Her
Kate. Her name was Kate.
She was magnificent, brave, extraordinary. She was calm and cultured. Conscious of her courage and will, but never quite proud enough to say it aloud. She was always there, and that was what mattered. For all that she went through, the joy in those rare smiles she gave never seemed to falter. She believed in the joy, the glimpse of light at the end of that dark tunnel; a cheesy way to say she was an optimist at heart. Nine years of her and life only ever got better. A future with her was the always they both wanted. Always just happened to end far too soon.
When the detective finally surrendered her badge, that was when it ended. When her smiles faltered a little too often, when the spark of joy didn't shine quite so bright. When she made the decision that she was finished. Admirable is the only way to look at it. An extraordinary woman brought down by a crippling disease and yet her eyes never left the hope behind. Right until the end it was there and in the absence of everything else; Kate was still Kate. Magnificent, challenging, maddening, beautiful, extraordinary. Nothing will ever be enough to show the magnitude of her love and the impact of the always she left him with.
Me
Till death do us part, and for the time of our lives.
Death did us part Kate, and yet it still feels like you're here. Every morning I roll over and expect to find you lying next to me, complaining that I kicked you one too many times in my sleep. Your side of the bed is still empty. No one to fill it, no one able to fill it. I still seek the familiar smell of your coffee every morning, and even though I hate it now, I can't seem to let it go. Every little thing that reminds me of you, I want so much to push away, but I can't because I wasn't ready for you to leave. It was never your fault, it never will be your fault. Your strength was taken from you before you could use it. I watched your mind disappear, I watched you struggle while your body was rendered useless by the crippling blow life dealt you. I watched you leave me, I watched you find peace.
Kate, there will never be enough words to show you what you meant to me. The always we had, the always you left me with. You were brave, strong, beautiful. You were everything.
You
To you she would've been Mom.
A little flutter of life. A smile on your Mom's lips so wide that even I couldn't help but giggle at her, that was when I knew how amazing a Mom she would be to you. You would've lay in her arms while she rocked you to sleep, found yourself reflected in her eyes. For everything that she was, you will one day become and looking at you now there's nothing of her that I will ever forget. You're only little but everything about you reminds me of her; your smiles, the way your tiny eyes drift shut when you're tired, the way you fight so hard not to go to sleep, the laugh you let out on the rare occasion I make you smile (mommy pretended not to like my jokes either). You make it hurt a little less. Your Mom left you her cheekbones, her eyes, her mouth, you got my nose and for that I'm sorry. She left you her words, her love and her heart. Your Mom left you all of these things, and for me she left you. Every day I wake up to her smile, her compassion, her love, her strength. Every day I wake up to her always, through you. You help me to remember that even on the worst days there is a possibility for joy. You help me to hope.
For you Lilly, I will be there
Always
