Three little words
They were sitting in front of the TV, her head resting comfortable in his lap, his hand stroking patterns on her left arm, following some weird reality TV show he never ever thought he would be willing to watch, but like a lot of things that normally would annoy him he kind of started to like them because easy at that, she liked them.
He didn't even noticed when it started, but he kind of likes everything that involves being with her, even when it included watching some mindless show. He is feeling her, Andy fucking McNally in his lap and that is worth something, no not something – everything to him. The heat of her body spreads through him and he feels home. Andy is his home.
But today his mind is not processing what happens on the screen, he barely registers people calling each other by the strangest names… Snookie or something like that.
He thinks back to what happened some hours ago in his truck, before heading home after shift. Her sitting already in the drivers seat, him getting into the truck – not even bothering that she was going to drive his truck – and than she started...
Telling him that she loves him, rambling it ten or twenty times, he couldn't tell, his brain seemed to shut down at the very moment he heard her saying it the first time.
He just sat there and stared at her, not knowing what the hell he was supposed to do.
His mouth seemed not willing to form the words that his mind was screaming. It was not the first time, no; this three words are already in his brain since the day she got shot at Supernova, hell, maybe even when she burst through his door the night of the blackout, throwing him against the wall, finding his lips that were more than eager to respond to her searing hot kisses.
At least then he knew why he couldn't tell her what she means to him.
She would have thought he was crazy that he wanted to mess with her, that it was one of his many jokes or even worse, her running away from him, maybe not physically but mentally because she wouldn't have been ready, her hyperaware flight mode would have kicked in and she would have closed herself in within the thick brick wall that normally wasn't there when she was with him. That he knew was there when she was with Callaghan.
And now?
Now he has no reason, no flimsy excuse why he can't say those words back to her.
But in the car he just stared at her, he didn't know if it was seconds or minutes, like some stupid boy who was to scared to talk about his feelings.
She gave him an out, saw his baffled look and told him he didn't need to say it back. Not now, not ever.
After that she started the truck and drove them to his house. The whole way home was in a blur for him.
So how was he going to tell her that he was feeling IT. That he just can't bring his mouth to form the words? That she was the most important person for him? That he never felt like this before?
He hopes, maybe kind of knows that she is aware how important she is to him, he tries to show it to her every single day. Being at her side, believing in her, backing her up, stopping her from overthinking things, hell even watching stupid reality shows with her. Without a single complaint.
But he also knows that she needs him to say it, even when she tells him differently.
She looks at him, her big brown eyes questioning what is going on in his furrowed forehead.
"Sam? Hey.. The show is over, wanna go to bed?"
"Hmm...What? Oh, sure, sorry must have dozed off."
She giggles. How is everything she does so damn adorable?
"Dozed off? With open eyes? Hell you have to tell me how that works! Would make desk duty so much easier.."
A big grin is displayed on her face, he knows she didn't believe a single word he said, but she isn't questioning him further.
He is greatful for it. She just always seemes to know when he isn't ready to spill his thoughts, but he knows sooner or later he would have to talk to her.
She takes his hand that was still brushing up and down her arm, gets up from the couch and drags him with her to the bedroom.
Tomorrow, he thinks, I tell her tomorrow. Tell her that I love her since the day she was bursting into my live.
