It was the year [insert year of setting here]. And there was this mega bad-ass war going on, between America and England. It was started by George W. Bush as he had gone on vacation to London to pick up hookers- I mean on diplomatic business or some other more believable lie. Because every good comedy either has someone speaking Spanish or mocks people like George Bush. Anyway, when he had returned to his hotel room he was convinced that a toy ball he brought with him that flashed some colours after hitting the ground had been stolen by one of the maids! In reality he had thrown it out the window when he wasn't looking and after comedically bouncing off a bald man's head, dropped into a sewer where eventually it would go out into the sea.
But back to the story, the hotel staff denied that the ball was stolen. After all, it was just a stupid ball. But Bush wasn't having it and somehow defied simple logic and common sense and started a war with England, to retrieve his toy ball. Why no one questioned him or just bought him a new ball is still a mystery.
So because adults pretty much fucked them over, all school children were being put on planes and sent to countries away from England and America. With boys on one set of planes and girls in the other.
That's gender segregation for you.
The boys plane was crowded and rowdy, and stank simply because there were boys inside. When the boys just took one step inside, the passenger part of the plane just immediately became all grimy and filthy.
"Damn these planes are cramped." A fair haired boy with the good looks of an American highschool jock muttered as he sat between two unnamed boys who will never be named in this story. "You'd think there'd be more room."
"Tell me about it." Unnamed-Boy-No.1 answered. "You'd think the adults would stop being such cheapstakes."
"I wonder what the girl planes are like." The other unnamed boy wondered out loud.
Meanwhile, in the nearby girl plane...
Said girl plane had classical music playing while most of the girls were sitting at the dinning table enjoying some nicely cooked salmon and drinks of their choice. The older girls were on the top deck enjoying a private male strip show.
"It's amazing what these planes can do now a days!" A young, fair haired beauty exclaimed to a red haired next to her. "Imagine, the interior of the plane matches up to suit the passengers who sit inside!"
"I know right!" The other replied. "It's great that they're letting the girls try them out first. Only natural since we're girls and as such get better things then those silly boys!"
"If they had this cool stuff, they'd end up killing themselves!" All girls around the table began to giggle.
Back with the boys...
"Well, it's not too bad I guess." The boy sighed as he glanced to the window. "We're only on the plane for this trip before going to... Where are we going?"
"I think we're going to China." Unnamed-Boy-No.2 answered. The fair haired boy began to look pale.
"I can't go to China! My dad got my family banned from there last summer and if the government finds out I'm in their country they might cut my balls off for all I know!"
"I'm sure you're over exaggerating. What did your dad do anyway?"
"He tried to bring home three panda cubs." The boy sighed. "He wanted to start breeding them and broke into a zoo. He took the third one because he wanted to know what pandas tasted like."
"He... He wanted to eat pandas?" Unnamed-Boy-No.1 whimpered. The fair haired boy sighed as the second unnamed boy began to comfort his friend. This was going to be a long flight, for sure.
Meanwhile in the cockpit...
"And so I said to him, 'bitch I don't think so!'" The pilot told his co-pilot before both men broke into loud laughter. Despite being told not to, they had taken several sips of apple schnapps. Because they didn't want to listen to the man!
It was then though that the phone on the plane rang out and believing it was the businessman in China who had ordered a whole bunch of springs that were stored under the schoolboys seats, the co-pilot answered after putting it on loud speaker for both pilots to hear.
"Hello-hello?"
"Hi, is this the plane containing the boys Ralph (beep), Jack Merridew, Simon (beep), (beep) (beep) and Roger (beep)?" The pilot handed a clip board to the co-pilot who looked it over.
"Let's see... Ralph (beep), Jack Merridew, Simon (beep) and Roger (beep)...? Yes they're here. But I don't know who (beep) (beep) is."
"I think he would be the heaviest of the boys. Wears glasses."
"OH, you mean tubby-tubby." The co-pilot said. "Yeah they're here. You need them for something."
"Not really, I'm kinda checking this is the right plane that has the main characters."
"Main characters?"
"I need you to crash the plane."
"What?!" The pilots, while drunk, were able to understand that that was a big no-no.
"This is the plot. In order for it to even begin, the plane must crash so the boys will go to a uninhabited island where shit will go down."
"So... it'll kinda be like LOST?" The co-pilot asked.
"Fuck LOST. It was a crappy show."
"Hey, I liked that show!" The pilot snapped, getting defensive about one of his favourite shows. "The acting was good, the plots were interesting-"
"The acting was good, I ain't denying that." The plot countered. "But in reality, the show itself sucked. It tried to appeal to too many demographics, no arc was ever really wrapped up, the ending just made no sense-"
"Sometimes things are best left unknown." The co-pilot joined in. "It keeps an air of mystery and lets the viewers come to their own conclusion, thereby keeping the series alive for years to come."
"But there are too many God damn mysteries to be just left unknown! And there's no way Jin could have made it to the island in time to time jump when he jumped into the water!"
"Come on, don't you think answering every little detail would be boring?" The pilot asked.
"Funny. Boring seems to fit the description of you and your life."
"HEY!"
"You know what I think? I think you're just someone who never got or watched the show and is just saying random crap they know in an attempt to sound smarter then us!" The co-pilot snapped. Feeling the owned the plot, the pilots high-fived each other.
"You know what I think?" The plot asked calmly. "I think I see two pilots who just signed their death tickets."
The plane jolted and both the pilots suddenly looked scared.
"What was that?"
"Oh my, is that a storm outside? Oh, and where are your seat belts, and life jackets and any other thing that could keep you alive?" The plot mocked them.
"Oh, you bi-" But the pilot was silenced when for no reason whatsoever, the plane just stopped right in the middle of the sky and dropped down and for no reason whatsoever, the ship just sort of burst open, and the pressure on the springs that were under the schoolboys seats caused all the boys to just go flying out all in the same direction of a uninhabited island that was filled with beauty and wonder.
Take a mental picture because it's now pretty much screwed.
Anyway, because the canon of the book had all the boys scattered around the island, that is exactly what happened.
Except for those part of the choir. They used their cloaks as gliders and glided after their leader like a flock of crows before landing in the dense woods.
But back to the main plot, the fair haired boy looked around him in shock as he landed in the forest and shakily stood up.
"Unnamed-Boy-No.1 and 2? Unnamed-Boy-No.1 and 2?" He called out, but there was no answer. Which meant that they had either died, or just became apart of the unnamed cast that would always increase or decrease in size depending on how many was needed for any one moment.
"Oh, thank goodness! Another survivor!" The fair haired boy turned around and to his mega disappointment, saw a fat kid with glasses. Great. The first person he finds and it's the nerd. Said nerd polished his glasses before he went on.
"That was a rather unusual incident that occurred."
"Yeah. No shit."
"Well, who knows how long we'll be here so we should introduce ourselves. I'm-"
But a large cawing noise from a bird sounded over his name. The fair haired boy scrunched his eyebrows together.
"What?"
"I said it's-"
This time it was a high pitched noise.
"... What?"
"I said it's-!"
This time a oinking of a pig nearby covered the poor, little fat boy's name. The other stared at him before he simply said,
"You know what? I'm just gonna call you Piggy. Because of that pig noise just there. That and you're fat."
"Better then being a skinny bitch." Piggy scoffed. "But what's your name?"
"Ralph. Ralph (beep)."
"... Why is your surname beeped?" Piggy questioned, but Ralph just looked surprised.
"What are you on about? I clearly said my name was Ralph (beep)."
"No, I heard a beep. Right there!"
"Whatever," Ralph said as he walked around Piggy. Not wanting to touch him in case he got annoying-character-germs. Piggy grumbled and followed after the boy. He's been able to put up with bullying since he was born, so he could keep it up! ... No, seriously. The doctors that brought Piggy into this world bullied him in the baby ward.
Threw their donuts at him, the bastards!
"Hey, look what I found!" Ralph held up a pinkish coloured conch shell. "A funny looking shell!" Ralph was expecting an answer from Piggy but he got none. Looking up he saw Piggy was still way behind him. And running slower then a turtle. I mean it, there was a turtle next to him and it was much faster compared to Piggy. In it's mind the turtle yelled, 'get a move on granny!'
"Geez, how slow are you?" Ralph sneered once Piggy arrived.
The sad thing was that Piggy was actually a faster walker then runner.
"Well, SORRY! But I suffer from asthma-"
"Sucks to your ass-mar!" Ralph said automatically. "In fact, that's going to be my catchphrase when you're involved. Because I fucking said so."
"But it's a serious condition-"
"Sucks to your ass-mar!"
"I've had it since birth-"
"Sucks to your ass-mar!"
"I should have an inhaler-"
"Sucks to your ass-mar!"
"I could die!"
"... ... ...Sucks to your ass-mar!"
"Well if all you're going to do is yell, maybe you should get the others here by blowing on the conch to bring them here!" Piggy snapped. Ralph gave him a blank look though.
"Conch? What's a conch?"
"The shell in your hands! You just have to blow on it really hard while you have your hands on it, and blow like you REALLY mean it and your mind is in the gutter isn't it?"
"Hehe, yeah." Ralph laughed.
Because fellatio and blowing on the conch is a totally original joke.
Anyway, Ralph did blow on the conch. Though when it sounded out it echoed 'boobie' like the boobie horn J. D fantasized Todd using in one of the Scrubs episodes.
Immediately all the boys that survived the crash flocked to the spot like ants in a matter of seconds. Since he had the conch, Ralph began talking.
"Alright everyone. Since we're all here we should, you know, make a plan... Or something."
"WAIT! Someone approaches!" One of the boys yelled in a dramatic way in hopes that he would be named. But he wouldn't be cause he was trying too hard.
But he was right in that someone was approaching. It was the flock of choir boys, still wearing their heavy black cloaks even though the heat being absorbed into them must be slowly killing them. And they were singing 'Celebration' by Kool & The Gang.
In the lead was a red haired boy who despite not having the nicest looks in the world was loved by fangirls even though later he would be shown to be a psycho and power hungry. But that might be good since it proves that it's not all about looks, unless of course those girls are thinking of the movies based off this book but lets not get too distracted from the plot now.
Or what little plot there is.
"You there! The extremely good looking fair haired boy that girls are going to pair me with in their disturbing yet fascinating yaoi fanfiction even though I'm pretty sure I'm straight!" The lead boy yelled as he pointed to Ralph. "Where are the adults?"
"As far as I can tell, there's none."
"So we're alone."
"Yes."
"A group of young men/boys."
"Yes."
"With no sign of authority."
"Well, I guess not."
"... Well my name's Jack Merridew and I call being the leader!"
"You can't be leader, I've the conch, I summoned us!" Ralph yelled.
"How about we have an election?" Piggy suggested. "You can give the reasons why-"
"Shut it fatty." Jack dead panned. "No one gives a crap what you think. ... The elections a good idea though. I should be leader because as you can see, I've good leadership skills with my choir."
And then an adorable boy named Simon collapsed in the sand.
"Just ignore Simon, he does that a lot." Jack said like it was no big deal.
"He just faints a lot?" Piggy questioned as he gave a concerned look to the boy who had yet to move. "But, shouldn't that be concerning? What if he has some sort of medical problem? Or if-"
"Sucks to your ass-mar." Ralph interrupted. "Continue Jack."
"Thank you. As I was saying, I'm a great leader and I sing C sharp. I also have the ability for my surname to be heard without a single beep."
There were sounds of awe from the small crowd over that last part. To them that was a lot since nearly all the boys surnames on the plane had been beeped for some reason. Ralph however just looked confused.
"What beeps? What are you on about?"
"The beeps that have been playing over everyones surnames. Duh." Jack said in a sassy way.
"There aren't any beeps. Look, my name's Ralph (beep). See, no beeping."
All the boys stared at Ralph. Did he seriously not hear the beep?
"... His name's Simon (beep)" Jack said as he pointed to Simon, who was only now pulled into the shade.
"Yeah, Simon (beep)." Ralph nodded.
"... That's Roger-ROGER!"
Roger was currently holding Simon's hand while adding salt to it.
"I put the salt on it's skin, or else it won't taste as good." Roger said in a whimsical way.
"Roger! We're not cannibals in this story! Stop salting Simon's hand!" Jack scolded.
"Aw man!" Roger groaned as he stood up and walked to Jack's side. ... Standing way too close for Jack's comfort. ...Close enough to smell his hair.
"Er... His name's... Roger (beep)." Jack introduced as he discretely edged away from Roger.
"Got that. Roger (beep)." Everyone stared at Ralph with blank looks. Their choice was either a boy who's surname was not at all beeped, or a boy who did not hear the beep at all.
"I pick Ralph!"
"Ralph!"
"I go for Ralph too!"
"Me three!"
"You heard them Jack. I'm chief so suck it!" Ralph thrusted while pointing to his crotch.
"Fine." Jack sneered. "But the choir shall be mine to control alone! And we shall be the hunters and get food!"
"... Wh-why? You're a choir, what hunting experience do you have?" Ralph questioned. After all, someone has to question in a logical way in order for there to be humour in this story.
"I'm banned from Scotland and and Wales for crimes I'm not legally allowed to discuss with anyone." Roger stated. "I'm also suppose to be wearing one of those ankle monitor things, but I 'convinced' a guy to get it off me." Jack gestured to him with a, 'can you beat that, bitch?' look.
"... Okay you can be the hunters." Ralph said a little too quickly. "But first, we should make sure that this is definitely an island."
"There wasn't any sign of close by land except for this place so how can you-"
"Sucks you your ass-mar!" Piggy stared blankly at Ralph.
"... I-I didn't say anything about my-"
"Sucks to your ass-mar! Jack. Fainting Simon. You guys are coming with me. Rest of you... Just stay here and be good and listen to Piggy."
No sooner had Ralph said that had all of the younger children started screaming in joy, gobbling up some near by fruit and swimming in the ocean followed by the older kids. Some even threw off their clothes.
"Ralph, we're boys. Thinking logically and staying in order is too much for a majority of us little boys to comprehend." Simon pointed out as Jack pulled the boy up and carried him a totally manly, bridal style. "Thinking and making sense is what girls do."
"Oh... Right." Ralph had nearly forgotten that. But he cleared his throat, hoping his error would be missed and pointed towards the beach behind him.
"Let's just go." Jack simply nodded and made his way past Ralph. Ralph grinned and began to sing an off-key version of the bridal-march.
"Shut it!"
"Jack, is gonna marry, Simon. They, will have lotsa kid's-"
"I said shut it!"
