Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, the BBC, or the English Channel.


"This is BBC World News. Fear and paranoia gripped the United Kingdom yesterday evening when thousands of citizens were found dead in their living rooms. Preliminary autopsy reports indicate that the victims all died at the same time, coinciding exactly with the ending of BBC One's broadcast of the latest episode of the popular science fiction series, Doctor Who."

The president of the Beeb was not a happy man. "The BBC's stock prices have been in free-fall ever since the deaths occurred," he grumbled, pacing back and forth at the table where his board of directors had gathered. "Somehow we must find the cause of the mass deaths, determine whether a connection exists between the deaths and the airing of Doctor Who, and make whatever repairs are necessary to our public image."

To everyone's surprise, two visitors marched into the boardroom—none other than the Doctor himself, and companion Donna Noble. "I believe I can be of assistance," said the grinning man in the long brown overcoat.

"What the blazes?" said the president. "Aren't the two of you fictional?"

"In this universe we're fictional," Donna told him. "But with the barriers between universes collapsing, the TARDIS is becoming more difficult to control…so here we are."

"I'm the Doctor, and here's my diagnosis," said the Time Lord animatedly. "Symptom: Thousands of Englishmen and Englishwomen hunched over in their easy chairs, having given up the ghost at the exact moment of the cliffhanger ending to the latest installment of the television programme you so vulgarly call Doctor Who. Cause: Your universe has been invaded by evil alien life forms known as Suspensors."

"What the blazes are Suspensors?" asked the president of the BBC.

"Very nasty, very timorous beasties," the Doctor explained. "They feed on unresolved tension; it's their nectar. Any time you tell a joke to a friend and wait a second or two to deliver the punch line; any time you pick up the telephone to ask a pretty girl for a date, fearful of what the response will be; any time you present a cliffhanger like last night's, with Earth overrun by Daleks and myself on the verge of regenerating…any time suspense on such a magnitude is generated, the Suspensors descend like vultures, sucking the life force out of the hapless souls who are waiting with bated breath to see what happens next."

"Merciful heavens, Doctor," said the president. "You can hardly expect us to go public with the news that watching a cliffhanger may be fatal. Cliffhangers are the lifeblood of our business—they're the only thing that keeps the viewers tuned in from week to week. There must be another way to guard against these creatures."

"There's only one other defense," the Doctor stated, "and that is…"

TO BE CONTINUED