A/N: One shot. This is set somewhere at the beginning of season 5 but AU. Sarah left in the middle of season two, and this is how Chuck copes in those three years. Angst a plenty, but I promise to make him happier at the end!

The day she left him, he didn't see how his world could ever be right again. She gave him no warning, no slight indication that this would be the last time he ever saw her face. If she had he would have memorised it better.

Because it's been three years now and slowly he finds it harder to remember her. He remembers how her eyes were the most beautiful blue he had ever seen, but he can't remember how they used to light up when he made her laugh. He remembers her smile, the one she used to make any man weak at the knees during their missions, but he can't remember the real one she reserved only for him. He remembers the gold of her hair, but he doesn't know the feel of it tickling his cheek.

He remembers Sarah Walker, super spy. But he doesn't remember her.

After she left he spent four days in bed, his head under the blanket, shut off from the world. It would have been longer, but Casey soon came around and demanded he get up.

"Come on, Bartowski," he'd said, pulling the curtains open to let in the light. "Beckman wants to see you."

And Chuck had moaned, pressing his face into the pillow. He expected Casey to drag him up by the back of his neck but the next thing he knew the mattress sunk and the older man sat down beside him.

"I miss Walker too."

If Chuck hadn't been feeling so horrible, he would have made some joke about Casey allowing his 'lady feelings' to surface. Instead, he turned his face to look at him and waited for him to continue.

"I get it," Casey said, still in that strange, soft tone. "I know what it feels like to lose someone because of this life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone… even an annoying moron."

"Thanks, Casey."

All he got was a grunt in return, as the man lifted himself off the mattress and Chuck assumed he was done sharing.

"Courtyard. Showered. Changed. Ten minutes," was all he said as he left the room, leaving Chuck again but making clear that he wasn't giving him anymore leeway.

He sighed, pushed himself up and rubbed his scratchy face. There was no getting away from the inevitable, he thought as he brushed the cheese balls from his clothes.

The meeting with Beckman had gone pretty much as Chuck had expected it to. The General had told him strictly that he was to be done wallowing; they had a new mission.

"Just because Agent Walker is gone it doesn't mean that this team is to be any less functional. Understood?"

"Yes m'am," Chuck had replied dolefully.

"Good," she said. "And Bartowski, you understand that under no means must you make any attempts to contact Agent Walker? She requested transfer for a reason and you need to accept that."

Chuck nodded, not sure he could trust himself to speak.

"I'm sorry, Chuck." He looked up sharply, and for a moment he could see something else in the General's stern look. Was it sympathy? But then she cut the line and he was left staring at the screen.

So that was it. Sarah was gone, and he was never going to see her again. He wasn't allowed to contact her, although even if he was he doubted she'd speak to him. But was it too much for her to tell him goodbye?

He could feel himself falling inwardly and he felt Casey's hand on his shoulder.

"It gets easier," he muttered. "Not straight away, but it does."


"Really?" Sarah asked, laughing. "A whole month?"

They were sitting on the couch, after one of Ellie's delicious meals. Devon had his arm wrapped around Ellie and she was telling Sarah stories of Chuck when he was little.

"Hey," Chuck said, holding his hands up in defence. "I was five! Besides, Superman was a great movie; I was wearing a cape in support of it."

"He talked nonstop about it too," Ellie said to Sarah. "Mostly about how pretty Lois Lane was and how he was going to marry her."

"Did he now?" She raised her eyebrows at him. "Remind me again what Lois Lane looks like?"

"Urm…"Chuck stuttered. "Pretty I guess… brunette –"

"Why is it always brunettes?" Sarah asked with a grimace.

"It's not always brunettes! I mean they're pretty and everything but I think I probably prefer blonde more… at least recently because you're really beautiful, not that you wouldn't look great with brown hair too but I just…"

"Chuck." She cut him off with a quick peck on his lips. "You're spiralling."

He gave a strange look and she gestured with her eyes towards Ellie and Devon. Of course, it was just for the cover.

Feigning a laugh which probably came out more strained than he intended, he reached out an arm and wrapped it around her waist. He half expected her to pull away, but instead she came closer and snuggled into his chest. He could have even sworn he heard her give a soft sigh of contentment.

How could he have ever thought it was real?


Three years. Three years without her touch. Three years without her smile. Three years without her laugh.

At Casey's advice, Chuck had thrown himself into his work and his superiors were very impressed with the success of the Intersect. Two years ago, they had decided to train him as a full agent, so that he could defend himself and help Casey out and with Chuck's determination it hadn't taken long.

He had moved out of the apartment he shared with Ellie, and into another in the complex. Morgan had moved in with Casey's daughter, whom they had found about a week after Sarah had gone. Alex was good for Morgan, and after Casey had made it clear that he would break the bearded man's neck if he ever hurt her, the two were very happy together.

Chuck was happy for them too, but he couldn't help the niggling of jealousy he got in the back of his mind sometimes. In three years he hadn't allowed another woman to get close to him, and Ellie had even stopped setting him up with people. He was grateful; he didn't think he had it in him to keep going on these blind dates.

But as the days went on, and he forgot other pieces of her he began to realise that Casey had been right all those years ago. It took a long time, but it got easier.

Ellie and Devon were finally husband and wife and the wedding had been beautiful. They had been a bridesmaid short, but it didn't show because Ellie had thrown herself into making sure the space wasn't seen.

Chuck's niece, Clara, was nearing her first birthday now and she was the spitting image of his sister, the same dark eyes and hair with the signature Bartowski smile. It made him glad that he'd never have to forget her. She was his own little star, part of his family.

The mission that night had gone well, and when Chuck walks back into the courtyard with Casey they're both grinning. Casey's even laughed once or twice and when they reach his apartment he claps Chuck on the shoulder with a "See you tomorrow, Bartowski."

They've become close friends over the past few years and Chuck knows Casey will always have his back, just as he knows the older man will always have his. He'd never tell Morgan, but it's clear that he's got two best friends now.

It's when Chuck looks up that he sees her, and it's like no time has passed at all. Stood beside his front door she's wearing a dark blue dress; he's always loved that colour on her. Her blonde hair is a little longer, but she still wears it down and she's still Sarah.

Sarah.

But he doesn't know what to do. He's been so resigned to the fact that he's never going to see her again that he's unsure what to say. He stands, feet rooted to the ground as he stares at her like she's going to vanish. Because what do you say to the person who left you without a reason, without as much as a goodbye?

So when she offers a shy, "hey, Chuck," he realises that he can't deal with this. She doesn't get to just choose when to come and go in his life without caring that this is tearing him up. She doesn't have that right.

Forcing his feet to move, he walks straight up to his door without another glance at her. He fumbles in his pocket and draws out his keys, his hand shaking slightly as he moves to unlock the door

"Chuck."

He ignores her. He can't go through this again.

"Chuck, look at me."

No, he thinks. If he looks at her for too much longer it'll all come flooding back and all those things he's forgotten about her will return and it'll be so much harder when she leaves again. He can't do that.

"Chuck, please."

He's not sure what it is that finally makes him turn around. It might be that his heart is winning over his head, it might be the feel of her arm on his, but it's the vulnerability in her voice that seems the most likely. She's pleading with him. Sarah Walker, the strongest person he's ever known, is begging.

So he turns, slowly, and then he sees her. Really sees her. Her makeup is smudged as though she's been crying which makes no sense because Sarah Walker never cries. She's not standing as she usually does, tall and confident. She seems smaller somehow. But her eyes are the same. Those beautiful blue eyes are still there, the ones he often got lost in but didn't care if he was found again.

She was still Sarah.

"What do you want?" his voice comes out harsher than he expected but he's not sure he cares. She left him. "If you came to say goodbye you're about three years too late."

She shakes her head and a tear spills down her cheek. "I know you probably want an explanation."

"No," he says, surprising himself. "You left, I get it. You don't owe me anything." He began to turn back to the door.

Sarah bites her lip. "Please." And there it was again, that voice. The voice that made him hate himself for hurting her even though she had been the one that had left.

"I love you, Chuck."

"I said I get… what?"

She smiles shyly, but he can still see the fear in her eyes. "I love you, Chuck Bartowski. I love you so much."

It doesn't take anything else and she's in his arms, wrapped tightly in his embrace and he's never going to let her go again. And as he takes in the sweet scent of her hair, brings his lips crashing against hers and feels her smile against his mouth he knows, knows that he could never have really forgotten. Because she's his home.


The next morning he wakes with a weight over his heart. It isn't anything unusual; his heart's felt heavy ever since she left him. But when he opens his eyes and sees her head lying on his chest he feels a surge of warmth and for the first time in three years he really smiles.

He scoops her up in his arms and plants kisses everywhere he can reach. Sarah giggles and brings his head back to hers as she pulls him in for a kiss. With her pressed up to him tightly he can't help but know that everything is finally real; everything is finally right.

"You're back." He can't keep the smile off his face.

She shakes her head. "I'm home." And then she brings her lips crashing to his once more.