Say goodbye. A brief kiss on the forehead, a reassuring smile, tell her you're going to be fine. Smile again, wave, act far braver then what you're feeling, and leave. Remind yourself it's going to be fine, that you're going to see her again because it's the only thing that's going to keep you alive out there. Remind yourself every single day, every time you steal someone's life that this is for her, to keep her alive and safe. When faced with that, your own life doesn't seem to matter very much, does it?

And it wouldn't, if only she wasn't waiting for you at home, waiting anxiously for your return. Mumbled promises, words left unspoken, she needs you there. You need to come back. But before that, you need to save her. Save her from this terrible world she never deserved to be born into. Only then would you feel right holding her again, only when you know without a doubt that she's finally safe.

What would she do if that safety causes you your life?

Watch someone fall; hear their screams as they lie dying. Shoot some more, pray that you aren't sent out on a suicide run, pray you survive. Harden your heart to the pain. Even if you come back you know you're never going to be the same. Can you even imagine living after all this? Is there a life beyond this bloody battle? Who knows. Does it matter? Not so much.

Take another drink to drown out your thoughts, make a joke, laugh it off. Try to keep in high spirits, try not to let the hunger or the rats into your head. Kill another; watch another fall, sneak a glance at your friend to make sure it wasn't him. Sigh in relief when it isn't, because without him you'd truly be alone.

Write her a letter, wonder how long it's going to take to home. Tell her you're fine. That you haven't eaten nearly enough sweets, but all is well. Lie to keep her unworried, obvious stories she's not going to believe. Brag about how much of a hero you are, because this constant killing makes you feel like anything but that. Wonder if she's proud of you, if she lies awake at night thinking about you with a smile on her lips as you do for her. Don't mention how the thought of her is the only thing that keeps you going, because if you never come back that's only going to make it worse for her.

Finish writing. Pull out a worn picture of the two of you and hold it close to your heart. Remind yourself this is for her, to give her the kind of life she deserves, because that's the only thing keeping you alive. Stare at her face longer than you need to; memorize every detail of her smile, the sparkle in her eyes. Recall the happy times with her, when you would laugh without a fear in the world, without all this war.

Spare one more glance at the photo before rejoining the soldiers. Keep the image in mind because you know you're not going home, and you want her face to be the last thing you see.