For the Golden Snitch forum: a story about a Hufflepuff:

It had been a long, long day for Clarence Henry. It all started that morning when he had fell put of bed...

See, Clarence tosses and turns in his sleep like you would not believe. He thinks it's because of his nightmares, awful dreams where his friends are all slain by Lord Voldemort. But the dream that led to today's events wasn't like that.

No, in last night's dream, Clarence had found himself the owner of a brand new Cleansweep 4. Yeah, that Cleansweep 4, the one known to explode. Well, Clarence didn't quite know at the time that it was a 4, and instead thought it was a 5. Soaring through the sky, wind in his hair, Clarence laughed with joy. He was about to do a frontflip, but as he looked down, he felt an awful jostle, and his legs were detached from his body with the Cleansweep 4's malicious fervor. Aaah, said Clarence, as he fell from the sky. It was when he hit the ground at around infinity meters per second that he was jerked out of his dream world with a thump. Clarence was on the floor.

And Clarence had slept through Transfiguration again.

And Charms.

And Potions.

And lunch.

Oh dear, I'm dead, thought he. I've got to run away. And run he did, out the door, through the common room, into the dungeons, up the stairs, down the hall, onto the grounds, and straight into the Forbidden Forest.

And he didn't stop there, oh no, he only stopped when forced to when his robes became so thoroughly tangled in the brambles of the Forest that he couldn't move even his toes. All he could do was yell for help.

And yell. And yell. And yell. Yikes, I was dead before and I'm even deader now. Oh man oh dear oh my.

So Clarence yelled more, hoping some beast would take pity on him and toss him clear out of the forest by the head.

Wait a minute, he thought, I'm a Hufflepuff! I've just got to identify this plant that binds and I'll know how to escape! Okay, thorny, about an inch and a half in diameter, throbbing, so it has a heart... greenish, appears to have a bark similar to an Omnivicus Solaris... I've got it! All I have to do is talk sweetly to it and I'll be free!

"Hey, honey, your thorns are nearly as pokey as you, er, poke my heart with your beautiful soul."

Nothing happened.

"Erm, you know, babe, this position we're in now, it's a lot like a hug. I love it when you hug me, girl."

Nothing. Maybe it's NOT a girl?

"Did I say girl? No, no. I'm gay and I meant to say, I love it when you hug me, gay-rl... er, just forget it. I love you, Mr. Plant."

Nothing.

Perhaps it truly was just a Pulsating Thorn, and Clarence would die there. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

It was nightfall before Clarence was dislodged from the brambles by, you wouldn't believe this...

Clarence heard rumbling in the distance, a god-awful growl and thunderous clanking. Rrrrreeeaaauuugghhhh, said the noise as it got closer.

RRRREEEEEAAAAUUUUGGGHHH and Clarence was illuminated by what had to be God himself descending from Heaven to give mercy to him. But it wasn't.

Clarence felt and heard all of his bones break as he was hit by something. His robes caught on the beast, he was drug out of the forest how he came, agonized by his aggravated shattered bones. It was when they escaped the Forest that Clarence saw what had attacked him.

A. Freaking. Car. Light blue, greenish, whatever. A sentient car had crushed his bones and dragged him onto the grounds in the middle of the night.

Clarence lay there, broken. The car retreated into the wilderness again, good riddance, and he lay there for another two hours before he was found by Derek Snorelle. Derek levitated Clarence up to the castle, the latter yelling the whole way, until they reached the Hospital Wing, where Madam Pomfrey healed Clarence nearly instantly.

"What. The hell. Happened to you," said the matron. It was more of a statement than a question.

"I don't even know," said Clarence.