Sometimes, I don't know how to finish your sentences.
It's not often yet, but it's slowly been getting more and more frequent. You'd open up with a line like "When you think about it…", and I'd have no idea what you were trying to say. So I'd just cover it up by finishing with something ambiguous. Have you even noticed?
It's like we're not on the same frequency anymore.
I want to say that it was Haruhi, but that's not completely fair. She's just being friendly. I think most of the blame lies on me. I've been closing myself off in my own thoughts… thoughts you're not privy to. I've never felt our mental and emotional distances more keenly than when my traitorous brain is tossing around psychological theories while yours is occupied with nothing at all.
I'm not bored anymore. Have you noticed? Lately, you've been the sole driver in our pranks. Your mind is still caught up in your own concerns while mine is drawing away from you at an alarming rate.
I think I may be the one that's changing, not you.
Not that change is a bad thing! No, I want you to change. I want you to mature into a semi-functional human being, so that we can stay on the same frequency. But that's not happening… I've been growing up and you haven't.
The differences between us have been getting steadily more noticeable. You've been ridiculously neurotic, ever since Haruhi pointed out that trait in you. But then, I suppose I've been going out of my way to be calm and composed since then as well.
We're drifting apart. Have you noticed?
Then again, maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Our natures were so twisted, before Tamaki came along. I'd never dare go back to that. All this is just an extension of that good thing he did for us. As Tamaki would say, "our world is expanding."
But there's something about that… it's not "we're expanding our world:" it's "our world is expanding." We have so little say in how big our world gets. I know it's unhealthy, I know. But I want some control over how small we have to become to each other just to let other people in!
Is this the consequence of being human? Is this what it means to have friends?
We've always contradicted ourselves. We want people to know each of us as individual people, but we fear the consequences of losing our own "just-the-two-of-us" world.
Or maybe that's just me.
Have you even noticed?
Everyone thinks I'm the mature one… but, just now, I'm no better than a child groping after an old toy that he's outgrown, just because the toy is his toy and he'd taken it for granted. It's so childish. You're taking natural steps with Haruhi, not even realizing that you're doing it, and I'm… I'm… I'm shutting myself out in some self-delusion of tenderness. I'm worried about your adaptations… but I'm even more worried about my own. Honestly, you're doing fine, and you don't even realize it. But me… with every inch you rise, I sink a little more into my own melancholy.
I think you have noticed my pensiveness. I see you sneak worried glances at me sometimes. This part of me has always made you uncomfortable, and it's only been getting more pronounced of late. But the most painful thing about that is that you don't know what I'm thinking about. Because we're not on the same frequency anymore.
I hope you grow; I really do. You're a wonderful person, somewhere in there. But, please, don't forget me. Don't forget that I've been by your side through so much, even after Haruhi or someone else has taken my place. Don't forget to give me one of our special smiles now and then so that I know that we're not falling apart. I still need you.
