To lose someone you love is the hardest thing you'll ever go through.
Been given a second chance is the greatest gift you'll ever receive.
Putting these two things together will be the greatest challenge of your live.
Making it work will lead to the greatest reward.

2185 Horizon

"Don't let them get away!"

The grumpy mechanic shouted right into her face, pointing wildly up at the already vanishing Collector Ship above.

Shepard didn't really pay him much attention. There was nothing she could do now to stop them from kidnapping half of the people from Horizon. She couldn't afford to dwell on such things, she'd saved the other half, that had to be enough, for now.

"I did what I could." she responded shortly, letting her gaze sweep over the housings, looking for something, or rather someone. The mechanic clearly caught the dismissive tone in her voice and glared openly at her.

She didn't care. She was used to people shouting at her, it happened more often than not, someone telling her "Thank you for saving my ass." was quite a rarity. But the ones that thanked her, were more than enough to keep her going. She didn't do what she did because she was after peoples approval, she did what she had to do, because she was able to. Because someone had to do it.

Some people, usually the ones who did not know her, might even go so far to call her cold hearted, especially in these kind of situation. But they didn't know her. That cool behaviour she usually wore, was born out of pure self preservation. Someone had to make the tough calls, even when it meant to decide who lives or dies.

It was harder for her than she'd ever let on but she endured it and kept pulling through, time and time again, that was the cost that came with being a leader. People depended on her, and her ability to make those damned decisions. She couldn't afford, not even for a minute, to let herself think of the 'What ifs'. It would destroy her, and she knew it.

"You did more than most, Shepard." she heard Garrus reassuring voice from behind her. She flashed him a quick grateful smile. He knew, too.

"Shepard? I've heard that name before..." the mechanic looked a little confused. As realisation began to dawn on him.

"Jane Shepard, Commander of the Normandy" a knew, very familiar, voice spoke up from behind the crates that lined the edges of the buildings. "First human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel." The tall, lean man, coming towards them concluded.

Jane's heart almost skipped a beat when she heard Kaidan's voice for the first time in what had felt like an eternity, and she couldn't help the radiant smile that crept across her face when she looked straight into his handsome face, with the dark thick hair and the sun-coloured eyes, she had missed so much. She felt like coming out into the first sunlight after an endlessly cold winter.

Kaidan stopped right in front of her, a small smile tugging at the corner of his full lips. And their eyes locked. Emerald green on honey gold. She could feel his biotics buzzing right on the edge of hers, not quite touching yet, but it filled her with a kind of joy, a familiarity, no one else, accept another biotic could begin to understand. Every biotic field was unique, it felt different, individual, like a fingerprint of the person who owned it.

She had been waiting for this moment, since she woke up, confused and hurting all over, in the Cerberus facility. She had dreamt about it for month now, there was so much she wanted to tell him.

That she had missed him so much, that she wouldn't know what to do without him. That he made her feel strong, unbeatable, complete. That she loved him, she always wanted to say it out loud, she never had the chance, but this time...she would.

She was utterly speechless for a moment when all her, usually, carefully guarded emotions for him welled up, like a crashing of waves on dry rock, tumbling and falling. Her biotics stirred wildly and threatened to rise to the surface. It took a tremendous effort from her side to keep them in check and not to flare brightly in front of everyone.

She wanted to hug him, kiss him, lay in his arm, feeling his touch, his warmth, his body. Seeing his reassuring smile whenever she doubted herself. She wanted desperately to tell him about everything that happened to her, tell him about how confused she still felt, after her near death experience, no, after her being dead for two years. She wanted to cuddle up in his arms and forget about all of it, to feel save again, and loved. She needed that now, more than ever. If anyone could understand her, it would be him.

Kaidan had been the only person in the whole, god damn, galaxy she had ever talked to about her past. Growing up as an orphan on earth, never having a real home, never having a family to go to. It had been hard to open up about it at first, but he had always been listening, never prying at her. He had become that family for her in the year they had spent serving together on the SR-1.

And finally, on the night before Ilos, they had given up pretending that they had no deeper feelings for each other. She would never forget that blissful moment when he had kissed her for the first time. It had felt like drowning in cool water after spending a week in the desert. Time had stopped for them that night. It had felt like finally coming home.

There were no words to describe the tumbling and overwhelming emotions that went through her, all at once, in the matter of a single heartbeat.

"Kaidan." she finally managed to say in a trembling voice, putting all her love and feelings for him in the single sound of his name.

She hoped he would hear it, would understand.

"It's good to see you. How have you been?" she wanted to say more, but she was still to caught up in her emotions and trying to keep herself from visibly trembling.

As dazed as she was she didn't recognise the defensive position he took by crossing his arms over his chest.

After a long moment he finally spoke again.

"Is that all you have to say?" his voice was also trembling, but more with rage than anything else.

Wait, what?

"I thought you were dead." he continued speaking, not noticing her sudden confusion. "We all did. And you just show up after two years acting like nothing has happened?"

The tone of his voice and the anger beneath, wrenched her back to reality, almost painfully.

She felt like a bucket of ice water had been emptied over her head. Her hand, that had already started to reach out for him, froze in mid-air.

She blinked several times, utterly confused. He waited a moment, watching her with an intensity that almost cut through her.

"I thought what we had was real. I loved you Shepard." He huffed angrily. "Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you do this to me?"

Jane looked stunned, speechless again. You've loved me?Like, not anymore? Why are you acting like this. What is happening here?

"I-"

"Why didn't you contact me?" He broke in. "Let me know you were alive? How could you put me through that?" his voice was rising, and he was gesturing wildly now.

"But-" she started again, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. She was desperately trying to figure out what was going on. Struggling to find her voice again.

This wasn't at all how she had imagined their reunion. Everything was wrong. His words cut through her like a knife, twisting and turning.

"I was clinical dead, Cerberus brought me back and-" she finally managed to explain before he interrupted her again.

"Cerberus hm? Yeah I heard about that." he cut in again. "You're working for the enemy now."

It wasn't a question, it was an accusation.

"You've changed Shepard, you're not the woman I used to know. The Jane I knew would never have worked for them. I don't know who you are."

If she had thought the things he said before had hurt, it was nothing compared to the feeling of dread and loss she felt in that instant.

"I'm not working for them, I am-" she tried again, her voice faltering, a lump rising up in her throat threatening to suffocate her. Keep it together Jane!

"Don't fool yourself Shepard, of course you are." he glared at her, actually glared.

She looked at him, eyes wide in shock. She wanted nothing more than to turn and run in that moment. This wasn't what she had expected, this was more than she could bare. She would happily fight a reaper right now, no, thousands of them, rather than see Kaidan looking at her like this. Angry, and...spiteful? No, he wouldn't.

"You know what they are like, what they have done. We've seen it. You remember Noveria? Kohoku? The experiments they did? Have you forgotten them? Or are you just to damn stupid to remember?"

That did it. How dare he talk to her like that. Her instincts finally kicked in and she drew herself up to her full hight, standing straight with her chin held high. Glaring back at him. Wrapping herself in the knowledge of who she was. Commander Jane Shepard, an N7, Hero of the god damned Alliance, first human fucking Spectre and skilled Adapt.

Her biotics flared and bathed her in a comforting blue corona. She saw Kaidan flinch slightly when the biotic wave rolled over him but he did not step away. He stood his ground.

"Someone had to do something about the Collector attacks, they are targeting humans specifically."

"And that someone had to be you, of course." his tone was mocking and he rolled his eyes.

"Yes." she retorted angrily."The Alliance couldn't help them, I can. And I will stop them."

"Barely being alive again, and already having a death wish. You can't stop them on your own."

"I at least managed to save half the colony and you, from being kidnapped. What did you do in the meantime?"

Kaidan's jaw tightened and she felt his biotics rising in anger. His eyes flashed with flex of blue for a second, and she knew she had found a sore spot.

She did not feel entirely sorry for her words, he had it coming, after all, he had been the one causing her pain in the first place. That feeling lasted for almost two full seconds, before she felt bad again.

"I don't work for Cerberus, I use what ever help I can get to stop them. I thought you of all people would understand."

"I don't."

"I see." she said coolly.

After a moment of perpetual silence with much glaring on either side. Jane took a deep calming breath. Due to the fact that they still stood less than an arms length away from each other, she caught his scent when she inhaled. His musky aftershave, so familiar, mingled with the faint whiff of gunpowder and eezo, and the unmistakable fragrance that was him. Her gaze softened and she sighed. This was going nowhere, she needed to calm down and try to reason with him. Whatever his problem with her was, they could surely talk it out.

"Look Kaidan, I did not mean to hurt you. It's been a long time, I understand if you moved on and-"

"I did." he said shortly.

These two words felt like a blow to her. They hurt so much that she could swear she could hear the sound of her heart breaking, shattering, into million tiny pieces.

Something must have shown on her face, because his eyes suddenly dropped to the ground and she thought he looked guilty. When he started to turn away from her, she involuntarily reached out for him, but stopped before she touched him.

"At least I thought I did." it was almost a whisper.

The moment he turned his back on her, she felt panic rising up inside of her. She was losing, him, he was leaving her, for good. Please Kaidan, stop, listen to me, come with me. Don't...leave me behind.

"Don't go." she pleaded, her voice finally breaking, showing the pain she thought she had kept hidden. Jane instantly hated herself for the way that came out. Hoping no one had recognised it for what it was. She had never slipped like that before. This was his fault, it was all his fault!

"Goodbye Shepard. Take care..ok?"

"Fine, go! I don't care! I don't need you!" she shouted after him. You stupid dump-ass. You Idiot!

He stopped and stiffened at her words, his shoulders slumped a little, but after a moment he went on, without another word, or glance.

Jane watched him walk away, her eyes went blurry as she fought the tears coming up with everything she had left. She wouldn't cry, not for him, not for anyone, she wouldn't cry. Not now, not ever. She swallowed hard. Taking a moment longer to control herself.

Miranda who had been oddly quiet during her conversation with Kaidan. Came up to stand beside her.

"No loss if you ask me, he isn't that strong of a biotic anyway, L2 right. Not like you and me." she said mockingly.

Shepard turned on her in an instant, her biotics flaring again. She was done with keeping them back. Her eyes light up with flecks of blue light dancing around her iris like tiny stars and she glared at Miranda, staring her down. If she wouldn't know better, she thought she saw something like fear cross over the other woman's perfectly shaped features.

"Don't" was the only thing she could get out between clenched teeth.

Miranda took an involuntary step back from her and shrugged. "Whatever Shepard." was the only thing she said in return.

"Joker. Send the shuttle. I'm done with this planet!"

"Yes Commander. Did something happen? You sound like a starving Krogan on rampage?"

"Shut up, Joker"