A/N: This is a new idea I got...

Prologue


I was slowly drifting…drifting far away from this chaotic, cruel world. What happened to me? What did I do to deserve such a fate? I believed that this was the right thing for me, something I needed to do on my own. Something that would bring me an entirely new life; something that was long overdue. I needed this – more than anything. But if that were the case, then why does it feel so wrong? Why do I feel like time is just dragging on, not dragging, just not necessary? It's as if time is something I no longer need, same with food. I just feel like my body can no longer withstand it.

It felt as if – not only the world was flipped upside down – but also it wasn't spinning at all. As if the roller coaster has been stopped and I'm hanging suspended in the air upside down; the fear of losing my grip a very ominous sensation in my stomach and extending down to my toes.

As if I wasn't feeling miserable enough. I felt angry with myself. Angry for letting him go, angry for hurting him, and angry for leaving the way I did. I was sad – more than sad – that I'd finally gotten everything I'd ever wanted from him and so much more, and I let it go; threw it to the wind. I felt guilty, and desperate for him to call me, and blocked in concentration, and several other emotions all at once. The impact of the emotions all at once was beyond overwhelming.

But I could live with those. I woke up in the mornings, pushing them away and getting ready for my day. I went to the studios at Bermondsey Records and tried to work my hardest. When the day was done, I'd come home, eat, watch TV, try to write, and finally pass out. Then, I'd start all over again. This morning was different. This morning I got the call, and it changed my life. I honestly don't believe that I'll ever have a chance at happiness again. Not ever.

The moment I got off the phone, I dropped it on the counter and walked into the kitchen to finish cleaning. I had an appointment with the manager of my new possible-band. I followed through with the meeting and went through my day pretty normal. I think my mind was refusing to wrap around those simple words Sadie had spoken. Simple? There was nothing simple about it. It was some cruel joke. What kind of heartless bastard would joke about something like this? Why? Maybe I deserved it after the way I left…just left him.

It wasn't until the night before my flight back home – three days after it supposedly happened, two after it came to my realization – that it finally hit me…with full force. I was watching a TV show and sort of dozing, when I finally decided to go to bed. I stood up, and looked up at the bookshelf. My empty bookshelf. I had only been living here for two months, so I hadn't yet gotten around to decorating. However, I had some important, framed photographs on the top shelves. One of my family, one of SME, one of Jamie, one of Patsy and I, one of Karma and Spied's wedding, and a few of me and Tommy. I couldn't bear to put them away. I had to see them, to remember that what we had, who we were, was real. It really happened.

I paused, scanning the pictures and hesitating on the ones with Tommy and me. But there was one in particular that stood out, the one that had been taken the morning after he proposed. I had almost forgotten this picture. I was wrapped in his arms, both of us smiling uncontrollably, with the new diamond glistening on my finger. We were both glowing… As I looked at this picture, it finally clicked. I felt the weight crushing me and suddenly it was hard to breathe. My legs moved me to my bathroom where I crumpled up on the floor. I finally – FINALLY – let the tears flow. The screams of pain, the violent spasms rippling through me, the crushing weight on my heart shredding it to pieces before burning them…I let it all out. After awhile, the tears flowed much slower and the shaking stopped. I lay on the cold, tiled floor, feeling more numb than I ever thought imaginable. My whole body felt as if I'd just suffered a brutal torture and was shutting down to avoid feeling anymore. I lay there for what felt like hours, before finally sitting up. My throat was so tight, and my chest felt like it'd been ripped open and left lying on the floor.

As soon as I sat straight, I felt a sudden sting shoot through my stomach. I opened the lid of the toilet and emptied the contents from my belly. I lay back, pressing my face against the cold wall, hoping to calm myself down. I stood up to the sink, rinsed my face and mouth, before walking to the bed and collapsing onto it. I couldn't believe this. How? How the fuck could something so…horrible happen? How? WHY? WHAT DID I DO? Why?

I screamed these unanswered questions to my ceiling, begging to know why…begging for a reason that seemed good enough. No reason would EVER be good enough. I knew sleep would never come, but it eventually did. The screaming subsided, and I fell into a restless, and shallow sleep. No dreams tonight. I couldn't allow this. I WOULDN'T allow it. I would refuse to believe it. It had to be – no matter how cruel – a joke. It just had to…this can't be real, can't be happening. Not to me…no.

As the darkness finally swept me under, I prayed it would never let me go. I didn't want to feel…couldn't handle the pain. I couldn't. I prayed I would never wake up.


A/N: Hey everyone. This is a new fic I've decided to start. I have a huge plan for this one…and it's post-finale so…that's exciting. This one is not going to be cheery, I'll warn you now, though you've probably guessed that by now. I will try to continue on my other fics. Right now I really want to work on BlueEyed Surprise and Just A Dream. I love my other fics; I'm just not sure where to take them yet. So thank you for your patience. I wanted to work on writing a lot while I was on vacation, but it was difficult without having my own computer. And when I returned home, my Internet was disabled so I am so sorry for the longest delay in the history of long delays. I still love you guys, and I'm really thinking about my stories. I want to continue all of them so much, but it's very difficult. Some of them I haven't thought about plots for in over a year, so it's not easy. I'll try though and I cannot promise anything. Right now I want to work on my three latest stories and especially get this one started. I have not forgotten my other popular two and should have updates soon-ish. So, this fic takes place post-finale, about seven weeks after Jude left for her rockstar life. Everything else is the same, so just keep reading. The situations with everyone else are the same as the show left them. Anyways, hope y'all enjoy this fic. I am really looking forward to writing this one. More so than the others; I've got a huge plot set up. Thanks for the patience…thank you guys so much. As always I love reviews. Even I can see how much my writing's improved even in just the last year and I thank you for that.

NEW NOTE: I found out it is actually Bermondsey Records...seeing as Bermondsey is a place in London...so yeah. Sorry...I'm very picky about that stuff so I fixed it. I should have Chapter One up soonish...guys sorry. School started and ugh...high school is so not fun. Least not for my writing... Thanks to my two reviewers..hopefully we'll get more as we go on, eh?

Much love,

XoXo,
Nicole