A/N Hello, and welcome to Chapter One of The Angels Stole My Fanfic!

So, you're probably thinking two things right now. First: 'Why am I writing this weeks after episode 5 went out?' and second: 'Er... I'm not really sure what this is.' I was planning to write something about Doctor Who as it aired, but due to a load of schoolwork, it never really came to be - and I've wanted to do this particular fic for a long time anyway.

And second: well, you might be thinking that this looks a tad familiar. And it is, sort of. This is an adaptation of the awesome Queenoftheoutlands' Amusing Reviews - thanks for the permission on that one - where she went through an episode of a certain series, parodying/praising it. And this'll be the same, only with episodes of part one of series seven of Doctor Who and plenty more gratuitous geek references. Also, I'll be splitting the episodes into two, for a slightly easier read.

THE ANGELS STOLE MY FANFIC - ASYLUM OF THE DALEKS: PART 1

My first thought when the title leaked was 'Doctor Who meets Batman?', by the way. I was playing too much Arkham City.

I. Portentous voice-over 101.

VOICE-OVER OF EXTREME PORTENT - First, there were the Daleks.

EVERYONE ELSE Skaro?!

VOICE-OVER And then there was a man who fought them. And in time, he -

EVERYONE ELSE What the bloody hell is going on?

VOICE-OVER - died.

EVERYONE ELSE I think we know something you don't...

That is one impressive Dalek statue. Makes you wonder how the Daleks built it. Actually, come to think of it, what would a Dalek construction site look like, anyway? Daleks in hard hats drinking tea?

II. Inside the statue of doom

NOT!EVIL WOMAN Why hello there, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR *walks awesomely through the fire* So why did you bring me here anyway? I was having a great time, hanging around the TARDIS, moping.]

NOT!EVIL WOMAN Er... sounds like a great time. Anyway, I can't really remember why I brought you here...

THE DOCTOR Oh crap

TOTALLY EVIL WOMAN Dalek hand-gun!

THE DOCTOR This is not a good day.

DALEKS One nil to the Daleks!

III. From an alien planet to a modelling shoot. Only in Doctor Who

Anyway, what's Amy trying to model here? Black eye shadow (Morgana would be proud)? Finger tattoos? Hair dryers? (I'm going for the latter, to be honest).

ANNOYING PA Amy? Your husband's here. I'm really, really happy about this, by the way. Not sure why.

AMY I don't have a husband.

Sorry, what?

RORY You have to sign these papers. Then I'm off to die again.

AMY Signed. Now go away, I have some very, very serious work to do.

Sorry, am I missing something?

CREEPY!HAIRDRESSER Hello Amy. I'm so not evil.

AMY Who the scarf are you?

CREEPY!HAIRDRESSER Your worst nightmare. Dalek gun time!

AMY Well, poop.

IV. Meanwhile, on London's only empty bus...

RORY I'm sorry, why is this bus empty?

NOT!EVIL BUS DRIVER Because plot. Anyway, might as well get it over with.

RORY Get what over with?

NOT!EVIL BUS DRIVER This. Dalek hand gun!

And that's approximately Rory's twenty-sixth death, not including that one where he turned into Old Merlin and went all psycho on Amy.

V. Gosh, there's a lot of scenes in this... ahem, pre-titles sequence.

RORY So, much trouble are we in?

DOCTOR Out of ten? Eleven.

RORY That doesn't even make any sense.

DOCTOR You don't make any sense. Anyway, meet my new Dalek buddies. This is Gary, and this is Phil.

GARY THE DALEK WOULD - YOU - CARE - FOR - SOME - HOB - NOBS?

AMY I'm not sure if this is the right script.

VI. Where the magic happens

DOCTOR Ooh, the Parliament of the Daleks. Always wanted to go here.

AMY So, why are we here anyway?

DOCTOR Ask the Daleks. They'll know something.

AMY Daleks, why are we here?

DALEKS SAVE THE DALEKS! SAVE THE DALEKS! YOU DON'T HAVE A BLOODY CHOICE! SAVE US OR DIE!

DOCTOR Wait, what?

Opening titles, how nice of you to show up. You're a bit late.

VII. Prepare for a shock

JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN Hi everyone! Tricked you good and proper, didn't I? You thought I wasn't coming along until Christmas, but here I am, making souffles and listening to Carmen while the Daleks pound on my front door.

THE FANDOM *shakes fists* MOFFAT!

DOCTOR I'm really not sure what's going on here. Look, a jellyfish in a jar!

PRIME MINISTER I am not a jellyfish. Anyway, pleasure to meet you. My name's Boris. We want you to go down into our asylum, and blow the crap out of it, k?

DOCTOR Fine. As long as you let us out alive.

BORIS THE PRIME MINISTER No promises.

RORY Just a heads up, I'm feeling really left out.

SLAVE Off you go!

I'm really not sure about that CG vortex...

VIII. Welcome to the Asylum

DOCTOR This is a bit nicer than expected. No Daleks anywhere. Apart from that one.

That's because it's really Spain, Doctor.

HARVEY Hey.

DOCTOR Bugger, he's more clever than I am. That sucks.

AMY Where's Rory?

DOCTOR *shifty eyes* He may or may not have been beamed down there.

AMY This day just gets better and better.

JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN I'm still here, everyone!

DOCTOR Jenna-Louise Coleman! You're a bit early.

JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN I know, I felt like turning up now. Wait, didn't you hear me earlier?

DOCTOR I was too busy talking to Boris.

JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN To who?!

HARVEY Oh, um... want to see my spaceship?

IX. This was not a good idea

DOCTOR Where's your crew?

HARVEY They're uh... right here.

THE CREW *are dead*

HARVEY But... I was just there with them...

THE CREW *are also living skeletons*

DOCTOR Oh dear. Not again.

HARVEY Also, in case you hadn't figured it out, I'm a Dalek really.

AMY Doctor?

DOCTOR Yes?

AMY I've really missed this. Also, the skeletons took my bracelet, so I'm probably going to turn into a Dalek soon-ish. Just a heads up.

X. Meanwhile, inside the Asylum...

RORY Ouch. Where the fish am I?

MAD DALEK Eggs.

RORY Sorry, what?

MAD DALEK EGGS!

RORY I'm feeling just a little bit worried here.

DALEK EGGS!

RORY Jeez, alright, I'll get your eggs.

MAD DALEK TER!

RORY I'm beginning to regret going on that bus

MAD DALEK MI!

MAD DALEK NATE!

RORY Crap.

DALEKS EXTERMINATE RORY! WE MUST KILL HIM! AGAIN!

JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN Hello Rory.

RORY Oh no, it's her again.

JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN Touchy. It's almost like you know that I'm going to replace you after something horrible and traumatizing happens to you and Amy.

TO! BE! CONTINUED!

If you enjoyed this, please review! Constructive criticism is more than welcome, but, y'know, be nice. Part two of Asylum of the Daleks, will be up next week.