I'm sorry I shut you out like that. Had I not been still in so much pain, I wouldn't have been so blinded by my own foolishness. Seeing you, thinking about all that you lost? I felt ashamed that I failed in my duty to protect your family from great harm. I expected you to be angry with me. As if I somehow could have prevented Howe's taking over the castle. I know what went wrong but with our army so depleted, we couldn't stand up to Howe's forces alone. I just knew I couldn't face your anger or even witness you, so defeated. I was so humbled and it took some time for me settle my pride, unfortunately. I was still so afraid to know you had moved on past me. I could see Alistair's interest in you. You seemed to have feelings for him too? I knew I had no place in your life right than so it was best that I keep my distance. I've played the fool more than once. I am only grateful that you do love me so much. I can see better now how I almost pushed you into another man's arms when clearly, I could have taken you into my own. I knew how close you were to your parents. I know too how it is sometimes different between fathers and daughters. How much you must depend on your father for protection and guidance, in a world ran too much by men. Thank you for forgiving me, my love. You have given me so much. I try only to take care of you and our family the best that I can. I love all of you so very much." He confessed to her as he held her tightly in his arms.
"I do understand your fears, my darling. I started to become afraid too, that maybe you really didn't love me anymore. Alistair could not even imagine how cruel it was to have loved so deeply and to lose it all so easily. I suppose, that day I discovered how scarred up your poor back was, I could physically imagine my own scars and how deep they penetrated my own flesh. Every cruel word that came out of my parents lips hit me so harshly. I know your pain was more real and you know I surely would have taken your place if I could have. How Howe could stand there, insulting me like he would, I wanted him to die and I wanted him to die slowly. That much hatred, that much anger, ooohh, I wondered if I would ever be through with it all? I really doubt it, Rory, that it ever honestly goes away."
"No, at least it hasn't so far for me. I just channel it, in different ways. It has increased my determination to do things maybe I wasn't sure I was capable of . However, it is something I always feel I have to keep in check. Why anyone would want to be so cruel to anyone else? Why must we have revenge at all, bred to fester always within us? I don't know. I just know it has to be channeled and can be, to help us strive harder to do what is good. What is right. Don't you agree?"
"I do. For my parents, it is a little bit easier, since they did live a good and happy life. For Oren, Fergus, I find it harder to do. It does make me train harder. Enemies are always amongst us. But I still do not want to rob us of moments like these, when we can be together and love each other. It is for these memories that I fight so hard for whenever I am battling a terrible foe."
"Aye, me too. And my children and all of those who serve us well."
"I am a playful person by nature but I went out of my way to make sure your eyes were on me whenever we chance would meet. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. Of course, when just brushing my hand against you made me tingle inside, how was I suppose to resist that sensation? Besides, you liked to be teased. Swindon told us how you couldn't stop talking about me when you two were in private."
"Really? He's such a traitor. I should have beaten him up worse than I did in training."
"Well, he told us it sort of made him feel rather ill I seem to recall him saying.'
"He would say that. Swindon never did seem comfortable with those sort of feelings but maybe it reminded him too much of how much he loved Cece and that he would never have the courage to act on it? I don't really know? I just felt sad for them. It just fueled on my desire to show you, however I could, how much I loved and adored you. How happy it made me just to see you smile and how miserable my days were whenever you were far away from me. That was all I really knew of love back then? I knew there was more to it of course. I knew how afraid we both were of where it would take us. I was always however stricken with pride whenever you dared anything more intimate. It's true! I knew you struggled with it as I did and it took so much courage to defy your father. How I know that to be true! But I was also always taught that there were often times when things greater than ourselves inspired us to be brave. I just felt that love, a strong love like ours, was something too precious not to nurture and help to grow."
"Oh, Rory, how wonderful you would make me feel. Your love made me stronger, wiser, well, maybe not so much that considering how my parents took things but they were blinded, in my opinion, by folklore and how could they have already forgotten the magnitude of such a love? It never made any sense to me. The way that they reasoned things out into being back then.
Never the less, there were times even you would confuse me and leave me utterly confounded by your actions. I am only too grateful that life gave us both a second chance to have all of this again. We have proven them wrong, in so many ways. I only wish it was a lesson we could have taught them before they had to leave us both. I just was not use to seeing it so up close and I was very vulnerable back than. Yes, too stubborn to see or even ask for your comfort when I needed it more than ever at that time. I should have done so many things differently. Please try to understand me. You know it wasn't because I didn't love you. I had to come to terms with my own anger. I could never forgive myself if I took it all out on you just because you were close to me. I don't know how I could ever forgive myself if I ever did. It took me some time but I did find my old self again. Thankfully. How though did I upset you so much back when we were younger? I can't seem to recall anything worse than just some harmless teasing, myself."
"Why you would pretend sometimes to be so mad at us. It would take all afternoon for Cece to convince me that you weren't being serious and I really shouldn't make it so easy for you to vex me so. One day, I was so mad at you for pulling at the tie on the back of my dress, I told Cece I was going to train Beowulf to pee on you when you had to stand at attention and could not move."
"You would have been in so much trouble if he did. I told you it was an accident. You knew better than to get too close to me. The string got snagged in a fold of my armor."
"I don't believe you. I can tell when you are trying desperately not to laugh. Even if you didn't the other guards couldn't keep a straight face between them. That's what made it worse you know. Thinking someone else would try to do things because it seemed you always got away with it."
"I know, not very smart of me. Considering what I really wanted to do at the moment? I felt it was a tame flirtation." He grinned down into those bright hazel eyes, with a smile that she never could resist.
"I can only imagine. I am grateful than for your strong self-control. At least in front of the other guards. It was so hard and maddening, to have to pretend all of the time that we weren't as in love as we really were. I was now a caged bird, rattling at it madly, trying desperately to get closer to you."
"Ha, ha that is quite a metaphor. And here, love, I always held the key but as brave as I was, I still was afraid to use it. Well, considering how passionate our relationship can be at times, I do hope you understand why I had to hesitate at least some. I was grateful that you wrote to me and explained it all. It was so hard for us to see each other. I really just flirted with you because I wanted to make sure you knew how special you were to me. That and it could get so boring out there. If I didn't do something to get you back for the stunts that you pulled, then my friends would tease me, say things like, "she could paint your armor pink and you would wear it proudly".. " does she make you sit and beg too, like her mabari?". Oh you have no idea what sport they loved to make of me. By the way, no, I would not wear my armor if you dared to paint it pink so don't get any smart ideas."
"The nerve of those men. Some days you made me mad enough to do something so reckless. But no, I like you so much better in green, or black, or red. So no worries there. I am sorry they teased you so on my account. You know I couldn't resist being around you. I would pretend for my parent's sake and to distract them from censuring your teasing by being nice to some of the son's their friends tried to marry me off to. It never seemed to fail though, even if I tried to be a friend with them, it would always come around to their behaving less gentlemanly like. I would be so disappointed. Cece would be like, "but he is so handsome and did you hear about their Estate?" I would just yawn and tell her, "the better to hide from them I suppose?" Than I would change the subject to you and she would get so flustered. "how you go on about that soldier. You know, your parents will never approve and where would you live? With your brother?" That always made me laugh. I told her he is hardly around, that would suit me just fine. We would watch over Highever so he could be away. Unfortunately, after my parents found out about us, it seemed whenever Fergus left now, you were gone also. I loved swimming in the river back then. I would imagine I could just float away, far from everything unhappy that was now being forced upon me."
"It was so hard for me too. I know how much you love swimming. I could never be around water and not be reminded of you. I'm sorry to hear that about your suitors but men, especially men of privilege, are taught to believe they have liberties that other men aren't entitled to. Trying to take something that you have not earned ..I never saw any pleasure to be had of it."
"Beowulf was one of the best gifts my father ever gave to me. He really did save me so much trouble and bloodshed. No boy or man was ever going to tame me. It was such a terrible insult. I'm disappointed that my parents didn't warn any of my so called, "suitors" that those were fighting words to me."
"Ha, ha, I say that things got boring at times but we were lucky to have you around and we knew it. How we laughed in the tavern over your antics. Even your own father couldn't resist bringing up how entertaining it was to see some capricious sap running down the hall, being chased by your mabari. I'd wave if I knew I could get away with it. Your father though would than sober up and complain about how he had to try to smooth things over with their parents. Hardest task he ever had to do he would say because to him, any man who couldn't stand up to a mere dog was hardly worth his daughter's hand in marriage. Why send them over if they knew they were not men? Bloody waste of his time, he would mumble. Than ask why couldn't he find a good boy, like me, all the while knowing he would then turn me down when I finally got the courage to ask for your hand."
"I am sorry. He had his flaws. Here we have so much now. The grandchildren my mother always longed for. I wonder if she would ever apologize for her lack of wisdom on this matter? Had we stayed on their course, it never would have been. Once I met Duncan, I knew he was my hope for escaping the destiny my parents thought they were able to force me into playing out for them."
"Would you have run away then?"
"I would have begged Duncan to conscript me. His arrival was a complete surprise to me. Than when you mentioned he was there for you. I started to wonder if that was the solution to all of my problems suddenly. No one can rightly refuse such a request. Surely they would have offered you in my place. I would have convinced Duncan though that he had to stay the course, take us both, because no longer could I go on the way that I was."
"You wouldn't have given in and married just to get away? Was that so hard for you to do?"
"Apparently, since I rather face murderous darkspawn than an unhappy marriage. I don't just have to live with them you know. "
"Oh, yeah? That's not what you tell me." He laughed at his own foolishness.
"You are right. Usually I am telling you something quite different. You, are much too spoiled for your own good." She kissed him on the nose and he squinted his eye from the sunlight when he laughed back at her.
"That's because I am special."
"Says whom?"
"All the girls."
"Not I and Tabitha doesn't count. You're her father. She has to say nice things or else you will punish her."
"I won't punish her unless she does something naughty or tells her father he is like a mean old man. That did catch me a little off guard when she said that." He scratched his shoulder almost out of a nervous habit of his.
"Here, let me. She said that did she? Oh, that is funny. See, I told you so!"
"Not last night you didn't? Or the night before that? You must be thinking of somebody else." He leaned back to catch her trying not to blush herself.
"You do have your moments."
"I do indeed Too bad for them. All of them. I just couldn't believe there were that many eligible bachelors in all of Fereldon? It really did vex me at times."
"So I noticed. Not all of them were from Fereldon. Apparently, my parents were getting desperate. Either that or showing up at my castle was considered a necessary social engagement." Now she looked more like the unhappy one.
"More like an irresistible dare I'd say? Now, if you were a wealthy widow? I might understand that to some extent?"
"Very funny. You speak as though they were expecting more than just a kick in the pants."
"Oh, I'm sure they were. Your dowry wasn't anything to sneeze at. Not to mention those of us who were hoping to improve our stations in life by winning the approval of fair maiden."
"Thank you. Here I thought you just couldn't resist, "all of me" when in fact you were just looking to fill your pockets. How could I be so blind?"
"I haven't a clue? Surely, all of those sleepless nights I suffered from were because I was trying to think of all of the places I could spend your money. It had nothing to do with my desire to seduce you completely. No, never crossed my mind."
"You were just greedy. You wanted it all not just some of it. I know, I should be grateful."
"As well you should be. I delivered on my promises, with enthusiasm, did I not? Granted it took me a few years to make them all come true but still I succeeded where so many others had failed."
"I knew, I just couldn't muster being with another man, Rory. The very thought of it started to sicken me. The more they would talk about our imaginary life together the worse my imagination got. Until I could listen to it no more. All I had to do was signal to Beowulf and he knew exactly what to do. After I heard no word more from you I can't say I had the best regards of men in general at that point in my life. Even my own father could not trust my words to him any longer. Nor should he, since so few of them were honest and true. He put me in that place though and forced me to have to abide by it. I doubt even he thought my disdain would last as long as it did but what could he expect? I could take down his most admired suitors, one way or the other. I'd only use my charm to stab them in the back if I knew I couldn't beat them face to face."
"I had heard that you had changed. A lot. Lady Cecelia said she hardly recognized you much any more. You had grown up and learned to play the game as badly as they did. She couldn't say it was a complete disappointment to have to leave when she was wed. Though she wished she could have left you in better spirits. Gone so much was her old chum. You more resembled your mother and much was the pity for it. She said she blamed me a lot for it. I should have known better than to lead you on so but she also knew, you dreamed too big instead of too small. This was your own doing. She tried to tell you how things would be but you would never listen. Still chasing petals in the wind when we all have to grow up and accept our responsibilities. To me it was more the sadder since I believed Cece wasn't too happy about her own marriage arrangements but still, she followed duty over her heart. In some instances, I wish I didn't have to know this but it was my own fault. I asked her not the other way around."
"I do miss her so but she was right about me. I felt she was much better off than having to put up with my sulking or scheming how I was going to put off the next man my parents dared to offer up to me. What a sad way to have to spend your life? I was sure those men must have rather been out shooting than jumping through hoops to try and impress me. Such sad and pathetic creatures they had all come to be regarded as to me."
"Sad for you both. For all of us when it all could have been settled so nicely. I only hope we will be the wiser on this issue when it comes to face us and our children."
"We must do a better job Rory. Or at least you must, if I am gone."
"Hopefully, not. Let us not think so far ahead of ourselves. Still you took an interest in Alistair, didn't you? Granted he can fight but I have never really known you to want a man to follow you around like that? Just remembering how you did treat other men at that time as well."
"Ah, Alistair. He was so like Fergus. He was never threatening to me, Rory. Treated me like a sister, so it was comfortable to sit around, talk strategy with him. He knew things I didn't so there were things I could learn from him and teach him as well? Not knowing what happened to Fergus, I had no friends ..after Ostagar, we both now could understand great losses. Honestly I become friends with our whole party in time. Everyone has value. Sometimes it takes some time to find it. I suppose I was getting lonely too. Maybe…I was finally coming to grips with your rejection. When you were there at the castle even if out of sight, I didn't want to forget you. Besides, Alistair was not someone being pushed on me by my parents. We both suffered from the unbearable crush our stations in life were taking on us personally. Of course too, remember, Alistair hid the fact that he was a noble. Had he put on airs, I would have immediately rejected any notion of anything more serious."
"That much I know of you to be true. He didn't know though of your distaste of them in the beginning did he?"
"Oh, I'm sure the question came up in conversation. Why was I not married off to some high noble? You know, what is a princess doing, fighting in a field of dirty darkspawn? It didn't take him too long to realize, I wasn't just some girl playing pirates or a rebellious noble getting revenge against my parents. Getting revenge for my family, yes. You know me though. I could never forget their kindness. I always knew they could have forced me to marry but at least they had some love for me. I owed their memory this much."
"I can see that once you joined the Grey Wardens, you had your duty and your focus was on doing your job. I mean, I understand."
"I just think it must be hard for those, who cannot have what they want? I don't know? I didn't always get what I wanted? I know, I did not want you if you did not want me. I could not force your affections. Though sometimes I feared it, only because I was afraid that it might not be sincere. I never liked being teased in that way. Mother taught me to protect myself from those who would use me for sport. Than how she could turn on me so with you? It was a heartbreak I could hardly bear."
"It tore me to shreds as well. Honor and duty are what I ate and slept by. Never did I want to believe it could keep me away from someone I would have easily given my life for. Come here. For too long it seemed I would never be able to hold you in my arms again. Had you given me any sign that you didn't love me, I would have abandoned all hope of us ever coming to all of this. But you never did. I imagined that you accepted your fate, misreading your motivations for entertaining such incurable bores. When one of them caught my attention, they would purposely touch your hand, grab your arm, only to look back smugly at me and mock me. I wondered if every fool knew how much I was in love with you? I know, it just seemed that way because I couldn't be in their place."
"Now, you can mock them all! You know I will do just about anything for your pleasure. I wish I was a little better suited for child birthing however but I still gave you two beautiful children to brag about. It was easier to slay the Archdemon, if you must know the truth."
"I do understand. I am quite happy with our children. I would have spared you all of that if I could have. I suppose, had I not been intimate with you it really wouldn't have happened. I can't imagine you letting me get away with ignoring you like that."
"Blame me? Even if you never met me I know you would have not ever forsaken women. Here now, you blame me for your getting into trouble all of the time. Of course and you being two years older than myself just followed along, a lost little sheep, longing for its' shepherd."
"You mean shepherdess. Though I seem to recall you were the author of most of our more punishable offenses? It must have been those form fitting dresses that had me all dizzy. How do you women manage all of that? Just waiting for you to get dressed was so boring. I could get out of a whole suit of full armor in the same amount of time it took for you to just change from one dress to the other one."
"I wasn't allowed to just toss my things all over the floor."
"And I was? Of course you had so much more to hide than I did." He chuckled out loud, suddenly embarrassing himself.
"Very funny. Not only did I have all of these things I must hide but it always came with a lecture on how a young lady is suppose to behave around young gentlemen. It was my experience that these so called gentlemen must have never listened to their nannies because rarely did I ever encounter such a man or men."
"Oh, that isn't fair. I behaved myself like a true gentleman. I can produce a barrack full of men to my defense of that accord." He said sharply before catching himself and Tara instinctively threw her arms around him to kiss his cheek, down his neck. Rory was always so strong for her. She felt grateful that at least sometimes, she could be the same for him. He instinctively rested his head on her shoulder and they said nothing for the moment. They both knew that many of those men no longer lived. The few who were alive from the onslaught at Highever, who did not accompany Lord Fergus to Ostagar were left in poor health or far from Highever by this time.
"It will be fine, my love. We will always remember them as they were. Not how things all went wrong. I love you and forever will I do so. No matter what befalls us. I promise you this."
"Thank you. I know, I should be over this but it seems even now, it is as if it was yesterday. So much in our lives has happened to us. So much seems to have changed. Hopefully, most of it was for the better, wasn't it, my love?"
"Oh, I tend to think so? Just having you here with me, right now, knowing we are together, it is enough for the moment. I live my life in moments now, Rory. I cannot let myself get too melancholy about what is sure to come in our future."
"Just tell me please, are you being asked to fight darkspawn again? Is that why Grey Wardens are being called up?" He asked her still resting his head on her shoulder for comfort.
"Not us particularly. He didn't mention a current darkspawn attack though I am sure they happen on and off. Now and than."
"Good, at least it isn't that. If I never see another one of those misshapen things in my lifetime, it will be too soon."
"You are telling me this and yet I know you still haven't given up on the notion of becoming a Grey Warden? I'm confused, my husband."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you so. Because of the children, I've decided I must wait at least until I feel secure with Roddy being married and settled in. Honestly, once Tabitha was born, it seemed I must wait for her to be settled in as well. How could you forgive me, if I failed before I ever had the chance to give our daughter away in marriage? If…I know what you are thinking…if she chooses that marriage is the right path for her. I always have Leliana to fall back on when my turn comes to face the consequences of the taint."
"Than why do it all, Rory? Why put yourself through all of this? How could I bear it if you failed the Joining?"
"My love, try to understand. I am in no rush to do this. Maybe, I never will. However, when it is your time to go I must go with you, you do understand this, right?"
"Why? No, I don't understand it at all, Rory! You have the children to live for. Your father didn't give up when your mother passed on did he? Why should you?"
"It just feels right. I was still a young child. I needed my father for everything. I promised I will not make any sudden choices without telling you first. Your mother had a choice too, remember? What makes you think that I could go on without you? Our children have their own lives but our lives, yours and mine, we are intertwined with each other. What life I would have left would be meaningless without you. Why would I want to plague our children with my grief? Haven't I had enough grief to bear from what happened at Highever? The agony, though brief, that you might have died when you killed the archdemon. I swear I cursed Alistair for days, possibly even weeks for his not stopping you from doing that. It was his place to take that risk, not yours. For once I thought Alistair needed to stand up and act like a man. But still you had to do it. And why? Because you said the thought of leaving me here with a tyrant as a ruler was more than you could bear. As if I would be able to go on living under who cares what ruler if I didn't have you in my life? It never worked before and I fear, I won't be any better at it now. What has changed about me? About you? I fear you could become the worst of demons and still I will find some reason to love you."
"That is …well that…is utter nonsense. I can hardly believe you would ever tolerate me as some Abomination. The very thought of it?" She shakes her head in distress.
"Well, I'm not sure the house will stand up for it. Obviously, I was never again going to win another argument with you, if we could even communicate at all? Surely the neighbors won't like this sudden change in your behavior." He stopped and looked over to his wife hoping by now she was laughing at his foolishness.
"That really is enough from you, Roland about all of this. Okay, the neighbor part was funny and I was starting to even imagine what a horrible predicament I would be in. Would I have a consciousness at all? I remember Wynne and I talking about that. Wondering if we could ever change back from something like that?"
"Well, I can't imagine it but it sure would be better than ending up as some sort of Broodmother. I'm afraid my love that I would have put an end to that. I just couldn't bear it."
"Really? Nice to see we at least have a few boundaries left in our family."
"I am not drunk enough for these crazy thoughts running through my imagination. Please, no more of this before I really start to cry out loud."
"What was it?"
"Oh, honestly you don't want to know."
"Sure I do, since you don't know whether to laugh or cry?"
"Okay but if I tell you, you promise not to be mad at me for even thinking this way. right? I mean, I can't help it! I have this insane way of thinking?"
"Now I'm getting scared how bad is it?"
"Really bad. Do you really want me to tell you?"
"Yes because I can see you will start laughing about it any minute from now and than you won't be able stop long enough to tell me what it was."
"Fine I warned you. I was just thinking how difficult it would be, to take the children to visit their mother if she became well, some sort of well, you know, Broodmother like creature. Giving you flowers on your birthday.. that sort of thing. Oh wow, I can't even believe I just said it. The image of it though was just well, too funny,"
"That really is disgusting. Okay, it is really funny too. Unless of course it was my mother, or yours or Maker no, our children's mother? Now, I feel sick." She tried to lean over as if she really was going to start retching.
"Please I told you it wasn't good. I'll never let that happen to you. At least we know you would never survive such an ordeal."
"Who would want to? My poor stomach. Do you think that woman even had some sort of consciousness of her own left? I was so glad you were with me Rory. Never did I need your courage more than to face, to… face that … thing! Believe me when I say I was able to face the Archdemon with a steady heart after putting that poor creature out of its' misery. Nothing to me could ever be more horrible than what the darkspawn had done to that woman. I could never forgive Branka for allowing her friend to suffer like that."
"I know. I think too she was more than just a "friend". Which makes her selfishness even more horrible and disgusting. Just one of the many reasons I have for why I must go with you, when we fight our final battle. We will have to be so strong, my love, but we will be ready when the time comes. What matters most to me is that I know you are gone and your body will be taken care of afterwards. Our friendship with the Dwarfs assures me that we at least will not have that to worry about. If we teach our children to love as we have loved, than they will be able to honor our wishes and not grieve ever so much over our demise. At least that is my fervent wish."
"Oh, Rory, you do make it sound so bittersweet. A gift I always cherished in you. It might take me a few days though to forgive you over that whole Broodmother comment though. We will have to see about that one."
"I knew you would say that. Why can't I ever learn? I knew you wouldn't like it. I knew I shouldn't share it with you but my sense of honesty always screws me up, every time."
"Oh so now you feel compelled by honesty than? So tell me what you don't like about me? I'm sure there are more than a few things on your list."
"Please, we are suppose to be having fun, not trying to vex each other. I like sleeping in my own bed. With you, whenever I can keep you there. Let's not do this, I beg of you."
"Okay but you know you will have to answer that question some day."
"Maybe but I'm sure you already know what you do that annoys me so much. I am a grown man however and I am sure your faults are no more grievous than my own. If you can live with mine I can live with yours. Fair enough?"
"We will see. I am afraid it is going to be put to the test once more. I only hope we are strong enough to get through it."
"How so? I see, it has to do with Alistair's letter doesn't it. You can already guess one of the things that drives me crazy about you right?"
"Yes, well, I think I have it right or very close to it. However, since I am already soaking wet, we might as well enjoy this chance we have to be truly and utterly alone, don't you think?"
"There! Now something we can agree on. I like this game much better."
"I knew that you would." She smiled before pulling herself up to better meet his lips for the type of kisses that never seems to want to ever end. In a perfect world, they never would.
Sometime later, they laid out across their blanket sharing the food that was packed neatly for them by their kitchen staff for their afternoon break.
"Ooh yum, did you grow these grapes, Rory? They really are delicious."
"Yes, we did. That was what I was having harvested today. Our wine grapes are not quite right but these table grapes turned out so fine. More wine?"
"Yes, please, I'm so thirsty. It was really hot out today. Even with the late afternoon breeze."
"I suppose so. Are you trying to tell me you are pregnant again? You really don't have to go through this much trouble just to say it, you know?"
"No, I'm not pregnant. If only it were as easy as that. Alistair is becoming very worried because he has no children."
"So what is new about that? Does he expect us to teach him how its' done? It wasn't that complicated. I'm sure by now he has at least his part figured out on his own. If not, he knows where to go for such instructions."
"Yes, please do remind me of your daring exploits as an unencumbered bachelor living the good life."
"I wouldn't exactly call that sort of life good. It is a life. That is all there was to that."
"But you did have relationships, with these women? Right?"
"Hum ..I suppose I tried or maybe they tried? Really, you don't have relationships with most of the women I was involved with. Well, how do you get involved with someone who makes a living like that? I blame myself the most but they were all different."
"Good to see you weren't repeating the same mistake over and over again."
"Why are we talking about this now? Is there some reason for it. I hope?"
"I'm just trying to understand how you think. Can you at least tell me about these girls?"
"Why? You aren't going to go out looking for any of them are you? After all of these years? I assure you, my past is my past. I do not have memories of those years that I remember too fondly."
"Just tell me about the first girl. Who was she? A local girl I would suppose?"
"Well, she didn't live or work in the castle if that is what you mean. She was a nice girl. Rather quiet. Nothing at all like you. She couldn't be more opposite of you if she tried. Maybe that is why I trusted her so much? I missed how we use to talk about just.. well everything. She was good at reading my emotions, I suppose. I had so much pressure to move on with my life. I had to prove that I had changed least I lose what little I had gained after my shameful lack of self-discipline. I told Eveline this. I told her too much I presume about me, about us, and she seemed to feel, had me convinced, she would cure me of everything. I wanted to believe that she was right. But her being so different from you must have allowed me to keep that part of myself that loved you so well, apart from her. She pushed for a more serious relationship but that was never going to happen. Finally she lost faith in the relationship. I was already losing interest in it. It didn't solve anything. It only helped to distract me and help me pretend everything was all right when I knew it really wasn't."
"I'm sorry than for the two of you. I am glad though that you went your separate ways. I can see how that would only feed into your depression and make it worse."
"Perhaps? It just left the door open for the next two girls who I'm afraid, were only being used as a substitute for you. Both of them reminded me too much of you."
"Minus my character flaws of course."
"They had plenty of their own. I don't know what I would have done if you really tried hard to seduce me? How could I resist it? I don't know but I know I was scared and a little excited to find out. Enter the next two girls who were just like that. Pushy, demanding, everything I wanted you to be like but knew you couldn't be if you ever wanted to be able to sleep in your own bed, under your own roof , ever again. It seemed like fun at the time but I was mostly drunk, entirely fatigued, and really hated myself when I woke up in the morning after the fact. Of course I was seen as the man who did no wrong. I was so much fun to be around the other guards would tell me. Of course Swindon, knew me better. Wouldn't even talk to me back than. He knew it was all an act. To hurt you, to hurt me. You didn't even know how bad it got so how was I getting revenge? Just foolishness.
Is that enough information I hope? It really isn't a good topic for us to dwell on. Ever." He had answered her probing questions with painful honesty.
"Thank you. I know it was hard for you to have to remember all of this. As well as tell me what you were feeling at that time. I wanted you to remember, especially how you felt, when you thought you had no chance of ever truly being happy. It will help me understand why maybe I might have to do something to try to understand how men think and feel about themselves. I'm not sure it is making it any easier to ask you about what Alistair wrote to me.
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry it is so hard to even speak of such a thing.
"It's fine as long as you let me take you in my arms again. All of this talk about mating just makes me want to try that again."
"Do we really have enough time? Its' getting late now?"
"Oh, no you don't. Tell me its' midnight. There are wolves gathering in a circle all around us. I don't care. Once I get going they will know to fear me." He grinned seductively and she knew he would say all of this. She just wanted to tease him some and make sure he knew they didn't have all night to play out here.
"Than take me, I'm yours."
"As if I was going to let you go anywhere else. Are you going to tell me now about Alistair's letter?" he asked her as he leaned heavily over her pinning her down so she couldn't move away from him but not so much to make her feel crushed, "for some reason I now think it was all about his whining about still not being a father. Than again, maybe I am all wrong? Tell me I am wrong. He is expecting and they think it might be twins!"
"No I'm afraid not. I much rather think of you right now and not about having twins! Don't spoil the mood. One at a time was bad enough for me." She told him kindly.
"No twins. I'll just pretend that's what we're working on, just for some inspiration."
"I didn't think you needed anymore of that?"
"Never hurts. As long as it isn't real. Now shush, you will ruin my concentration." Rory teased her so she just held him tighter against herself. She just couldn't bear to tell him more about the letter. Maybe it was just best to let him read it himself. Either way his reaction was not going to be a happy one. She only hoped that if anyone could talk her out of doing something this ridiculous, her husband can.
It was later that evening when she found herself curled up on the large sofa sitting in their family room. There was a roaring fire and her dog, Beowolf was enjoying a dried up bone he found while digging earlier in the yard.
Rory was trying very hard to concentrate on the letter he still held in his hand and pacing the floor angrily. It must have been his third time reading through it and he wasn't gaining much ground on his mood.
"Roddy, say goodnight to Beowolf and Wulfgard. It is time that you go to your own bed. You can barely keep your eyes open." His mother asked him nicely as she patted him on the back to get his full attention.
"What mother? Oh, I was waiting for papa to tell me about the letter from the King. Papa please? There must be something good going on in Denerim? Everything is so boring over here. Maybe one of the mabari's had pups! Tabby isn't happy that she still doesn't have a white pup yet. I keep telling her white ones are very rare. Maybe, when she is sixty years old, they will have one and than she gets it."
"Why get her hopes up so much, pup? I mean sixty years old? By than, her vision will be so poor, it really won't matter much what color it is now will it?" His father answered him absently without taking his eyes off of the letter.
"That's what I told her! Who cares what color her dog is? If she wants a dog to fetch things she has to take whatever comes along. Beggars can't be choosers right, papa?"
"Right. Now go to bed and stop teasing your sister about the dog. Two of these are bad enough."
"Woof" replied Beowulf happily in reply and the other dog echoed his reply.
"See mummy, such good dogs we have. As long as the neighbors and staff know their places, right?"
"Mostly keep out of arms reach of them both during mealtime. All they do is want to eat." His father added bluntly.
"Mummy, is papa going to read that letter all night long? Does it say anything good at all? It seems to be very long if not very sloppy. Didn't King Alistair ever have a tutor? I know my tutor gets very cross if I write messy like that. One time, he made me write the same lines over three times! A whole entire page!"
"He has to be able to read it in order to correct it, love."
"Well, if he can't read it than he can't complain if he doesn't like my story can he now?"
"It is his job to help you learn how to write well. I suppose you thought that you outsmart that old man but instead, he got the best of you. Maybe, just to save some ink, it is best to write clearly and try to learn from your mistakes."
"What fun is that? He loves to find mistakes in my writing. Mum, I swear to you, he mixes up words just to mark me down. I just know it!"
"Why would he bother doing that, Roddy? That would be more work for him to have to do."
"So? He gets paid to work. If I write well than what else does he have to do with his time? He would not have a job. I am keeping him working, am I not!"
"You are making more work for yourself and learning less. I assure you, he has no trouble coming up with more things to teach you. Look behind you Roddy? See all of those books?"
"Yes, so?"
"When you can tell me you have read and studied all of these books than we can further discuss your education." His father told him abruptly.
"You didn't read all of those books did you?"
"Maybe not all the ones your mother bought. Some of those are just silly but girls read silly books sometimes."
"As opposed to boys who never read anything silly?"
"We just don't have the time, I assure you."
"It isn't nice to fib to your own child. I am sure I can find a book of yours that isn't worth much as far as literature goes and is purely for amusement."
"Good luck with that, my wife. Why would I save such a book to begin with?"
"Oh because it has sentimental value I would suppose? I mean, fairy tales do have some moral lessons to them, so to discount those all together is not being fair. Let me see here, ah, here is one I haven't read yet, "A boy and his mabari", interesting? Maybe you might like to try reading this one. I haven't myself so far. Too busy reading about how to re-arrange the castle or how to conduct a proper dinner party."
"That can't be a cookbook."
"Your father, he is so smart. You are quite right. More of a decorating book to help with presentation than recipes. Though there are several menu recommendations in it. Of course without the recipes included."
"Mummy, do you ever really cook? I mean you help with the canning some but you don't really cook do you?"
"No and we are all the better for it. Helga was born to cook."
"Papa, you are still reading that letter! Are you ever going to stop?"
"Maybe never. You are still up asking me endless questions. I thought your mother told you to go to bed?"
"She did but I have to know, did you ever own your own mabari, papa?"
"Yes, but I was a young lad. Younger than you are but two years older than your sister. How old was I?"
"You were about five or six years old. Your birthday comes before Tabby's and she is almost four. Am I right?"
"Very good. I was six. Like all mabari's he was a lot to handle. One day, he got out back and he kept on running. He sure could run, that dog. Unfortunately, he ran into the woods. Probably chasing a deer, knowing him. Rabbits were people food, he liked big game instead. This however was not safe and our neighbor accidentally shot him. I knew it wasn't on purpose but I was still a small child and I didn't understand this. I was so mad at Peter. So mad that I stole papa' good sword and well, I slaughter three of his chickens."
"You did papa? You were only six and already you were killing things? I guess since there weren't any dragons to slay, what else could you kill? I mean you were only six? Still the neighbor must have been very mad at you papa."
"Oh, he was and so was grandpapa. I was in so much trouble. First I stole his sword. I was never to touch it but what good is sword no one uses? Than I killed those chicken that helped to feed Peter's family. It wasn't fair but I was young. I was angry and didn't understand why my dog had to die."
"So what happened? Did you ever get another dog?"
"No, grandpapa said if I was too young to understand why we have rules and if I couldn't keep my dog from getting shot in the first place, maybe I was too young to own a dog. We replaced the chickens and I had to pull weeds for Peter's family all week long. After all of that, I didn't even want another dog. It just made me feel sad."
"I'm so sorry, papa. Did you ever read this book?"
"Let me see, maybe? See, if you look real hard, you can see my name in it. Might have been a gift. I don't remember it but it is so old. We kept it so it might have been given to me from a distant relative? Honestly, I don't remember. You will have to read it and then remind me what it is all about later. Until than, please, go to your room. You may read for a short while but when I come to check on you, the candle goes out, no complaining."
"Roddy, please put the dogs out on your way to your room will you?"
"Yes, mummy."
"Here kiss me and papa goodnite, now."
"Good evening, mummy"
"Good evening, papa" He kisses them both good nite and than leads the dogs out to their kennel for the night.
"I was going to do that. As soon as I finished up reading here."
"He likes to do it. Makes him feel all grown up. It also makes him feel like he is defying his bedtime some. A little rebellion is good if it is channeled in the right direction. You have read that letter through at least three times now. It isn't going to change no matter how many times you read it."
"His handwriting is atrocious. Roddy is right. My father would never let me get away with such handwriting."
"You also had a father and a mother you can still remember. Alistair had really neither of these things."
"He had his uncle the arl. I suppose he and Teagan were playmates some of that time."
"I would think so though he never spoke much of it? Maybe more like Fergus and I? He was my brother but our age difference and I was girl or so he told me? Once he had me pretend to be duck. All day, I was a duck. Mother wasn't too pleased with the idea but I was just a little child. I thought it was rather fun even though Fergus really was using me to make his friends all laugh at me."
"Well, that would be funny to see. How old were you at the time?"
"Oh, around Tabby's age, I remember so maybe four or five? That was the extent though that I played with Fergus. Maybe it was this way for Alistair as well? I couldn't imagine not to have at least one of my parents around growing up?"
"Nor can I. With papa getting so old, I fear his passing on before Tabby really gets to know him well? He does so love his grandchildren. Especially Tabby, since he says he never had the chance of having a daughter. He hinted once that maybe I did have a sister but she must not have lived very long? We have no pictures of her and he never spoke of it but maybe once or twice in my lifetime. So I am grateful we have been blessed."
"Than perhaps you can understand, Alistair's fears some? Would we be this happy if we didn't have our own two children?"
"What do you think? I can only answer for myself. I love you. If we didn't have children of our own, I feel we'd have taken in orphans more don't you? Even if we didn't do that we would travel more? Maybe even become regulars in the King's Army?"
"I doubt that much, Roland. At best we would have maybe spent more time with the Wardens. Maybe traveled finally to Weisshaupf to see what that great Warden's Keep was really like. As much as you will serve the King and Country, I just can't see you mustering up at this point in your life for daily service."
"Probably not. You are asking me to answer a hypothetical question remember? That wasn't to be our fate though was it? What do you think we would have done? I'm now curious."
"Just as I have said. Worked closer with the Warden's and traveled North-West to the Warden's Keep."
"We may still do that my love. Right now though I am in pretty deep with the work I have to do around here. I want to be here for my father's last few years if at all possible. We should not see another Blight in our lifetime, so hopefully, rebuilding the Wardens is enough of a legacy for us. As well as making sure we leave our children with enough stability to see them through their years as they grow old."
"It does make me rather sad when I think of your father. I will probably never get to see my grandchildren. I wonder what they will think of me?"
"You already have quite a legacy built up. Do you need more accomplishments? Anything more and you will have to gain a thicker waist my wife. I expect some weight gain in your later years but I doubt it will be enough to carry around all of the ceremonial trinkets you already have. Though I will admit I find it rather distracting, the way the sun reflects off of them and well, the sway of your hips. I just can't seem to master that walk, no matter how hard I try."
"Very funny. Surely you would trip and fall from the weight of your chest and shoulders combined. Don't you give me enough to laugh about already?"
"Not if you are going to take anything Alistair wrote in this letter seriously I won't. Yes. I have read it three times, maybe almost four and the words do not get any better the more that I read them. I suppose I should be grateful that he wrote it himself instead of dictated it to one of his scribes, further heaping more embarrassment onto my already overly burdened family."
"I don't know what to think of it all, Rory? How much do we really owe our happiness to him?"
"Not that much. Please, I thought we decided you shouldn't even have any more children to begin with? I lost my mother to childbirth. Alistair lost his mother at a young age too! We have lost at least three of our own before term. What makes him honestly believe any of this is even possible? Not to mention, the two of you are tainted. He has less than two years now before a child will be considered completely out of the question. You are only a year behind him as well. Are you not happy with the two that we have?"
"Of course I am. This isn't about my wanting another child. Even if Roddy was all that we had, you know how overjoyed we were just to be blessed with him. You were so wonderful in every way I could imagine. I don't think we believed he was real until we actually held him in our arms."
"I know. I started to have very strange nightmares too. Why do I have these and you don't? I'm not even tainted but I swear, somehow you must have transferred some sort of essence to me because I have never had these weird darkspawn like dreams before I was with you."
"Have you ever encountered darkspawn before you met me? Not likely."
"Agreed. I was so happy he just looked human. Even though the poor lad has my red hair."
"Yes, I am quite proud of that accomplishment."
"At least I knew his mother would love and admire him even if his father mostly pitied him."
"Stop that Rory. After all of these years. Your worst fate will be trying to keep him focusing on his studies and not so much on the girls." She smiled humorously over at him.
"That truly is the only advantage the poor boy has going for him. Why would I ever want to deny him such a pleasure? I didn't myself. Though you can be sure our daughter will be kept at arms length from any of those flirty Palace Guards."
"It worked so well for my father. I am grateful forever for his utter failure in that regards. I regret though that you had to suffer so much on my account. I hope I have made up for some for those years we lost due to his lack of foresight."
"You have. We have together. I couldn't ask for a more cherished love affair than the one we are living right now. A life, Alistair is bent on trying to destroy. I really am sorry that he didn't have a better life. I cannot go back or send him back to re-live it in a better light. Why though he keeps on believing that having you is what is missing from his happiness? It doesn't add up. Even if he feels somehow cheated out of his version of a happy life, he lost. I didn't get everything I ever wanted. I am sorry that we happened to want the same thing. Do you really feel that he has such a claim on us? After all of these years?"
"A debt is a debt, my love. What if he is right? The terms, they do seem to be in the child's best interest. He isn't asking to own me or any part of us. I wouldn't have to take part in this indefinitely. Only for a month out of our entire lifetime."
"A pregnancy, if one even occurs, lasts nine months. Than it ends in an excruciating trial of pain and suffering that may bring forth a living child and is something, regrettably, many mothers fail to survive. If I did not want to risk that for another child of my own why would I even consider it for one of his? What is wrong with his housekeepers? Are they all so hideously ugly and infertile? It worked for his father didn't it?"
"That is unfair, Rory. After his experience with his sister, Goldana? How could you wish such a thing on him? That is cruel."
"And what he is asking of you isn't? Of us, since we are a legally bound couple, at least I had been led to believe that all of these years. If you do bear this child how do we know he would not insist that you leave this marriage for him? Or worse, if you refuse imagine the shame he could bring down upon you? You are a public figure. People, especially young women look up to you as a leader and woman of great virtue. How can you stand by that decree if you birth another man's child? And of all the men too. A man who has continually vexed me since the day we two met."
"Yet he has also been supportive of us as well. He could have skipped the whole ritual and taken his chances with Riordan. He knew I would do what is right for Fereldon. It wouldn't have been the first time he hid behind my skirts to avoid responsibility."
"That I can attest to as well."
"He is our King. Can we not see this as a duty to our King instead of Alistair? Maybe his trouble is a mental one? We cannot say he didn't try to produce an heir on his own. In many aspects, I would rather do this than to have to put my brother, who still might not be able to avoid it or my own children in the place of his. Our children would always be challenged. A child of his would not. Not to mention you would have the opportunity to help raise the future King. I can think of no better father than yourself. No man of greater courage than you have Rory."
"Are you that much convinced this is all we have left? We have no other options to relieve us of this debt? I am not one to shy away from my responsibility. You however are precious to me. I love our children and gladly would I give my life to ensure they have a chance to live at least some of the life we have been blessed with. If I agree to this, how will this affect us? Our life together?"
"I won't go through with it if it will cost me your love. I can only do this if you will support me. This is my Country. As Arlessa, I have certain obligations. One that I side stepped so that I could live out my life with you, Rory. If we did this, it would only be to serve my duty to the Crown, to my title and for the security of our family. As he mentioned, he has done much to help my brother regain our families holdings. Why, Fergus is the Teryn of Highever! I still find that hard to believe. I think most of the time Leliana has to wake him up to remind him of this but he has lived up to the title, more or less. His duty has allowed us this peace to live on your land, with your father, in this beautiful Countryside. You have done so much for the people here in the Bannorn. They look to you first for leadership and guidance. You have done a wonderful job here and our estate is worth ten times what it was when we first came here. "
"I promised you that I would make it prosper and I try very hard to keep my promises if I can. My love, this afternoon, you brought up a difficult part of my past. You did it because of Alistair's request, wasn't it? Do you feel neglected or cheated in some way because I was the only man you ever knew?"
"No, not at all. I wanted to understand though how someone could have such relationships with another without being in love with them. Since I never had that experience, I wanted to see how it effected you and your choices in the past. My parents offered me so many choices for a suitor. Some of them were not really bad men. I just couldn't imagine making such a commitment, to be intimate with a man I did not love. I couldn't see how I could pretend such a thing? It was difficult for me too. It seemed you did move on and no matter how much I hoped or prayed, you were not going to come back for me. Alistair was the first man I had met who treated me as a friend besides you that is. So many things about him annoyed me but when we were in a battle for our lives, he helped me make it through. More than a few times, I would have probably have perished if not for his watchful eye. No matter how much I have trained at that point in my life, it was all pretend. Never had I faced a real foe that could tear me apart and was bent on doing so with no regard for human life. I was honestly terrified though I would never admit to such a thing.
"No not you. To show weakness is to make yourself vulnerable to your enemies. It can be used as a decoy however, in a woman's case, especially, but you have to be very clever. I know you are clever. You also posses too much charm when need be though often I felt you didn't develop that talent as much and I was grateful. Had you really wanted to work as someone like Leliana or Zeveran had, it would have changed something I dearly loved in you I'm afraid. Listening to you now speak, I wonder if already it is affecting your judgment. Or is it really my own short-sight that is causing me this ache I feel inside right now? I know it is not impossible that you could love another the way that you love me. I have lived in fear of it ever since we grew close once again. Things had changed between us. Life interfered with something so beautiful and tried so hard, almost succeeding, in destroying it for good. I do know, had I but encountered your party even a month later, my chances of winning you back would never have existed. Maybe this is where my jealousy is stemming from?"
"You told me you weren't a jealous man."
"And you know that I lied. Of course I am and still am. Even more so since I have so much to lose. He has everything to gain. How can I not feel intimidated by this man?"
"Don't be a fool, my love. It is this fear of his having something that you already know is yours that has me confused?"
"You, all that you are, all that makes you mine, it isn't something any man could ever allow someone else to have, without his forfeiting his own life over. Once he feels he has permission, what will make him stop trying to take possession of something he knows he really wants? I think you are expecting a sort of maturity from him that he does not possess."
"That is your fear. I can love you, in every way that I possibly know how to, even though I know I was not the only person who ever knew you intimately."
"True but I was never married to any of those women. I told you, none of it was really serious. It just wasn't the same thing."
"Is it possible though, as in the case of the first girl, that she honestly loved you but you just rejected that love? That did not stop you from leaving her or moving onto other women. Did it not?"
"No. I guess the real question is can I still love you as deeply as I do, knowing you have been with another man. Not just any man either but my King? Is that right?
"Yes, I suppose that really is what matters. It is the only thing that matters. I know I can do this for him because he is my friend. He will not mistreat me or use me in some dishonorable way to bring me shame. More is his own shame for losing the woman he claims to have loved so well. Still I was swayed by the man whose love I already knew. Even though he gave up on me and was willing to leave me to my parents manipulations. I was so young Rory. I didn't know what to do and I was growing so lonely. I couldn't understand why you did what you did to me. My motives though here are not grounded in a need of my own. I have everything I need and love right here. It is for my Country, my Duty and a chance of raising a good King at so little a price. He asked only for a month. If he fails, it is over. We have done our duty. He will ask no more of either of us.
It seems he has gone to great lengths to ensure our secrecy. To protect the child as well as us from too much scrutiny. We would raise the child as own until it reaches ten and than we would send it to the Palace for the rest of it's education. We are known throughout Fereldon as a friend to the King. Our participation will be seen as only a means to an end. It would eliminate any outside claim to the throne. No secret alliances. No mutiny or double crossing. Because of my office, again, it would be seen as a duty, a favor or something not so illicit. Unless we choose to make it that way. For the sake of our children, I would hope you would not go the way of Andraste's husband and betray my trust in you. We are hardly on that level of consciousness. I am not nor would I ever give up my marriage or my commitment to you in exchange for any promises from him. Our children will be deeded certain holding, securities, as would the same be done for the royal child upon it's birth. This will ensure that no matter what becomes of either Alistair or myself, the child's true parentage or rightful place on the throne cannot be contested.
This my love is too much to ask of you and I know your heart must be hurting so much right now. I hope that it has not been so long since we have been together as lovers that you have forgotten how deep and sincere my love for you is and will forever be. I will do what you feel is right. You are my husband and the head of our family. I won't bring this up again. I will wait until you decide what you think is right. I have given you my reasoning as much as I can do with the knowledge I have gained so far in my life. I know it is far from complete wisdom and understanding. It is however all that I have."
She moved closer to her husband and reached up once more to kiss him quietly. He hesitated just a little before taking her roughly into his arms and kissing her passionately. She returned his passion and it took a few moments before he could completely let her out of his embrace.
She left him and started to go to the children's room as she always did before retiring. Tears were rolling steadily down her face. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was sure it only echoed his own at the present moment. When she reached Tabitha's room she stopped herself to pull out her handkerchief to wipe her tears away. She didn't want to take the chance of her daughter stirring and catching her mother crying.
Bending down to her knees, she brushed her little girls loose tendrils away from her perfect face to kiss her softly on her forehead. Before Tara could turn around she felt her husbands measured breathing as he too stooped down besides her to kiss his little daughter.
He tried to rise quickly so that he could help his wife to her feet but found he needed her shoulder almost as much as she needed his hand. He was starting to get older himself it seemed. He guided her as he did every chance he could get to their son's room to find his candle burning low and he being fast asleep. So mother blew it out and father took it from her to put it away from his beside. She tucked him in better and they took their turn kissing him too good nite.
They walked up carefully together, trying not to make too much noise as they did this. Most of their staff was already in their rooms or outside still working on their late evening chores.
Finally, once their bedroom door was closed, it was Rory who broke their silence.
"Tara, I'm afraid. It isn't too often I feel this way but you know I don't feel comfortable about lying. Especially to you. I honestly don't know what is the right thing to do? To say to you."
"Rory please. All of this came to us only today. Let's give it some time. When you know what is right, than you will tell me. Until than, like I said, I won't bring it up again. We owe our family, our friends, our love, that much respect, I think, don't you?"
"I agree." He reaches down to kiss her again. "Tonight, let's just pretend we didn't have this conversation. We had an amazing afternoon and I have every intension of making tonight just as wonderful for the two of us. I'm afraid most of my planning has gone awry. I remember often how we felt when we had just come in from an exhausting fight. One, we weren't always so confident that the outcome was going to be triumphant. We were tired, worn out to the very bone. Remember that feeling? I feel that way right now.
I want to just hold you in my arms. Take my time. Get to the core of what we really are all about just to linger with you in every sigh, every whisper, every part of you that is me and me that is you. That is where I feel the most loved and where I can most love you. So please don't take too long because I feel like I am falling apart right now. I know only you can hold me all together. It feels like it is going to be a long night but in the morning, usually, we both feel so much better. As long as we have each other and can be together."
"I won't be long, I promise."
