I do not own the characters.

Thanks to grassysvu67. Cragen is still a member of the squad.

First Chapter

Part I

"What the hell happened" Rafael asks as he rushes into the hospital. Liv, Cragen, Amaro and Fin are already standing there.

"We don't know for sure yet. The doctor will speak to us in a minute." Cragen answers. Just as if the doctor had waited for the signal, she shows up.

"What can you tell us, Doc?"

"Detective Rollins has multiple hematoma all over her body. I'm going to do the last part of the rape kit now, but she needs a couple of minutes to calm down."

"Rape kit?" Rafaels voice cracks. The squad had known that he and Amanda had been a couple for months despite their best efforts to try to keep it a secret.

But who are they kidding, their colleagues are detectives, of course they know.

"Can I talk to her?" Liv asks the doctor. Amanda's doctor agrees.

"Maybe it is better for now, when you wait here, Barba," Liv suggests. He just nods and tries to pull himself together.

Liv knocks on the door and enters. Rollins is sitting on the examination table with the standard gown, covered with bruises.

As Liv carefully sits beside her she starts: "Hey…do you wanna tell me what happened?"

Staring down and biting her lips she just replies: "I really can't. Just leave me alone, okay."

"I know this is hard but-"

"Don't start with this damn phrases, okay? I say that to victims all the time, too, and you know what? It doesn't help. Now leave!" Her voice breaks and her eyes start to fill with tears.

"Amanda, I'm sorry. But you also know that holding it back doesn't make it go away. So please tell me what happened."

They are silence for two whole minutes.

"It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I'm a trained detective, I'm supposed to defend myself, for god's sake…but they…I couldn't…it happened so fast. And it were four of them…If I just had-"

"Stop blaming yourself. You didn't have a chance. Not even the best detective could have defend himself against four men."

The doctor comes in. "Are you ready? Detective Benson can stay if you want."

"Let's just get it over with." Amanda says as she lies down.

First, she tries to be strong but then it starts to hurt so much that she grabs Liv's hand and flinches at every touch.

"I'm almost done, you're doing a great job", the doctor reassures her.

It is painful, long-lasting, and so humiliating.

Finally the Doctor finishes and tells her she would bring her some new clothes.

Amanda still feels like in trance and later won't even remember how she got dressed. In the meantime, Liv tells Cragen, Fin and Amaro that it'd be probably the best when they'd leave. "She will probably talk tomorrow to us to give us her statement, she's too traumatized right now."

"How is she holding up?" Rafael asks.

"Well…Considering what she went through…"

"What did she went through?"

Liv shakes her head but Barba pushes, "Tell me. I just need to know! I know her, she'll try to block everything out and she won't tell me."

"Then that' her decision…I don't even know anything yet, I just helped her get through with the exam so we didn't talk much…I just know it were four men who attacked her."

"Four?"

Before Liv can respond, Amanda comes out of the room looking pretty bad. Half of her face is swollen now and her bruises turned purplish-yellow. Barba gasps, swallows hard and tries to get his confidence back that he wouldn't make her feel even more uncomfortable.

"Can I stay at your place tonight?" Amanda asks him. She can't look him in the eyes.

"Sure you can. Let's go." He touches Livs shoulder for a goodbye and wants to lay his arm around Amanda but then holds back. He doesn't want to trigger or hurt her in any way.

Part II

As we walk into Rafaels apartment I immediately rush to the bathroom. All I need now was a hot shower. I close the door behind me and turn on the shower to get it really hot while I try to get out of my clothes. I've got out of the sweat pants but my body starts to shiver uncontrollable just standing there half naked.

Struggling, I try to get rid of my pullover but my arms tangle and I feel panic and anger filling me.

The water steams up the whole bathroom now because of the hotness. Sweat running down my back I just let me fall down on the hard floor and try to not scream. Then I hear a knocking.

"Can I come in?"

I don't answer. Maybe Rafael worries what I would do to me all by myself in here and slowly opens the door anyway. I bury my face in my hands; I can't bear the look on his face as he sees me, sitting here so helpless.

He clears his throat and pretends not to notice how screwed up everything is. He always has been solid as a rock.

"Maybe I should leave the door open so we can breathe in here." he suggests.

But I still can't react. I have the feeling if I would look at him I would allow myself to break. And I always had been a strong independent woman who rarely shows weakness. But I'm not worried about my image in front of Rafael, I'm afraid that I can't stop once I let myself break. And feel. And deal. And think.

Rafael sits beside me, conscious not touching me or getting too close.

"Amanda. Do you need help?" I grit my teeth, trying to focus on the sound of the pouring water.

"Amanda, please, look at me!" I take a deep breath and finally look up. The heat made my swollen side of my face worse and his horror is reflected in his eyes. Immediately I look away, trying to get out of my pullover again. He sees my pathetic struggling and insists now: "Let me help you now. Alright, put your hands up I'm going to pull now."

I'm not prepared for this feeling, standing there only in underpants now. It is like my brain had shut down to a slower motion, I can't foresee the smallest consequences. Of course I'm almost naked now, what was I thinking? Rafael already saw me a hundred times naked but this was different. I'm exposed now, my body had been violated. I feel so vulnerable that I shiver even more. Trying to cover my body I speak my first words after we left the hospital to him: "Could…could you leave? I really need to take that damn shower now, I feel so dirty. Please, go now!"

He leaves the door ajar. My skin is so itchy. The water burns so much that I bit my tongue while I try not to scream.

I try to ease every body part after another, first I numb it and then I massage it. Do not think. Breathe. In. And out. And in again. And out. That is my mantra.

Then I hold the douche between my legs until I can't take it anymore. Soaping every inch of my body is almost obsessively.

The only part of my body unwashed now is my head. I'm too afraid to close my eyes to let the water rinse over my hair and face. If I close my eyes, pictures would come. Those men would somehow come into the bathroom and grab me while I'm not paying attention. Even if it is irrational I can't risk that. There is only one solution.

"Rafael?" He appears within two seconds. "Could you…just stand there and watch the door?"

He frowns but nods and turns around.

Alright now. Rafael is protecting you. So get the hell your head clean.

My swollen side burns even more now with that hot water but I don't really care about the pain anymore. I shampoo my hair as quickly as I can.

Probably I'm in the shower for over 45 minutes now. It gets exhausting to stand and to focus. But I don't feel clean yet either. So I soap my body again. And again.

"Amanda? Don't you think it is enough now?" He is still facing the door.

I wonder what time it is so I turn off the shower and ask him.

"After midnight. But that's alright. You can sleep in tomorrow, as long as you want."

Yeah, THAT is my concern.

"Stay like this, Rafael. I'm coming out now."

"I'll go get your pajamas."

"Uhm…don't forget clean underwear." The hospital gave me new ones but I never want to wear them again.

Okay. Getting out of the shower. Step by step. Open the door. Grab a towel and step slowly outside. Don't slip. I instruct myself and I'm amazed how good my technique works. Doing things step by step and focusing on these little steps is extremely helpful to not lose your mind.

Rafael comes back in as I wrap myself into the towel. I grab the clothes in his hands and rush into the bedroom to dress.

My whole body is numb and so heavy. I just want to crawl under the blanket and sleep forever and when I wake up, everything would have been just a dream.

"I made you some tea. I'm sorry it is cold by now." Rafael says as he gives me the mug. I crack a smile and put my lips on the edge of it. The last thing you had in your mouth was your rapists penis. I choke and start to cough hardly.

"I'm alright, it's nothing" I press out and catch my breath. "Maybe I'll take some tea later."

Exhausted I lie down in bed and reach for the blanket.

Rafael wants to leave, he probably thinks I want nobody near me. But I actually feel very unsecure so I ask him to stay. He lies down beside me and we are silently facing each other, well knowing that it will never be like before. That my- our- world got destroyed.

I can see the pain in his face. It is killing me to see how he is hurting. I can feel myself slipping.

"Stop playing tough, Amanda. If you don't let it out…then you will implode."

His arm reaches for my cheek now. As he touches me I flinch, but Rafael starts gently stroking it with his fingers so I calm down. I thought I could never let me touch somebody again but it feels nice. His skin is soft and cool and makes me feel safe.

All that, the soft blanket his gentle touch and the comforting lying there, makes me cry. I just lay there, with no noise, tears streaming down my face. Rafael comes closer to me. "It's alright. Everything is going to be alright" he whispers. I want to believe that so much but I can't. I feel broken and used and so ashamed so his words make me cry so hard that I sob. He pulls me to him, laying his arm around me. For a second, I panic. But then I inhale his smell and feel his hand stroking my back and I feel safe again. I press my face against his chest and wet him but he doesn't seem to notice.

Rafael holds me very tight but loving but I just can't fall asleep. Every time I close my eyes I hear the voices of those monsters and feel their hands on my body.

The clock shows 3.30am now. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I start to cry again. Rafael who has been awake the whole time hears my cries.

"You have to get some sleep. I promise I'll stay awake and watch out. I'll be right here and protect you, nobody can hurt you anymore. Just close your eyes and focus that I'm right here and I won't leave you."

Gently, he kisses away my tears.

Apparently my exhaustion won and I managed to fall asleep but only to be abruptly woken up at exact 7 o'clock. I can smell eggs and bacon. In the bathroom I look into the mirror and discover that my face looks even worse now. My whole body aches and it is painful to pee. I decide against another shower because of time issues. The captain is not the whole day in the squad on Saturdays and I want to give my statement to him.

At the kitchen table I can't get comfortable because it hurts down there to sit on the hard chair. I just grab a pillow which makes it better but it will probably take some days until I can sit without problems again.

Rafael luckily doesn't comment on the pillow thing and puts scrambled eggs and bacon on my plate. I try with something fluid first and I'm proud of myself that I can drink now without gagging. But when I chew on my egg I have a hard time not choking. Rafael watches me; he is worried. I want to explain but how do you explain to the person you love that you have a hard time eating because someone forced his penis in your mouth? That even your mouth can feel violated?

"It is not your eggs, it tastes good. I just…well…they forced me to…" I can't say it and stare on the kitchen counter, blushing.

"I understand," he quietly responses.

I lay down my fork.

"Rafael…do we have to go to the squad today? I'm not sure if I can do that."

"Well, you know that it is important to give the statement as soon as possible."

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant…do I have to press charges at all? I'm very sure that I won't get through all that. And I can't even identify those men."

I feel terrible while I say that because I burdened so many women- even kids and teenagers- with telling the story over and over again and going through a trial and now I'm too ashamed to do it myself.

Rafael pauses before responding; carefully thinking about what to say. I can sense he is angry and now I feel even worse

"Listen, Amanda, I actually want to see those monster dead. To be honest, I would beat the crap out of them if I'd met them on the street. How can you not want them to rot in jail?"

He is not angry at me but at the men; I'm relieved. And Rafael goes on:

"You will get through all of it, I will be there for you! And I would have never expected that you would be afraid to face the process. But I can't imagine how you are feeling-"

"Exactly you can't! You have NO idea how it is, okay?" I storm off from the kitchen and agitated walk around in the bedroom. How dares he pressure me so much! I start to punch the pillows as hard as I can until I'm winded. Feeling empty now, I make myself as small as possible and crawl under the blanket.

After a few minutes Rafael comes in and apologizes: "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I shouldn't have tried to convince you."

I sit up, a lot more settled now. "It's okay. We should leave now."

"But I thought…"

"Maybe you would be okay if I don't press charges, but we both know certain Detectives who would never let me get away with that." I try I grin.