Bella's Point Of View
Many months of bottomless depression went by, as I yearned to fill the hole aching in my chest. I decided to feel pain instead of being numb. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I chose to let myself think of him. Edward Cullen. Why did he leave me? Why would he say that he loved me, and then leave? Was it all a lie? I missed him so, so much. Will he ever come back? No. He won't come back. He doesn't love me. It will be as if I never existed. The words were permanently inscribed into my mind, they would never leave, they would always nag at me, calling me back to the pit of pain he had brought into my life on that unfortunate day.
I ached for his icy lips to be pressed against mine, his cold skin to rub the back of my hand, for his ear to be pressed against my chest, listening to my heartbeat, like his never will again. We would lie in our secret meadow, and time would seem to stop for us in that moment. I would watch him glitter in the magnificent sunlight, and he would listen to my erratic heartbeat until the sun would set and we could watch the stars.
I wondered if he would care if I were to die. I would simply vanish. He would not know, for he was gone forever. Never. Coming. Back.
Charlie was out fishing with Billy for the day, the house was home to only my memories and I. After a few hours of painful thoughts, I walked through the kitchen to search for something for lunch, only hoping I had the strength to do that. I could feel nothing more than melancholy.
Soon, only months after Edward was... gone... I had thoughts of killing myself. Bizarre, macabre images and dreams flashing through my mind. I would be bleeding to death in the bathtub, blood staining the porcelain, passed out from the sight and smell of blood. Sometimes I would have my head wrapped tightly in plastic wrap, others I would be lying face down on my bed, a bottle of pills in my hand. They changed, depending on how morbidly I could imagine my own demise at the time. With what mortification I regarded myself.
Home alone, Charlie nowhere nearby, I decided to vanish from the face of the planet, to be gone. I felt sorry for Charlie, having to live off his own horrible cooking without me there, but I'll leave a note for Billy and his son, Jacob, to help him around.
My only concern was, how would I do it? How would I commit the unforgivable sin? I might take Charlie's gun and shoot myself in the head, a clear shot, no way I could miss. Yes, that was it. Charlie had his sheriff belt hanging on the set of hooks next to the front door. I started to waltz toward there, not caring if I tripped, I wouldn't be alive much longer anyway. The belt unlatched quickly. This was too easy.
Where would I aim for? The temple, or in my mouth, or straight to the heart, make it stop beating? I opted for the original, to the side of my eye, my temple. I remembered Edward's face. His cold, hard lips pressured against my own. His stone chest, sculpted perfectly. His glittering form in our special meadow...
I heard a loud bang! and everything went black.
