"Enough is enough," I muttered to myself.
I was walking along the road to our home from the main part of the village. We had a nice sized cottage along the edge of the town. Surrounding it were woods and fields. Mother always liked the open feel to it, and it was close enough to town for father to run his business well. I usually enjoyed this walk very much. The trees lining the road were always my favorite and I loved to stop and look at them randomly. Today was different though.
Today I had heard enough to convince me that I needed to do something. Sitting around pretending like nothing had happened was maddening. Why would anyone do that?
Our cottage, if it could really be called that because it is much too big, was in sight. I could see father in his study on the third floor. He was facing away from the window and hunched over his desk. Katrina and Annalee must have been somewhere else in the house. It did not really matter to me. What mattered was that I knew where father was and this time he was going to listen to me.
I stormed through the front door. Normally that door was saved for guests. Mother always preferred us to use the side kitchen door, but today I was too focused to care. I noticed Katrina and Annalee in the sitting room. Annalee was busy working on the mending while Katrina was reading a book. It was a fairly typical sight. They both looked up startled when I rushed past them.
"Roslyn?" I heard Annalee's voice call after me, but I just ignored it.
I hurried up the stairs and soon found myself standing outside my father's office. I hesitated for moment. I knew that barging in would be rude and that father would never listen to me after that, so I knocked reluctantly on the door.
"Come in," my father's deep voice came from inside.
I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down then reached out and opened the door. My father was still sitting at his desk, hunched over. He looked so much older these days. It seemed as if the world had finally defeated him. His face was wrinkled and scrunched with worry. His usually bright blue eyes seemed dull as they looked over all the papers spread out in front of him. He sat as a man defeated and that infuriated me. How could he act so beaten? Is he not going to fight anymore?
"Father," I said trying to stay as calm as possible. I think he could tell that I was upset because he looked up startled.
"Roslyn, my beauty," he said with a smile. I cringed at his nickname for me. I had always hated it, and of course I knew that he only used it when he wanted to calm me down.
"We must do something. It has gone on long enough!" My voice was sterner than I had wanted it to be, but it was better than yelling.
"How many times must we have this conversation?" he sighed. His shoulders slumped further. It looked like he wanted nothing more than to avoid this topic. Again.
I glared at him. "As many times as we need to until you realize that I am right. How can you just sit there and do nothing?"
"Roslyn," he said gently, trying to warn me that it was useless.
I was nothing like him though. I would never give up. Never. "Father," I countered with as much venom in my voice as I could manage. I wanted it to be perfectly clear that I did not think he deserved that title.
"What happened?" Annalee's came from behind me. It was soft and sweet, as always.
I turned to look. Annalee was standing just inside the doorway. Her red hair was pulled back into a delicate knot. Her freckles looked a little sharper in the light of the setting sun in the window. Her blue eyes looked soft and concerned. Katrina was standing on the other side of the doorway, glaring at me. Her blue eyes were sharp and fierce. Her blonde hair was in an elaborate hairstyle and there was not a blemish on her face. She had an awful scowl on her face though.
"What do you mean?" I asked trying to act like there was nothing new to bother me.
"Roslyn!" Katrina snapped. "You expect us to believe that nothing happened today?"
"Does it matter if there was something that happened?" I retorted. I hated when Katrina talked down to me. She may be my oldest sister, but that did not mean that she has a right to talk to me like I am a child.
"You just seem to be extra irritated today," Annalee said quietly, not making eye contact with me. She was looking anywhere but at me.
I sighed. I suppose they had the right to know. There was really no reason for me not to tell them. "Sarah is gone."
Annalee gasped. She quickly looked up at me and started to reach for me. I turned away from her to glare at my father. Annalee reached my side and placed her hand on my shoulder. She knew that I hated pity. There was no reason to act like that.
"She ran away then?" Katrina asked hotly. "I always knew she would one day."
"No!" I yelled. I turned to glare at my sister. She always seemed to say just the right thing to hurt me. I never understood why, but I was not going to listen as she talked that way about my best friend.
"Roslyn," my father said calmly from his desk. He still had not looked up from his work. He was used to similar displays from his daughters and it no longer affected him like it used to. Now he knew it was better to act like it was not happening at all. "Calm down."
My eyes stung at the rebuke. I did not need to calm down. What I needed to do was to go out and do something. I was about to respond when my father continued talking and looked up from his papers to give us all a look that clearly meant to not talk.
"Katrina, you need to be more sensitive to your sister. Sarah is her best friend." His voice sounded tired. "Now, Roslyn," he turned to look at me. His eyes looked so sad. "Tell me what happened."
I sighed. I had hoped to not relive this moment, but I suppose it could not have been helped. Of course my family would need an explanation. "I was in town selling the peas we harvested yesterday. Grant came over to talk to me. He does every time we both are in town. We were talking and I asked him where Sarah was. She usually came into town with him."
Annalee was watching me intently. She looked like she might start crying. I knew that it would of course, be because she was worried about me and not because she was actually sad. Katrina was staring at her nails like they were the most interesting thing she had ever seen. My father was looking at each of his daughters. It was clear that he was trying hard to be the authority in the room, but conversation just never caught his attention any more.
"That was when he started acting weird. He started to avoid my questions. Of course I forced him to tell me. He said that she had been gone for a week! A week! And they have no idea where she is. From that point on it was exactly as I thought it would be. There was no note. Nothing was missing. It was like she just disappeared. And the worst part is that they have no plans to do anything!"
I was at the point of tears. I was so frustrated with everyone. Every single person in this town had a problem. They were all so complacent.
"Roslyn," Annalee said quietly and wrapped her arms around me. She did not say anything else. I knew exactly what she was trying to say with that hug. She was telling me she was sorry. Sorry that there was nothing anyone could do.
I hung my head. I did not want to accept that. It was too simple to just give in to defeat. We had to keep fighting. I knew that. Why did no one else see that too?
"There is nothing we can do. You know that. We have had this conversation countless times." My father was tired of me.
"I refuse to accept that." I murmured.
"What would you have me do?"
"Something! Anything! We cannot just sit by and watch as those dear to us disappear!" I retaliated. Tears were flowing freely from my eyes now. I did nothing to try and stop them.
"This is just like when mother left," Katrina sighed. "You are refusing to see the obvious. Will you please come back to us? You cannot keep living in these dreams."
I looked up sharply at her. Her expression was blank. I have no idea how she can do that, but she has always been skilled at hiding her emotions. She was looking at me now. Her blues eyes cold. I quickly looked away. I did not want to see how everyone around me had given up.
"It has been three weeks. Surely you must realize that something is not right now. Mom would never be gone that long without telling us. Something happened. We have to find out what happened." I said as I sunk into an armchair in front of my father's desk. I placed my elbows on my knees and covered my face with my hands.
"How?" Katrina asked directly. "How do you expect us to do anything? There was no note, no clues. Nothing. She left and we just have to deal with it."
"Roslyn," my father said as softly as he could, "It is not like we do not want to know what happened, there just is not anything we can do."
"It will all work out," Annalee said from beside me. She was rubbing my back, trying to comfort me.
"How? How is it going to work out?" I questioned. I had been asking the same questions for weeks, and still no one had an answer for me. I wanted someone to tell me what to do, because I knew that I had to do something.
"Is it not enough to know that it will?" my father asked softly. He was tired of this conversation. It showed in his face and in his voice.
"No! I have to do something!" I yelled. "Why is that so hard to understand?"
"Roslyn..." Annalee reached to give me another hug.
"No," I said and brushed her off. She looked a little hurt, but did not say anything.
Katrina gave me one last condescending look and said, "I have nothing else to tell you. Grow up and deal with it."
I bristled at her statement. I did not understand how I was considered the immature one here. I was at least trying to change something. Everyone else was just dealing with it by pretending it did not exist. How that was considered the mature approach eluded me. Maturity did not mean that you ignored things around you. It means that you take what you have and do something about it. That was what I was trying to do.
Katrina turned and left the room without another word. Her fancy dress made swishing sounds as she walked. I always hated those fancy dresses. Our family could not afford them any more, yet Katrina always insisted on wearing them. They made it impossible for her to do housework like the rest of us. I hated how she thought she was so much older and wiser than me and that made it okay for her to be lazy. I just could not stand her. I wanted to yell all of that at her as she disappeared down the stairs, but something stopped me. It might have been that I was still sobbing and did not have the strength to yell anymore, but I think it was more likely the look that Annalee was giving me.
Annalee's eyes were soft and filled with tears too, although she did not succomb to sobs like me. She was looking at me as if she needed to take care of me. Like I was some hurt animal that had wandered in the house and was lashing out at everyone because I was scared. I hated that look too. Though I was never able to say it. It made me feel like a child and I hated it. I hated how my older sisters were only one year apart and I was stuck on the bottom three years younger than Annalee. They always acted like they knew so much more of the world than me, when really I was the one who understood better than them.
I was the one who grew up having nothing. I always had to work. Luxury was never an option for me. I understood how cold and hard the world could be so much more than them. Yet, they always insisted on looking down on me. I hated that.
I turned away from her gaze. I could not bare to see it anymore. I listened as Annalee stood up from her position on the floor next to me and say, "I have mending I need to get done." She silently left the room.
I looked up to see my father looking at me. He had a question on his face, but I could tell that he was not going to ask it until I said something. I was breathing normally again and my tears had mostly stopped. I wiped my eyes then said, "I have to do something, is that so hard to understand?"
My father sighed. "Roslyn, sometimes there is nothing we can do. You have to realize that."
"We are the ones who write our destiny. You taught me that when I was little father. I thought that meant that we always have a choice." If I had to use my own father's logic to make him understand, then I would.
"Yes, but at this moment you have a choice. You have a choice to worry about something outside your control or to worry about the things that are inside your control. There are always going to be things that you think are unfair." He shook his head. "Look at me. My life has been nothing but unfair lately."
"Is that what the problem is?" I snapped. "You feel sorry for yourself so want me to feel the same? I refuse to do that!"
He sighed again. "You misunderstand me. I just want you to choose to be happy. Why must you dwell on the unhappiness in life?"
"Because I am going to do something about it," I said as I stood up from my chair. I glared at my father for a moment, daring him to tell me again that there was nothing I could do. Then, I turned quickly on my heels and walked briskly from the room. As I walked through the doorway I said, "Even if you will not."
I stomped down the stairs and back out to the garden. Katrina and Annalee were back in the front room where I had first seen them. They both looked a little gloomier, but were doing their bests to pretend like the conversation upstairs had not happened at all.
Once I was out in the garden I started weeding as quickly as I could. This was my mother's garden. She was the one who thought it would be best to grow a garden when my father's business fell. My mother and her garden were the only reason my family was still where they were. If she had not risen to the occasion, we would have been homeless on the streets. Being in the garden made me feel close to her.
"Momma? Why do you always work in the garden every day?" I was nine years old at that time.
She answered me frankly. That was one of the things I loved about my mother. She never lied to make anyone feel better. Honesty was the best policy to her. "Because I must work here or you will not have anything to eat for dinner. Besides, I think the plants would get lonely without me. See?"
She lifted a wilting leaf on the tomato plant and held it up in the sky for a few seconds. When she moved her hand away, it was like the plant had gained new life. I always thought she was magic. Now that she was gone, there was no one to talk to the plants, so I did. I would wander through the garden and tell them all how beautiful I thought they were. I knew that there was no way I was as good as her, but I was going to try. I would hate to see my mother come home to see her precious garden had wilted and died.
Being in the garden made me feel close to her. It made me think about all the times I had growing up. It also made me realize that she would never leave without telling us. And even then, I was not so sure that she would leave even if she had told us. She loved this house, and this garden and she loved us. She would never abandon us. I hated everyone that thought she had.
I had calmed down enough to think about what I was going to do. In the morning before everyone was awake, I was going to leave. I would leave a note, of course. I did not want anyone to think that I had abandoned anyone. I still was not sure where I would go, but I knew that I was going to go somewhere. Anywhere. I would start with my mother's favorite places and go from there. Surely something would lead me to her.
"Roslyn. It is time for dinner," Annalee's voice called from the kitchen door. I must have been out gardening for a few hours without realizing it.
"Alright. I will be right in. Just let me wash." I replied. I stood up and brushed off my apron. I looked down at my hands. They were filthy, so I walked over to the well that was just on the other side of the garden and drew a bucket of water. I used that water to scrub my hands and face. I used the back of my apron to dry myself off and headed back towards the house.
Outside the door and hung my apron on a hook and wiped my shoes on the rug then entered the kitchen. It smelled lovely. Annalee had made some fresh bread for dinner with some stew made from the leftover beef from the dinner before. I loved stew.
I walked through the kitchen and into the dining room. Father, Annalee and Katrina were already seated. I looked at the empty chair that mother used to sit at and tried to hold back my tears. It would not do to show my family how upset I still was. Annalee served us all plates and we all ate quickly. We ate in silence. The tension was thick in the air. I could tell that Katrina had not forgiven me because she would not look at me. Annalee was still worried about me because she kept stealing glances at me. I tried to ignore both of them and just concentrate on my food. It was tedious and made dinner feel like it was hours long, even if we were really only there for fifteen minutes.
Once I had finished eating my meal, I rose from the table silently. I paused for just a moment, debating about whether I should say something to them, but quickly decided silence was better. Anything I would say at this point would just make everything worse.
Katrina and Annalee continued eating and did not make any indication that they saw me leave. I knew that I was being unfair to them, but I could not help it. We had to do something. Sitting around waiting for anything to change was just not going to work. Waiting never did.
Once I was able to think about what was around me, I realized that I was out by the old oak tree at the edge of the woods behind our house. This was my place. It was where I went whenever I was upset, happy or even just bored. If anyone wanted to find me, this was the place where they should look first. I loved this tree. It was old and knotted. The branches hung very low and made it easy to climb up into the branches.
I latched onto the closest branch and swung myself up into the lowest leaves. I loved sitting here. The branch curved naturally to make a perfect seat for me. I would often bring my books out here and read in the tinted light. I loved how the leaves would make everything look green. And in the fall the leaves would turn into the most brilliant orange. This was my safe place. I could always feel at peace here.
"Why, if it isn't a little monkey in a tree? What are you doing up there little monkey?" a voice called up to me.
I sat up a little startled and wobbled for a moment. I was not as small as I used to be and maneuvering in the tree had become much more precarious. I looked down to my left and saw a man standing below me. His head was only about a foot below me. I had not climbed that high.
"Grant! What are you doing here?" I asked shocked to see the older brother of my best friend.
"I came to see how everyone was doing. I know that I sprung some bad news on you today. I hope it hasn't caused too much of a problem." His green eyes looked concerned. His black hair was just as messy as ever and he had grease and soot marks all over his face. He looked so much like Sarah. It made me want to cry.
"Everything is just fine," I said flatly. I was sure he would hear the lie in my voice, but I could not just tell him that I was upset. That would be admitting that I might be overreacting just a little.
"Roslyn," Grant said with a little sterner of a voice, "You know I can always tell when you lie to me."
"It really is fine. There is nothing to do about it anyways," I said. The bitterness in my voice was clear, even to me. I needed to get control of myself soon. If I kept it up like this everyone would be able to see how distraught I was.
"Is it just about Sarah?" Grant asked softly. I could hear the hurt in his voice too. He was just as confused and lost as I was. He was just better at pretending like life was going to continue.
"No!" I almost shouted at him. I startled him and myself. I had not expected myself to sound so upset. "No," I repeated a little softer and calmer. "No one will do anything. It is almost like they don't care. Why am I the only one who cares?" At this point I was almost crying again.
"Roslyn," Grant said my name firmly. He looked up at me with eyes filled with pain and passion. "Stop that this instant."
I reeled back a little at his command. He hardly ever told me what to do. Throughout all the years, he had just been there watching as his little sister and I would go on our adventures. He would go along with whatever we wanted and never complained. I was not used to Grant being so commanding.
"You are not the only one who cares. How could you think that?" Grant shook his head in anger. Then he looked back up at me and I could see a few tears glistening in the corner of his eyes. "We all care. So much. We just are mature enough to realize that there isn't always something we can do. We must continue our lives. If we don't, then others will suffer. We care. Just as much as you. Don't ever, ever, accuse someone of not understanding."
I was in shock. No one had ever really spoken to me like that. I had been lectured plenty of times in my life, but no one had ever done it quite like this. He was not talking down to me. He was talking to me like an equal. Someone who could relate to him. He needed me to be there for him. To comfort him. And I was being selfish and complaining about my problems.
"I am so sorry," I whispered. I hid my face in shame. Sorry was all I could say to him, yet I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to tell him that I would fix it. I wanted him to be happy again. I wanted to be happy again. But how could I tell him all that? It would only sound childish.
"I know," Grant said. He smiled a little smile up at her and then said, "It will be okay Roslyn. I know it will. I have to believe that because if I stop believing that, there is no point moving on."
I looked up at him again in shock. I could still see the sadness in his eyes, but this time he had determination there too. He was doing something. How could I not have seen this before? Annalee and Katrina were the same. They were believing. It was just a little, but it was enough for them. I could see that, but why was that not enough for me? Why did I feel this burning need to do something? I nodded my head to show him that I understood.
He smiled and then said, "Is Annalee home? I wanted to see how she was doing today?"
I smiled back. "Of course she is home. You should go see her. I'm sure she will be happy to see you."
He blushed a little then turned towards the house. He did not say any more. He did not have to. He had already given me so much to think about. Grant was such a nice man. I had grown up with him. Sometimes it surprised me how much he understood the world. He was only a year older than me, but sometimes it seemed like he had grown up so much faster. It was probably because he had to take over the family blacksmith shop when he was sixteen.
About a year ago he had started to come to the house more, but it was not for Roslyn. Roslyn was always too busy with something so he started to talk with Annalee. Now they had a fast friendship that made so much sense to Roslyn. Annalee and Grant were both very sweet tempered and quiet. It made sense that they were friends. Roslyn thought it was sweet that they had found each other. Thinking about it made her miss Sarah though. And that was a dangerous topic. She still did not feel comfortable with how things were. She wanted to change something. Anything. Just as long as she was doing something.
"What am I going to do?" Roslyn murmured to herself.
