Title: Mary
Author: Saskia Albert
Email: Saskia.Albert@t-online.de
Category: Abby/Carter (Carby)
Rating: PG 13
Spoilers: season 8 final "Lockdown", slight ones for the first eps of season 9
Summary: A kiss is just a kiss. Or not? (Takes place after the last scene of Lockdown)
Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going
Disclaimer: I don't own any of ER's characters. I just use them for my stories. Any other characters have been created by me. J
Author's Notes: For those of you who don't know it, yet: I'm not a native speaker, so there can still be mistakes. But I did my best, though. J
~°~°~°
Sometimes
I think of all the things
I should have said
I hope it's not too late
I wanna make you understand
If the world crashes down over me
I know that my life is complete
Cause I've held you
In my arms all night
(E. Iglesias / If the world crashes down)
~°~°~°
Mary
By Saskia Albert
PART 1
Chicago General Hospital
Chicago
Emergency Room
Thursday
1 am
She trembled. Her blood was rushing through her veins, her hands clutching his shirt as he carefully drew her closer to him, hands resting on her waist. The ice bag she'd been holding slipped out of her hands and fell on the floor but she didn't care. None of them cared about anything but this moment, the feelings, the emotions they were experiencing. New and strange, some even scary. But she wanted to feel it, to feel everything that could be felt in this very moment. No thinking, just feeling with all of her senses. Feeling his skin on hers, tasting his lips that were touching hers longingly, inhaling his scent. A familiar yet new scent, a mixture of desinfectioning spray, sweat, soap and a slight touch of after-shave.
She felt a painful awakening when their lips slowly parted to allow both to catch their breathes. She didn't want this to end and kept her eyes closed for a while. She knew as soon as she would open them again, nothing would be how it used to be some minutes ago. And suddenly this old, familiar feeling of fear came back to her. She hated it but couldn't prevent or stop it. It was part of her character and a kind of self-protection she had used to built up as a consequence of what she had experienced in her life, things that had changed her life. And she didn't like when things changed in her life. A change meant letting go of all familiar things and letting go meant losing control and losing control was something she would never allow herself. She couldn't. She was an addict. And losing control had always resulted in addiction, in painful relapses. She was still trying to fight against the current relapse and she was on the right way. Another loss of control was something that could result in another relapse.
And yet, there was no way back. Things had changed. Again. Abby became too painfully aware of that when she finally opened her eyes just to find another pair of brown eyes staring into hers intently. In his eyes, she found exactly what she had been afraid of. So many things she'd never thought she would see, so many emotions she had never imagined someone would ever keep for her, things she had never wanted to believe would actually exist. A part of her wanted to gratefully accept those feelings, the gift someone was offering her but another part told her she couldn't take it because it would complicate her life. And above all, it would complicate his life, as well. She was sure that it was a gift so precious that she couldn't give anything comparable in return.
"You cold?" His concerned voice brought her back to reality. He gently stroke a strand of her hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear and smiled lightly. Abby looked up at him.
"Hmm? No, why?"
Carter caressed her arm with the backside of his hand.
"You're shivering."
"Oh…no. I'm fine. I was just….I don't know. But I'm fine." Carefully releasing herself from his embrace, she strolled back and pulled herself on the gurney behind them.
"I guess sleep-deprivation is finally catching up on me." Abby yawned and rubbed her eyes, then focused her eyes on the ground. She couldn't face him.
Carter studied her for a second, then made himself comfortable next to her. Silence filled the room. He didn't know what to say. Of course, he knew what he was dying to tell her but this was just not the right place, the right moment to do it. And he was still trying to realize what had just happened a few minutes ago. Yes, he realized that IT had finally happened. He'd done it. They'd done it. Done something he'd been wanting to do for such a long time. At a point where he'd almost given up hope that things would ever change between them, that it would be more than friendship they'd share. And yet, he wasnn't sure whether it had been the right place and time to get things going and whether Abby had wanted it, too. Sure, she'd more or less told him some time ago that she also wanted something to happen between them and she'd always been there for him, more than a friend could have been but still…those little doubts didn't stop to bother him. Moreover, he couldn't have chosen a more inappropriate time for the change. Abby was still suffering from her relapse, having her own problems so she wouldn't probably be in the mood or sensitive for this. Anyway, it was too late to change it, nor to take it back and part of him didn't want to take it back, so they had to go on. This way or that way. If she would only tell him what she was feeling. But this was just not Abby.
Carter nervously swung his legs back and forth before he finally dared to take a look at Abby who was still sitting next to him. He felt like a teenager who had just kissed his first date but unfortunately this time, it was something serious and he wasn't a teenager anymore.
She could literally feel his gaze on her face and turned her head to face him. Abby shrugged her shoulders.
"What?"
"Abby…"
Just as Carter was about to talk to her, they heard someone knocking at the door. Seeing who it was, Carter jumped off the gurney and went to the door. Through the glass, he could picture Susan, her coat completely drenched with blood. He went closer to the door thus he could hear what she was trying to tell him through the glass.
"Susan? What… the hell is happening out there?!" Carter tried to speak as loud as possible and pointed on her bloody coat. "You need help?"
Susan raised one hand to stop him.
"Calm down, Carter. Everything's okay. Well, at least for us. Romano just went through hell."
"Romano? What happened to him? He got smallpox?" Carter nervously crossed his arms. It was killing him not to know what was going on in the rest of the ER and above all, that he was not able to help anyone.
Abby jumped off the gurney and went to Carter as soon as she heard Romano's name in connection with smallpox.
"Susan, what happened?"
"We don't have another case of smallpox so far. He had an accident with the helicopter. We had to reattach his arm."
Abby's and Carter eyes almost popped out of their heads.
"What?! He lost his arm? Is he okay? Does Weaver know?" Carter was concerned.
Susan nodded.
"Yes, she does. He lost a lot of blood but he's stable now. Everything's under control for now, Carter."
Carter raised and eyebrow at Susan.
"Under control? We are stuck in this damn room, one of our best surgeons loses his arm and the rest of the world is fighting against smallpox. You gotta tell me when something's getting out of control, ok?!" Carter answered sarcastically and immediately regretted what he'd just said. He didn't intend to get mad at Susan or anyone but sleep-deprivation, stress and hectic were finally catching up on him.
Abby touched his arm.
"Carter, come on. It's been a hard day for all of us."
Carter looked at Abby and then back at Susan.
"Sorry. But this sucks already."
Susan smiled.
"Nevermind. Listen, I don't have much time, need to go back and look after Romano. Luka needs help. Just wanted to check whether everything's okay with you two."
Abby smiled lightly and sighed while Carter strolled back and leant against a wall in the back of the room.
"Couldn't be any better."
Susan smiled back.
"I see. Well then, need to hurry up. See you later." She turned around and Abby watched her running down the hall and disappearing behind a door. She wondered where the situation was worse – here or outside. Sighing, she turned around and went to Carter who had already sat down, leaning with his back against the wall, elbows resting on his knees. He looked up when Abby sat down next to him.
"Everything okay?"
Carter gazed at Abby, then nodded.
"Yeah. I've had better days."
"Bet Romano has had better days, too. Do you think he'll lose his arm?"
Carter shrugged his shoulders.
"Possibly. Don't know. They reattached it but that doesn't mean that it will function properly again. It's not against all odds that he may lose it, I'm afraid."
"He's one of the best surgeons I've ever seen. It would kill him."
"Certainly."
Carter focused his eyes back on the ground. For a few seconds, this awkward silence filled the room. Abby didn't like this kind of silence between them. It occurred each time some things had remained unspoken and it reminded her that sooner or later, someone would bring it on. She took a quick look at her watch.
"Another 10 hours and it'll be over", she remarked, stroking another strand of hair behind her ear.
Carter rose his head.
"Over?"
"Well, at least for us. We can leave this damn room."
Carter smiled.
"Oh, yeah. On the other hand…", he paused.
Abby looked at him curiously of what he was on about.
"On the other hand, what?"
A cheeky grin appeared on his face.
"Um, nothing."
"Oh come on, Carter. On the other hand, what?", Abby pleaded and carefully pushed with her elbow against his. She hated it whenever he was teasing her like this but Carter enjoyed his game.
"On the other hand, well….. it could be worse." He kept grinning at Abby whose eyes snapped wide open. She sure hoped he was kidding.
"It could be worse? It could be worse?! Oh, of course. We could be stuck here together with Kerry. Sorry, I forgot", Abby replied.
Carter couldn't help and bursted out laughing and Abby joined him. She was the first to catch her breath again after a few seconds.
"So what, Carter? Why could it have been worse? I couldn't imagine it getting even worse."
He hesitated for a moment before he took hold of her hand.
"It would have been worse if you hadn't been here with me."
His words made her froze. She wished she'd been able to move or react but she couldn't. Her eyes locked with his and she couldn't focus them on something else even though one part of her told her to stop it, to run away, run away from being hurt again, from open up to someone, from too much closeness.
Before she could do anything, Carter covered her face with his hands and placed a kiss on her forehead. Resting his forehead against hers, he whispered,
"I'm glad you're here."
Abby's heart almost melted at those words and his touch. And yet, she was fighting a constant battle with herself, her mind and her heart. She couldn't do that. It wouldn't work. Never. Slowly taking his hands off her face, Abby tried to say something.
"Carter…"
Carter looked at her in surprise.
"What?"
"I…uh… I'm tired."
She jumped to her feet and Carter watched her.
"Oh, I see. Sure. It's been a hard day." He tried to sound as polite as possible but something deep inside him told him that something was wrong. He didn't like her reaction. Maybe it was just the situation they were in right now. Maybe…and if not? He wasn't in the mood for longer discussions, so he agreed on getting some sleep. Tomorrow would be a better day. Hopefully.
Pointing at the gurney, he offered,
"You can take it if you like."
Abby instantly shook her head.
"No, Carter. You're having a bad back. You better take the gurney. I take the floor."
"You really think I'd let a lady sleep on the floor?"
Abby tried to convince him.
"Carter, please…"
"No way. You take the gurney, I take the floor", he insisted.
Abby sighed. She wasn't in the mood for a longer discussion, either, so she finally agreed, went to the gurney and laid down on it.
Lying on the gurney, she rolled over on one side to face Carter who was now lying on the floor, his hands providing a more or less comfortable pillow for his head.
"You will regret this tomorrow", she commented.
"Maybe", he replied and closed his eyes.
"You're crazy." Abby smiled, rolled over to the other side and closed her eyes, too.
"Maybe."
"Goodnight, Carter."
"Goodnight, Abby."
This was going to be a tough night, Abby thought before she finally drifted off to sleep. A tough night. But tomorrow was going to be even harder. She feared tomorrow.
3 am
Carter kept his eyes closed but couldn't sleep. He was tired and exhausted but too many thoughts and images relating to the passed day were going through his mind. And last but not least, he was still feeling hot and the floor was the less comfortable place to sleep on he had ever imagined. His back hurt like hell. Suddenly, he wished he had accepted Abby's offer and chosen the gurney. On the other hand, he knew that he'd rather die than asking her to sleep on the floor. Even though he was sure she would have agreed if he'd just asked.
It was something they had in common. They'd always be there for each other, no matter what. She had been there for him and he had been there for her. Always.
He remembered the day he had coincidentally found out about her relapse and that she had started drinking again. It had hit him like a knife. Not because she had done it again but because he hadn't been there to prevent it. He had never forgiven himself that he hadn't been there for her before although Abby had never complaint about that.
Carter opened his eyes and looked at Abby who was lying peacefully on the gurney. He wondered whether she was asleep or still trying to fall asleep like him. He watched her for a while. Her breathing was slow and calm, so he figured she'd finally fallen asleep.
A smile grew on his face. It was funny to him when he remembered how much he had hated her once. He had hated her for reporting his narcotics addiction to Mark and Kerry. And then he had realized that she'd saved his life. They had probably had the worst conditions for starting a good friendship but now, this friendship had turned out to be the most precious one he had ever had. But where were they now? Today, they had crossed the lines and Carter didn't know where they were going to. Sure, he didn't regret having kissed her since he had been longing to do this for ages but he felt he needed a kind of confirmation from Abby's side just to be sure he'd done the right thing. He needed to know whether she had wanted it, too, or whether it had just been an impulse she was already regretting. How he wished she had reacted differently but something was wrong with her. He had a feeling that she was trying to maintain a certain distance between them and it had nothing to do with the unusual situation they were currently in. Maybe she would talk to him tomorrow. Maybe.
He tried to focus on something else and closed his eyes again. He could hear sirenes of ambulances coming from afar and people were talking outside, running, yelling. Susan and Luka maybe, but he wasn't sure. And for a moment he was glad he'd got stuck in this room with Abby because Luka and Susan wouldn't get any sleep tonight. Not tonight. The noise slowly faded away and before he had noticed it, Carter had fallen asleep.
11 am
"Carter? Carter! Get up."
Carter awoke abruptly when he felt someone shaking him and calling his name. He could barely see who it was that had woken him because the bright light was causing pain in his eyes and he could only glimpse. But judging from his voice, he knew it was Luka.
"Luka?", hj mumbled, rubbing his eyes with his hands.
"Yes. Time to get up", Luka who was kneeling in front of him, replied.
Carter tried to get up and screamed out loud in pain.
"Ouch!! Geez!!!"
"What's wrong?", Luka wondered.
"God, sleeping on the floor was a damn stupid idea!" Carter placed his hands on his hips, still trying to get up.
"At least YOU got some sleep. Get up."
Luka offered him his hand and Carter accepted it gratefully.
"Rough night, huh? How's the situation now?", Carter yawned and stretched his arms into the air.
Luka leant against the gurney. He looked like hell. His eyes were dark and tired.
"I try to avoid this expression but all in all, we have it 'under control'.
Carter nodded.
"Got it."
"Any more cases of smallpox?"
"No. But we now have a final confirmation that it IS smallpox. God knows how we got this." He rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders.
"I honestly don't wanna know. What about the quarantine?"
"Well, we're still desinfectioning everything and the ER is still closed for new patients but you can leave it if that's what you were asking for. Your blood test results were negative. Neither you nor Abby are infectious."
"That's good news."
Carter was relieved that they were not infectious even though he'd been almost sure that they weren't. None of them had shown symptoms of smallpox. But it was a big relief, though, to have his assumption verified. And suddenly, he realized that Abby was already gone. He needed to see her. Of course, he knew she was okay but he needed to see her.
Luka was already strolling to the door when Carter followed and touched his shoulder.
"You know where Abby is?"
Luka stopped and looked at Carter. It was one of those looks he always used to give him since he'd once got to know that Carter and Abby were somehow more than friends. Sometimes, Carter had wondered whether Luka was still interested in Abby and only pretending not to care about her but on the other hand, he sometimes used to show a disgusting indifference towards her, her life and her problems. He still remembered his words when Carter had told him that Abby had got a relapse. "She's a big girl", was not really proving that he was still loving her desperately. Anyway, Carter and Luka had somehow managed to arrange the situation. He knew that they would never be close friends but they respected each other at work. That was satisfying enough.
Luka stared at Carter for a moment, then answered his question.
"Maybe the lounge. The last time I saw her, she was on her way to the desinfection shower. Speaking of which…"
"I know", Carter cut him short. He knew that he had to do the same procedure than Abby or he'd never be able to leave the hospital.
Luka nodded and walked down the hall while Carter made his way to the desinfection area.
12 am
"You did an excellent job. You risked your lives to save others."
Kerry Weaver was talking to Abby who was sitting next to her at a table in the lounge. The two were enjoying some hot coffee.
"I did what I had to do. Carter did most of the work", Abby tried to escape from this situation. She had never liked standing in the spotlight and being honored by anyone. She had always found that embarassing even if she had actually deserved being honored. It was just not her character. She took another sip of coffee. God, was she tired. It would take several litres of coffee to wake her up, she was afraid. Of course, she had slept a few hours but she was still feeling exhausted.
Kerry leant back on her chair and put on her glasses.
"Sure. I'd like to thank you, though." She smiled at Abby.
"Thanks."
"Uhh, where's Carter anyway? I haven't seen him today", Kerry asked and hoped Abby would know but Abby shook her head.
"Don't know. He was still asleep when…"
She was about to finish her sentence when the door opened and Carter stepped into the lounge. Like Abby, he wore a new set of working clothes and his hair was still wet from showering. A white towel hang loosely around his neck. Spotting Abby and Kerry, he walked over and joined them at the table.
"Morning."
Carter took the chair next to Abby who greeted him with a light smile. It was still a weird feeling to sit here beside him. Normally, there wouldn't have been anything spectacular about it because her best friend was sitting a few inches away from her. Normally. If there wasn't the fact that they had kissed each other last night and the fact that she was keeping all those incredible new, yet familiar, feelings for him. Feelings, one wouldn't keep for one's best friend. A part of her hoped that he would take this kiss as a single event, resulting from the extraordinary circumstances under which it had happened.
"Morning Carter." Kerry's voice filled the room.
"I just talked to Abby about what a great job you two did. It was an extraordinary situation and you had to take a lot of responsibility and you took the right decisions." Kerry smiled at Carter.
"Did I?" His voice was filled with a slight touch of disappointment.
"Carter, you know that you can't save everyone's life. But we would have had more victims if you hadn't done what you did."
"You were great", Abby jumped in.
Carter immediately turned his head and stared at Abby. Realizing what she'd just said, Abby couldn't help but stare back at him. She could have kicked herself for blurting out what she had been thinking. It always happened to her in the less convenient situations.
Kerry got up and strolled to the door.
"Well, there are a lot of things to be organized. And I also gotta find someone who's going to replace Robert, so I better hurry up. And I don't want to see you two here any longer. Get home and get some rest", Kerry said smiling in their direction.
"We'll do that", Abby answered before Kerry disappeared behind the door. Her eyes fell on Carter who was still staring at her.
"Um…coffee?", she tried to make her way out of this embarassing situation. Quickly, she got up and walked to the desk with the coffee machine on it. Abby nervously took a cup out of the cupboard and turning her head in Carter's direction, she waited for a response.
"Uhh…yeah. That's exactly what I need now." He moved his chair a bit thus he could watch Abby who was searching for another cup in the cupboard.
"Wait", Carter suddenly added and Abby turned her head to face him.
"I'll take two cups."
Abby laughed.
"Two? Why don't you take coffee intravenous?"
Carter smiled.
"Wouldn't be bad, either."
"So the floor wasn't the right place to sleep on, I guess", Abby answered while searching for some spoons in the drawyer.
Rolling his eyes, Carter let out a sigh.
"No comment?"
Abby grinned. She was dying to comment this with an 'I told you not to sleep on the floor'- speech but bit her lip instead.
"Okay, let's drop it."
She took the two cups of coffee and went back to the table.
"Here's your coffeine, doctor."
Putting the two cups down on the table, she made herself comfortable next to Carter who gratefully took the cup and inhaled the delicious scent of hot coffee. Just the scent of it made him feel like a newborn baby. Normally, the coffee in the ER tasted horrible but right now, it was the most delicious coffee he'd ever tried. He glanced at Abby who was silently sitting next to him, her hands pressed around her mug. He could tell she was either nervous or feeling uncomfortable, so he made an attempt to relax the strange atmostphere between them.
"So, what about you? Bet you had a better time sleeping on the gurney last night."
Abby raised her head and looked up from her mug.
"Not really."
Carter raised his eyebrow.
"Why not? Wait…. I didn't snore, did I?", he grinned evilly.
Abby had to laugh.
"No. You snoring sometimes?" Now a cheeky grin appeared on her face. His remark had left her curious.
"No. I mean, normally I don't snore. That's why I was asking."
Abby's grin grew even wider.
"Oh, sure. I see."
"Really. I don't snore." Carter smiled while he was trying to get out of the trap he'd set up himself.
Amused, Abby took another sip of her coffee. It was always fun just fooling around with Carter. One of the many things she absolutely loved about him. It was the way she could talk to him about various things without having to behave or to pretend anything. When she was with him, she could just be Abby.
"Okay. If you say you don't snore, you don't snore."
The suspicious grin on her face told Carter that she still didn't believe a word of what he was saying.
"Well, since I DON'T snore, what kept you up all night?" He remembered what they had been talking about before.
Abby got serious again.
"Um, nothing special. I had to think about some things."
Carter placed his mug back on the table.
"About yesterday?", he blurted out immediately.
At first, Abby froze but before she could do anything against it, she nodded and said,
"Um…yeah."
They both kept staring at each other, afraid to talk about it and struggling to find the right words. Whatever the right words were.
"Me, too", Carter smiled and added,
"Actually, I couldn't think about anything else."
Abby froze again at his remark. She was going to hurt him. She knew how she was going to react, how she had to react to protect herself and Carter and this was going to hurt. She didn't want it but her rational mind told her that in the end, it'd be better for both. She had had less hopes that he'd take the kiss as something unimportant and unintended because she knew how Carter was feeling and how she was feeling about him. But to hear him say it made it hard to resist. To resist from just doing it, kissing him again, holding him and letting go of any fears.
Carter himself was worried when Abby didn't react, so he made another attempt to catch her attention.
"Did I say something wrong?", he asked, frowning.
Abby shook her head.
"No, it's just…"Her eyes focused on the table as she was trying to find the right words.
Carter studied her while waiting for a response and suddenly, he realized why she was struggling with her words, why she couldn't face him, why she had been trying to distance herself, why she'd liked to escape last night. He had put the pieces together and suddenly, everything made sense, everything became clear to him.
"I see. I should have known it." His voice was filled with anger and disappointment. He got up from his chair, walked across the room and leaning against a locker, he crossed his arms in front of his chest. Abby quickly rose her head.
"I can't do that."
"You can't do what?"
"I can't do this. Kiss you and…"
"What do you fear?"
Abby shrugged. It was scary how Carter always used to read her mind.
"I….", she studdered, "I'm not afraid. It's just…it wouldn't be right."
"It wouldn't be right?" He couldn't believe what she was saying.
"We are friends. We can't…."
"Oh, come on, Abby, don't give me that whole friends reasoning. I don't buy it", he said, rolling his eyes at her.
Abby took her hand off his arm.
"Carter, don't make more of it than there really was. We kissed. Okay. But we were having a bad day, we needed comfort under unusual circumstances."
Carter moved closer to Abby, hands resting on hips. This was like a nightmare. But this time, nobody was there to wake him. It was all real. He'd never thought she'd come up with this excuse. If she'd told him she needed time or asked him to think things over, or even to wait until she'd set some things straight in her life, he wouldn't have complained. But he'd never thought she'd see the kiss as something that had happened under unusual circumstances. His only hope was that she didn't mean it and that it was all a bad excuse for her behaviour. An attempt to hide the real reason.
"You're not going to tell me the kiss was due to an unusual situation, are you?" Abby?"
Abby leant against the table.
"Did it ever occur to you that the kiss wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been stuck in quarantine?"
Carter shook his head. This was not happening. This was not happening.
"Is that what you're really thinking?"
Abby was unable to reply. She bowed her head thus she wouldn't have to face him any longer. What was she doing here? And why was she doing and saying things she didn't want to do or say? She had hurt him. That was what his eyes had shown her. But she had to do it if she wanted to prevent him and herself from pain.
Taking the towel he was still wearing around his neck, he swallowed hard. She'd taken her decision and said everything by saying nothing. She didn't want it. She didn't want more than a friendship between them. He had been sure that there had been more between them and to a certain extent, he still believed it but even if – even if Abby had lied for whatever reason she'd felt she'd to do it, it wouldn't improve anything. It just proved that she was doing nothing to move their relationship forward. Instead, she was putting it on the line. It hurt. It hurt like hell.
He took a deep breath.
"Okay." Laying the towel down on the table, he walked pass Abby and stopped standing in the doorframe.
"I guess I misunderstood some things. We're obviously not feeling the same. Next time we're thrown into an unusual situation, I promise not to kiss you. So you're safe." He pushed against the door and left the room.
"Carter!", Abby yelled, trying to stop him but the door went shut.
Oh my god. Abby stared at the door for a few minutes, then she let herself fall down on a chair and resting her elbows on the table, she buried her face in her hands. What had she done? What on earth had she done? There she'd thought she would make things easier for both, she'd done what was best for her. But if it was best for her, why was she feeling terrible right now? Where was this feeling that would confirm that it had been right? Maybe it would take time and she'd finally see that her acting was reasonable. Hopefully. If not, she'd have to face the thought that she'd probably lost the only true friend she'd ever had. And more. For nothing. For nothing! Abby got up and went to her locker to get her jacket. She needed to catch some fresh air. Quick. And she'd need time to tell herself that she'd done the right thing.
Doc Magoo's
Chicago
Thursday, one week later
1 pm
Susan Lewis entered the restaurant and made herself comfortable on a chair at the bar. She ordered a milkshake and some pasta for lunch and while she was waiting, she looked around. Magoo's was unusually crowed today. To get a seat at a table seemed nearly impossible, so she was glad she'd found a place at the bar. Looking around, at the other side of the room, she suddenly spotted Abby sitting at a table in a corner of the room. Her head was resting on her right hand while the other one was holding a fork with which she apathically picking at her salad. She seemed a little bit upset to Susan, so she told the waitress to bring her lunch at the table where Abby was sitting and stood up to walk to Abby.
"Whatever it is, it's not the salad's fault."
Abby rose her head at the sound of Susan's voice and was surprised to see her. Susan greeted her with a huge smile.
"Susan? Didn't see you."
Susan pulled off her coat, sat down on the bench in front of Abby and laid it down next to her.
"Nevermind. Didn't see you at first, either. It's way overcrowded here today."
Abby looked around and nodded.
"Yeah. Must be a conspiracy."
Susan grinned.
"Maybe. But those people who are here right now, don't fill the ER. Consider this."
Abby grinned back.
"Good point."
"Pasta and a milkshake?" A young waitress stopped next to Susan, holding a plate and a big glass of milk in her hands.
"That's mine," Susan said, raising a finger.
"Alright. Here you are. Enjoy", the young blonde girl that was completely dressed in green and white answered politely, put the plate and the glass in front of Susan and left.
Susan moved her nose closer to the pasta and happily inhaled the hot steam.
"Aahh, if it tastes how it smells, this is going to be a good day."
Abby looked at her, smiled back lightly and continued picking at her salad while Susan enjoyed her meal. For a few moments, nobody said a word until Susan took the initiative.
"So…" she stopped and Abby looked up, raising her eyebrow.
"So?"
Susan took a sip of her milkshake.
"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong or would you like to continue torturing your salad?"
Abby stared at her. Susan had a strange way to get people to talk about things they didn't want to talk about. Even though one was not in the mood for a conversation or wanted to keep things for oneself, one would talk to her at last. Abby knew that, so she didn't even make an effort to hide anything from her and pretend nothing had happened. Maybe she'd feel better if she talked about it with someone. She knew she could trust Susan. When they first met, she'd disliked her or at least felt a certain antipathy for her. Maybe because Carter had been interested in her and she'd been jealous because she'd have some history with Carter. She didn't know exactly why. But they'd got to know each other better and now, Abby appreciated her presence whenever possible. She liked her humor, her loyality. The only thing that bothered her was the fact that she was also Carter's friend. Of course, she didn't fear that she'd tell him a word of what would be spoken between them but she wasn't sure to what extent Susan would interfere in their business to help her and her friend.
Abby laid the fork on the table.
"Sorry. Was lost in my thoughts. Mind if….?" Abby pulled a cigarette out of her left pocket and was about to light it.
"No", Susan replied, shaking her head.
She watched her while Abby was staring out of the window and smoking her cigarette. While trying some of her pasta, she directed to Abby.
"Do you have something or someone in particular on your mind?"
Abby had to cough.
"What did he tell you?"
Susan shrugged her shoulders.
"Who?"
"Carter."
She smiled.
"Ah, Carter. I see."
"He didn't tell you?"
"He didn't tell me what, Abby?"
"That's a long story", Abby sighed.
"I've plenty of time", Susan retorted.
"How much?"
"Half an hour."
Abby took a sip of her coffee.
"Then I'll give you the short version."
Abby hesitated and Susan was impatiently waiting for her explanation.
"So? What is it?" She moved closer to Abby.
"We kissed", she blurted out.
Susan sat back and put down her glass.
"You did what? But that's… Abby that's great. Why are you sitting here being upset then instead of hanging around with him?"
Abby looked down on her plate. She wished she knew the answer to that question.
"You wouldn't want to hang around with someone who dumped you, right?"
Susan frowned.
"He dumped you?" She couldn't believe that Carter would someone he loved so desperately like Abby. That didn't make sense.
"No, he didn't."
Susan pointed at Abby.
"You?"
Abby nodded.
"Yeah. Funny, huh?"
"But…why? I thought you two, well, had feelings for each other. That doesn't make sense."
Abby put out her cigarette.
"I don't know what makes sense and what doesn't. That's the problem."
"Aha, wait. I got it. Originally, you wanted this kiss as much as he did but something was withholding you, right?"
Abby once again stared at her in surprise.
"Does foreseeing run in your family?", she laughed and Susan joined her.
"Yeah, as well as a liking for dark-haired male individuums."
"I know what you mean", Abby answered and then got serious again.
"I lost him." Her voice sounded desperate and worried.
Susan leant forward.
"You didn't."
"He thinks the kiss meant nothing to me."
"But it does", Susan anticipated her answer.
"What made you step back?"
Abby shrugged her shoulders.
"I wanted to avoid some things… it would have made our lives complicated and difficult. I had no choice…" Abby brushed a hand through her long, dark hair.
"If it was the right decision, we wouldn't have this conversation now, Abby."
Susan's words suddenly woke Abby from apathy. They hurt. The truth always hurt. But she had to realize that it was the truth. She'd taken the wrong decision. She had been weak. She had wanted to be strong, to show and feel that she could control everything, her life, herself, her feelings and instead – she had been weak. She had been too weak to fight against her fears, to fight for a future with someone who meant a lot to her. By trying to prevent a catastrophe, she had ironically caused one. It hurt to admit it to herself but it hurt more to know that there was nothing left to do for her than to pick up the pieces of what had once formed her relationship with Carter.
She let out a sigh.
"Anyway, it's too late to change it. He wouldn't listen and I couldn't even blame him."
"You just gotta explain it and he'll understand", Susan tried to calm her but Abby shook her head.
"Susan, I hurt him, I lied to him and I told him the kiss wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been stuck in this damn room."
Susan rolled her eyes.
"Okay. That's not less to forgive, I see. But hey – I mean, we're talking about Carter. If there's someone who can forgive mistakes, it's gotta be him", she tried to cheer her up.
"True. But if there's someone who can be damn stubborn, it's gotta be John Carter, too", Abby countered.
"Maybe. But he… Abby, you're not just anyone for him. You know that. He may be hurt but he needs you and he'll forgive you. You won't change anything if you don't try it", Susan insisted.
Abby thought about her remark for a while and came to the conclusion that she was probably right.
"Abby?" Susan tried to get her attention.
Abby turned her head to face her again.
"You're right. I need to talk to him."
Susan smiled.
"You do the right thing, you'll see."
Abby drank the rest of her coffee.
"Do you know when he's on next?"
"I'm not quite sure. He said something about Friday morning."
"That would be…" Abby stopped, looking at her watch.
"Tomorrow", Susan finished her sentence.
"Great", Abby replied, rolling her eyes. She'd hoped she'd have more time left to think things over, to think about the a way she could set things right. Susan noticed her uncertainty and tried to comfort her.
"It's going to be okay, you'll see."
Abby had to laugh.
"Where did I hear that before?"
Susan casted a glance at her.
"What?"
"Nothing." She grabbed her bag, put some dollars on the table and stood up.
"You going?"
Abby nodded.
"Um, yes. Promised Chuny to take her shift."
"I see. Then I see you tomorrow."
Abby took her jacket and moved around the table.
"Okay, see you." She was about to leave when she stopped a last time and turned towards Susan.
"Susan"
She turned her head.
"Hmm?"
"I owe you something."
Susan smiled.
"I take your salad and we're quits."
"Deal", Abby smiled back, making her way out of the restaurant.
END OF PART 1
