He was falling. And Dean couldn't grab him in time. Why did he let Sammy do this. Why! Each night he dreamt that dream and each night apart of Dean died. "You go live some normal apple
pie life Dean" Sams words haunted him "promise me you wont try and bring me back" But he couldn't keep that promise. How could he! Everyday he looked through book after book about
portals anything that had the words hell and cage in them was good enough for him but nothing, Dean made weekly trips to crossroads demons asking the same thing even begging and he got the same answer every time, No. He was barely living and wondered why Lisa kept him around, he was always getting drunk and he was never really present when lost in horrific
thoughts, memories of the past not all of them were bad though. Seeing Sammy smiling over his first A or how after every prank round came to an end he and Sam would just laugh it off
both secretly still thinking of the next round but each memory tore at his beaten heart to shreds.
But having Ben made him feel good eased his pain a little he protected Ben and it gave him hope but he didn't feel complete, a life with a family was what he wanted….right?
But he looked at the head lines of papers of killings that couldn't be explained and he wanted to help it was just in his nature but he couldn't, Dean was afraid of trying and failing Sam if he left this family….not his family.
No Deans family was dead. There was Bobby but Dean couldn't face him, the memory of him being killed and brought back were to painful to feel, Bobby was back and he was grateful to Cas for that but no one would bring back his Sam.
He wanted to scream at Cas to do something to bring Sam out and he had for the first few weeks when everything was to overwhelming to handle but the angel never came and he stopped calling after a while.
He could handle the pain now he built walls so he couldn't fully feel things but was glad for it but when night came he fought tooth and nail not to sleep but he always lost and the memories over whelmed him he would sometimes wake up calling for Sam and find Lisa instead who did her best to sooth him but nothing worked.
Most of the time though he just woke up crying and he would go to the garage and sit in this retired baby and let all the pain swell up with no one around it was ok and as soon as he had nothing left in him he built the walls back up and returned to this life one day it would go back to normal he hoped.
Dean scoffed a little what the hell does normal even mean?
