Can't Understand Nothing Today, by Dickfart
Bella Swan was Prego. Not preggo, but Prego. She was an actual jar of spaghetti sauce. Even as a jar of spaghetti sauce she was clumsy, and she fell off the countertop, shattering into a million pieces. Charlie said "FUCK!" because he has to mop now. Poor Charlie.
Meanwhile, Edward Cullen was on fire with a wooden stake driven through his heart. Eventually he died, and would rise from the dead and become Cedric Diggory, a Hufflepuff who was well-known for fantasizing about Harry Potter nude in the prefect bathtub.
The End
