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Zeno & Netero

*** Stuck on *CHU!*

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A/N: The Zaoldyeck Family consists of Maha, Zeno, Silva, Kikyou, Illumi, Milluki, Killua, Alluka and Kalluto, in descending senority. I took the liberty of suggesting that Zeno's not actually Maha's son but his nephew. He was only adopted after he lost his family and home to the great depression.

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Flashback

"You're so broke, you should go KFC and lick other people's fingers. Wahahaha!"

The neighborhood bullies finally get tired of teasing a small child dressed in rags, kneeling beside freshly dug grave. The bodies of 20 paupers lie underground, and one of them was his mother. The boy wipes away his tears. Everything that he has ever loved has disappeared from him. Parents, friends, home. Only a piece of land isn't likely to die on him and leave.

"I'm going to make so much money I'll buy a whole damned mountain…and live in it."

***

Today, Zeno Zaoldyeck is celebrating his 88th birthday inside his ostentatious ballroom carved out of the very rock of Kukuru Mountain. The lights are dimmed and his big family crowd around him, bearing a magnificent octagonal cake dusted with a triple layer of edible gold. The 88 gold candles burn brightly and Zeno has to strain to blow them out in one breath. "Fuuuuuuu fuuuuu fuu fuuu!!" Everyone claps and Zeno waves the cake away with a grand gesture. "Put it on the table and divide it out!" He turns to the window and his servants rush up to pull away the curtains, revealing a magnificent orange sunset. Forest stretches for miles around and literally, as far as the eye can see, everything belongs to him. He smiles indulgently. He deserves to be satisfied with his achievements, doesn't he? His wealth. His skills. His wonderful son, Silva, his five adorable grandchildren. Even his stepfather Maha is in excellent health, despite being a little dried up.

He twists his moustache egotistically and throws both hands in the air.

"Mwahahaha!!"

His gloating is suddenly cut short by a flying kick to his face, nearly blacking him out. He lands on the floor, legs spread out in front of him. "Oi!!" he yells. It's his forty year old son, Silva. "Oops, I missed, sorry Dad!" Silva shouts, but he doesn't sound the least bit remorseful. He just keeps running after his youngest son, Kalluto.

"Kalluto, get the hell outta those girly clothes! Have some respect for your grandfather, it's his birthday! Kallutoooooo!!"

Zeno rubs his cheek, frowning, and is about to get up when a stiletto heel stabs into the floor in front of him, dangerously close to his eye. Blue sparks fly. It's his daughter-in-law, Kikyou, screaming, "Leave my son alone! Don't you force him to wear those ugly gym clothes you wear all the time."

Silva stops chasing after Kalluto and turns on her, making her back up, she steps over Zeno's head and her stiletto heels tap-dance wildly across the ground where Zeno is at, trapping the old man and making him twist uncomfortably to avoid getting skewered at his vital points. Stab, stab, stab! She rudely steps over Zeno's body, then on second thought, pushes him into sitting position and hides behind him like a shield.

"What's wrong with you, Kikyou?!" Silva roars at full blast, ignoring his father. Zeno's hair stand on end and he claps a hand over his nose.

"This isn't funny you know!"

"Damn right it's not!" Zeno squeaks.

Silva ignores him, "Stop dressing him up like a girl…"

"Damn right you don't!"

"Do you want him to turn out like Illumi?!"

"Damn righ- Illumi?!"

"Illumi?!" Kikyou suddenly screeches, and stamps her deadly footwear in a rage. Even with his super-fast ninja techniques it was a close shave for Zeno. "Illumi is a good boy! He is very handsome and refined. Not a BRUTE like you!"

"Oh yeah, if you hate me so much why did you marry me?"

"I should have dated Ging Freecs! He liked me!"

"Whatever! I know how you looked before you had all that plastic surgery!"

Oh god, his progeny were at it again. When would they ever stop? How did it all turn out so wrong? He crawls away from the struggling couple, gets up and links his hands behind his back, observing them sarcastically. He walks away, a little stooped from his age. Suddenly, a sentence from behind freezes him in his steps.

"I wish I never met you, you ugly…scrooge!"

Scrooge?! Zeno's face goes slack, some memories remain better forgotten…

***

80 Years Ago

"Zeno, you scrooge!"

His cousins flop onto the grass in front of him, exhausted from all the work they had to do for him. "Don't you ever get tired of grinding us down for every penny?"

Zeno spares them a glance as he counts and pockets the payment they had given him. "You're doing fine… keep up the good work. If you want to get to the top of the mountain, just keep going, and then walk some more."

"Fuck man, if we keep working so hard, we'll drop dead before we can enjoy any of our wealth."

Zeno smirks. His cousins were all older than him but they had no concept of the power money had on them. Which was probably why they made him take care of it. "Shaddup. Even if you die, you still need money - even in hell."

Zeno Zaoldyeck, eight years old, is a short wiry boy with a mop of unruly silver hair and sharp, cat-like features. The latest addition to Maha's family who surely wasted no time becoming the leader of the pack of children due to his unusually focused attitude to life. He is taciturn, tightfisted and undeniably…

A scrooge.

"That's him," Maha says to a scruffy-looking fighter standing beside him. The middle aged stranger is tall and well-built, but not handsome due to his horse-like face and big nose. He wears a good-natured expression on his face at all times, which makes him appear somewhat goofy. Many have been tricked.

Zeno dresses in extremely cheap gear compared to what the other kids are wearing. "Is he your son, too?" Netero asks in astonishment.

"Yes. He is my son."

"But your family is the richest one I know!"

Maha shrugs. "He's a little…different from the rest."

"I can see that. Is he autistic?"

"Huh?"

"He keeps counting his coins over and over."

"Ha!" Maha grins ruefully. "Well….HEH!" He laughs again despite the situation not being amusing at all. "Hehe…he might as well be. All day long he counts his coins, he has no interest in anything else. He's actually adopted, my sister went through hard times during the Great Depression. I could have helped her, but she said she'd rather die than associate with an assassin. So now she's dead and Zeno's here. I can imagine he's suffered a lot. He's probably still scared he'll go back to being poor again."

"Hey." Netero strolls over to the little boy counting coins on the grass, smiling a generous smile. "Do you like coins?"

Zeno glances up at him and simply nodded.

"Would you like to see my special collection?"

An unmistakable light sparks in Zeno's calculating eyes; he's interested.

Netero grabs a fistful of coins from his pocket and scatters them on the ground in front of Zeno. There is a shimmering, metallic sound.

"Zennies!" Zeno whoots.

The coins come in all sizes, from bronze pennies, gold ryo dollars, to silver discs with square holes. Some of them are not even metal. There are rubies the size of beads, and diamonds, and shells with pattern of smoke, and seeds of pearly color. What are they? Are they all Zennies? How can there be so many kinds of Zennies? Zeno picks one up, a bland looking silver coin, and studies it intently. It has a flower imprinted on one side and a jeweled tray on the other. Within the tray are contained small vials, leaves and nuts, the product of the forests. A rusty smell rises distinctly from the pile – like blood.

"Is this a Zenny?"

Netero shakes his head.

"Che! If they are not zennies, then why do I bother?" Zeno mutters but there is clearly a deep hesitation in his voice. It's still money, though… "How many zennies are these worth?"

"Nothing!" Netero scoffs. "This is money from the many countries I have visited on my travels. They are valuable. Worth millions in their land. But not when I come into Padokia. Then they turn into baubles."

Zeno gasps. "But that's not fair! They're so beautiful. Are you sure they are really worthless?"

"Are you excited to know they came from different countries? They use a different system there, you know? And different languages. Would you want to know someone from a different culture?"

Zeno pauses for a short while before answering. True, he was curious about where the coins came from, but he really didn't gave a flippin fiddoo about the other people. He shrugs. "A little." But the budding xenophobe had a much more burning question in mind.

"So which one is the most valuable of all?"

"This one." Netero holds up a little red plastic disc impressed with some foreign words on one side, while the other was rimmed by 4 repeating symbols, spades, diamonds, clubs and hearts, eight of them in total. Zeno takes it from him, and at first touch he realized he hated it, he didn't even want to touch it, it felt so light and fake. Plastic…what a flimsy and ugly material. He actually felt a physical twinge of pain at its cheapness.

"This one?! Teme, don't make fun of me!" The little boy tosses the chip on the grass and scowls with an old man's expression, looking strangely tragic.

Netero grins. There is something dark in his smile and Zeno's eyes widen in fear. Has he seen the crack in his soul?

"Sorry. But I am going to exchange this chip for all the money you have."

"For a-all my money?!"

"All your money."

"What? Everything in my life, traded for this ugly plastic? Is this all that I'm worth?"

"No. That would depend on you. Actually, it depends on time. Everything depends on time."

"No! I won't let you. Why are you doing this?"

"Your father hired me to teach you a lesson and it will cost you all your money." So saying, Netero pushes Zeno onto the grass, feels all over his body for his wallet, takes it and puts it into his pocket.

"No! Give it back!" Zeno's stretches out his hands, his face has turned pale, his body hurts and he looks like he is about to cry.

"You think this whole thing is up to you?" Suddenly Netero makes a gesture and Zeno's throat becomes constricted. He can't breath, he begins to squirm and choke. "Nnnngh, nuughhh!"

Netero lowers his voice and whispers into Zeno's ear. "Let's play a game of basketball. If you can take the ball from my hands, then I'll let you keep your money. If you can't, then you must exchange all your money for this plastic coin." Netero holds up the red chip in front of Zeno's bulging eyes. Zeno has collapsed onto the grass but his eyes glare up with suicidal determination.

Netero smiles coldly. "Sorry, don't hate me."

Zeno didn't hate Netero in the end.

Quite the opposite.

***

All this flashes through Zeno's mind in a second. He turns around and observes his son fighting with his wife, he sees Kalluto cowering behind a pillar with dragon carvings, hiding from the robotic vehicles sent by Milluki to harass him, and servants who pretend to see nothing of the circus happening around them. How did it turn out this way despite living his life the best he could? What went wrong? More importantly…who's to blame?

Netero, the twisted old bastard!

"Ooof!" An orange kimono hurtles into his spleen with such force it lands them into his birthday cake, skids them across the floor and flattens them against the wall of the corridor. "OMIGOSH GRANDPA!!" Kalluto screams and rushes up to help him sit up. Zeno is grateful. Kalluto is a good boy, he thinks, he's really doesn't deserve being smothered by his mom.

"Tell me Kalluto, why do you let yourself be dressed up like a girl? You don't have to listen to your mom all the time, you know?"

Kalluto's amethyst eyes quiver, then he quickly bows his head, hands on knees, fists on thighs, eyes in shadow. "B-but...Grandpa...I-I..I don't like to wear boy's clothing."

"R-really? But why?"

"Cuz..." Kalluto's eyes slide over to Milluki, who is greedily stuffing his mouth with the broken remnants of Zeno's cake. He averts his eyes, shivering. Silva looks over at his fat grandson, not seeing the connection.

"Why, Kalluto? You can tell Grandpa."

Kalluto shivers. "Cuz it makes me look..."

"Look? Look what?" Zeno observed Milluki's form-fitting white shirt, the buttons were stretched so tight they look about to pop.

"Look f-f-f..."

"Ffft? fffuufufuf?" Could he be referring to the flabs that filled up Milluki's black pants until they overflowed at the waistline?

"It makes me look...faafafa.."

"... does this make my butt look fat?" Asks Illumi from the end of the corridor, twirling around. He is wearing a loose fitting silk blouse, a bohemian scarf around his waist and torn-up skinny...shorts. They both look up at his odd question, he is standing at the other end of his corridor so they can't see who he is talking to. Neither do they hear a reply, only see a hand sneak up and grab Illumi's butt before he disappears into the corner followed by loud smooching sounds. "CHU! CHU! MMMM...BABY…"

Zeno is outraged!!

He stands up and wipes the cake from his face. He clenches his fists. "Who the hell is there?!" he shouts.

Illumi quickly emerges from the corner, wiping his face and fixing his hair. "Ahem...I brought a tomodachi."

"SPEAK ENGLISH! WHAT THE HELL IS A TOMODACHI."

"Excuse me, I meant NAKAMA."

"Na-ka-ma?!" Zeno demanded.

"Um...." Illumi hesitates when he spots his mom and dad in the ballroom, Kikyou is sitting on top of Silva strangling him. "Umm....mom? Can my friend stay over for dinner?"

Awkward silence everywhere.

"..."

"..." Silva's eyes glare.

"..." Silva walks towards his eldest son threateningly.

Illumi gulps.

"I recall," Silva says in his deep baritone. "I've forbidden you to make friends?"

Suddenly there is a bleeping sound.

Milluki blurts out his cake and fumbles for his cell, eyes bugging. "It's for you, Grandpa. You've got an e-greeting."

"I don't know how to check my email -- just put it on speaker phone"

"Er..."

"Just DO IT!" Zeno growls.

There is a wierd anime sound like a chorus of chibified cherubs.

"Happy Birthday to you, you were born in the zoo,

You look like a monkey, and smell like one too.

Happy Birthday to you, you're a hundred and two,

Surely you can't forget, what we did in the loo?.... CHU!!!

CHU CHU!!!

Hello Zeno, surely you couldn't have forgotten your old friend..."

NETERRRROOOOO!!! A young Zeno screams while Netero leapfrogs over his head to score a slamdunk. Yee-ha!

Zeno flinches at the flashback.

He grabs the phone from Milluki's hands and yells rudely. "Damn you Netero! How dare you spoil my happy day. I told you already, it's over between us! Nothing even happened! Nothing! The game is over. O.V.R. over!!!"

Milluki twitches an eyebrow and tilts his head. Kalluto gasps, covering his lips with both hands. There is soft and creepy laughter seeping out from the phone, or maybe it is from someone hiding in the corridor. Illumi has no expression.

"O. V. R? …

…heheheh….Its not over, my dear Zeno-chan. Or do you think you can end this anytime you like?"

"W-What do you mean?!"

"I still have your basketball. Now come and get it."

"… if you called just to talk about that, then you may hang up now."

"I need your help, Zeno. I need your Dragon Drive to help us beat the Chimera Ants."

"Hmph."

"I'll pay you whatever you want."

"Hmph."

"And I still have your basketball."

"…."

"You've never won before."

Zeno pauses for a long time before answering.

"And what if I win?"

The reply was very soft so no one could hear the answer and perhaps it was better they did not.

To be continued…

***

Part 2 - who will win and WHAT exactly is the relationship between these 2 twisted old men?

Reviews are welcome! ^^