Nothing Cut & Dry
~FawkesRises
Disclaimer: don't own anything from the O.C., some other lucky people do.
Rating: PG-13 to R, my mouth (and mind) needs washing *grin*
AN: Lalala…just something I did over the weekend. Prolly not the best I've done, but it's something. Blame it all on boredom, money, and the need for some new CDs. This is slash (what else would it be coming from me???) so if you don't go that way, don't read this way.
To the Tune Of: "Two Angels and a Dream" ~Depswa
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In between.
In limbo.
Either way, Ryan is caught up in something he has no idea how to get out of. Or even if he wants to get out of it.
He's caught somewhere between light and dark. Between his old life and his new one. Between Luke and Seth.
Luke is everything Ryan is used to. He's rough and harsh and painful. With him everything is about having power over someone else. Ryan knows how to deal with that. Ryan just thinks of him as just another hard fuck. There's nothing but heat and sweat and lust. No feelings, no words. And no kissing. That was Luke's rule. Absolutely no kissing. Not that Ryan cares. He doesn't even care about the dirty feeling he gets when he's with Luke. Ryan only wants Luke so he can forget.
Because Luke is like being drunk. Ryan can give up all control and lose himself. He can fall back into that black void and when he wakes up, he can't remember all the things that haunt him when he closes his eyes.
But Ryan can't forget all the time…
Seth makes Ryan remember. What it's like to be happy, to feel, to be alive. Seth is like sunlight. He's soft and pure and gentle. With Seth, nothing is about control because Seth isn't like Luke-he doesn't want that, doesn't need that. Being with Seth doesn't make Ryan feel unclean.
Seth doesn't have a rule about kissing. And when Seth kisses him, Ryan doesn't need to forget the bad because he can only remember the good.
Ryan knows what he's doing is wrong.
He's using Luke. But Luke's using him. It's a fair trade as far as Ryan's concerned. He doesn't mind being used. And he knows that no matter what he does, it won't make any difference to Luke. So he doesn't feel bad about going to Seth.
Seth is the only one Ryan worries about hurting. Because Ryan thinks he might love Seth. He worries Seth might love him.
He feels bad about leaving him to be with Luke. He wishes he could stay and never need Luke again, but he can't. And he will. Because he can't remember all the time…
And Ryan's scared that Seth knows—and kisses him anyway.
Ryan doesn't know which place he belongs in, which person he belongs with. Sometimes he needs to lose himself, and he can't do that with Seth. Seth is too close, he doesn't need to be burdened with Ryan's demons. So Ryan needs Luke. But he loves Seth. He can't seem to live without either one. He doesn't think he wants to.
He wonders if this is what a shade of gray feels like.
