Need

Disclaimer: No, they're not mine, if they were that ... travesty of a finale would have never, ever happened.

A/N: It's been a while since I posted but between RL and that finale, I haven't had time or the inclination to write. I actually started this story before the finale but afterwards I didn't even want to think about this show, much less write about it but there's been enough time now that I find I wanted to write again. This will be three chapters, the next one is done and the third one is all but done so there shouldn't be much of a wait. I have an idea for another one shot but I don't when or if I'll get to it because right now I'm completely obsessed with my first love: Bones. So, I think I'm going to finally write that sequel I've promised for a long time now. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I have no beta, so please forgive any errors and let me know what you think.


Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

"Grey, you're going to be late," Bailey said when Lexie rushed by the nurse's station.

"No, no, I won't" Lexie said as she reached the door to the residents' locker room. "I'll just be a sec," she called out as she walked in.

"Hey, Lex," Meredith smiled at her sister. "You overslept, huh?" she asked.

"Yeah," Alex grinned at the younger Grey. "I bet she was out partying late last night. Right, Lexie?"

"I wish," Lexie answered. She managed to throw a smile in Alex's direction. "No, I … just lost of track of time this morning. But I'll be ready in a sec."

"Well, you better hurry," Meredith told her before she followed the rest of the residents out of the door. "I'll try to stall Bailey for you," she offered with one last smile.

"Thanks," Lexie told her. She waited until everyone else had left before she finally let the smile she didn't feel fall from her face. She hung her bag on her locker and started to take her coat off but she stopped in the middle of it and just closed her eyes. She knew she had no time to lose but she just couldn't seem to muster the energy that morning.

She had had a late night but it wasn't partying that had kept her awake, it had been remembering that today was the anniversary of the night she went to Mark's hotel and seduced him by asking him to teach her. That had been three years ago and it had been more than two since they've been together for any significant amount of time. By any standard that was more than enough time to get over him and she was sure everyone but a handful of people, believed that she was over him. But she wasn't.

For a long time she'd believed that she could get over him but she'd just spent the last few weeks coming to terms with the fact that getting over him was just not possible. She still loved him and always would because he was the love of her life. That meant he was never far from her thoughts but last night she hadn't been able to stop to thinking about him and remembering all the good times they'd had together.

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me
Everyday I wipe my tears away

She sighed softly before she opened her eyes and hurried to finish changing. She was done a few moments later and, placing her stethoscope around her neck, she turned to leave. She'd only taken a couple of steps, however, when she hesitated. After a short internal, battle, she turned back to her locker and, after looking in her bag, took out the photograph she'd spent most of the night before staring at. It was one of the last photos taken before Sloan's arrival in their lives had torn their relationship apart; it showed her and Mark together, happy and in love. It had been stashed away in a box in her closet with other odds and ends from their time together and Lexie had all but forgotten it.

She'd found it by accident the night before when, in a fit of melancholy, and figuring that if she couldn't have his arms around her she could at least wrapped herself in something that had once been his, she went looking for an old t-shirt of his to sleep in. Wearing the t-shirt had turned out to be both comforting and disconcerting as it had prompted an almost never-ending stream of memories of her history with Mark.

Thanks to her photographic memory, those memories had been crystal clear and had made her cry, smile and miss him even more even as she cherished them. They had made for a night had been long and more than a little bittersweet and had made her wonder whether having a photographic memory was a gift or a curse.

A noise reminded her that she was in the hospital and about to be late for her shift. With a sigh, she put away the photograph and then wiped off the lone tear that had escaped down her cheek. She knew she was risking Bailey's wrath, but she still took the time to center herself and push all the memories and wishes and regrets into a tiny a corner of her mind.

So many nights I've prayed for you to say
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me

The short, pithy but blistering lecture she received from Bailey set the tone for the day that followed: a little depressing, somewhat aggravating and completely miserable. Just getting through it was such a chore that for the first time since she graduated med school, she was actually glad she didn't have any surgery and instead got to spend the whole day doing paperwork. It was one thing to let the boring details of paperwork numb her mind but she wasn't in any shape to operate and be responsible for anyone's life.

The paperwork was time consuming and barely gave her any time to take a calm and relaxing breath and yet it was a struggle to not dwell on what had been, what no longer was and what she wished could be again. Her concentration was so tenuous that any little thing could break it and her mind immediately went back to Mark whenever that happened. Unlike the night before, however, she spent most of the day not reliving the good times they'd had but instead kicking herself for not listening to Mark and not giving him a chance all those times he'd gone to her to try and make things right.

At the time she hadn't realized and, certainly hadn't appreciated, how much courage and determination it took for him to keep coming back, be vulnerable and offer her his heart when she kept rejecting him time and time again. And she knew he would have kept coming back, trying to convince her that he loved her and that she should give their relationship another chance if she hadn't stopped him by telling him that his continued pursuit was hurting her. It was her pain that finally made him end his efforts, not his own.

He once told her that when he liked someone, he made sure to tell her of his interest because life was too short to live otherwise. That was back before they really knew each other. In the years since, she'd seen first hand on more than one occasion just how committed he was to that philosophy in all areas of his life not just the romantic part. When he wanted something he went for it - no doubts, no hesitation, no worries that he wouldn't get it or that he wasn't worth it. That confidence, that bordered and sometimes crossed into arrogance, was a strong part of his appeal.

I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

She's always admired and respected that attitude. She'd had in fact even envied it a little at times but never more so than right then when it was her turn to go to him, hat in hand, to bare her soul and offer her heart. It was her turn to try and convince him that she loved him still and that they should be together. It was one of life's little ironies that now that she's convinced they're soul mates he seemed to have finally let her go.

But she hadn't been able to gather her courage to go to him and tell him of her feelings. She'd lost her nerve every time she'd even come close to finally confessing to him how she really felt. And the fact that she hadn't been able to even do it once when he'd done it multiple times made her sad and angry and ashamed; and it made her wonder if she even deserved to have another chance with him.

Whether she deserved it or not, she knew that if she didn't at least tried, she would never forgive herself. And even if there was to be no second chance for the two of them, he deserved to know her change of heart. She owed it to him, and to herself, to be honest and to tell him, at least once, what was really in her heart and to try to convince him that all she needed to be happy was to be with him. It might be one of the hardest things she'd ever have to do but she will do it. Who cared about life plans, unknown or unplanned daughters or even an easy life, if they were together they could get through anything. Who wanted an easy life anyway?

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

"Hey," Derek as he slapped Mark on the shoulder before stopping next to him by the nurse's station.

"Hey," Mark answered, briefly glancing up from the chart he was working on. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," Derek answered. He nodded to the nurse on duty and handed her his paperwork before he turned to Mark. "Slow day today," he commented. "Nothing but paperwork. No surgeries."

"I guess not even you can operate everyday, huh?" Mark replied with a smirk.

"Guess not," Derek easily agreed. "So, how's Julia doing?"

"Fine," Mark answered, staring intently at his chart. "Julia's doing just fine."

"Good," Derek smiled. "So, I was thinking that maybe you and her and Meredith and I could go out to dinner sometime."

"Uh," Mark shot him a surprise look. "You thought that? And what does Meredith think about it?"

"Haven't really talked to her about it yet," Derek shrugged. "But I'm sure she'll be all for it. We both love Zola but I think we're both ready for an evening spent in adult company. All we need would be to find a babysitter but I'm sure Lexie would be happy to baby-sit for us. She volunteered to baby-sit on Valentine's day because she enjoys spending time with her niece. It'd just have to be on a night she's free."

"I see … well, I have Sophia at night on a regular basis so…"

"Of course," Derek nodded. "It'd have to on a night you don't have her. Why don't you check what works for you and Julia and let me know. We'll work something out."

"Sure, yeah," Mark said, keeping his eyes firmly on his chart, not daring to meet his best friend's eyes. "I'll let you know."

"Good," Derek said before looking at his watch. "Well, I have a little time now and I was thinking of going to the daycare and spend some time with my daughter. Want to come?"

"Sure," Mark nodded. "I just have to finish this chart. I'll meet you down there." He waited until Derek was gone before he let the smile he'd fixed on his face fade.

Derek hadn't known that he'd brought up two of the things guaranteed to sour Mark's good mood: his relationship with Julia and Lexie. He couldn't have known because Mark had used all his not inconsiderable talent to make sure neither Derek nor anyone else would even suspect that he still loved Lexie.

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

Letting go of Lexie had been the hardest thing he'd ever done but though he'd done it, he hadn't stopped loving her. The heart wanted what the heart wanted and not even his willpower was enough to change that. That didn't mean, however, that he wanted everyone to know of his struggle so he'd done what he'd always done best: he'd donned a mask that let everyone else see only what he wanted them to see – that he was over Lexie.

He'd done such a good job of acting as if he was over her that from time to time he even fooled himself into believing it. Those times never lasted long, however; it was never more than a few weeks before the reality of who held his heart once more became impossible to deny. He tried his best not to dwell on it, though. Nothing but pain came out of that line of thought.

Before Julia and the distraction she presented, not dwelling had been harder. Despite his best efforts, he'd somehow always ended up going back over their relationship, what he'd done, what he hadn't done, what he'd done right and what he'd done wrong. He'd even, and this had been a real blow to his manly pride, kept a memento box buried in the back of his closet, which he'd taken out from time to time to moon over like a silly schoolgirl. And that was a tidbit he intended to take with him to the grave.

Reliving those moments, however, had done nothing but give him pain ultimately. He'd all but stopped doing it before he met Julia. And he'd stopped completely, after they started dating. It was one thing to date one woman while he was trying to get over another but to actively pine for the other seemed plain felt like a betrayal to both of them and the new man he'd started to be when he was with Lexie balked at consciously betraying anyone.

But if you're happy
I'll get through somehow
But the truth is
I've been screaming out

Of course, not thinking about Lexie was easier said than done, especially when something unexpected happened to remind him of her. Like the night before when he noticed the date while he was checking his schedule and remembered that it was the anniversary of the night she came to his hotel room and undressed as she asked him to teach her. That was all that was needed for the memories to come flooding back as if it all had happened yesterday.

The strength of the memories and of the feelings they invoked had shattered his belief that he was finally moving on and could have a future with Julia. He'd woken up that morning conflicted about what was the right and wrong thing to do in that situation and about what he should and what he wanted to do about it. Julia's feelings were already stronger than his and he'd been fine continuing as they were when he thought there was a chance that he could at some point feel the same for her. But now that he was pretty sure that was never going to happen, he wasn't sure he could or even should continue with the relationship when that would only give Julia false hope. And now, given Derek's plan for a double date, he also had to worry about what he was going to tell him to get out of it.

He thought he was done with the uncertainty and the constant fight with his feelings, which was both painful and incredibly frustrating. He was used to knowing his own mind, knowing what he wanted and what he had to do to get it. And, perhaps more importantly, he wasn't used to taking anyone's feelings into account when deciding how to live his life. For most of his life he'd only care about the opinion of two people, Derek and Mrs. Sheppard and yet, he'd slept with Derek's wife because, at the time, he thought that he was in love with Addison and that she was more important than his relationship with the man than had been his best friend since childhood. Of course, things with Addison had gone nowhere and in the end he'd ended up moving across the country to try to fix his friendship with Derek because he realized that that was the most important relationship he had.

But then he met and fell in love with Lexie and she became the most important person in his life as he discovered what it meant to really love someone. He discovered, much to his surprised amazement, that it meant putting someone else's well being and happiness above his own. For a man used to worrying only about what he wanted, going after it and getting it, finding out that he was capable of voluntarily walking away from it had come as nothing less than complete shock. And the fact was that he'd never wanted anything as much as he wanted Lexie – except for wanting her to be happy. He wanted her to be happy even if to ensure it he had to sacrifice his own happiness. That was the only reason he'd walked away from her and hadn't interfered with her relationship with Jackson. Loving her as he did, he could do nothing else after she told him that loving him wasn't good for her but being with Jackson was.

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me

And yet, the part of him that had demanded he be the best in his chosen field, the part of him that had always driven him to obtain whatever he'd gone after and that had never let him give up or give in, that part still wasn't reconciled to the fact that he'd lost her. That part of him was still sure that if he'd just tried a little harder to convince her that they were meant to be together, they would still be together; that if he'd just kept at it a little longer, he could and would have found the way to prove to her that everything they'd been through, all the obstacles they'd faced, the hurt and misunderstandings, none of that mattered if at the end of the day they faced them together.

In fact, he was just coming to realize that that part of him would never fully accept that the one person he loved the most, next to his daughter, won't ever be his again. If despite months of being in a committed relationship with a wonderful, loving woman like Julia he was every bit in much in love with Lexie as he'd been they day they broke up, then it was time, probably past time, to face the fact that there was just no getting over Lexie Grey. He should just admit to himself, even if to no one else, that Lexie was the love of his life because, God knew, denying it had gotten him nowhere. What to do after finally giving up on the dream that was moving on and having a future and a life that did not include her, however, was the real dilemma. As long as he'd had the illusion of waking up one day no longer loving her, he could pretend that he could one day be completely happy once more. But if he didn't have that, then he couldn't in good conscious continue his relationship with Julia. And if he didn't have either of those things, then what he did have? Other than an empty, lonely life.

With a forlorn sigh, he handed the chart he'd been working on to the nurse on duty and left towards the daycare. He pushed his hands into his pockets and walked with his head down. He'd liked nothing more than to say 'to hell with everything' and go running after Lexie, pulled her into his arms and kissed her like there was no tomorrow and then spend the rest of the day or week proving how much he loved and needed her. But he was really done with the whole handing her his heart in a silver platter only for her to return it all bruised and broken; she had already made it more than clear that she thought loving him was poison to her and that she would rather have an uncomplicated relationship with Jackson than being with him. And even if that relationship was no more, her point still stood – she didn't want him.

I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

And still, there were moments when all he wanted to do was to go to her and make her listen to everything he felt for her, everything he'd always wanted to tell her but had never been able to properly expressed, until she was as convinced as he was that they belonged together. In fact, if he thought that a little of forceful handling would get her to see things like he did, he would even try that. But he was pretty sure that that wouldn't go over too well; if she didn't want to be with him, forcing her to listen to him wouldn't do anything but pushed her even further away.

When he reached the elevator, he irately pushed the button to call for it and walked in, leaned against the back wall and dropped his head against it. For a fleeting moment he missed the days when he would sleep with any woman that crossed his path and caught his fancy without wanting or needing anything but the pleasure of the moment. It was true that those encounters hadn't fulfilled him emotionally but they also hadn't left him broken hearted and destroyed. Then again, he tried that already when he and Lexie first broke up and it hadn't really helped him at all. The momentary pleasure had been more ephemeral than ever before and when it passed, he hadn't only felt empty and alone but also guilty and ashamed. One night stands hadn't helped him forget Lexie anymore than a committed relationship or time had.

Whether he liked it or not, his time with Lexie had made him be honest about his feelings and one night stands were no longer part of his life. And if truth be told he was happy about it, he would just be happier if he could be with Lexie. When the elevator got to his floor, he pushed away from the wall with an impatient huff and walked out, more than a little annoyed with himself. All of this circular thinking was getting him nowhere. Things were what they were and no amount of thinking or wishing they were different would do anything but give him a headache and put him in an awful mood. What he had to do now was choose what he wanted to do about them. He had to decide if he wanted to stay and build a life with the one woman who was offering the future he'd always wanted or if he wanted to stay true to the only woman who'd given him everything he always needed, even if they would never be together. He had to decide what was more important to him: living the 'American dream', regardless of with whom he lived it, or being true to his feelings, even if that meant staying alone.

Oh what we had, what we had
It was all we'd ever need