Everything That Can Go Wrong…
Chapter 1
By Selina Novella
Why is it always New York? Tony wondered as he flew, swerving around various sky scrapers and magical blasts. Why was it never Detroit or something? Or hey, why couldn't the big evil drop from the sky onto Westboro Baptist? That'd be hilarious. Shield might even have give Loki a medal for that. Fury's face would be priceless! Speaking of Fury…
"Give me a sit rep Stark!" Fury barked in Tony's ear, distracting him from his thoughts. Really, can't the guy talk without yelling?
"Well, we've got two crazy tricksters trying to outdo each other with magic tricks, Loki's turned the empire state building into a giant cheese sculpture, and the Mr Tumnus has given the Statue of Liberty a makeover – complete with mini skirt, hipster glasses, an ice cream cone and a tablet. Oh, and converse. Really big converse." Tony replied casually, spinning in mid air to dodge a purple blast that caused a tree in central park behind to him to start … was that singing? Sort of? And tap dancing.
The Avengers had been called in from the tower a couple hours ago, when reports of the most ridiculous use of magic Tony had ever heard of started pouring in. The Hulk was already off fighting flying washing machines with the odd dryer thrown in for good measure. A giant poodle had been seen running through Central Park, a dozen giant pink carrots were flying around shooting smaller carrots at air planes at LaGuardia airport, and the Mayor was stuck speaking only in limericks.
Honestly, Tony found most of it hilarious, and was not at all surprised to find out Loki was behind at least half of it. Since that first battle he'd understood Loki better than anyone else had. Better than Thor certainly did, and the two had lived as brothers for at least four thousand years from what Tony had pieced together. Loki just made sense to Tony, the way bombs did. Both were big and dangerous and exciting and Tony just knew what to do, how both ticked, how to disarm them, how to ride the explosion and it was 'd had several fights with Loki after he escaped from Asgard a few months after the chitauri invasion, and in each of them Tony had delighted in going head to head with the god. Loki had seemed to enjoy it too, seeking him out to trade insults and shoot at each other in equal measure. Thor always gave Tony sad looks after these battles. Tony shrugged it off. It wasn't his fault Thor just kept making the same mistakes over and over again. It seemed obvious to him. But then he could have been Loki far too easily. If he hadn't had Pepper, if not for Yensin. If it had just been Tony as he had been, Prince of America, Merchant of Death, betrayed by the man he considered father? Yeah. He could have been Loki. Hell, he could have been worse than Loki. As it was, he might be just a little bit evil. Just a teensy bit. 12% tops.
"Widow and I are evacuating civilians, but most seem to be more interested in pointing their phones at the battle." Steve said through the com, sounding frustrated at the apparent lack of self preservation.
"They're taking videos Cap." Clint said with a laugh over a large explosion heard behind him.
"You can do that?" Steve asked curiously
"Can we focus here, gentlemen?" Fury snarled
"Oh come on Fury, it's a bit old hat at this point." Tony protested "For every mission that's fighting evil alien death rays from dimensions of doom there's always these nutty ones. I mean how many times have we all ended up shrunk, dropped into another dimension, turned evil or whatever? I now have a closet in the tower devoted to those sorts of things. Do you know how hard it was to find a pair of Jimmy Choos for Pepper if she gets shrunk again?"
"I'm sure she appreciates your thoroughness." Natasha replied. "Civilians cleared on Fourth st. through Second st."
"Oh she always appreciates my thoughtfulness." Tony smirked, and then yelped as the unknown villain of the day teleported directly in front of him. He quickly regained his balance with the repulsors to avoid collision, and was left hovering, a flock of flying cars flying peacefully beneath them.
"Excuse me, but exactly who are you? You're interrupting The Game." The being asked with faux politeness. He had goat legs and a tail, with little horns peeping out of curly blonde hair, and pointed ears. And was floating. Can't forget that. And a British accent. What was up with villains and British accents? Even Loki had one, and he wasn't even human, much less British!
Tony blinked and raised the face mask. "You're kind of breaking my city, so you'll have to excuse my rudeness." He snarked back. "And who are you anyway?"
The man? God? Faun? Satyr? Was there a difference between fauns and satyrs? smiled and swept into a surprisingly graceful bow. "I apologize, but if I have offended," and here he smirked as though quoting something "think but this and all is mended…" He looked expectantly at Tony.
"Sorry, is that supposed to mean something to me?" Tony asked, genuinely confused.
The faun pouted. "I was told that your people still read of me. I am disappointed." He turned to look at Loki, who was perched on a (currently floating) billboard, catching his breath and watching them. "What fools these mortals be!" He giggled called to the god, obviously pleased with himself.
"I'm lost." Tony muttered into the com. What was up with this guy?
"He's Puck." Steve's voice whispered from his earpiece. "The quotes, they're from a Midsummer Night's Dream. Shakespeare."
"Is he evil?" Clint asks
"In the play he works for Oberon, the fairy king, and messes up his orders and just causes a lot of panic and confusion. But considering how inaccurate some of the Norse mythology is, I would take that with a grain of salt. He's also supposed to only speak in rhyme."
"He seems more the type to play tricks on purpose and pretend he was misunderstanding. And he's definitely not rhyming." Tony said, still hovering before the being and feeling rather vulnerable.
"Tread cautiously friend Stark!" Thor boomed into his com. "The Puck is a most fierce trickster. He is a member of the court of the fae. The Æsir do not tarry with such folk. They are fickle, easily angered and have great magic."
"You don't say…" Tony muttered nervously.
Puck turned back to Iron Man, and gave a vicious grin. "Since you have not heard of me, I shall introduce myself. I am sometimes called Robin Goodfellow, when amongst mortals. But as you are familiar with friend Loki, you may address me as Puck." He gave a flourishing bow before seemingly sitting on midair, crossing one furry leg over the other and leaning forward, his chin resting on one hand, looking thoughtful. "Tell me mortal, have you never heard of The Game?"
"Not unless I just lost it." Tony replied, using small gestures within the suit to alert Jarvis to start powering up the uni-beam.
Puck raised a puzzled eyebrow. "Mortals are so odd. Still, you present a challenge to the playing of The Game. One which, since friend Loki chose the venue, should have been mentioned. To do otherwise is against the rules." His eyes dart back to Loki, who very carefully does not look guilty.
"I assure you, I have no control over the actions of these mortals and monsters." Loki told him smoothly, not flinching when the Hulk roared somewhere in the background, followed by the sound of very enthusiastic smashing.
"No? After forty five hundred years you still can not anticipate your fool of a brother?" Puck asked coolly.
Loki bristled slightly at the accusation, Fury demanded to know what the fuck was going on and Tony lowered his helmet and blasted Puck full force with the uni-beam. It blasted the fairy through the nearest building, then the one behind that and left him in a melty puddle of cheese, imbedded in the cheddar Empire State building.
Loki looked horrified and gave an uncharacteristic "Shit."
"What?" Tony asked, glancing at him. "I got him didn't I?"
Then the cheese building exploded, leaving an angry Puck glowing a fierce red, and the smell of burnt cheese in the air.
"You got him angry." Loki corrected, looking alarmed. "As you Midgardians say - Good luck with that." And he started to teleport away only to be frozen midway through. Puck appeared before them so fast he seemed to teleport, the air hissing with the might of his rage. He snarled and said in that tone of voice that always says things are going to go to really badly for Tony,
"Foolish god of silly tricks
Ye find thyself in quite a fix
Ye lie to Puck and draw him out
into battle with warriors of great clout
but now the Puck has become wise
and will no more believe thy lies!
punishment instead shall be meted out
for the humiliation of this bout.
You and your human allies both
Shalt endure that which you fear most!"
So saying he waved a hand and there was a clap of thunder, a harsh blast of light in a sickly green color, burning pain and Tony knew no more.
When he wakes up it's in the SHIELD hospital and his first thought is 'Owww?'
His second thought is 'What's with the monkey in a lab coat?'
The monkey in question notices he's awake and holds up a white board, on which is written "Hello Mr Stark, I am doctor Stewart. I am not normally a Capuchin. You are in the Shield medical wing. Please do not panic."
Tony blinks. His doctor is a monkey. Ok. Weird, but he can roll with that. It's not the weirdest thing that's ever happened to him, even before he became Iron Man. So he opens his mouth and asks "Why would I panic?" only to cough in confusion. That's not his voice. Seriously. Definitely not his. His is deep and masculine and awesome. Not…
"You're a girl Tony." An amused looking little boy in the hospital bed next to him says.
"Oh hell no!"
End chapter 1
AN - this is already uploaded on ao3 so if you see it there, that's why. ;)
