Chapter 1-
How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace?
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Ooh, take a look at me now
Well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face
Hannah Mary Poldark died on the day that could have been her birthday. The fourth child of Ross and Demelza Poldark arrived almost four weeks prior to her estimated due date, quietly and with little fanfare. She was frail and petite and like her sister before her came into the family after another breach between their parents. Unlike her sister, Clowance or even her oldest sister, Julia, Hannah did not have a chance to work her way into her father's heart. For some unknown reason, Ross did not feel that immediate attachment to his daughter. He could not put his finger on it but as he stood and watched his wife place flowers on their daughter's grave, seeing her anguish at the loss of another child, he originally did not share that same bereavement. It bothered him because he knew that Demelza felt this loss deeply. When Julia died she was still recovering from her own illness and thus could not be with her by her deathbed or attend her funeral; a memory that haunted Demelza for a long while.
With Hannah, it was Demelza who cared and nursed her, and ultimately, watched her slip away. The cause of her death was nothing as dramatic as the putrid throat or any other plague. She simply was born too soon to be strong enough to survive. Considering her parents were hardly ever sick, her weak constitution was a surprise to them. However, Dwight was not shocked that she did not last through her first year. In fact, he was certain she would not live past a few days. He shared this with Demelza and Ross who took the news in their own way. She, of course, was pragmatic and vowed to nurture this child to the best of her abilities in the hopes that Dwight was wrong. To a degree, he was since Hannah lived longer than expected and was a part of their family for a little more than a month. Ross took his usual approach to such matters and distanced himself from it. He had not and could not bring himself to let this daughter into his heart, knowing that she might be gone at any instance. There was another cause for his way of thinking: he was not sure that Hannah was truly his child.
Approximately four week's prior-
Demelza Poldark was working in her garden, trying as best she could to revive some of the greenery that had suffered due to her lack of tending. She was approximately seven months into this pregnancy and feeling worse than she had during any of her other times. On the surface, there was nothing different except for the subtle cooling of relations between her and Ross. What had begun almost a year before with the arrival of a certain Navy lieutenant and the infatuation that sprung from that meeting, still remained even after the sailor's death. Hugh Armitage was one of the prisoners Ross had rescued on his mission to free Dwight, bringing the young officer back with him. He was actually grateful Armitage was with them as his knowledge of the sea most likely saved them all from a watery grave. If not for Armitage, Ross might not have returned to Demelza. Ironically, it also made the case that if not for Armitage, he and Demelza might not have been at a crossroads again.
This time it was not his indiscretion that fractured their marriage, it was hers. And yet Ross was still unsure to what extent the actual indiscretion went. He and Demelza had talked at length of her attraction to the lieutenant when it first appeared and as he always did in matters such as this, he relied on her common sense to deal with it. As time passed, Ross observed that nothing had changed between him and his wife, so he thought that the issue had resolved itself. It wasn't until they heard that Hugh was dying that Ross began to have doubts again. Demelza's reaction to the news was more than just a passing interest. Her thoughts clearly were on the lieutenant and his fate and Ross had no idea how to counter that. So he did nothing. Not until he found a poem written by Armitage did he wonder if Demelza had been unfaithful but he could not come out and ask her. He decided to deal with this just as they did the incident with Elizabeth: avoidance. Ross wasn't sure he wanted to know the truth or if he did, how he would handle it. He was not like Demelza who could work through the hurt towards a resolution that would allow them to go on. So he left it alone until it could not be avoided any longer; she did the same.
When Demelza told him she was with child again, it was shortly after Hugh had died. She had no idea that Ross had found any alleged evidence of her infidelity so was taken aback by his lack of joy at the news of this new child. Their own relationship had continued at a steady pace during the time Hugh was in their lives and so Demelza had no cause to believe that this child was not Ross's. In fact, she knew, when she succumbed to Hugh on the beach that one and only time, that she most likely was already with child but put it out of her head. At the time, she was lost in the moment of being loved and adored by someone who made it clear he valued and respected her. Something that Ross was often lax about. Demelza knew that Ross loved her and she him; that was never in doubt. What she did not know was if she was important to him. Did he want her as a person in his life and not just his wife and bedmate? Over the course of the years that passed since their first reconciliation, they had ebbed and flowed in this. At times he would seek her out for her wisdom, guidance and common sense. Then he would pull away, thinking that what he had to do was no concern of hers and the fears would set in.
The culmination of those uncertainties came with the news that Ross had been seen with Elizabeth in a rather compromising situation. She had hoped it was nothing and when he finally revealed the truth, it was nothing. However, at the time of the incident, Demelza was certain he was reverting back to his obsessive need to be close to Elizabeth. That turned out to be the catalyst which led to a day with Hugh where she was not Mrs. Ross Poldark, wife of a country squire. She was just Demelza; young, free and on the receiving end of being loved. When the day was over, she became the loving wife and mother again, as if nothing had passed. In her heart, nothing had changed. She loved Ross possibly more than before. She loved Hugh also just as before—no more, no less. Simply as a sad young man who touched her heart and made her feel special. Sharing the love she had with him, compounded the love she had for her husband. The fact that she was with child was a clear manifestation of that.
There was only one fleeting moment after she confirmed she was with child that she dreadfully thought that Hugh might be the father. Dwight allayed those fears after examining and speaking with her; he confirmed that conception happened before her day on the beach. Not that she told him the details of that day or anything else pertaining to Hugh Armitage. That would be the ultimate rub to Ross. This was despite the fact that Demelza was sure that Dwight had come to some sort of conclusions regarding Ross, Elizabeth, and Valentine yet said nothing. Also, Dwight had been closer to them than before since his rescue so he could have observed Hugh's attentions to her. Demelza knew Dwight was not blind to such things and might draw his own conclusions as to why she was asking these questions. But she would not subject Ross to that type of gossip even if Dwight was their best friend. Yet, regardless of this reassurance and the other information Dwight shared about Hugh, Demelza didn't think it stopped Ross from believing otherwise. While he did not say anything, Demelza could feel the difference in his attitude towards her and the child. He spent more time with Jeremy and Clowance, giving them affections he had held back before due to work or adventures. It was not that Ross was unloving or mean to her; it was more a sort of inability to form a connection with this child and in doing so, losing a connection with Demelza. It hurt her because she understood the pain he must be going through having experienced it herself regarding the drama of Valentine's parentage. They silently acknowledged they could not speak of these fears. They must remain unspoken.
As she tilled the soil, she felt a twinge in her side but ignored it. These pains had been coming and going throughout her pregnancy which Demelza attributed to work and fatigue. She never thought that something might go amiss with this child. Nor did she tell anyone about them because it seemed that this child was hers and hers alone. Ross focused on their other offspring while she was left to care for herself and this new addition. It was then, that she surmised what the problem was. Unfortunately, she had no way to counter the situation. Demelza knew her husband and his thought process. While she might swear that he had fathered this child, and he would believe it, something else would tell him otherwise. It's why they both believed deep down, that the Warleggan heir was most likely born of this household. Again, they were at the mercy of the child's mother who stated, truthfully or not, that she was unsure herself. Demelza, however, was certain about her child and she needed Ross to be certain as well. She was not going to go through the rest of this pregnancy or the raising of their son or daughter with another shadow hanging around them.
As she worked down the rows of battered seedlings, she decided that this could not go on any longer and she was going to clear this up with Ross today. After supper when the children were bathed and bedded, she would sit him down and once and for all, settle matters concerning their marriage and future. Feeling a bit of the burden lifting from her shoulders, Demelza finished what she was doing and went to pick up the hoe when a cramp ran through her. She bent over in pain, clutching her abdomen, trying to catch her breath.
"It can't be," she whispered to herself. "Tis too early."
Struggling to stand upright, the ache eased and she let out a sigh. She hoped it was just a cramp from working in the garden. Perhaps a muscle pull and nothing more. Ignoring any discomfort Demelza gathering her tools and walked slowly into the house. Placing the basket on the table she closed her eyes as another ache, this one not as strong came upon her. She sat down at the table, held her head in her hands and sobbed. Where the tears came from, she did not know. All she knew was that she needed to release them. To let go of every feeling and emotion that she had held inside since Hugh Armitage entered their lives. Not her life, their life. For all the beauty and poetry he graced her with, he left behind an aura darker than any shadow created by Ross and Elizabeth. For he was that of a young man, gone too soon, and who, in his brief time, left a mark on their souls. On top of that, this child that grew within her womb, which she knew to be a product of the love between Ross and her, brought with it another element of that aura; the unfinished business of Hugh Armitage. Since her husband did not have a chance to fight the man while living, now he would fight a war within himself about an innocent babe. Demelza feared this would fester all because he would not speak to her about his feelings when they should have. It was their biggest combined flaw which caused many mistakes and miscommunications yet they never seemed to learn from it.
She was still sitting at the table, gathering herself together, when she heard scampering feet followed by the steady step of her husband.
"Mama!" Jeremy cried. "Look what I found on the beach."
He held out a handful of tiny seashells for her to examine. Lifting her head, she tried to wipe her eyes before they could see she was upset but failed. Ross walked in, carrying Clowance when he saw his wife at the table. He could tell that something was wrong more than just the usual condition of pregnancy.
"Demelza?"
She looked at her husband as he put Clowance down and wondered if they would ever be alright again. Would he carry and coo over this new child at all? Clowance toddled over to her holding her arms up for Demelza to lift her. As she moved to do that, another pain hit. This time she couldn't hide it, letting out a cry.
"Judas!" she yelled, grabbing her side, fresh tears flowing down her cheeks. "Oh Lord, Ross!"
He ran to her side and gathered her in his arms, cradling her against his chest.
"Demelza? What's happening?"
"I don't know. Something's wrong. It's too soon, Ross. It's too soon," she said as she fainted into his arms.
Ross looked at his inert wife and panicked. The children were still standing around the table, now joining the fray with wails of their own.
"Prudie!" he shouted as he picked Demelza up to carry her to their bedroom.
The robust servant came running, almost colliding with him as he passed through the doorway on his way upstairs.
"Take care of the children and send for Dwight. Now!"
"What's 'appened to the maid?" she asked.
"I don't know. What's she been doing all day?" Ross asked as he took the steps two at a time.
"Nothing different than any other day. She ain't said nothing about not feeling well," Prudie said from the bottom of the stairs.
She scooped up Jeremy and Clowance to take them to Demelza's brothers so that one of them could ride to Killewarren and fetch the doctor. As she walked to the cottages, Prudie couldn't help but notice how pale the mistress was. It was no wonder she passed out with all the stress she'd been through thanks to the Captain. Again. She didn't know what had happened between them but she knew that he had to have done something to upset the maid. Knocking on the door, Drake answered and Prudie quickly told him what had happened. The young boy flew to get Dr. Enys, silently praying for his sister the whole way.
Hannah Mary Poldark was born just after midnight on January 15th, 1797. Dwight arrived just as Demelza's pains had reached their peak, the intensity of them stronger than usual because of the premature start of labor. The baby was small and not in a position, which made for a stressful birth for both mother and child, adding to the tension in the room. The silence upon her arrival sent a feeling of dread through Demelza as she was sure the child was stillborn. After a few minutes of vigorous treatment by Dwight, the tiny little girl let out a cry that sounded like a kitten's mew. It was then that Demelza could relax back against the pillows, closing her eyes in relief. Prudie cleaned up her mistress and changed the sheets while Dwight finished working on the baby. For her part, Demelza lay still, giving thanks for the arrival of her daughter and praying that her presence would reach Ross and make him see that she was his.
Downstairs, Ross was doing much the same thing. As he thought of his son and daughter asleep in their beds, he prayed for his wife's deliverance with this child. He also prayed for the inner strength to find the same love he felt for Jeremy and Clowance for this new child. Throughout the past months, he has searched his soul as to why he had these thoughts. There was no evidence that a betrayal had been committed except for a vague poem, yet something inside told him that his wife was hiding something. Ross wasn't sure if he was upset about the act itself or the fact that a child might have resulted from that. And in truth, did he have any right to hold either of those incidents against her? He knew he did not. So why was it so hard for him to forgive her when she, who had born the brunt of his seeming never-ending obsession, was able to put his betrayal away and move on? She loved him no less afterward even though the scars of his actions would be around forever namely in the form of another child; a child that she had been willing to accept if he asked. Yet he couldn't do the same for her? He really was a selfish bastard.
Now the love of his life was fighting to deliver another child into the world and he was sitting here, drinking, wondering if that child was his. Did it matter? The child would be Demelza's and that should be enough. He loved her and all that came with her. Unfortunately for him, it did matter because this child would always be a reminder of a young man, who fell in love with Demelza, seduced her and who died before Ross could fight him for his wife. Then he could say he won fairly, send Hugh on his way, leaving he and Demelza to rebuild their lives again. The death of the naval lieutenant robbed Ross of that, so now, the unknown cast a shadow over them. He stood up and paced the room, running his hands through his hair as he went to pour another drink. It occurred to him as he gulped down the liquid that he hadn't heard any sound coming from upstairs. With the births of his other children, there were various shouts, cries, and yells. Tonight the silence was deafening. Ross wanted to go up and see what was happening and made a conscious effort to move towards the door when Dwight appeared.
"Is she alright? I didn't hear anything. The baby? Is the baby…?" Ross asked. He was scared, truly scared that he'd lost her.
Dwight came in and went straight to pour himself a drink. Ross saw that he looked drained.
"Dwight?"
"She's fine Ross. The birth was harder than normal because she was early but overall I think she will be fine after a long confinement. Demelza is not to do any physical labor until I say so. She lost a bit of blood so she will need to build up her strength. And she needs as little stress as possible," Dwight informed him.
The doctor's tone was firm so Ross knew that this was serious. He heard what he needed to do but what he hadn't heard was anything about the baby.
"And the baby?" Ross asked.
"You have another daughter, Ross."
Dwight watched his friend and was surprised when there was no reaction either of happiness or relief. Ross just stared at Dwight, no real emotion running through him.
"She's small which is natural considering she's about a six weeks early and her lungs are a little underdeveloped but I think with constant care, she will be fine. Of course, there is always a concern with premature births for both mother and child but considering how strong Demelza is, I think she will recover just fine," Dwight assured.
"Go up and see her now Ross. She needs you," Dwight added since he didn't see Ross making any movement towards doing that.
Ross nodded in understanding. So they had another daughter. But did they? He walked slowly past his friend to make his way to their bedroom. He paused outside the door not sure how he would react to the scene on the other side. His need to see Demelza outweighed the doubts he harbored and so he pushed it open, entering the room quietly. Prudie was just gathering the linen for the wash when she saw him enter.
"Now don't be upsetting the maid. She had a hard time birthin' that babe and she don't need any nonsense from you," Prudie scolded.
"I think I can handle my own wife, Prudie. Go see if Dwight needs anything. Oh and check on Jeremy and Clowance as well," Ross said.
With a huff, the servant left. Ross turned to the bed and saw Demelza sitting up with the baby in her arms. He had to look twice as the bundle seemed so small.
"Ross. I'm sorry I caused so much worry," Demelza started to say.
Ross went to the bed and sat down opposite her, his hand on her knee. Unlike the other times she had given birth when he crawled into bed behind her to be as close to her and their child as possible, Ross felt compelled to keep a bit of distance for the time being. His immediate thought was to ask her if the child was his but he choked on the words. Despite her ordeal, Demelza looked beautiful, Ross thought. He saw how serene her countenance was, almost peaceful as she gazed at the child. It was a case of déjà vu that he'd hoped to put aside. Years before, when Elizabeth went into what was cataloged as 'early labor' as well, Ross knew that Demelza's instinct told her that was not the case. Now he was having the same thoughts. Over the past year, he knew that Hugh's attentions towards Demelza were infrequent. Their interactions happened at parties where others were around or, as he found out, through letters and poems. He never saw that Demelza reciprocated those feelings through written word but everything was in doubt now. Ross also knew that the only time Demelza and Hugh were alone for any period of time was the day she took him to see the seals. Was that the day she forgot their vows? He turned his head towards the window as these visions permeated his mind, removing him from the present.
Demelza saw his reticence and distance which made her heart ache. She said nothing but smiled at him, reaching a hand out to touch him, bringing him back to her. She then looked down at her new daughter. The child was so small she felt like her arms were empty. She had hardly any hair but what was there seemed to be dark. Demelza was silently pleased as it was a sign that she had inherited Ross's coloring. Her eyes, however, appeared blue but that was usual with newborns. They would have to wait until she was a few months old to see if they changed color at all.
"Ross? Come see your daughter. I thought to name her Hannah Mary," Demelza said quietly.
Ross glanced up at his wife, the sound of her gentle voice reaching his soul. He moved up the bed to sit beside her, his hand reaching for the baby. Demelza pulled back the blanket so that he could see her face. The child slept peacefully, she features those of her mother.
"She's so small, Demelza," he said.
Turning her head towards his, she grinned.
"Yes, Ross. That's to be expected since she wasn't supposed to make her entrance for another month or so. I'm afraid that it's my fault," Demelza replied.
"What is your fault?" Ross asked. He wondered if this was going to lead to the discussion they'd both been avoiding.
"Her coming early. I shouldn't have been working in the garden. Perhaps if I just left things alone, she'd not come so soon. Now if she becomes ill or worse, I'll have only myself to blame," she responded tears clearly in her voice.
Ross saw his wife's dilemma and knew he should allay her fears but something held him back. Why was he finding it so hard to give Demelza the love and support she deserved? He still loved her. He would always love her. That he knew in his heart. It was this uncertainty about her that set an invisible barrier between them. And she didn't even know it. Or did she? Ross knew his wife's intuitive personality was strong and over the months she must have felt the change in him. Now they were faced with the reality that some else might have infiltrated their marriage and he was at a loss. Again, he was relying on Demelza to lead the way.
He put his own emotions aside regarding Hugh and slipped his arm around his wife. She seemed so slight against his chest as if she were still a child herself. Instinctively he kissed her head and caressed her arm.
"Don't worry my love. With your mothering, Hannah will thrive," Ross assured her.
"I hope so Ross. 'Tis just that I…" she paused before finishing the thought because something else distracted her.
Demelza was worried because the baby still had not looked to nurse which all her other children did as soon as possible. Fretting that her daughter needed nourishment and was too weak to find it on her own, Demelza brushed a finger to the child's cheek in an attempt to see if she would respond. It took a couple of tries but finally, she opened her mouth, and like a baby bird, searched for her mother. Forgetting Ross and the conversation she wanted to have with him, Demelza opened her shift and led the little girl to her breast. She seemed to have a hard time rooting on to suckle. Also because of her early arrival, Demelza's milk still hadn't come in. The child was struggling to get any kind of sustenance from Demelza's body, which now turned into cries of frustration. Demelza's feeling of guilt at putting her child in danger added to the tense situation.
"Ross, she's not taking to my breast. She has to eat. This has never happened before. What am I to do?" she cried.
"Dwight is still here. Let me fetch him. Perhaps he can help. If not, we might need to find a wet nurse," he suggested.
"No! I don't want anyone else caring for Hannah," she stated.
"Demelza," he tried to reason.
"Just get Dwight and I'll keep trying to feed her. She might just be tired."
Ross rose and went to find his friend. He stopped at the door to look at Demelza and the baby, hoping that the immediate love he felt for his other children would come. It didn't. Leaving the scene, he descended the stairs where he found Dwight in the parlor, resting his head against a chair.
"Dwight, can you come, please? Demelza is having a hard time feeding the child and is worried something else is wrong," Ross said.
He spoke hurriedly and didn't stand still long enough to wait for a reply.
"Yes of course. These things are not uncommon in situations such as this, but I'll see what I can do."
The men walked back to the bedroom to find Demelza in tears but the baby seeming to nurse. Dwight walked slowly to the bed, not wanting to startle mother or child but also because he felt a little embarrassed intruding on such a personal scene.
"Demelza?" he called. "Is everything alright?"
He stood at the foot of the bed and noticed that Ross stayed back at the door. There was something going on with his friend but he could not figure out what it was. It was as if he was unhappy with the birth of another child. Demelza looked up from watching her daughter and gave Dwight a small smile.
"Yes. It seems to be so now. But Dwight, I don't think I'm strong enough to feed her as often as she is going to need. And I don't want to use a wet nurse. What else can we do?"
Dwight looked from his patient to his friend as he devised some kind of solution for them.
"You're right. You need as much rest as the child and so getting up ever few hours to feed her will work against your getting well. If you are adamant about not using a wet nurse, then I do have another idea," Dwight said.
Demelza's eyes widened as Ross came to join the discussion.
"What is it?" she asked.
"You do have farm animals, cows, and goats. Supplement your nursing with their milk. You could soak a rag and have the baby suckle that. This way anyone can feed her while you rest. And save the nursing for when you are awake."
Ross looked at his friend as if he'd lost his mind but saw Demelza had immediately taken to the idea.
"Dwight you're a genius," Demelza said. She then turned to Ross and added," What would we do without Dwight?"
"I don't know my love. He always seems to come to the rescue," Ross said.
"I think that goes both ways," Dwight said.
"Well, then we will do as Dwight says. I'll have Prudie find fresh linens that we can use as feeding rags. She can help with feeding the baby as well," Ross proposed.
Ross stood next to Demelza when she took his hand in hers and brought it to her cheek.
"You too Ross," Dwight suggested.
"Me?"
"Why of course. You want Demelza to regain her strength, don't you? There's no reason why you can't feed your daughter as well. It's called parent participation."
Dwight enjoyed teasing his best friend but he always had an ulterior motive for this suggestion. It might just bring Ross out of his self-induced isolation and back to Demelza and their child. He then looked at Demelza and smiled. This had been a long pregnancy for her filled with an underlying tone of sadness. Dwight had only attended her during Jeremy but even then, with all the things that she and Ross were going through financially, she was happy, joyful about the new arrival. This time something was different but he didn't know exactly what that might be. He wondered if it had anything to do with when she had first come to him to confirm her suspicions about being with child. At the time she offered more information and asked for more explanation than normal for this situation. It was as if she was unsure of something. Dwight didn't think any more of it, putting it down to Demelza feeling that she was getting older and that having a child at this age-which was still extremely young—might be throwing her body off. There was also the fact that Ross was away more adding to her responsibilities around the estate and mine. She might have thought that added to an irregular cycle. He eased her fears and told her that she was in peak health and that if she had relayed her dates correctly the baby would be due the end of February putting conception at the end of May. Of course, this is the one part of medical science that is not always precise but where Demelza was concerned she was as regular as the moon and knew her body better than anyone else. Now as he thought back to their conversations during the past months he was beginning to see what might have been bothering her and in turn, Ross.
However, it was not Dwight's place to interfere in his friend's personal lives unless asked. For his records, Demelza Poldark delivered a female child, January 15th, approximately four weeks before her due date of February 10th or thereabouts.
"Well, it seems we've settled all this for now. I'll leave you alone and I'll fill out the birth record for you. Have you chosen a name?" he asked.
"Demelza has. Hannah Mary Poldark," Ross answered.
"That's lovely," Dwight said. "I would suggest one thing and please don't take this in the wrong way but once Demelza is a little stronger I would suggest having the baby baptized."
Demelza looked up at Ross and back to Dwight. She knew what he meant and again felt a little heartsick. There was still a possibility that this child would not survive. Ross understood his thought process as well and hadn't considered that they would lose another child. They would lose, he said again. For if something did happen to this child, they would experience it together. Maybe not as keenly as the loss of Julia, but still together.
"Ross? Dwight is right. We must make arrangements as soon as possible," she said, her gaze focused on her now sleeping daughter.
"Demelza I think the first order of business is getting you well and then we can have a christening," Ross said simply.
"But Ross if anything should happen…"
"My love, nothing will happen," he replied.
Dwight felt the need to step in.
"Ross, there is always a possibility that something could happen. Remember, the child is normal and fine overall, but she is still underdeveloped in some aspects so we must be prepared. Just in case," Dwight said cautiously.
Ross saw the concern on Dwight's face that Demelza did not see. His friend seemed to feel that it was a real possibility that this child might not live, no matter how much love and care she got. What he found disconcerting was that he was not that upset but he couldn't let Demelza see it.
"I'll go to Rev. Odgers in the morning and make arrangements. If anything, he can come here and baptize her," he said. Then he moved to Demelza. "Have no worries my love. Everything will be fine."
Satisfied that his work here was done, Dwight left unnoticed by Ross or Demelza. He hoped that he was wrong about the situation with Hannah and prayed that she and parents were strong enough to deal with whatever might come.
