The Three Hideous Cat-Bear Interspecies Breeding Mistakes
Once upon a time, in a wood not too far from where you know your cat goes to take a piss every morning, a cat was walking. She met a bear, and the bear raped her cruelly, because... uh... he was in love with her. Anyhoo. The cat had two hideous bear species cross babies, called Jellylorum and Jennyanydots. Though both were girls, Jenny was kind enough to have a sex change, because nobody could ever love a Hideous Cat-Bear Interspecies Breeding Mistake, and the two inbred a child, Bombalurina.
A few years after the birth, Bomba
realised how she wasn't like the other cats, and that was why no
one would look directly at her or allow her to go outside to play
in the sunlight.
So she whined and whined about that damned sunlight rule, and one
morning Jennyanydots and Jellylorum dressed her in a metal
Hannibal Lecter style suit, and wheeled her outside for a walk.
While she was gone, Golden-Mane, a spoiled, greedy, fullashit
self proclaimed sex god, discovered the little cottage that the
three hideous bear-cat creatures inhabited.
Though he was only there to get a picture of the local freaks,
Golden-Mane soon discovered the Family Hideous were not home.
Walking through the cottage, he found three bowls of catnip,
sitting on a table.
Trying the biggest bowl, he said "That's NOT real catnip!!!
That's every day household lint!!! This will never get me
high!" moving onto the next bowl, he tried the catnip in it.
With a disgusted glare he cried "THIS CATNIP HAS BEEN DOUSED
IN PETROL!", sighing, he wondered if he should even brave
the last bowl.
Against his better judgement, but for the sake of the story, he
tried the last bowl.
"Aaaaaah... puuuurrrrrrdddddyyyy collaaaahss..." he
slurred absently, as Bombalurina had sabotaged the other two
bowls in the hope of destroying the hideousness that had made her
so deformed, and only her own bowl had enough catnip in it to
give her a life time of mis-guided belief that she was gorgeous.
Golden-Mane was soon sufficiently high to be convinced there was
actually something of any interest at all in the next room, and
he padded through, crying tears of blood just to make it
interesting.
In the next room, The-High-Golden-Mane found three cat toys.
The first was a ball of yarn, and he began to bat at it
playfully, only to discover that someone, who shall remain
unnamed so that she may succeed in destroying this race of
monsters, had put tiny syringes filled with poison all the way
through the yarn.
The-High-Golden-Mane sighed as the poison entered his blood
stream and went for his heart, and moved onto the next toy.
The next toy was a catnip mouse, and The-High-and poisoned-Golden
Mane, though he was certain another dose of catnip would surely
kill him, began to play with it.
With a disgusted cry he shoved the catnip mouse away "That's
not Catnip! It's Cannabis!".
Once again on the verge of death, The-High-and
poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-Golden-Mane stupidly moved onto
the third toys, because everything in this goddamned tale comes
in threes.
The third cat toy was a ball with a bell in it, and though it was
perfectly safe to play with because it belonged to Bombalurina,
The-High-and poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-Golden-Mane was too
dense to realise that, and smashed it repeatedly with the
poisonous yarn.
With his paws filled with poison, and it's heart beating for the
last few times it ever would, The-High-and
poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-Golden-Mane trotted merrily on his
way upstairs, to find a sufficiently comfortable place to die.
Upstairs, The-High-and
poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Golden-Mane
found three incredibly predictable cat beds, one was huge for
Jenny was fat, one was medium sized for Jellylorum was deprived,
and one was tiny for Bombalurina was forced to sleep in the
microwave, and Jenny let the mice have the last bed.
Golden-Mane lay down in the large bed, and it would have been
wonderfully comfortable... except Bombalurina had put a bear-trap
in it, to destroy Jennyanydots.
Pulling his bloodied, poisoned, high body from the trap,
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Slightly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane
moved to the medium sized bed.
He climbed into the medium sized bed, only to find barely aluive
pirahnas, who were more than happy to snap at his wounds from the
bear trap.
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane
was beginning to wonder who had it in for him, and he climbed
painstakingly back out of the bed, pirahnas clinging to him like
Etcetera on a weekend.
Though the last bed was really really small,
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-
pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend tried to get
into it anyway, wishing death upon himself and the freaks who set
up those traps for him.
Sadly, the mice were in there, and they were a bit peckish, they
ate most of
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend's flesh, yet he still
lived to crawl out of that bed, and gain another extension to his
name.
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-
pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed
wasn't feeling very well.
Now, children, you may think that was the end of
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-
pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed,
but it isn't, because I need as many excuses as possible to put
in that name with something else added to it, to we'll continue
with his suffering for a little longer.
Soon, the Three Hideous Cat-Bear
Interspecies Breeding Mistakes Had come home, because Bombalurina
was claustrophobic, and they were worrying about how the mice
would be peckish, and after something to eat.
When they got home, they found the three bowls.
"Somebody's replaced my cat nip with lint!" cried
Jennyanydots, wondering how he could have missed such an
important ingredient as "Catnip" when he was making the
catnip.
"Someone's doused my catnip in petrol!" wailed
Jellylorum, taking it anyway.
"Someone's taken all my catnip!!!" wailed Bombalurina,
crawling out of the Hannibal Lecter suit "Now I'll always
know I'm ugly!"
"Who could have done such a thing?" asked Jenny, unsure
if he was talking about the petrol or the Catnip that was
missing, and not giving a flying fuck either.
They moved on into the next room, and Jellylorum swallowed the
poisonous yarn, killing her and putting her out of Bombalurina's
misery.
"Oh no!" cried Jenny, ignoring the death of his wife,
and yelping "Someone filled my catnip mouse with
Cannabis!!!"
"Oh woe," sniffled Bombalurina "Someone hath
destroyed the safe toy..."
Sighing sadly, the pair of them, and moving right along as fast
an felinly possible to upstairs...
"SOMEONE HAS BEEN SLAUGHTERED
WITH A BEAR TRAP IN MY BED!!!" yelled Jenny at the top of
his lungs.
"SOMEONE SET OFF THE BEARTRAP I PUT IN YOUR BED!!!"
screeched Bomba "AND THEY'VE RUINED MY PIRAHNA TRAP ...
though that doesn't matter, Jellylorum's already dead. AND LOOK!
THEY FED THE MICE WITH THEIR OWN FLESH!!!" she pointed at
the mice, who had blood covered muzzles and looked quite gleeful.
When we last left
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed,
he was on the verge of death and crawling away from the mice,
well he still is, it ain't easy to move fast in that condition.
"Look! It's a Deformed Fulla-shit Self Proclaimed Sex
God!!!" said Bomba, pointing "What's your name?"
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed
sighed, and read over the story, trying to figure out where to
fit the next extension in.
"My...name...is ...
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-pirahnas
-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed-the-one-and-only-Deformed-
Fullashit-sex-god...The Rum Tum Tugger for short."
"Oh." said Bombalurina as she shot Jennyanydots for
being a hideous freak who'd also had a sex change and then inbred
with his/her sister "My name's Bombalurina."
"Great." said
The-High-and-poisoned-on-the-verge-of-death-with-a-death-wish-Now-Incredibly-Bloodied-Golden-Mane-who-has-
pirahnas-clinging-to-him-like-Etcetera-on-a-weekend-who-was-semi-devoured-by-evil-mice-in-a-cat-bed-the-one-and
-only-Deformed- Fullashit-sex-god...The Rum Tum Tugger for short
as he died as well.
"Heeeeey catnip!" cried Bombalurina, and she took a
motherload of the stuff, and convinced herself for all eternity
that she was gorgeous.
The End
