"...What makes me different?"
Severus could only stare. Her words...they didn't make sense. What made her different? How could she even ask him that? The others didn't matter...no, they didn't deserve anything other than hate. He disgusted them, and they him. What made her different...wasn't it obvious? Shouldn't she know he cared about her without him saying a word?
She didn't. Not if she was walking away from him, ending the conversation without anything further. And could he blame her after today? By all accounts, he hadn't acted as a friend, let alone a best friend.
Let alone more...
His feelings were in words he had never been able to bring himself to say save for in the darkest depths of his mind, or greedy whispers when he was alone, bottled up tight and guarded jealously...
...but he saw her turning away, reaching for the portrait hole. This was it, he realized. The end. Once that door shut, nothing would be the same ever again.
No...
No, no no no.
Yet even now, part of him wanted to clutch the words inside him, refusing to let them spill out. Why should she care? He was a nobody who had humiliated her, and she shined bright as any star. Everyone noticed her, wanted to be her friend. Not him, never him.
What more was there to be gained in further humiliating himself, pouring his heart onto the cold stone floor?
This moment would be a deciding moment of his life, where his terror of losing her warred with the equal fear of coming clean to her. His mind was white with fear.
He wouldn't tell her.
He had to.
The portrait door opened.
He couldn't.
He must.
She was stepping through the threshold.
And as he stood, balanced on the precipice, disaster ready to claim him regardless of which way he turned, he—
So this was it, the end of everything.
Lily turned away, no longer able to look at him. The word cut at her even now, and she imagined that it would always. She had been wrong about him... for a very long time, apparently.
She remembered a discussion she'd had with Mary perhaps a day or two ago. She'd defended Severus, defended their friendship. She'd told the other girl of how Severus had been her first friend, of how he'd opened the door into that magical world for her. She told her how he was just a boy, wounded and hurt by the world, by those he should have been able to trust.
Mary had listened quietly, something her two friends rarely did, preferring to argue and nag.
But when Lily had finished, the girl said, oak-brown eyes gleaming, "...But is he still that child, abused by the world?"
Her words echoed in Lily's head even now. She had argued then, but after today, the truth was clear. She had been wrong, and Mary right, because that boy had grown up into a teenager, and filled his once-gentle heart with hate, bitterness and rage. His snarled outburst earlier today had been what she needed to finally tear the blinders off of her eyes and see the truth.
That boy was gone, and it was clear that teenager had taken her friend with him. He wasn't her friend now, and apparently hadn't been for a very long time. She missed him, but he wasn't coming back.
So with a heavy heart, Lily bid the boy farewell and stepped through—
"Because I love you!"
Severus' words brought everything to a halt.
The door was open, ready for her to walk through it, but she stood still.
He...loved her?
There had been moments she'd wondered, suspecting that more than friendship laid behind his rigidly-controlled exterior. The boy had looked at her in wonder, afraid to meet her gaze and murmuring words too soft for her to hear. She could almost believe…
But then she remembered Severus, his hateful coal eyes burning as he shrieked that word into the sky.
No. Someone who loved, who cared, who was even a friend...they wouldn't say that. They couldn't say that.
It wasn't possible.
it wasn't true.
"You're lying."
In the wake of his confession, Severus didn't dare move, terrified of what he'd said…Terrified of what more he might confess. Too much had spilled out already, and now he was naked, vulnerable before her, open to any barbs.
She could impale him, telling him how she'd always hated him. Kill him with poison perhaps, telling him that perhaps she might once have shared his feelings but it was too late now after what he'd done. Even—
"You're lying."
Severus blinked.
"Excuse me?"
His words were faint, barely there. After everything...she didn't believe him?
It seemed like madness, the cackling of some jester god, but Lily continued softly, it was clear that the words were all too real. "You're lying, Severus. Perhaps you once felt that way...but today showed those words for what they are: lies you tell yourself."
She gazed at him, her face like marble: beautiful, yet hard. "Someone who loved me...they'd know how that word hurts. They'd never say that. No friend, no love, would use that word to hurt me like that. No," She shook her head. "Words mean nothing if actions show the truth. After today, I know the truth. You don't love. All that you have is hate."
Her words hanging in the cool night air, she turned back to the door, ready to leave once more.
It was all Severus could do to stand, absorbing the blow he had never imagined. She didn't believe him.
He balled his hand into a fist, his fear forgotten under her words. "You're wrong!"
"How am I, Severus?" Lily's words were cold logic. "Tell me, how could you love me and tell me what you did?"
Why did he say it? Because...because… Perhaps letting another secret slip out was easier now that one had already spilled out for her, perhaps he was just too angry to think after her accusation. Either way, he roared back.
"Because you smiled!"
When Severus questioned her, looking like a child kicked in the shin, anger rose in Lily's stomach, but she held it back. This was the end of their friendship, but it would with as little rancor as possible, so she explained her reasoning patiently, as she had before.
And if the image in her head of him screaming at her threatened to open those wounds once more, she avoided thinking of it.
By the time she finished, her calm certainty restored, she was ready to say goodbye once more, when Severus said something strange.
"Because you smiled!"
His words were so odd that she had to ask, "Because I...smiled?"
"When Potter was...when he..." His words cut off, his expression darkening, but she knew what he meant.
Before he screamed at her, Potter had been attacking him. She didn't remember much of the whole incident, save for the ending out of her nightmares, but perhaps she'd been amused or flattered and at some point…
She wanted to believe that it wasn't true, that Severus was lying, but no. He was too proud, too secretive. Even if he were to lie to her, it wouldn't about something so shameful. No, it must be true.
And if so...god, she'd smiled while he'd been tormented. Whatever else he'd done, she felt sick to her stomach. "I didn't mean to, you know. But I am sorry."
"I know." Severus growled. "You're a better person than to do something like that intentionally, and I realize that now." His eyes sharpened, burning with remembered rage. "But at that time...I saw someone who called herself my best friend grinning there when my worst enemy humiliated me! In that moment..."
He swallowed. "...I hated you, so I lashed out. I shouldn't have used that word, I never thought of you like that, truly," his face hardened, cruelly transfigured, "but I wanted you to suffer, to hurt as much as I was hurting!"
Lily recoiled at the darkness in his expression, an anger that even sorrow couldn't dull. But he wasn't the only one who was angry. "Congratulations. You succeeded."
He winced. "I know, and for what it's worth, I—"
"Yes, you're sorry, I know." Lily snapped. "You're always sorry. Well, I'm sorry too, but I can't just forgive you this time."
"Like you were any better!"
"Perhaps not, but do you know what the difference is between us? It's that I didn't humiliate you on purpose. You could have done a thousand different things. You could have asked me about it, taken me aside later and yelled at me, screamed at me about how I was a bad friend, or even asked me about it. Instead, you called me a Mudblood." Lily sighed. "Frankly, I would have rather had you hex me."
"All I can say is how sorry I am." He whispered. "Once you left, I realized just how...how stupid I'd been. I would have waited here all night just for the chance to apologize. I really mean it, and I'm sorry."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "Just like you were the time you hexed Sabrina. In fourth year."
"I-I thought we agreed to never speak of it...and you know perfectly well that it was an accident. I never meant to hex her."
"And your wand just happened to spit out a Bat-Bogey hex…"
"Potter dodged. And even if I were guilty, she called me Snivellus earlier that day. Turnabout is fair play."
"Should I be watching my hair too then? I did call you the same."
"You had far greater provocation, so you are safe...this time anyway" His lips quirked into an almost-smile.
Lily felt herself starting to do the same. Despite what had happened, it was just so easy to remember the good times, their heads together in Potions class, third year Spring Break exploring the dungeons because Severus insisted there must be some great dark secret to Moaning Myrtle's death...last summer hanging out by the dirty rivers, no friends, no fears, no fights. Just the two of them...
"So...are we okay, Lily?"
And once more, Lily saw the scared boy behind the angry teenager, pleading for forgiveness for something he had done wrong. And were that all...she might have even forgiven him it.
But it wasn't all.
Her smile faded.
"I believe you're sorry," Lily finally said. "But—"
"I'll never do it again," Severus whispered. "You have my word. From now till death, you'll never hear that word cross my lips. Not for you, not for anyone."
Lily believed him. When he got like that, all determined and driven, he really would keep his word no matter what. It was one of his best qualities.
And if it were just the word that was the problem, that would be all that need be said.
But it wasn't. That word, as bad as it had been, was not the problem, but rather the symptom of the true problem, showing the rot that infected everything, all the way down to the very core of their friendship. He had to be shown the truth.
She sighed. "Severus…"
Severus didn't know how, but somehow he'd managed to steer the conversation back from the brink. Certainly, the waters were still rough, but maybe, just maybe, things weren't hopeless after all.
There had to be a way to make this work.
Yes, he had made a horrible mistake, and if it took never saying that word again...well, it would never spill from his lips. It might cause trouble with his friends (gang), but he'd manage it. He'd find a way, surely.
So when Lily said his name, he was all ears.
"I'm listening," Severus said, his mind serene once more, a tranquil lake.
But then he saw the expression on Lily's face. It was no longer a mask of cold hardness, but real. Her shoulders were squared, her jaw set, and her eyes...those green orbs were lit with a visible determination and zeal.
"I need to know, Severus." She said. "No games, no half-truths, no false promises. Are you going to join the Death Eaters?"
Any calm vanished in an instant, the pool of his mind thrown into bedlam once more. He knew what she desired. It wasn't a secret that she didn't want him to join the Dark Lord. In spite of her words, he considered lying, but no. Not this time, not to her. She was his friend, and she deserved the truth.
But the truth made his body break out in a cold sweat. Because she was right. He did intend to become a Death Eater, and hopefully soon would be among the Dark Lord's ranks. He could finally be somebody…and it wasn't something he could just give up.
An idea came to him though. She'd listened to him so far. Perhaps there was a chance...
He wrestled with the words for quite some time, before finally bowing his head. With a muttered Muffliato, he said, "It's not that simple..."
"It's not that simple…"
Lily stared at him, unable to believe his words.
"Yes it is! " She kept from shouting, but it was a close thing. Perhaps it didn't matter with that spell of his, but if she was going to reach out to the boy who had been her friend, it wouldn't be with screams and yells. "It is that simple, Severus. I'm not asking if you plan to fight him. You don't have to. It's fine, really. It really doesn't bother me what you do, but tell me that you're not joining him."
"And if I did join him, that means we can't be friends?" Severus said softly. "Is that it?"
Lily looked at him, into that pleading gaze, part of her wanting nothing more than to drown in the good memories, to tell him she could look the other way for his sake.
But she had to be firm. "Yes, Severus. It means we can't be friends."
For a moment, Severus was motionless, as if she had gutted him. He said nothing, only staring in horror.
Under normal circumstances, she'd squeeze his shoulder to show solidarity, or rub his back. These weren't normal times, so she waited for his answer.
Finally, he spoke.
"I don't want to fight you, Lily," He whispered. "This shouldn't come between us. Why can't we be friends, anyway!"
"Severus..."
"No, I'm serious!" And the child was gone, the angry teenager almost glaring back at her. "I know you plan to fight against the Dark Lord, and that's fine. I'm not going to tell anyone, not going to get you hurt. You can do the same. We might be on different sides, but we can still be friends!"
His words were almost manic, with a fevered intensity she'd only ever heard when he talked about Potter. "I...I know you don't feel the same way about me that I do about you. But if you can call me friend...There have been a lot of people like that, I've read some history books, even Muggle ones. We might be on the opposite side, but that doesn't have to stop our friendship."
The words were beguiling, seductive even. For a moment, her resolve wavered.
She remembered what she'd seen that morning, the Daily Prophet headline: 'Two More Muggleborn Murders'.
"Severus, enough."
That was it, his greatest hope in one sentence. He felt like he were almost completely naked, all but the last shreds of himself spilling out.
But he knew it would be in vain. The look on Lily's face...it was gentle, but firm, determined.
"Severus, this isn't a matter of red versus blue, or two random sides that don't mean anything. You-Know-Who...he's wrong. No, not just wrong. He's evil, and you know this. And it's not a matter of a pointless battle, or honorable duel. People are going to die, innocent people. And if you join him, you're going to be causing it. Tell me truly, is there anything about his 'cause' that you believe to be the right thing to do?"
Severus swallowed. Even he couldn't lie to himself on that. There were no higher ideals to the Death Eaters, no justifications save for power and hate. They promised a better world, while filling it with graves.
But he'd made his peace with that truth long ago.
"Does it even matter?" He said softly. "Good, evil, why should I care about it? The grand scheme of things means nothing to me. The Dark Lord has never mocked me, nor the Death Eaters. They see something in me. They want to make something of me!"
"But—"
"They aren't the ones who humiliate me. They aren't the ones who make my life hell! They aren't—"
He choked himself off, remembering what he had promised Dumbledore. No matter how he hated the man...he had sworn not to reveal Lupin's secret.
Instead, he continued, "When I join the Dark Lord, he's going to make all my dreams come true. I won't be a pitiful child, hoping for aid or succor, nor will I be some helpless victim. I will be powerful, respected, feared."
Lily took a step back, eyes wide.
"The next time Potter came to hex me, I could make him suffer like no other." Severus couldn't help but smile, closing his eyes as he savored the thought. "So tell me, Lily, why shouldn't I join the Dark Lord?"
He drew closer, all the secrets he'd kept bottled inside him finally spilling out. He'd ruined everything, he was sure, but at the same time, he finally felt free. It was the end, but it would be on his own terms. And so, he waited for oblivion.
Then Lily growled. "You complete fool."
In spite of her words, Lily could understand how he felt. She could see what appealed to him about the Death Eaters, what had seduced that child into darkness. He might be selling his soul to the devil, but at least he was getting good terms.
It was just overshadowed by all the unyielding rage. The images of men, women and children dying because he just didn't care filled her mind. In spite of her wishes for what was left of their friendship to end quietly, it was all she could do to keep from shrieking. "So you just plan to destroy and hurt until you get what you want. Who cares who suffers if you're happy? Is that it?"
"Like I said, why should I care? They've mocked me, laughed at me, humiliated me! And I'm going to make them regret it."
"So you want your revenge, not because of the wrongs they've done, but because they did them to you."
"Like you wouldn't if it was you. After what I've endured, I want to be the one with the power. No more weakness, no more pain, not for me. Not anymore! Let them be miserable. Let them suffer!" Severus roared, his face red with rage.
That was it. No more.
"Do you know who that sounds like? That man sounds like Potter. No..." She corrected herself in a hiss. "Not even Potter, but the person you think Potter is. A prideful braggart, who wants everyone to worship his every move, who rains misery upon the undeserving. A manchild who smiles and laughs as others scream!"
Severus' teeth were still bared, but his face twitched at her words with just a hint of uncertainty. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lily buried him in her rage.
"So tell me, Severus, you hate Potter so much. But is it because of what he's done to you, all the cruelties he's heaped upon you...or because you wanted to be him?"
"I wouldn't...I'm not…" His voice faltered, sounding as if he were trying to convince himself more than her.
"Because he's done awful things, and today was one of the lowest, humiliating somebody because they were there, because he could. It disgusts me just as much as any word you said. But tell me, Severus, are you mad because he did such a vile thing...or because he did it to you?"
"Do you think I deserve to suffer at his hands?" Severus' eyes were slits. "Is that—"
"Nobody deserves it, Severus, not you, not Potter, hell, not even You-Know-Who. And if you continue toward this, you will be just like him, a monster who makes others as miserable as you are. You'll be Potter's worst traits, combined with your father's loving mercies. So Severus, what will you do?"
"I..."
At Lily's furious rant, Severus found himself unable to speak. He was like Potter? No, it couldn't be. Potter was an arrogant, hateful bastard who made others miserable, not like him. He just wanted to be powerful, respected, and make…others...suffer...
Severus froze. Was Lily right? Did he really want to be just like Potter? No, not even like Potter. Like his father Tobias. A Muggle bastard who hated everyone for his own failings, who made others just as miserable as himself.
He'd sworn that he would be better than that filth, someone Lily would be proud of, who was worthy of respect and admiration...of love. How had he gone from that to being the next Tobias?
Lily's words rang through the night like clashing steel. More than that, they rang of truth. Tobias...he had loved once, Severus knew. His mother told him of how Tobias had once been caring, sweet, and happy. But then he became so consumed with bitterness for the world that there was nothing left.
Was that him? Was that all he had?
The hatred hadn't gone away, but for the first time in a very long time, instead of thrashing about at the injustices the world had meted out to him, at the failings and flaws of others...Severus turned to look inward, and he didn't like what he saw.
He'd known that joining the Death Eaters would require sacrificing his morality, perhaps doing some dark and monstrous things. But he'd envisioned becoming something great and terrible, awe-inspiring in his diabolic might.
This...this was small, petty, pathetic.
Just like Tobias.
Severus bowed his head, defeated.
But Lily wasn't finished.
Severus had stopped talking, probably to sulk, but Lily barely noticed.
"Something the headmaster once told me, Snape...our choices make us who we are." Lily spat, her voice rough with emotion. She looked upon the person she'd called friend without pity or mercy. "And you know what I think? You're going to say you're sorry, weep bitter tears, and keep on wallowing in your hate just as you always have."
All she could see was pictures, pictures of families killed, the souls crushed out of people just like her. And Snape was going to do it.
"Because that is who you are! You don't have friends...There's no room in your heart for anything other than bitterness and rage! You can't love anyone!"
As her shouts shattered the still night, it was only the Muffliato that kept her from awakening half the castle.
"And furthermore-" She glared in his direction, and froze, her words cutting off instantly.
Over his shoulder, on one of the castle windows, she could see her face reflected in the darkness. Her eyes were hard and cold, her cheeks unyielding, and her expression twisted into a spiteful parody of herself. The girl in the window was spitting as much hate as the boy she'd castigated.
This wasn't how she'd wanted their friendship to end. As angry as she was, there had been a friendship once, one she treasured. At the least…
"I'm sorry," She said finally. "I didn't mean to go so far...I wanted this to be peaceful." She closed her eyes. "For the sake of our memories, for the boy who once called me friend, I wanted tonight to be as painless for both of us as possible."
There was only silence. Severus didn't raise his head.
"I'll get going then," Lily said softly. "I...I hope things go well for you." She bowed her head. "Goodbye."
And she turned to leave one last time—
As she was about to cross over that final threshold, Severus said softly, "Thank you, Lily. I genuinely appreciate that for everything it's worth."
Lily didn't look back, but she smiled all the same. For all their arguing, she wanted to lay down her sword one last time. "Thank you...Severus. I-I'll miss-"
"But there's just one problem…you're wrong."
She turned back. "What-"
He'd raised his head, and the look on his face took the words from her lips. She'd seen him countless times in the course of their friendship. Over the passing years, she'd seen him angry and bitter, hurt and desperate, sad, lonely, even happy if all too rarely. His eyes...there was no raging teenager there, nor a broken child. No flailing tears nor titanic fury lurked there, just something quiet, a calm determination…
...but one that could move mountains.
Somehow, she didn't know how, she didn't know why, but he had found his answer.
"I'm not going to pretend I'm a great person. You're right about that. I hate...I hate so many people, Muggleborns, Halfbloods, Purebloods, Muggles...and honestly, I'm bitter about how hard my life has been… yes, you're right about that too...
He stepped toward her. "...But you are wrong about me not loving you."
"You...you're not being rational." Lily said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "It's just hormones, or showing up Potter, or gratitude because I'm your friend. You don't—"
"I do." As he spoke, Severus wondered how he'd ever been afraid. The truth wasn't something terrible, an ambrosia that he needed to bottle up inside. It welled up from within, beautiful, and more than that, it was freedom. He locked eyes with Lily's and felt no nervousness. After everything else, there was nothing left to be scared of. "I love you, and nothing you say can change that."
Lily's mouth worked voicelessly for a moment, before she said, "Then what are you going to do?"
"I'm...I'm not sure," Severus confessed. "I've spent so much time working toward this goal, I never considered anything else. But I can tell you one thing I won't do: become a Death Eater. Because I'm not going to be another Tobias."
"That's good," Lily muttered, breaking their mutual gaze to stare at her feet. "Very, very good."
"What's wrong? Did I...?" Ok, perhaps there was still a little nervousness.
"It's not… I mean, I've wanted to hear you say that for a long time, and I'm glad… It's just…" She let out a long sigh, scratching the back of her head. "Part of me wants to tell you everything will be fine now, let bygones be bygones, and be friends again...but then I think of earlier today and…" She drew a deep, shuddering breath. "...You told me once, long ago, that it didn't matter about my heritage, that you didn't care. And I trusted you, I really did. When my friends questioned me about you, I defended you. But the truth is, you do care, don't you?"
Severus took a moment to consider. "No, I don't think I do. To me, you're Lily, and that's all that matters."
"That's just because we were friends. Severus, if you had never met me, if the first time we encountered one another was today, you'd have called me a Mudblood. And you wouldn't be apologizing about it."
Severus hesitated. "But after I got to know you…"
"Would you have gotten to know me though?" Lily crossed her arms guardedly. "Or would I just have been another Mudblood for you to point at and mock?"
Thinking it over, Severus said, "I would….get to know you I mean."
Lily blinked again, before narrowing her eyes. "You'd get to know a Mudblood."
"It wouldn't matter. Even if I never knew you. Even if the first time I saw you was today, I would meet you, get to know you, and fall in love with you, Muggleborn or no."
"Why? Why would you care?"
"Because you would." His words were like bullets now. "Nobody else cared before you, and even now, the only reason the Death Eaters care is because of what value I can bring. Even if none of us remembered the other, you would care, because that is the sort of person you are. And I would wonder about that. It would perplex me, drive me mad. I'd have to figure out, what's her angle. Why does she care. It would wrack my brain over and over until I understood, and by that point it would be far too late for me."
"Words...only words." Lily whispered, ignoring the way the her heart thundered in her chest. Because unless words were backed by deeds, they meant nothing. She couldn't let him hurt her again. "If you loved me, if you were really my friend, you would have never dreamed of joining You-Know-Who."
"Would you believe I thought it would impress you?"
"That would make you a bigger dunderhead than Potter."
"Perhaps I am," Severus murmured. "It feels like I've been blind for far too long." He turned to face her once more. "Either way, I want to know...Will you be my friend again?"
Lily hesitated. "I don't know...Just, how do I know if iI can trust you?"
"After everything I've said?"
"Words are words."
"Then would actions work?" Severus looked back at her, gaze neither burning nor fearful, unwavering. "Give me the chance to show you that you can trust me."
Lily looked at him. Could she trust him, after everything?
Severus said nothing, only waiting for her response.
Finally, Lily said, voice barely above a whisper. "Alright...and I'll believe it when I see it."
He thought he caught the barest flicker of a smile. Rather than draw attention to it though, he nodded.
Letting out a yawn, Lily straightened, offering him a nod of her own. "It's getting late. I'll see you around okay, Sev?"
A tentative peace having been made, he had no objections, and moments later, she disappeared into the portrait hole.
Severus let the Muffliato slip, and as he made his way back to the dungeons, it was with a smile.
Lily's words were noncommittal, but her comment earlier about words versus actions meant as much for her as it did for him
It would be easy to be offended by what she said, take it as an insult, but he knew better. With her, it meant exactly as she said it: When she saw the truth, she'd believe him.
And so, that night, he descended deep into the dungeons, but even as he was submerged in the depths of the castle, he didn't mind. He was free.
When Lily closed the door behind her, she whispered an apology. "Severus...I'm sorry." It was the middle of the night, so she was alone with her thoughts in the common Room.
The entire time she had spoken to Severus, she had told him the truth, the best she could give him was a consequence of their friendship. The whole way through, she had not lied...
...until the very end.
Although probably not in the way that he would have expected. For it wasn't that she wouldn't believe him when he saw the truth…
She smiled, the expression fitting far better there than the frowns and glowers she'd worn for far too long.
...but that she already believed him. There were three parts to her as well when she walked away. The child still buried inside her wanted to give Severus a hug, telling him everything would be alright.
The teenager wanted to growl and grump, but peek out from behind the cracked open portrait hole.
But the young woman had seen the strength and confidence in his eyes, a young man determined to make a change.
So she only smiled and made her way to bed, knowing that there was nothing to fear.
For he had done something she thought impossible and restored her faith. There would be challenges ahead, trials to face, and hatred to overcome, but right now, in her own heart of hearts, her trust in her friend had been restored. And as for anything else.
'Because I love you.'
...that was a story for another time.
THE END.
Author's Note: I'm trying something a little different with this story. It's a one-shot, and it's complete, but I'm going to add a chapter consisting solely of my thoughts and what ifs. Expect that in a week or so. If you have any questions you want answered, make sure to include them in your review :).
