Authors note:
I started this story before I went on vaca.while I was there I had some better ideas and I didn't like the way I formatted it. so here it is, we still have all the same characters I introduced (Chloe, Phillip, Alyssa etc etc.) Coming back I tried out for fh and I got hurt which is why I have a huge gap of time now to bring u this story. I'm gonna relate what I'm going through right now to one of the characters. If you like my second attempt review. if you hate it review. but what's great about this site is that everyone is aspiring writers and whether your 14 (me!) or 20 you can get a glimpse of what being an author is like. and right now that's all I need. so my second attempt and my 2nd fic sounds pretty promising to me. And all those who think asking for reviews is un-necessary, I agree with what you say that you should write a story because you love it not because others want you too. So review if you want, it helps me realize what I need to do to fix my story.but don't flame me for asking for reviews. all flames are good for is roasting marshmellows. O here's another tidbit, I'm having the kids keep their father's name because they don't know they are royalty. So here it is
TAKE TWO
Chapter One the Game
It was a rainy over cast day, but despite the weather, The Einstein Lions were in for their first scrimmage of the season. Against their rivals, The Trinity Treasures.
"Alyssa," Coach Euwin called. "You're in for Allister."
Alyssa jumped up making her shoes were tied and took a drink of water before running out in the field to join her teammates. She motioned to Cali that she was in for her and took her place at center midi. Alyssa loved when the pressure was on her. She loved making everyone around her see her talent and she loved showing off. She knew it got to the better of her sometimes. The rest of the girls didn't mind Alyssa's talent. They were a close knit team consisting of only 12 girls. Alyssa played center midi. Her twin sister Chloe played goalie. Cali Allister was a versatile player; she could play anywhere she was needed. Reilie O'Brien was Alyssa's best friend. they both had winning instinct. Reiles played left midi. Bridget Jensen, was another close friend of Alyssa's and likewise she played to the right side of Alyssa. The rest of the team consisted of Elizabeth and Starr Richter, Josie Showalter, Carly Miller, Justina Tsu and Annaeliese Pelowski but everyone just called her Pele. The played their games on the JV team on a field in Central Park.
The Einstein Lions quickly took the lead 2-0 with goals by Pele and Cali. Alyssa wasn't feeling 100% and was quickly pulled only to be quickly replaced. She dribbled the ball around one of the Trinity Treasures defense line. She saw she had no shot but faked left, faked right and then went left. She set Reilie up only to be bombarded seconds later. She fell hard. Gianna Thomas, the largest and most aggressive player on Trinity crashed into Alyssa and landed on her ankle. hard. "Foul," Coach Euwin called "Foul". While she was busy jumping up at the referee, Alyssa felt a weird sensation in her ankle. She could feel the tears seeping silently down her face. Not even the refs seemed to notice her lying on the ground. They all had thought that Alyssa Moscovitz was unbreakable with bones of steel. It was Phillip, her 10-year-old little brother, who noticed Alyssa hurt. He ran on to the field and straight at Alyssa. Her head was down and he could see her tear streaked face. He knew the second he saw her that it wasn't from the rain.
"Lyss," he cried, "Are you ok?"
"No," she answered truthfully "I feel stuck to the ground, I can't move, and it's getting har-d to breathe"
By now everyone had noticed Phillip crowding around his sister. The medical assistant ran on to the field. Some of Trinity's players took a daring glance at the opponents hurt player. A circle had already formed around Alyssa. Chloe had thrown off her equipment and ran on to the field. She held her brother's shoulders so he wouldn't be in the way of the medusa. Cali held her breath and Reilie gasped. They all watched as the once undefeatable player was carried off the field.
Diary of Alyssa Moscovitz
Mom mailed this journal to me as my last birthday present. Funny to think that me Alyssa Moscovitz would ever enjoy writing something down. I know my mother is working in Genovia. Ever since her grandmother died she's had tons of extra work. What she does exactly I don't know but I do know she's in politics. She's coming down in a few days and Dad says she's going to stay a while.
I'm in the hospital right now getting a lovely cast for my broken leg. That means no more soccer. NO MORE SOCCER. I'M GONNA MISS THE WHOLE SEASON. NOT TO MENTION IM GOING TO BE ON CRUTCHES.
O BOY. School starts tommorow. High School. I'm soo nervous but I think I'll be ok. It's just going to be finding my way around. Plus I get the elevator. very awesome. Chloe's looking at me in a sort of weird way. She dosen't look to good. Phillip's playing tic-tac-toe with dad as we wait for the doctor to come back in. She's here enough said
Alyssa
Alyssa's Diary
Just got my cast on. It's white a pearly white. I let Chloe sign it first but I told her she had to write small. Phillip and Dad signed too. Tommorow we're taking the subway to school, like always except we have a different stop than last year. It's going to be me, Bee (Bridget), Chloe, and Reilie. Not to mention Reilie's really cute brother who's a junior (Ryan), my arch-enemy Juliana Zacharias, the cheerleader and a girl from her "posse" named Amelia. Theirs also the super cute and super smart sophmore named Trevor that Chloe's had her eye on since 6th grade and his younger brother Oliver. I'm excited.
Did you ever know how hard it was to walk on crutches. You need so much upper body strength. I'm gonna go see if I can get some advil from Dad.
Later
So what do you think? Submit review. see juss click the button and ill update sooner.k Bail
I started this story before I went on vaca.while I was there I had some better ideas and I didn't like the way I formatted it. so here it is, we still have all the same characters I introduced (Chloe, Phillip, Alyssa etc etc.) Coming back I tried out for fh and I got hurt which is why I have a huge gap of time now to bring u this story. I'm gonna relate what I'm going through right now to one of the characters. If you like my second attempt review. if you hate it review. but what's great about this site is that everyone is aspiring writers and whether your 14 (me!) or 20 you can get a glimpse of what being an author is like. and right now that's all I need. so my second attempt and my 2nd fic sounds pretty promising to me. And all those who think asking for reviews is un-necessary, I agree with what you say that you should write a story because you love it not because others want you too. So review if you want, it helps me realize what I need to do to fix my story.but don't flame me for asking for reviews. all flames are good for is roasting marshmellows. O here's another tidbit, I'm having the kids keep their father's name because they don't know they are royalty. So here it is
TAKE TWO
Chapter One the Game
It was a rainy over cast day, but despite the weather, The Einstein Lions were in for their first scrimmage of the season. Against their rivals, The Trinity Treasures.
"Alyssa," Coach Euwin called. "You're in for Allister."
Alyssa jumped up making her shoes were tied and took a drink of water before running out in the field to join her teammates. She motioned to Cali that she was in for her and took her place at center midi. Alyssa loved when the pressure was on her. She loved making everyone around her see her talent and she loved showing off. She knew it got to the better of her sometimes. The rest of the girls didn't mind Alyssa's talent. They were a close knit team consisting of only 12 girls. Alyssa played center midi. Her twin sister Chloe played goalie. Cali Allister was a versatile player; she could play anywhere she was needed. Reilie O'Brien was Alyssa's best friend. they both had winning instinct. Reiles played left midi. Bridget Jensen, was another close friend of Alyssa's and likewise she played to the right side of Alyssa. The rest of the team consisted of Elizabeth and Starr Richter, Josie Showalter, Carly Miller, Justina Tsu and Annaeliese Pelowski but everyone just called her Pele. The played their games on the JV team on a field in Central Park.
The Einstein Lions quickly took the lead 2-0 with goals by Pele and Cali. Alyssa wasn't feeling 100% and was quickly pulled only to be quickly replaced. She dribbled the ball around one of the Trinity Treasures defense line. She saw she had no shot but faked left, faked right and then went left. She set Reilie up only to be bombarded seconds later. She fell hard. Gianna Thomas, the largest and most aggressive player on Trinity crashed into Alyssa and landed on her ankle. hard. "Foul," Coach Euwin called "Foul". While she was busy jumping up at the referee, Alyssa felt a weird sensation in her ankle. She could feel the tears seeping silently down her face. Not even the refs seemed to notice her lying on the ground. They all had thought that Alyssa Moscovitz was unbreakable with bones of steel. It was Phillip, her 10-year-old little brother, who noticed Alyssa hurt. He ran on to the field and straight at Alyssa. Her head was down and he could see her tear streaked face. He knew the second he saw her that it wasn't from the rain.
"Lyss," he cried, "Are you ok?"
"No," she answered truthfully "I feel stuck to the ground, I can't move, and it's getting har-d to breathe"
By now everyone had noticed Phillip crowding around his sister. The medical assistant ran on to the field. Some of Trinity's players took a daring glance at the opponents hurt player. A circle had already formed around Alyssa. Chloe had thrown off her equipment and ran on to the field. She held her brother's shoulders so he wouldn't be in the way of the medusa. Cali held her breath and Reilie gasped. They all watched as the once undefeatable player was carried off the field.
Diary of Alyssa Moscovitz
Mom mailed this journal to me as my last birthday present. Funny to think that me Alyssa Moscovitz would ever enjoy writing something down. I know my mother is working in Genovia. Ever since her grandmother died she's had tons of extra work. What she does exactly I don't know but I do know she's in politics. She's coming down in a few days and Dad says she's going to stay a while.
I'm in the hospital right now getting a lovely cast for my broken leg. That means no more soccer. NO MORE SOCCER. I'M GONNA MISS THE WHOLE SEASON. NOT TO MENTION IM GOING TO BE ON CRUTCHES.
O BOY. School starts tommorow. High School. I'm soo nervous but I think I'll be ok. It's just going to be finding my way around. Plus I get the elevator. very awesome. Chloe's looking at me in a sort of weird way. She dosen't look to good. Phillip's playing tic-tac-toe with dad as we wait for the doctor to come back in. She's here enough said
Alyssa
Alyssa's Diary
Just got my cast on. It's white a pearly white. I let Chloe sign it first but I told her she had to write small. Phillip and Dad signed too. Tommorow we're taking the subway to school, like always except we have a different stop than last year. It's going to be me, Bee (Bridget), Chloe, and Reilie. Not to mention Reilie's really cute brother who's a junior (Ryan), my arch-enemy Juliana Zacharias, the cheerleader and a girl from her "posse" named Amelia. Theirs also the super cute and super smart sophmore named Trevor that Chloe's had her eye on since 6th grade and his younger brother Oliver. I'm excited.
Did you ever know how hard it was to walk on crutches. You need so much upper body strength. I'm gonna go see if I can get some advil from Dad.
Later
So what do you think? Submit review. see juss click the button and ill update sooner.k Bail
