And Now For Some Crazy
There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.
Harry prised an eye open and looked round, then gave an evil smirk.
Time for some fun.
OOO
In front of him was a piece of paper with three simple rules.
Do not be smarter than the Dursleys.
Do not be defiant to the Dursleys.
Do not be different than the Dursleys.
These were the rules he had learned from growing up the first time round with his loving relatives.
Harry fought the urge to cackle like a maniac,
OOO
'HOW DARE YOU BE BETTER THAN DUDLEY!'
Harry was practically an all round genius.
'HOW DARE YOU ASK QUESTIONS!'
Harry found three new frustratingly irritating questions to ask every day.
'HOW DARE YOU BURN THE BACON!'
Harry had become a master at making ruined but perfectly edible food.
'HOW DARE YOU DO THOSE FREAKISH THINGS!'
Harry had quite a bit of fun with that one.
The Dursleys tried to beat it out of him, but for some strange reason every time they got near him they experienced a sudden loosening of the bowels. It was driving the Dursleys crazy, but eventually, EVENTUALLY, they realised their efforts in controlling their freakish nephew were in vain. Petunia would sneer at Harry over his weeding, Harry would drop tools and start pulling out clumps of plant and dirt with his hands, regardless of whether they were weed or flower. Vernon would rant until he was red in the face at finding a spec of dust in the room, Harry wouldn't bother cleaning again for days, leaving crumbs on the carpet, dust on the shelves, and a rancid smell in the bathroom. Dudley would call Harry a freak, Harry would act as though he could hear the devil in his head telling him to kill them all, which caused no amount of fuss at the school. Plus it was super funny.
The Dursleys found themselves with no choice in the matter. So with heavy hearts, they were forced to do the cleaning and the cooking and the gardening, all by themselves. Petunia groaned after a half hour weeding. Dudley whined after five minutes of cleaning his room. And Vernon cringed after just a few seconds in the bathroom.
And Harry, he sat in his new bedroom with a bright smile on his face and a cookie in his hand. Life was good!
OOO
The incident with the letters went exactly as it had done the first time. And this time instead of trying to grab one, Harry just sat back and watched the chaos. It was time for Hogwarts he thought in an evil sing song voice.
Several purebloods had a sudden chill down their spine.
'That there's the books shop, and over there's where you buy brooms, and then there's the shop where you get your robes, and there…'
Harry listened avidly to the giant's description of the alley, even though he knew where everything was. All around them people were wandering around buying and selling and generally acting as people do in a busy shopping environment. Harry himself was being herded towards Gringotts, and he was looking forward to the visit. As he passed the doors, Harry suddenly wondering why magical people were having creatures they fought wars with manage their precious money.
It was daft!
But Harry himself had never fought a war with a Goblin. Thinking about the incident with the Dragon he coughed sheepishly, well maybe he had. Either way he figured that it was better he was polite and respectful. It had nothing to do with the sharp looking weapons the Goblins at the door had. Nothing at all.
'Harry Potter would like to make a withdrawal'.
The Goblin leaned over his podium and leered at Harry, which was in no way creepy in the slightest.
'And does Mr Potter have his key?'
Harry looked up at Hagrid. Yeah, did I have my key?
'Um…Oh wait, got it here somewhere'.
Harry fantasized about what wonders he would find if he chanced a rummage in the giant man's pockets. Or perhaps he didn't want to know.
'Here we go!'
The ride to his vault was as awesome as always. Harry knew it was rude but he couldn't help but snigger under his breath as Hagrid slowly turned a nice shade of green.
'Key please'.
Harry had seen his vault many times. Didn't mean he wasn't immune to the sight of all that money.
'Galleons are gold, sickles silver, and knuts bronze. Seventeen sickles to a galleon, twenty nine knuts to a sickle. Conversion would be five pounds to a galleon, thirty pence to a sickle, and a penny to a knut' Griphook explained.
'Soo…I can take as much as I want?' Harry asked innocently.
'Of course. This is your trust fund, which gets replenished each year out of the main family vault. You will gain access to that one when you turn seventeen. For the time being, you have fourteen thousand galleons, and a handful of knuts and sickles at your disposal' Griphook replied.
Neither he nor Hagrid had ever seen an eleven year old move so fast, and that was with the new racing brooms out. Harry lunged at the pile of gold like a starving man to a feast.
'Harry, you know you could always get a bottomless pouch' Hagrid offered.
Harry froze, then turned a sweet smile on them. He'd forgotten about that.
'That would be nice, yes'.
It was only after gathering his money that he realised he wanted to speak to the Goblins about his vaults. Being the last in line meant gaining access to ALL his assets, something Griphook was probably trying to avoid since Harry was clearly crazy.
But Harry knew his rights, and a few hours later he left the bank a happy boy, just a trunk to get, and a few other goodies, and he was sorted.
OOO
Harry was a kid in a candy store, or perhaps that should be a candy street. Poor Hagrid was having a hard time keeping up with the lad's energy. He wouldn't be surprised if the lad cleaned out the shops like a hurricane with the way he was spending money. But Harry was happy, and if he was happy then so was Hagrid.
After he'd tired himself out spending, with the exception of some things from the muggle world, all that was left to buy was his wand. Harry rubbed his hands together and cackled. Yes…his wand.
Hagrid picked up on the lad's thoughts and pointed out that underage people couldn't use magic outside of school.
Harry huffed. Spoil sport!
OOO
'Curious…'
Harry didn't bother listening to the man talk about his former wand. For whatever reason it wasn't reacting as it should, and Mr Ollivander was puzzled. But in the end Harry left the shop with a wand, it just wasn't his old one. Though he was treated to the reason why Ollivander was so curious anyway. He knew it all already, so he only half listened.
Harry paused in his line of thought. When only half listening all he heard was the words give your bottom a scar by doing terrible things with your wand.
Thank Merlin he knew what the man was trying to say. He was still going to clean his brain out with bleach. Where did bottom come from anyway? He should listen more carefully in the future.
OOO
And so Harry was at the train station, looking for his train.
'Platform nine and three quarters'.
'Hoot'.
'I've got plenty of time'.
'Hoot'.
'Wanna freak people out?'
'Hoot'.
'Well that's true, people already think I'm crazy for talking to an owl'.
'Hoot'.
'Well I can't help it if it's not normal behaviour for others'.
'Hoot'.
'Yeah you're right, we'd better be more discreet.
'Hoot'.
'Hey you never know, we could find someone that knows what we're talking about'.
'Hoot'.
'Well if there are people who can talk to snakes then surely there must be people that can talk to owls'.
'Hoot'.
'Well sure I think it's only fair but there's not much I can do about it'.
'Hoot'.
'Aww thanks, you're too kind. I'm not a genius, but at least I've got common sense'.
'Hoot'.
'I mean who comes up with these abilities anyway?'
'Hoot'.
'Oh now you're just being rude! Bad girl!'
'Hoot!'
'Well yes I agree with you, but you can go around hooting that out loud, you'll hurt people's feelings'.
'Hoot'.
'Yes I know they can't understand you but you still can't say rude things like that'.
'Hoot'.
'Oh I give up'.
By this point most of the crowd had given the strange boy a wide berth. Others looked on with pity, poor thing had no friends he's resorting to talking to his pet. Aww.
Harry was oblivious, too busy gazing idly round the station. Then he grinned as he clocked a small sea of red.
'That'll be the Weasleys then. Come on girl lets go say hi'
'Hoot'.
Harry headed over, then paused. Was it his imagination, or did Fred and George look much hotter than usual? Of course they were hot to begin with, but still…
Twin hotness smothered with chocolate lying nake…
Harry sighed, damn his unusually early hormones. Must be a Wizard thing.
Mmm…twins…
FOCUS HARRY! Wait, where'd they go?
'Damn they already went through the barrier!' he grumbled and ran to catch up.
'Hoot'.
'Oh hush Hedwig'.
Harry stepped through the barrier, only to walk into a lean body.
'EEEK!'
Several people jumped and spun towards the noise, then figured it must have been a muggleborn and lost interest.
Harry's heart hammered in his chest. He hadn't thought he'd run into the twins so soon. The scream was more to distract himself from his treacherous body. The lean body was joined by another, and didn't that make matters worse.
'No fair hugging my brother and leaving me out!'
Harry sniggered, typical twins
Mmm…twins and syrup…
NO!
Harry firmly shook his head. He really needed a cold shower.
Wait, was he really fighting this? Really?! He was wasn't he?! Why?!
'Nice to meet you, Harry Potter at your service, now if you do excuse me I'm gonna head on the train'.
Yep, he was really fighting this.
However Harry had forgotten for a moment what the twins were like. And that was all they needed.
Harry suddenly got swept up into slightly muscled arms.
Mmm…twins sunbathing nude on a beach.
'PUT ME DOWN!'
'Nope!'
'No can do!'
Harry was carried onto the train and dumped into an empty compartment. Hedwig glided in after him.
'Hoot!'
'I already knew they were nuts!'
'Now you wait right there Harrykins…'
'And we'll be back real soon'.
Harry looked on bewildered as they closed the door, cast a locking spell on it, and left with a wave and a grin.
'Guess we've got bunk mates for the trip'.
'Hoot'.
'Should I really be fighting this?'
'Hoot'.
'Well I don't know I just panicked!'
'Hoot'.
'I'm not a scaredy cat!'
'Hoot'.
'Oh shush!'
Harry slouched back and thought. Nothing wrong with acting crazy, he rather liked it. Acting flirty on the other hand…
'Well they are hot…Alright, I'm doing it! But I'm only going to start when I get to Hogwarts'.
'Hoot'.
'Now that's just wrong!'
'Hoot!'
'I'm not sharing them, go find your own!'
'HOOT!'
'I SAW THEM FIRST!'
OOO
Harry was a bit disappointed that Fred and George weren't taking the boat trip with them.
Mmm…twins tied to the rack, whimpering for more…
Where was he? Oh right, castle, Hagrid, boat. Twins not there. But at least he still had Ron and Hermione. And Draco. How had Draco wound up sharing the same boat again?
'I can't believe Hogwarts actually allows anyone other than purebloods to attend. It's disgraceful! What does a mudblood know about magic?!'
Harry pushed the blonde ferret boy out the boat. Draco may be hot, but that didn't mean he wasn't annoying.
One scolding and a hold up while Hagrid fished for ferrets, and they were standing in front of McGonagall. Harry had heard this all before, and dug out his music player.
'AHHH!'
Harry sprung into action, but it was only the ghosts floating through the walls. He sniggered, what a bunch of pansies.
He conveniently ignored the fact that he too had been scared the first time. He also idly noted that Pansy Parkinson was rather unlucky to have such a first name. He stuck his ear phones back in and lost himself in the music.
OOO
'Harry Potter!'
'Oh my god it's Harry Potter!'
'Where is he, I can't see him!'
Professor McGonagall frowned as she looked over the group.
'Harry Potter!' she repeated.
Several teachers began muttering. Albus leaned forward in concern.
'HARRY POTTER!' McGonagall yelled.
The hall fell silent. Then…
'Oh my, was that my name? Sorry, too busy listening to Tiny Tim!'
And out he came, and oh what a sight he was.
Black leather trousers. Crisp white shirt. Fitted black robe. Spiked up hair. Glittery lip balm, cherry flavoured. Egyptian styled kohl makeup around the eyes.
And then of course the hidden extras. Custom made wand in Dragon hide holster on his arm. Shrunken trunk filled with goodies from the Potter vaults. And the Potter family ring on his middle left finger.
'Good Merlin!'
'THAT'S Harry Potter?!'
'God he's hot!'
'There's no way he's eleven!'
Harry tucked his music player into his robe pocket and strutted up to the stool. He gave McGonagall a charming smirk as he plonked down and swung his legs innocently back and fourth. He glanced up as after a few moments the hat didn't come down over his eyes.
'Everything alright professor?' he asked, tilting his head in innocent confusion.
McGonagall recovered herself and lowered the hat onto his head, fighting a blush. Harry sniggered to himself at her reaction.
'My word, are we going to have fun this school year!'
'AHHH WATZAT! IT'S EATING MY BRAIN!'
'You've been watching too many sci fi movies Mr Potter'.
'Hiya Mr Hat!'
'Hello, now will you let me sort you?'
'Sure, just ignore those images about the twins. Mmm…twins…'
'Believe me I'd like to, I'd appreciate it if you got your mind out the gutter and focused please'.
'Oh, sorry'.
'Now then let's see where you should go…'
'You'll be putting ferret boy in Slytherin right?'
'Ferret bo…oh I see it now! Most likely'.
'Well then let's give the poor headmaster what he wants and put me in Gryffindor. And maybe you could tell the lovely Lady Hogwarts that I absolutely adore what's she's done with herself! Stunning lady!'
The hall sat in shock as a sudden tinkling laugh echoed round the school, like the sound of the sweetest bells. It was followed by the deep booming laugh of the sorting hat.
'GRYFFINDOR! Most assuredly Gryffindor!' it chuckled.
Harry beamed and hopped off the stool, handing the hat back to McGonagall and heading to his table. He sensuously slid in place, making eye contact with his housemates and winking at a select few. Girls swooned as he flashed them a sexy grin.
'Hello my lovelies, aren't I just the luckiest boy in the world to be sharing a common room with you'.
'SQUEEAALL!'
'He's so cute!'
'The hell with cute! He's so sexy!'
Pouting Harry blew them a kiss, sliding his arm round Hermione.
'Not that I'm complaining, but I could have sworn you'd be a shoe in for Ravenclaw'.
Blushing furiously and aware she was receiving looks of envy, she gave him a nervous smile. Harry beamed back at her.
'GRYFFINDOR!'
'Ronald! What I tell you, nothing to worry about!'
Harry swung an arm over the red head's shoulder, leaning close with a wry grin.
'And now I'm sharing dorms with four gorgeous red heads!' he purred against the other boy's ear.
Stammering Ron pulled away, face beet root red. Harry smirked and pouted his lips with a kissing noise. Then he spun round and eyed the other Weasleys.
'Percy the handsome prefect'.
He licked his lips.
'Dare I wonder just what, punishment, you'll perform on the unsuspecting wanderer of the night?'
The older boy gave him a weak glare, clearing his throat and fighting a blush. Harry blew him a kiss.
'Can't wait to find out' he teased before turning to the Weasley twins.
'So then I forgot to ask on the train, which is Fred and which is George? Or would you rather I call you Gred and Forge? Although I'd much prefer to call you sex on legs'.
The pair's jaws dropped, blushes creeping up their cheeks. Harry laughed joyfully, he'd broken the record and made the twins speechless, on his first day!
'So wait…I thought you liked girls?' Seamus asked.
Harry winked at the Irish boy.
'Girls are the princesses of the world, and I adore my princesses'.
Many girls swooned.
'But if I stayed with just the fairest females, I wouldn't be able to experience the joys of the gorgeous guys'.
'Oh, so you're bi then?' Seamus clarified.
'Bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual. Can't I just be sexual?' Harry purred in reply.
Seamus laughed.
OOO
Charms was fun. Transfiguration was hard. History was boring. Astrology made him sleepy. Plants kept trying to eat him in herbology, did that always happen? Voldequirl gave him a headache, had to see to him soon, and potions was terrifying as usual, Harry was certain Snape was a Vampire, or hiding homosexual tendencies, whatever came first.
All in all a normal school year at Hogwarts.
OOO
'Oy Potter! Heard you like guys…'
'And you're offering yourself to me…how sweet of you!'
Ah, that was how Draco found himself in his current position. Ah well, at least he wasn't the only Slytherin Potter got his hands on. Just as long as Crabbe and Goyle weren't invited.
OOO
'There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science of the potion making. However, for those of you who possess the pre-disposition, I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to brew glory, bottle fame, and even put a stopper in death'.
Harry sighed dreamily. Snape rounded on him.
'Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel comfortable enough to not pay attention...'
'Oh I'm paying very, very close attention professor' Harry purred.
Scowling the man continued as if Harry hadn't spoken.
'What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
'A delightful potion that makes you act out my favourite scene from sleeping beauty. Such a pity true love's kiss can't break the enchantment of draught of the living death'.
Sneering slightly the man tried again.
'Without the dramatics, if you wouldn't mind. Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?'
'In the stomach of a goat, professor' Harry purred.
'And what is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?'
'The same lovely plant' Harry answered, batting his eyelashes.
Snape growled and barked at the others to write the answers down, flinging up the instructions onto the board.
Harry turned to Hermione, who was looking disappointed that she hadn't been called to answer.
'Don't worry honey, you know the answers and I know you know the answers. If those meanie professors won't pick you then that's their loss'.
She gave him a grateful smile and got to work.
OOO
'E…ev…every…one…p…p…please…t..t…take…a…s…seat'.
This had been happening for a couple of weeks now. It was driving Harry insane. He ignored the order, heading straight up to professor Quirrell.
'Professor Quirrel why didn't you tell me about your achievements?! I mean tackling vampires and making friends with royalty and oh I am so impressed! When I recognized your name I just couldn't help ordering every book I could get my hands on about you and now, well let me tell you, you can't imagine how overjoyed I am that YOU are our teacher, I am tickled pink I am! You can now consider me your biggest fan, I must have read everything about you and all the things you've done I have! You must let me shake your hand Sir, it would be such an honor!'
'POTTER WAIT…!'
But of course it was too late. The moment Harry grabbed his hands the man started screaming out in pain, dropping to the floor as his hands began to burn.
'Oh my! Quick someone get the headmaster! Here sir let me take off that turban!'
Although in pain the man fought his hardest to keep his turban in place. Tutting Harry yanked the smelly thing off, tossing it to the side.
'My word what kind of rituals are you into?!'
The headmaster and a horde of other teachers came in just in time to see the remnants of Quirrell shrivel into dust while the spirit of Voldemort gave one last gasp and soared out an open window. Harry calmly stood and brushed the ashes off his robes. He looked at the teachers.
'I think he was allergic to my coconut oil body lotion. The poor thing'.
OOO
'Please welcome our newest teacher, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, who has graciously agreed on such short notice to take over defense against the dark arts class after the tragic accident of our last teacher'.
'Tragic accident?' Lockhart asked nervously.
Harry smirked.
OOO
'Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher... me. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. But I don't talk about that, I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at him'.
He gave a little prompting chuckle, which was ignored. The females, and most of the males, were too busy admiring Harry. Coughing, somewhat put out at not being the center of attention, the man continued and introduced the "dangerous creatures" the class would be learning about today.
'Cornish Pixies?!'
And after that all hell broke loose. Well, the amount of hell little pixies can cook up. Harry sat amidst the chaos with a silly grin on his face. Ah, nothing like a trip to the past to bring back good memories!
He fished out his player and stuck the earbuds in. DJ Bobo's Chihuahua came on, and that gave him an idea. Just a little tweak required…
OOO
"Da Da Da, Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!
Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!
Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!
Da Da Da Da Da, BANANA!
Oh Banana!
What can make you move, BANANA!
Can you feel the groove BANANA!
What can make you dance?
Oh Banana!
What can make you sing BANANA!
Take it and you win BANANA!
What can bring you joy?
Oh Banana!
Banana here
Banana there
Everybody wants it everywhere
Sing it loud
And life can be so easy BANANA!
Oh Banana!
'And, once more, we are short a defense against the dark arts professor'.
The staff at St Mungos had to be very careful not to utter the word banana around the blonde man.
'So, without further a due, please welcome…Professor Lupin!'
A random teacher ran up and whispered something into Dumbledore's ear. He gave her a look of disbelief, and she responded by thrusting a piece of parchment into his hands.
'Erhem…I mean to say, please welcome…me! I will take over the class until such times as we can find a replacement for the replacement'.
Harry smirked. Remus was much too busy to come to Hogwarts. Of course he would be, after finding a million galleons and a lifetime supply of wolfsbane in his vault and an order to take an extended vacation to Tahiti. He'd get a lovely surprise when he discovered his old friend Sirius Black taking the same vacation, with absolute proof that he was innocent in the form of a caged rat.
***Flashback***
'Ron…'
'Um…yeah mate?'
Harry leaned in close to the red head, peppermint breath trailed over Ron's cheek.
'Could you do me a really big favour…?'
Ron shivered.
'Um…'
'Please…' Harry whispered against his ear.
Ron was far too dazed to do anything but hand over Scabbers.
***End Flashback***
Sirius had all the time in the world to hand the rat into the authorities.
OOO
'May I have your attention please! We have a slight change in plans for the rest of the school year! The ministry has decided to push forward plans for the Tri Wizard Tournament to this year. We'll have students from two other schools coming here to compete.
Now as this is all a bit rushed, we've decided to forgo the usual way of choosing a champion. I've been told that Miss Fleur Delacour, part Veela blonde bombshell, will be champion for Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, and Mr Viktor Krum, quidditch star and all round hunk, will be champion for Durmstrang Institute. So…um…as to our champion…'
He fumbled for the sorting hat, who huffed as it was turned upside down and several pieces of folded parchment was placed inside. Dumbledore shuffled the bundle and drew out a name.
'The champion for Hogwarts will be…Cedric Diggory!'
The hall started cheering, albeit confused cheering but cheering nonetheless. Dumbledore smiled as the students, then realised he'd accidentally drawn two pieces instead of parchment instead of one.
'Oh, and Harry Potter as well. And now for our second piece of news. We have a new defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Moody!'
'Yay…yell…whatever'.
Harry pouted at the headmaster. Of course he'd be in the ruddy tournament, again.
'Wonder how long this professor will last' Snape grumbled under his breath.
OOO
'Here Potter! Got some advice for you!'
'Oh good I was hoping I could talk to you! You must have been so rushed to find old Voldy and get the ritual sorted out for the tournament. Hows about we head on off and sort that out now rather than wait until the end of this silly tournament'.
'Uh…'
'Well come on then, let's get going, come on!' Harry said, dragging the stunned man away.
OOO
'Harry Potter…Look at what I've become because of you'.
'Hey don't blame me, not my fault you were bested by a muggleborn'.
Voldemort growled.
'Crouch the ritual!' he rasped.
Harry rolled his eyes.
'Been there, done that. Come on lets get this over with so Dumbledore can bring in Umbridge as the new defense professor'.
'Umbridge! That oversized toad!' Crouch Jr snarled.
Harry turned to the man with a bright smile.
'You hate her too! Yay!'
He ran over and hugged the man.
'You're my friend!'
'Uh…'
'Come on handsome! Let's get rid of this nasty little baby man and you can come and live with me in my dorm room!'
'Wait…what?!'
Giggling Harry patted the man's hand and went over to Voldemort.
'Ok meanie, I can't be bothered waiting while you take a bath in that cauldron. Accio Voldemort's horcruxes!'
'That's impossible!' Voldemort yelled.
'I'm Harry Potter, your argument is invalid!' Harry laughed.
'Now then, Basilisk fang!' Harry beamed, bringing out one that the giant snake had graciously donated.
Voldemort watched in horror as each and every one of his horcruxes were viciously stabbed to death. Even poor Nagini, who he'd only had for a few days! Harry picked up the diary fondly.
'Such a pity, you were so darn cute as a teenager. Oh well'.
He thrust the length into the pages, drawing out and thrusting back in, and out and in, liquid dribbling from the tip as he took great pleasure in tearing the book a new one.
'STOP VIOLATING MY DIARY!' Voldemort screeched.
Harry just gave an evil laugh.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Voldemort screamed as the life was drained from him.
Harry gathered up all the destroyed pieces and burnt them, then brushed himself off and turned to Crouch Jr.
'Come on lets get back to Hogwarts. I'll give you a list of people you can make fun of'.
The man thought for a moment, then grinned.
'Yeah, ok!'
OOO
'And the winner of the Tri Wizard Tournament is Cedric Diggory!'
Wild cheers as the boy held up the cup. Harry sauntered over and planted a kiss on the blonde's cheek.
'Good competition Cedric. Maybe tonight you could show me some of the moves you used in the maze, again'.
Blushing madly the older boy grinned.
'Uh, I guess so, again'.
Fleur and Viktor pouted, Harry laughed.
'Oh my lovelies I'm not missing you out! Perhaps we can all get together, hmm…?'
Viktor glanced at Cedric, looking the blonde up and down.
'I'm in'.
'Me too!' Fleur chirped in.
OOO
'And so, since we appeared to have misplaced Professor Moody…'
Harry much preferred Crouch without the polyjuice, thank you very much. The man was hiding out in the dorm room.
'Please welcome Professor Umbridge!'
''Welcome, Professor Umbridge' Harry cackled.
Ron inched away from his friend. Harry laughed and grabbed the red head's arm.
'Come on Ron, I hear there's a cute little blonde running around the school looking for her shoes!'
'Um Harry…Luna doesn't start until next year' Hermione pointed out.
Harry gave her a blank look, then slapped his head.
'Silly me, I'm still in first year!'
OOO
"Chunky, chunky,
I like 'em big
I like 'em chunky
I like 'em big
I like 'em plumpy
I like 'em round
With something, something
They Like my sound
They think I'm funky…"
'Harry while it's a good song for her, she's more toad than hippo and she really hates flying things'.
'But there aren't any good songs about toads and birds!' Harry whined.
She huffed.
'What about the birdie song?'
'It doesn't have any lyrics'
'It doesn't need lyrics, any muggle born will know what you're trying to do and they'll tell the others!'
Fine…! You're no fun Mione!' Harry pouted.
OOO
'AYEEEEEEEE!'
Students left and right laughed as Umbridge ran down the corridor, a thousand pink dyed frogs following her with speakers blasting out the birdie song strapped to their necks.
'Yeah, go Trevor!' Neville cheered.
'Or…you can just do that and everyone knows' Hermione said idly.
Harry gave her a sweet smile.
OOO
'And, once more, we are short our defense teacher…'
They could still hear her screams from the forbidden forest.
'Wonder what the Centaurs will do with her?' Ron pondered out loud.
Hermione and Harry just smirked. The Harry paused and glanced at his friend-who-is-a-girl.
'Are you doing a Luna on me?'
'Hmm?' was the innocent reply.
'Thought so'.
'And so…um…'
They turned back to the staff table.
Dumbledore looked helplessly at his staff. His eyes fell upon Snape, and lit up.
'Our new defense professor will be, our very own Professor Snape!'
The dark man's eyes went wide.
'No headmaster, please don't make me do this!'
Dumbledore smiled serenely.
'Nonsense Severus! You've been wanting this job for years. I'll have Slughorn take your place as potions professor'.
Hermione glanced at Harry.
'You're going to behave this time, aren't you?'
Harry patted her hand and kissed her cheek, standing and sauntering out the hall with a little smirk on his lips.
Snape whimpered.
OOO
It took three days, three days of absolutely nothing happening, before Snape finally broke and begged Harry to just get it over with. Harry laughed, patted the man on the head, and said he would never prank such a tall dark and mysterious hunk.
Severus retired his new position the next day. He wasn't up to flirty boys trying to ruin his life. He would take brainless brats in potions any day. Slughorn ran from the castle before anyone suggested HE took the defense position.
OOO
'I give up! Harry Potter will be our new defense professor!' Dumbledore sighed.
People who had already graduated began to return just to be taught by the gorgeous boy. People too young to enter Hogwarts began to beg their parents to let them come early.
'Was this what you had in mind all along Harry?' Hermione asked.
'No, it's a bonus!' Harry squealed, surrounded by his fans.
She rolled her eyes with a grin.
'Only you Harry'.
