Note In the context of After Today, this chapter would be 'Chapter 39a'
I get the kids out of the car and then I go round to the back to fetch their things out of the boot.
Amy must've been looking out for us – I'd let Leah phone her when we were nearly here – because she's at the door already and when Leah and Lucas see her they go running up to her for a Mummy-hug.
"Hiya," I say when I've brought the bags.
She smiles and gives me a hug too.
"You coming in?"
"Only for a minute. I can't stop long cos I've got me shift, in't I."
Her Simon is out round his mum's putting her some shelves up, Amy says. It's quite nice having her to myself, like, just her and the kids. And the kids are good actually. They're tired enough that they're nice and quiet but not so tired that they're getting mardy.
"Have you had a nice weekend?" Amy asks them when we're sat down with a cuppa. They both say yes, and they tell her about going to the park and feeding the ducks, and Lucas tells her about how we all watched Harry Potter. When they tell her which Harry Potter one it was, Amy's surprised. "That's the one you don't like," she says to Lucas, "Isn't it? It's the one we always turn off before the scary part."
"It is scary," says Lucas, "But Brendan was there so I didn't mind."
I feel like jumping up when he says that, and doing a dance or something. Because she knows Lucas means it, Amy does – she must do, she must know there's no way I could've told him to say it – and it's like, another thing for her to know about what Brendan's like. Another thing that's ordinary and good.
It's important.
Lucas doesn't say anything about getting shouted at, I'm glad to say. Hopefully he's too embarrassed about being naughty and getting himself told off, and he knows he deserved it so he won't want his mum knowing and giving him a telling off of her own. I'm a bit worried it's going to slip out though, or Leah might talk about it, and in the car on the way here I nearly said something to them. Something like, your mum doesn't need to know about Lucas being silly and Brendan telling him off. But I didn't. I don't want a bollocking from Brendan, do I, if he found out I'd told Leah and Lucas to keep a secret from their mum. He won't have that. So I'll just be keeping my fingers crossed that it's blown over.
At least I know they won't tell Amy they had all them sweets before me and Brendan were even out of bed this morning. They wouldn't chance grassing on us in case we gave them a sweets ban. They're not daft.
They go off for a minute and when they've gone I say to Amy, "It's nice that you and Brendan are getting on a bit better nowadays."
"Are we?"
"You know you are. Not ripping chunks out of each other, are you."
"I suppose."
"Leah and Lucas love him."
"I can see that."
"I love him."
"Alright, Steven. Fine. I'm getting on a bit better with him."
"Good."
"It's just..."
"Oh, here we go."
"He's so... big." She sees my face and smacks me on the knee. "I don't mean that. And I don't mean..." So then she does a sort of muscle-man-shoulders action. "I mean, when he's around he... takes up so much room."
"He was only sat on the sofa, Ames."
"I can't explain. It's a... an aura, only auras are meant to be light, aren't they? Oh I don't know, I don't know about auras, but anyway, his isn't light, it's more like this weight comes into the room with him. All the things he's done. It's oppressive, that's the word."
"All the things that's been done to him, you mean."
"Alright. That as well, maybe. Which is not his fault, obviously. But it's all just there, and I don't know how you can stand it all the time."
"It's not like that though. Not for our Leah and Lucas and not for me neither. You saw him yesterday. Was he being off... opp..."
"Oppressive."
"Oppressive. When we was mucking about, having a laugh? No. Admit it, Amy, go on."
"He wasn't being it. He just brings it, it clings to him, even if he's 'mucking about'. It wasn't just things they'd read in the papers that stirred everyone up at school, it was seeing him in the flesh. Both of you together like..."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Like... Androcles and the lion. Oh I don't know, Ste. Can we talk about something else?"
"I don't even know what you're on about. Who's Androcles?"
"Ask him. He'll know."
I really don't know what she's on about.
"You can't say he ain't changed," I say. "You do know he has, Amy, cos I know you, don't I, and I know for a fact you wouldn't be okay with the kids being with us if you didn't know that Brendan's different now."
She sighs. It's about the millionth time we've had this same conversation since Brendan came home, and maybe she's as sick and tired of it as I am, because then she says, "I do know they're safe with him." And before she has a chance to say But, I grab her and give her a big kiss. She rolls her eyes but she sort of smiles, and then she tells me to get off to work in case I get in trouble for being late. She doesn't say it like she actually thinks I'll be in trouble. She's just joking.
I think she's starting to get it now. Us. I mean, obviously she'll never understand what we've got, me and Brendan, but then how can she? How can anyone?
:::::::
I've gone straight to the kitchen when I've got to work as I am a bit late – just parked the car at home and legged it – but I send a quick text, I'm here xx, just so he knows.
Good lad.
It's stupid, but it makes my tummy go funny when I read that. I wonder if it still will when I'm, like, fifty and he's sixty.
:::::::
There's usually a last rush of orders, so before that happens I make up a plate for Brendan. Just titbits from the menu, but lots of them because he'll be hungry by now. I text him to say it's ready, and he's here in one minute flat.
"You're quick off the mark. You been waiting for me to feed you?" I say to him. "I would'a done you something earlier if you'd asked."
"No, just good timing. First chance I've had to get away."
"Busy night? That's what Alicia said an' all, when she was in here for her break."
"Yep. We're a man down as well, which doesn't help."
"Yeah, Alicia said."
"Okay."
"It's in the oven keeping warm." I get it out and put it on the side for him. "Mind, the plate's hot."
"You gonna join me?"
"Might nick some of yours."
"Be my guest."
I cut some bread, and I put some olive oil and balsamic in a little bowl for dipping and take it over to Brendan, and we stand side by side at the worktop and have our snack.
"Greedy guts," I say, because he's shovelling it down. I like watching him eat though, specially when it's something I've made him.
Kwame comes in – the security bloke – with this little jar in his hand. He puts it down at the other end of the counter from us, like he thinks he's interrupting.
"My mum's spice I told you about," he says.
"Thank you. I didn't know if you would remember." I go and pick it up and unscrew the lid for a sniff. "Smells amazing. Tell her I said thanks, yeah, and I'll try it out in some recipes as soon as I can."
"No problem."
"Cheers, mate." Then when he's gone I say to Brendan, "We was talking about his mum and that. In the week. About his mum's cooking. He said she makes up this spice mix that her mum got from her mum, and I said that sounds interesting cos it's different spices from what I'm used to, like, Indian ones or whatever. Cos she comes from Ghana, his mum does. So it's African spices. So he said he'd bring me some in, and he did... Am I being boring talking about cooking? You're looking at me funny."
"This ain't my bored face. This is my impressed face."
"Oh, right." I feel like I'm blushing a bit, but it's hot in the kitchen so hopefully he'll think it's that.
He looks round at the door, then he turns back to me and gives me a kiss.
:::::::
I'm finished in the kitchen, all cleaned up, and I've changed out of my work trousers back into my jeans. There's no point going home on my own because he'll be finished too in about an hour as it's a Sunday, so I may as well wait to go home together.
I go out from the kitchen to behind the bar, and there's literally loads of punters wanting serving, so I offer to help out and the girls say yes, so then there's three of us and it makes it easier, plus the time goes faster. I give Brendan a smile when I see him notice what I'm doing, and he winks at me.
He's got my favourite suit on, the really dark grey one. He got it in a shop but they altered it for him, so it looks like it was made for him. Like, when he does the button up of the jacket it's all fitted nicely, so you can see how massive his shoulders are.
:::::::
They have this thing at the club when it closes of a night, where everyone takes it in turns to pick some music to play while they're doing the clearing up. I've only been here for this bit a few times, but it's always different. It's nice. I don't know who started it but it was what they did before Brendan took over, and he's let it carry on. The only rule is that whoever's turn it is, no one can tell them to change what they've chose. Even if it's opera, or Johnny Cash.
Soph's brought in a bit of Bruno Mars. Bit cheesy, but it's alright.
There's a few of us so it doesn't take long, not even the money because Brendan and Maria do that every hour so there's not all that much counting left for them to do at the end of the night. Plus most people pay by card nowadays, not like it was in Chez Chez. He used to like people paying in cash, Brendan did.
He comes over when he's locked up the office.
"Makes a change," he says, "You doing your fair share of the clear-up instead of skiving off."
"Oi, d'you mind? I clean the whole kitchen on me own every night."
He shrugs, like, So? but he's only winding me up. If we were on our own I'd tell him to shut up, or I'd say, Don't you like me waiting for you in bed when you get home, then? But work is different. I wouldn't take the piss or say anything that's private, in case anyone else starts thinking they can do it too, because they can't. He's the boss, right, and he's got his image.
Anyway we're finished now and he's sent everyone off and it's just us left and Harry, and Alicia because Harry's giving her a lift. Me and Alicia start dancing, just having a laugh, and I'm thinking Brendan will switch the music off any second. Oh you know, you know I'd never ask you to change. If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same. I lift Alicia's hand up in the air and she does a twirl under our arms and I look over at Brendan. He's stood there with his arms folded, watching.
Alicia dances herself off to see if Harry wants a go. I stay where I am; no point trying it with Brendan.
He shakes his head at me, What are you like? kind of thing. I just smile. Then the music goes, And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while... And it makes me laugh.
"Okay, lady and gents," Brendan says. "We've all got homes to go to."
:::::::
It's nice and cool walking home, after the hot day and the hot kitchen and the hot nightclub.
We're nearly home. It's coming up to one o'clock in the morning, which means it's a new week because it's Monday now, and I ask Brendan if he knows what that means. He doesn't, apart from it's our day off, so I tell him.
"It means the holiday is next week." I look at him, and then I look up at the sky over the roofs behind him because the moon is really bright, and then I look at him again. "Is it a full moon? It looks really big."
"Beautiful," he says. He doesn't turn round to look at it though.
:::::::
His hand is on my back going up the stairs, then on my bum.
He goes to the bathroom first. When I hear him in the shower I go in and brush my teeth, and then I take my toothbrush head off and put his on for him, and then he's out of the shower and wrapping a towel round his waist.
"I've done your toothbrush," I say.
He thanks me and comes over to the sink.
I get on the loo, and he says, "Jesus, Steven, can you not take a dump while I'm cleaning my teeth?"
"Shut up, I'm saving time."
"Honeymoon's fucking over, that's for sure." He's got toothpaste foam on his beard.
"You wouldn't be complaining if I was having a wee, would you, you'd be looking at me willy."
"I'm going. I'll see you in bed." He takes off his towel and chucks it at me, and he stands there just long enough to let me see that Big Bren's getting up.
I dive in the shower just quickly. Dry myself with Brendan's towel and leave it there.
He's in bed with his bedside light on reading his poems book, but he puts it down when I come in and he gets out of bed. He strokes his hands down both my arms and when he gets to my wrists he holds them – quite tight – and he kisses me.
"Amy said you're big."
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah. Not that."
"You sure?"
I kiss him.
"Not just that. She said you take up a lot of room, like, an aura. Something like that."
"Drinks during the day, does she, when we've got the kids?"
"Oh, who's Andocles? She said you'd know."
"Who? Androcles?"
"That's it, yeah. Androcles and a lion. She said that's us."
"Okay."
He puts his arms round me still holding my wrists so my hands are crossed behind my back. I'm pressed up against him. I can feel the hairs on his chest and his pubes, and his thing is getting harder. So is mine. And his breathing is noisy, like growling or something, like an animal, and I can feel it on my neck, and his tongue and his teeth like he's tasting me.
He turns me round so I'm facing the bed. He's behind me and he kisses my neck where it tickles. It makes me laugh and cringe, so he takes my mind off it by reaching round and playing with me. I stop laughing and start saying things. I don't know what. Maybe it's just noises.
"Kneel on the bed," he says.
I kneel on the bed.
He holds my hip and puts his other hand between my shoulders and pushes me forward so I'm on all fours. He's still behind me. He's stroking my bum and the back of my leg, and I know what's coming from the way he's stroking, like he's feeling for the bit where there's the most flesh because that'll be his target. I've tensed up – I can't help it – so then he's rubbing and squeezing like a massage to make the muscles relax, because when he slaps it he likes it soft not tense. Then he does it. It stings. I say Ow. Then he touches my bum cheek again, like, checking if it's relaxed – and it is now, because I'm good at this, me – and he slaps it again twice more. Then he rubs it then he kisses it.
"Am I gonna fuck you?" he says, and I nod my head, and he says, "I want you. See?"
I look round. His dick is standing up. I can see the veins on the underneath, and the end of it is shiny from the precum that's come out of it. I can imagine it inside me just from looking at it.
I say to him, "You gonna get on with it or what?"
He laughs, then he gets the lube. It's cold but he warms it up, stood there behind me, spreading it with his fingers. Then he's straight in, and it's like, we fit. He knows, and I know. There's that burn when he stretches me and then I push back and he pushes forwards and I wait for that feeling, like my insides are changing for him, fitting around him. He fills me up. It feels like he's the opposite of me but the same as me.
He's holding both my hips now, and he sort of lifts them as he's thrusting. His thing is rubbing the place in my bum that kills me, and I'm saying things, Bren, Bren, fuck, and my arms give out and I fall forward but he's still got me by the hips so he's still in there. I want to kiss him. I look round, and he knows what I want. He gets out of me and I turn over, and he pulls me up by my hands. I've got jelly legs but it's okay because he hugs his arms round me so I'm not going to fall back down, and we kiss. We kiss loads. He's squeezing me. His fingers are digging in, like, in between my ribs.
"You're all bones," he says. "Jesus."
"I can't help it."
He kisses me again. My face will be sore in the morning but that's okay.
"You don't need to help it. You're fucking..." He steps beck from me and looks down my body. I feel naked. I mean, I am naked, obviously, but the way he's looking at me I feel X-rayed more like.
"I better finish you off," I say. "Go on, lie down."
He lies on his back and I kneel over him, and sit on his dick. I'm still open, to be honest, so it's easy. It still makes my breathing go in, like, gulps.
"Sit still," he says, "Yeah?" and he wanks me off, and I come all over his chest, and it makes me laugh. Then I start riding him properly. I've still got jelly legs so I put my hands on his chest for strength – it's wet and sticky – and it's good because I can feel his heart going crazy and I can feel his voice vibrating which is even better than just hearing it. It's like a roar when I jerk my hips a last few times and make him come.
I squeeze tight while I'm lifting myself off him. I like how it feels. I like the noise it makes when it falls out and slaps down on his belly.
We don't bother cleaning up because the sheets are due changing tomorrow anyway. We just cuddle up. I think I drop off before he does because the last thing I remember is a kiss on my forehead, and his fingers and thumb just stroking – so light I can hardly feel it – my cheek, my backbone, my ribs.
:::::::
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cos you're amazing
Just the way you are
