So its almost 4am, I'm sick, and this idea popped in my mind and wouldn't move until i wrote it. I'm going to bed now.

Please Review!

Letter 132:

Dearest Yao,

I hope you are well. That's my only solace in my daily hell.

I miss you Yao. I miss you so much. I wouldn't have to write if you were here with me. I know, I know you can't be. You had to leave. It doesn't matter how much I bed and plead for you to come back, you can't, you made that clear, and I understand. We talked about this. And I understand, I truly do. But sometimes I can't bear it. I can never bear it.

I want to see you Yao. I want to see you so badly. I want to feel you and hear you and smell you. I want to walk with you in the garden; I want to dance with you under the stars. I want to clean the house with your sweet singing in the background, I want to buy groceries with your hand in mine, I want to watch you cook, steam flying everywhere. I want to fight and argue, I want you to tell me not to drink to much, I want you to snap at me for being overly affectionate at inappropriate times. I want to cuddle with you on our couch; I want to take a drive. I want you. I want you so, so much. I ache for you.

Oh god, what I wouldn't give to hold you again, to have you in my arms, to kiss you, to make love to you. I would sell my empty soul just to see your golden eyes and your perfect smile, sell the world to hear my name and those three words coming out of those sweet lips.

I lay awake every night, begging for sleep, haunted by the memories of our bed. I can't escape, my body and mind betrays me. If I do sleep, all I do is dream and dream and dream of you. Of you silky hair and joyous laughter. Of your smooth skin and your birthmark and all the sensitive places of your body. Of how I used to feel before you left me, whole and complete and happy and hopeful. I used to have hope, have joy for the future. I used to have a future.

When I wake up I forget that you're gone. Sometimes it can last for more than a minute. Sometimes I can forget in the middle of the day, I can come home and expect you there waiting for me. Sometimes I can feel you breathing next to me in bed. Sometimes.

But it doesn't last. It can never last, reality is too cruel. My sisters come or the house is empty or my heart sabotages itself.

I know you said it wasn't my fault. That it was just your time to go, our time to end. You knew I was going to blame myself. You know me so well. You made me promise, swear on everything we had not to go after you. To let you leave. Because you knew. You knew I would want to go too. That I wouldn't stop until I found, you, until I was with you again. If you love me, you said, you can't come with me. You must stay and live a long and happy life and stay here, you said.

You said I had so much to live for here, without you. My sisters, my friends, so much more to look forward to. You knew I didn't believe you but you made me promise. You made me swear on you. You knew that was a promise I wouldn't break. You knew me so well, Yao but not well enough.

You didn't know there is nothing without you. I am empty, I am gone. My insides, my warmth, whatever good in me left with you. I am a shell, barely there; the only thing holding me here is the promise I made. To stay here. To live long. But, dearest Yao, I can never live happy. Not without you.

I still write you everyday. I would write you more but my sisters won't let me, you know how Natalia is, I had to fight for writing only once a day. I had to fight to write at all. But they see, they had to, that these what these letters are to me. That these letters connect you to me. That these letters are me. Because you are gone.

Yours Always,

Ivan