Hello everyone, how are you doing? I know that it has been a long time since the last time that I updated one of my fics. A lot of things had happened in the last months and I could not writte a lot. But, don't worry I will try to update as soon as I can "Remember me" (I almost have the next two chapters).
Right now I am studying a lot and I spend most of my time studyng at the library and my breaks I try to write something.
This new fic was gonna be a one shot however, it was gonna be really long so, I decided to break it into three chapter. I hope that you like it and let me some reviews with your opinion. The rank of the fic is M. Spoiler Alert: Part of season 5 and 6
Finally, I want to say thanks to me beta reader for read the chapter and help me with the mistakes.
Summary: Gabby is more than ready to start a family with the man of her live but, what if Matt is not ready?. Would he have changed his mind about having kids or there is something more that he is not telling Gabby?
Chapter 1
Gabby was fast asleep after an exhausting and long day, when a noise near her woke her up completely. After some seconds the noise stopped so, she moved around trying to fall asleep again when she heard a soft moan coming out from the person that was sleeping near to her. In that moment she thought that he was snoring again, something that happened to him from time to time so, she did not pay a lot of attention to it.
She rested her right arm around Matt's torso hugging him against her when suddenly he started to move violently next to her. She opened her eyes and worryingly looked at him. He was moving his lips and his head, having a pretty bad nightmare.
"No, Gabby no" Matt cried out.
She turned on the lamp of her nightstand and stared at him. His face was covered in sweat and he was moving a lot in his sleep.
"No, no. Gabby. No. I can't lose her. Please-" he cried out with some tears falling down his red cheeks.
"Matt, baby" she said and tried to wake up him by brushing his hair, which she knew was something that calms him down, but it didn't work in that moment "Matt, it is me. Come on baby, wake up"
"No!" Matt yelled waking up and sitting upright. He blinked a couple of times and saw that the room was illuminated. He looked to his side and saw that Gabby was up looking at him with a worried expression on her face. He covered his face with his hands and took a long deep breath to calm himself.
"You okay, baby?" Gabby asked rubbing his back softly. As well as his face, his shirt was covered with his sweat and he was still breathing heavily.
It had to be a really bad nightmare Gabby thought since she never saw him as distraught as he was in that moment not even after some of some rough calls that they had.
He took a deep breath trying to calm him down and said "Yeah. Sorry to wake you up" he lied down on his left side trying to hide from Gabby ashamed that she could see him crying because of a single nightmare "I am fine. Go back to sleep"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Gabby asked in a sweet tone brushing his short hair.
"About what?" his eyes was trying to hold back some tears
"Your nightmare-" she lied down close to him, encircled her arms around his mid section and rested her head against his back "come on, tell me about it-"
"I don't remember what it was about" he lied and rubbed his face with his hand
"Matt, please don't lie to me-" she knows him pretty well and could easily tell when he was telling her the truth and that was not one of those times.
"Gabby-" he started but she cut him off
"Do I have to remember you what you told me years ago?" He looked at her not knowing what she meant so, she took his left ring finger and said "What do you think this thing's about? It's not just the free sex, lady" she said trying to imitate his voice
He laughed glad that she still remembered his words after so long "Alright I had a nightmare-" he recognized
"About what?" but, he didn't answer her question so she continued talking after some minutes of silence "I was in your nightmare, right?" he nodded and closed his eyes not wanting to remember what happened in his dream ever again "come on, you have to talk. It will help you feel better-" and she rested her head against his forearm.
"I doubt it-"
"Come on" she begged him really wanting to help him to feel better.
He took a deep breath and finally said "My nightmare was-" but, he took another break asking himself if he should or not told her about it. He was afraid that it could cause her so much pain or brought her back some old and awful memories. Something that he did not want at all, he preferred to deal with it by his own, like he always did.
"About what?" She encouraged him to keep talking "I am not gonna stop asking until you tell me and you know it" she warned him making laugh
"It was about the night that you lost our baby" he said rolling his eyes while a single tear fell down his cheek.
"Oh" was all that Gabby could say. She would have never expected something like that. It had been almost two and a half years since she had the miscarriage. What could have caused his nightmare?
"This time Will could not save any of you" he whispered hurt
"It is not the first one that you had one about it?" She asked shocked since she had no idea that he had still been suffering nightmares from that night. He just nodded his head. She made him lie flat on his back and looked at him "Why haven't you told me anything about it? Since when do you have them?"
"Because you are still hurt about it. I know it" He said trying to hold his tears "We lost our baby, Louie-" he made a small pause and continued saying "I couldn't. I couldn't bring it up to you-" he tried to avoid looking into her eyes but, she held his hand
"Baby, you got to talk to me when that happens. You have been there for me all this time; let me be there for you. Let me hold you when you are not good, baby"
"You don't understand it. It is not that simple-" he said fighting really hard against his tears
"Then tell me so I can help you feel better-"
"I killed our baby" he said broken after some minutes of silence.
"What?" She asked shocked moving away of him a little bit. He never told her what happened after she was brought in an ambo to the Chicago Med and, she never asked him wanting to erase that night of her memory. However, that night she needed to know the truth, so she could help Matt. "Come on, tell what happened"
"I told Will that he should do everything he could for the baby but if it came down to a choice, he should save you" he made a pause and continued saying "I didn't even take some time to think about it. I jumped to conclusions and choose you. Our baby died because of me. I am a monster. I killed our baby" he said hurt
"No you didn't" she said holding his chin firmly "what happened was horrible and you did what it was best in that moment"
"I am not so sure-"
"Baby, you had to make a decision, a tough one but, we both know that it was pretty unlikely for the baby to survive-"
"I know but, it does not mean that I don't feel awful about it. I failed our baby and you-" he could not hold anymore his tears.
"Come here baby" she said crying too "It was not your fault. It was nobody's fault what happened. If you had not taken the decision, the doctors would have made it" and she started to plant tender kisses on the top of his head "I would never be mad at you for what happened"
"I am sorry" he cried out in her shoulder
"It is okay, baby" she whispered softly in his ear "Everything is gonna be fine, baby"
After ten long minutes holding him tightly against her, Gabby felt Matt's body relaxing little by little. She looked at him and saw that he passed out after crying his heart out during that time. Right then he was feeling pretty miserable and she could not do anything to help him except be on his side.
Carefully, she lied him down on the bed and covered him with the duvet. She studied his face closely and saw that his eyes were pretty red as well as his cheeks. The shirt that she was wearing was also wet because of his tears but, she didn't mind at all. Right then, she was worried about Matt. In all the time that they were together, she never saw him as broken as he was that night, not even when he lost Hallie. Only this time he was ten times worse than when she found him crying in his house after losing his ex-fiancé.
She decided to let her lamp on in case he woke up again through that night because of another nightmare. She lied down near to him and placed her arms around him. Despite being pretty tired, she tried to stay up during the rest all the night in case he needed her or woke up again crying because of a nightmare. The rest of the night was peaceful except for a couple of times that he moved in his sleep however, after Gabby rubbed his back softly for a few minutes he continued sound asleep near to her.
/
The following morning, Gabby was the first one to wake up. She was pretty tired and all she wanted to do was switch off the alarm and sleep more but, Matt needed her in that moment. So, she got up and got ready for the day letting Matt sleep in their bed.
She went to kitchen and started to cook breakfast thinking that maybe the smell of coffee and fresh pancakes would wake him. However, he did not wake up until noon. A sign that he must be pretty tired.
"Morning" he said walking out of their bedroom trying to tame his short hair
"Hi, baby" she approached to him and brushed her lips against his "how are you?" she said hugging him and resting her head against his chest.
He gave her a forced smile and said "Fine, and you?" he was hoping that she didn't want to talk about what happened last night or about what he told her.
"You are the one who is worrying me-" she said looking at him closely. As well as her, he also had bag under his eyes and he seemed a little pale.
"I am fine-" he said walking to the fridge grabbing an orange juice bottle.
"No you are not-"
"Gabby, I am fine. I don't even remember what happened last night-" he lied to her
"Well, I do. I saw you broken crying you heart out because of a nightmare. The same nightmare that you have been having for the last two years" she reminded him
"Gabby-"
"Don't Gabby me" she cut him off, knowing pretty well what he was going to say "we need to talk to somebody, somebody who could help you. So, after lunch we are meeting Dr. Halstead at Chicago Med-" while he was sleeping she called the younger Halstead brother and asked him if he could meet them.
"What?" He asked shocked "No way- I am not going. I am fine. We are fine!"
"No, Matt you are not fine!" She yelled raising her voice
"Gabby-" he said holding her hands "Last night, it was just a nightmare. People have them all the time. Nothing is wrong with me. Look at me, I am fine"
"If you don't want to talk with him it's fine but, you have to talk with me about your nightmare" she said taking a seat at the table and indicating him to do the same.
"No" was all that he said before walking away of her
"Why do you shoot me down when all I want to do is to help you?" she asked hurt with his behavior
"I don't need your help, I am fine!" he yelled and entered in the room closing the door with a big slam.
/
A few hours later, Matt walked out of the room with his head down. He had been thinking and he came to the conclusion that maybe she was right, and he did need some help to control his nightmares.
He found her sat on the couch reading a magazine wearing one of his sweatshirts; her hair tied in a bun and in that moment, he fell in love of her all over again.
"Hey" he said approaching to her slowly
"Hey" she answered, closed the magazine and took down her legs of the couch so Matt could take a seat if he wanted.
"I am sorry-"he said sitting next to her "I should not have yelled at you"
"It is okay. I should not have pushed you-"
"It does not matter" and he crushed his lips against hers
"But-" she said breaking the kiss "The conversation is not over Matt. I think that it is time that we talk about something that we have been avoiding for a long time-" she said after some minutes of silence
"About what?" he asked curiously
"I want to have kids-"
"Gabby, my head is killing me right now. I don't want to have this conversation with you right now-" he said trying to gain some time.
"Then when is a good time for you?" she asked angry with him for not wanting to talk with her about it "Next week? In a couple of months? In a few years? Never?"
"Maybe I don't want them anymore!" he yelled at her angrily not thinking about the effect that his words could leave on her.
"What?" she asked pretty shocked since she knew that he wanted to have kids since he was young. She could still remember how his eyes were shining when she told him that they were gonna be parents or when he went to new house after the conference in Springfield to be with her and Louie. He could have been with Susan but, he chose them.
He tried to walk away but she stopped him grabbing his arm "Tell me why you don't want them? You were great with Louie and with Bria. You make a great dad-"
"I doubt it-" he said broken trying to hold back his tears
"Do you think that because of the decision that you took?" she could see that it was hard for him to talk about it "we could die in any moment, especially with our jobs. So, why wait?"
"Gabby-. I don't want to lose you-" he said softly "You are the best thing that ever happened to me-" his eyes were filling with more tears that he was trying really hard to hold "I don't know what I would do without you. I could have lost you that fucking night. What if next time they can't save you? What if you die because I made the wrong decision again?"
"Since when do you have these nightmares?" she asked approaching him
"Since the miscarriage" was all that he could say "but, I started to have them more after we lost Louie" He was so broken when the small kid, that won their hearts the first moment he entered in their lives, went back to his dad. His real dad. For some days he was his real daddy. But, all of that was gone as soon as Andre Keyes arrived in their lives. And from one day to the next, he lost another of his child "Sometimes I dream that you never lost the baby or that we didn't lost Louie but, I wake up and find that it is not true. Other times you died in my arms before arriving to the hospital"
"Why didn't you tell me about it?" Gabby said shocked looking at him. He had been fighting with his nightmares and fears by his own for more than two years. How hasn't she noticed that something was wrong with him? "I could have helped you like you helped me"
"Gabby, you were-" he made a pause and continued saying "you know what? Forget it. It is over. It was just a fucking nightmare" he said angry "I am fine"
"No" she said grabbing him by his arm again "sit down and tell me about it" she knew that it was hard for him to continue talking about it but, she was afraid that if she gave him some time to calm down he would never talk about it again.
He took a seat on one of the chairs and finally said "You were- you weren't fine. I remembered that for weeks you couldn't eat or sleep. Most of the nights you- you went to bed and cried for hours before falling sleep because of your exhaustion" his eyes was filling with tears remembering how bad she was when she came back home from the hospital after losing their baby "I didn't know what to do. I just held you as tight as I could and whispered in your ear that everything was going to be fine. That was the only way I could calm you. God, I was so worried about you that for a moment I thought that I was going to lose you too. You woke up in the middle of the night crying out for our baby asking me where it was. I couldn't leave you alone" he made a pause and she wiped his tears with her thumbs "But, one morning you woke up being the old Gabby again and little by little you started to heal"
"Sorry. Those weeks are a little blurry in my mind" she did not remember any of the things that Matt was telling her. Her doctor told her that it was possible that she suffered from PTSD after losing the baby or something similar.
"I know. When you started to feel better is when my nightmares started"
"Matt, you should have told me -"
"How? You were starting to get over it I could not do you that-" he said crying again
"So, you decided to deal with your nightmares on your own"
"Yeah and it worked for a while until now-" he said broken
Suddenly Gabby pressed his head against her chest and let him cried out everything that he had being hiding in his inside for years. He cried on her chest for more than twenty minutes in which she didn't stop for a single second of carrying him and whispered soft words in his ear.
"Matt, baby" she said softly after he stopped of crying "Can I ask you something?" He just gave her a single nod of her "it is because of your nightmares why you don't want to start a family with me?" Finally, the question that he had most feared since they started the conversation.
"I am sorry-"
"Don't be, just tell me truth. Are your nightmares the only reason why you don't want to have kids?" He did not answer her; he just nodded that was enough for her for knowing his answer.
"Baby, what happened does not have to happen again-" she said trying to encourage him
"You don't know that-" he said tired that she did not understand his fears or at least tried to understand him.
"Neither do you" she made a pause and continued saying "there is only one way to find out"
"Talking with a doctor" he said
"Yeah, all that I am asking you is to go there and hear what Dr. Halstead says" he took some time thinking about it and finally he agreed "So are you going to come with me to the Chicago Med this evening?"
"Yeah, I will be there"
"Okay" and she hugged him to her and planted a sweet kiss on the top of his head.
what will Dr. Halstead tell them in the next chapter? Good or bad news?
I hope that you like this new fic and let me some reviews with your opinion.
See you soon on the next chapter!
Namine Redfield
