Before anyone shoots me, let me reiterate in case you did not read the summary. This is a parody.

Again. This is a parody!

So things are going to be all out of whack lol, especially with Edward. And Bella. And Jake probably. Basically, I'm going to exaggerate each character to an unimaginable length. It's going to be ridiculous, and hopefully hilarious. But that doesn't mean I don't love them all still. I've just been so tempted to write one of these that the time has finally come. Enjoy! Oh and please review, I really appreciate them.

I do not own any of Stephanie Meyer's work, solely the plot to this story (as messed up and vague as it's going to be…).


"Edward, hurry up already!"

The tall, gorgeous vampire got out of the car, his windswept hair blowing dramatically despite the fact that there was no wind whatsoever. Behind him, another vampire followed. And then another. And another. And another.

Before anyone knew what was happening, seven gleaming vampires stood on the freshly snowed parking lot, and for a second time literally stood still. All eyes focused on them, because even as they stood the vampires were in picture mode, eyes sparkling, teeth shining, muscles ripping despite the fact that they wore jackets.

And then realization hit. A diamond-like glare reflected off of a nerdy boy's glasses.

Edward yelped. "Get in the car! Get in the car!"

They filed back into the small vehicle, somehow managing to get in without actually going in one by one. When they were safely compacted inside, Bella finally spoke.

"I think … they might have … seen us?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Well of course they did! We were shining, what do you expect, Bella?"

Bella turned her head down. "Sorry. I just have a bad habit of stating the obvious."

Edward cupped her face in the palm of his hand, stroking it gingerly. "It's ok, Bella. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

"And I love you, Edward."

"Jazz, please."

Jasper nodded, focusing his super power on the two vampires already getting ready to shred their clothes off, disregarding everyone else completely. Within seconds Bella and Edward were scowling.

"Why couldn't I have a power like that! Now we can't get it on anymore. I feel so indifferent." Edward whined.

Alice shrugged. "We need to figure this out first. When we get back home you guys will be having sex all you want."

Bella and Edward's faces shone with delight. "Really?" they both asked.

Alice nodded, her eyelashes fluttering madly. "Oh yes. I've seen it." Because of course, only a psychic like Alice could possibly see that coming.

"Anyway," she continued, looking out the window. "I'm seeing that the coast is clear now, and the sun is no longer out. We can go to class now."

Renesmee—who up till this point everyone had forgotten, too busy with their mates—gushed. "Wow, Alice. You're so good at fortune telling."

Alice smiled back. "I knew you were going to say something like that. My visions just got all blurry and I saw myself smiling. So I knew it had to be you."

They filed out of the car again. Luckily for them the humans would have forgotten that they sparkled in the sun. There was no exact science to how they knew this. Humans were just stupid. Bella had proved it to them on several occasions.

They entered the school and separated to their various classes. Each had their own except for Edward and Renesmee. Since it was her first time in a public school she needed to be supervised. It was Bella's first time as well but she wasn't a liability. Her ignorance seemed to come in handy when it came to human blood, so luckily for them she could ignore it completely. Renesmee, being a bit brighter, was indeed a burden. Too much temptation could prove lethal to them all.

Renesmee walked into their Mathematics class first, her hair blowing back suddenly with flair. She frowned. That was always happening for some reason when she entered a room. The boys in the classroom immediately perked up. She was the most beautiful girl they had ever laid eyes on.

Then Edward walked in.

And Renesmee was immediately forgotten, because let's face it, the half-human part in her—Bella's part—could never rival the magnificence of drop-dead gorgeous Edward Cullen.

All eyes fell on the godly-looking creature, and Edward stopped, basking in the light, tousled hair flapping sexily across the front of perfect eyebrows—he'd made sure to pluck them before class—and ruby lips arching into the most stunning smile. He didn't even have to hide his vampire teeth because statistics showed that more people tended to find that kind of stuff incredibly hot. And again, humans were too stupid to realize vampire teeth usually meant that person was a vampire.

It went without saying that ninety percent of the classroom was already head-over-heels in love with Edward. Even though half the students were male. Because Edward just seemed to have that effect on people, turning even the most macho quarterback into a flamboyant fangirl.

Renesmee, already having found a seat in the back of the class, heard a tap on the glass. She looked towards the sound.

Standing there with his tongue hanging out was none other than Jacob Black. In wolf-form. Of course, no one else in the classroom noticed, they were still too busy ogling Edward.

She tentatively pulled the window open. Jacob's tongue all but lapped her face when he was able to stick part of his face in. Renesmee refrained from grimacing. What decent girl wanted dog slobber on their porcelain face? Of course, because it was Jacob's slobber she would accept it. For some reason she just couldn't bear to see the blubbering Quileute leader upset.

"What are you doing here?"

The wolf's head disappeared suddenly, and in place stood a handsome, dark-skinned man, roughly between the ages of 16 and 25. No one could ever really tell, not even Jacob himself.

"I had to see you, Nessie."

"But I'm in class, Jake."

Jacob rolled his eyes and motioned towards the other side of the room where Edward was busy slouching casually whilst entertaining the rest of the class with his various impressions of Shakespeare and Frost. Renesmee shook her head. This was math class for crying out loud!

Jacob caught her hand in his. "It's ok, Nessie. I still think you're the most beautiful creature in the world."

Renesmee sighed. Something about the way he said these kinds of things, it made her heart flutter. But she knew better than to fall in love with him. He was taken, though by whom she had no idea. She had heard all about the imprinting business, as well as Leah's story. No need for her to get tangled up in something like that.

"Thanks, Jake."

Jacob smiled, so brightly it almost blinded her. "Sure, Ness."

And then he was gone. Though Renesmee couldn't be too sure, she was still blinking away the inexplicable beam of sunshine that sprouted from her best friend's teeth.

She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. It was so unfair.


Ok, these will be short chapters of course. As you may have noticed, there isn't exactly a plot yet. Though when I do decide to continue—if you'd all like me to, that is—there will be one. And it will be fabulous and satirical as well. Please review!