SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED
The Secret War Part 1: "The Enemy of My Enemy's Enemy"
Whisked away from their parody universe by the mysterious Lunara, Sam and Dean find themselves in a harsher reality - in which Sam is dead and Dean rules Hell and most of Earth along side Abaddon. Meanwhile, stuck in the past, Castiel and Crowley decide to take on the brothers' cases to preserve the timeline, but Levi!Cas is hot on their trail.
THEN
SAM (voiceover)
Previously on Soobernatral...
INT. PLANE – DAY
GEORGE PHELPS walks in. AMANDA addresses PHELPS.
AMANDA
Have a nice flight, sir.
PHELPS turns, and we and AMANDA see that his eyes are completely black, even the whites.
And SNOOP is like "That's some really good dope!"
PHELPS
Oh, I'm counting on it.
INT. PLANE – DAY
PHELPS heads to the back of the plane. When he reaches the rear exit, he grasps the release handle. A YOUNG MAN in an aisle seat, MAX JAFFEY, notices him.
MAX
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
DUMBLEDORE
The man asked you a question? Well? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
PHELPS turns to look at MAX and Dumbledore who is regretting taking muggle transportation, eyes black again, then rips the door open!
He goes flying out the window, the door flies off tearing half a wing off the plane, and the plane goes down.
DUMBLEDORE
OOOOOOOOOHHHHH FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKK!
EXT. STREET – DAY
SAM
There's a long history of spirits and death omens on planes and ships, like phantom travelers. Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession?
DEAN
It would explain how a mortal man would have the strength to open up an emergency hatch.
INT. PLANE – DAY
AMANDA heads for the plane, greeting coworkers.
AMANDA
How are you? Hey, Bob.
BOB THE BUILDER
I can fucking fix anything!
AMANDA
Still on meth, then?
INT. PLANE – RESTROOM – NIGHT
Sam runs from Buffalo Jones, pants still around his legs.
SAM
Help me!
BUFFALO JONES
What's the rush?
(demonic voice)
Get over here!
Buffalo Jones slings his tail around like a lasso and ropes Sam.
SAM
Dean! DEAN! Rape! RAPE!
BUFFALO JONES
I'm about to do some shit to you that you won't remember til you're forty!
INT. PLANE – NIGHT
SAM
Now, I found an exorcism in here that I think is gonna work. The Rituale Romanum.
DEAN
What do we have to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?
SAM
It's two parts. The first part expels the demon from the victim's body. It makes it manifest, which actually makes it more powerful.
DEAN
More powerful?
SAM
Yeah.
DEAN
How?
SAM
Well, it doesn't need to possess someone anymore. It can just wreak havoc on its own.
DEAN
Oh. And why is that a good thing?
SAM
Well, because the second part sends the bastard back to hell once and for all.
INT. PLANE – BACKROOM – NIGHT
Dean holds down the possessed COPILOT.
DEAN
Hurry up, Sam. I don't know how much longer I can hold him, Cap'n!
SAM
Regna terrae, cantate Deo, psallite Domino—
The DEMON breaks free briefly and hits them both until DEAN manages to subdue him again. SAM picks up where he left off. The DEMON knocks DEAN off again and pulls the tape off his mouth. He grabs SAM by the collar.
DEMON
I know what happened to your girlfriend! She must have died screaming! Even now, she's burning! There! I said it! It's canon now!
INT. PLANE – NIGHT
The DEMON possesses a huge body builder.
SAM
Oh crap.
DEMON
Fee fi fo fum!
And CHUCK WHO IS NOT TO WITH FUCK NORRIS is like "The eyes of a ranger are upon you. Roundhouse kick!"
DEAN
Lights out, bitch.
EXT. AIRPORT ACCESS – DAY
DEAN dials a number. As the voice message begins, he turns it so SAM can hear too.
JON
Dis iss Jon Waaaaaayne Winchessshire. I can be reached. BURP! If dis ish an emerg.. emerg… problem, call my sssson, Dean. 785-555-0179. He can help.
Jon is heard vomiting.
LUNARA appears before them.
LUNARA
Hello, Sam.
DEAN
Sam, you go something to say to me?
SAM
I don't know. Do I know you?
LUNARA
Not yet.
DEAN
You wanna tell me what the hey-hey is going on?
LUNARA
There's a secret war.
DEAN
Ain't that cute.
LUNARA
And you're a part of it. There are other worlds. Many. And if you want to save yours, you'll come with me. Right now.
DEAN
We're not going anywhere, princess.
LUNARA
Magic!
A F**KING dimensional portal envelopes the trio.
DEAN
Okay. Guess we are.
SAM
Narnia, here we come!
The trio along with the Impala, disappear in a flash of sparkling light.
EXT. AIRPORT – DAY
Jerry screams. He is covered in blood and missing an ear.
JERRY
I don't know where they went! They're already gone.
LEVI!CAS
So we're too late. Okay, officially bored now.
Levi!Cas skins Jerry alive. It's not as fun as it sounds.
A MAN walks in. He looks like DEAN, but there's something off about him. He's older, wearing all black with a badass beard. There's a scary coldness in his eyes.
DARK!DEAN
Lunara. That little bitch must've found them. Doesn't matter. They'll die just like all the rest. You ready to raise some hell, Levi?
LEVI!CAS
Always. This is gonna be so much fun.
SQUAD cars pull up.
DARK!DEAN reaches into his coat, pulling out the FIRST BLADE. It resonates with power.
DARK!DEAN
(smiling)
Oh, I'm counting on it.
NOW
"PARODY UNIVERSE"
INT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT, 2005
BAD MOON RISING plays on a jukebox.
HORACE, a bespectacled hunter, complete with beer in hand, sleeps at a table.
JO HARVELLE takes the half empty bottle from him and wipes the table as best she can.
JO
Closing time in five, Horace.
ASH plays cards at a table with ELLEN.
ELLEN
Full house. What do ya got, Stamos?
ASH
Nothing much. Just a royal flush!
Ellen groans and takes a sip of whiskey.
ASH
Will that be cash, check, or credit?
ELLEN
I'm running a little short. How about an extension on your bar tab?
ASH
I humbly accept.
JO
This would go three times faster if you two helped.
ELLEN
I managed it while raising a kid. I'm sure you'll be fine.
Jo sighs.
ELLEN
A little responsibility never hurt anyone, Jo. Did you take out the garbage like I told you to?
JO
But Mo-om!
Ellen gives her a look.
JO
I'm going.
She heads into the back.
ELLEN
Horace?
Horace yawns, then falls out of his chair.
The jukebox shuts off by itself. Ellen gets up to inspect it.
EXT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT
Jo carries two garbage bags to the dumpster.
SCREAMING. GUN SHOTS.
JO
Mom!
INT. ROAD HOUSE – NIGHT
Armed with her father's knife, Jo creeps in. DARK!DEAN drinks at the bar. There are severed limbs everywhere.
DARK!DEAN
Hey, Jo. I'll have the cunt burger to go. Hold the fries.
JO
Who are you?
Dark!Dean smirks and takes another sip of whiskey.
DARK!DEAN
I'm glad you're here. It'll save me some time. Come sit in my lap. I'll tell you a bedtime story.
JO
My mom…
DARK!DEAN
Right here.
He reaches down beside him and picks up Ellen's severed head. He sets it up on the bar.
JO
You bastard!
DARK!DEAN
You're so cute when you're angry. I'm lookin' forward to seeing what other kind of faces you can make.
He throws the bottle against the wall, where it shatters, and stands up.
Jo's hand shakes as she holds her knife.
DARK!DEAN
Is that any way to treat your best customer?
Jo runs to the back.
He picks up Ellen's head.
DARK!DEAN
Something I said?
INT. ROAD HOUSE – BACKROOM – NIGHT
Jo pours a line of salt at the door.
The door swings open.
Jo backs up, knife at the ready.
Dark!Dean leans in the doorway. He looks down at the salt line and whistles.
DARK!DEAN
Smart move, but –
He scoops up some of the salt and licks it from his hand.
DARK!DEAN
- I ain't a demon.
He moves towards Jo.
Jo lunges at him with the knife. He grabs her hand, takes the knife, and tosses it aside.
He grabs her from behind and shushes her as she cries. He smells her hair.
The back door opens. ABADDON struts in.
DARK!DEAN
I brought you something.
ABADDON
Ooh. I bet I'll look at least ten years younger in it. We'll have to do something about the hair though.
Jo looks terrified.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY
CASTIEL sits at a table with an untouched cup of coffee in front of him. He stands up and looks out the window. He eyes a Felix the Cat clock hanging on the wall.
Someone opens the door. Castiel slips his angel blade out of his coat and moves to the door.
It's CROWLEY, carrying a grocery bag.
CROWLEY
Bloody hell!
CASTIEL
Crowley.
Castiel lowers his blade, but doesn't put it away.
CROWLEY
You could've given me proper warning before aiming something pointy at me. Not that it's ever too early for that sort of thing.
CASTIEL
You were gone a good while.
CROWLEY
Obtaining ingredients for a spell takes more than five minutes and a snap of my fingers these days.
Crowley sets the bag on the table.
CASTIEL
Were you followed?
CROWLEY
You haven't touched your coffee, have you? You could've at least taken a sip after all the trouble I went thr-
CASTIEL
Were you followed?!
CROWLEY
No. What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?!
CASTIEL
Can't be too sure.
CROWLEY
I've upheld my end of the bargain. What about you, Cas? Tell me you've located someone or some thing that can help us return to our respective humble abodes?
CASTIEL
Not quite, but I have been doing a fair amount of research.
CROWLEY
Have you?
Crowley turns on the TV. Casa Erotica is on. He turns it back off.
CROWLEY
Well, given the sheer amount of hands on research one can compile from a single issue of Busty Asian Beauties alone, I don't know whether to be grateful or lament the fact that I was tardy to the party.
CASTIEL
Yes. Well…
CROWLEY
You think this is a vacation?! Multiple worlds are collapsing like dwarf stars and you want to watch a failed actor and a crack whore – neither of whom I can tell apart, mind you – bump uglies? My cards are all on the table, Cas. Are yours?! No hidden angel pal up your sleeve? No time wizards running around Great Britain?
Castiel shakes his head.
CASTIEL
I'll never get use to this slow path. When I had wings –
CROWLEY
And who do you have to blame for that little transgression?
Castiel balls his fist.
CASTIEL
Metatron tricked me.
CROWLEY
Oh yes. That seems to happen to you a lot, doesn't it? Lost your white and flufflies. Let those insatiable tapeworms in.
CASTIEL
As I recall, opening the door to Purgatory was a joint venture. I made a mistake. Many, but I'm trying to fix things. All you care about is reclaiming your title.
CROWLEY
It's more than a title. It's my bloody kingdom!
CASTIEL
You tricked Dean into –
CROWLEY
Trick? Ha! That squirrelly, surly little nightmare on legs made his own decisions. It's not my fault he let the power go to his head! Remind you of anyone?
Castiel puts his angel blade to Crowley's throat. Crowley aims a gun at Castiel's chest.
CROWLEY
Looks like you brought a knife to a gun fight.
CASTIEL
That would be true. If you could pull the trigger before I silence you forever.
CROWLEY
It appears we've reached a stand-off. Minus the Mexicans. I won't tell if you won't.
Someone knocks on the door.
CROWLEY
Cas? Manners.
CASTIEL shoves him back and goes for the door. He looks back at Crowley, who aims at the door, then nods.
He opens it. A PAPER BOY walks in. Castiel and Crowley hide their weapons behind their backs.
CASTIEL
Hello?
PAPER BOY
Hi, I'm selling subscriptions of the all-new Weekly World News at a very low price.
CROWLEY
Seems like a dying medium to me.
CASTIEL
Crowley? Manners.
Crowley forces a smile, then rolls his eyes.
CASTIEL
I hate to be rude, but we were just in the middle of something. Could you come by again tomorrow?
PAPER BOY
No can do. Protocol.
CROWLEY
Really? Because I fail to see any such thing. Or is it all done online nowadays?
PAPER BOY
No, some things technology just can't beat. Like nature. If you go to a real quiet place and concentrate long enough, it's amazing what you can find. What you can smell.
The Paper Boy punches Castiel into the wall. The Paper Boy transforms into the weird Leviathan CGI face, then back again.
PAPER BOY
Levi's gonna be so proud!
CROWLEY
(picking up a bottle of Borax)
Back up, Alfalfa.
PAPER BOY
Or what? You'll squirt me too death?
CROWLEY
Actually, I'm relatively sure there are laws against that sort of thing.
PAPER BOY
Wait a minute… You're the former King of Hell!
CROWLEY
Former?!
PAPER BOY
Pleasure to eat you sir!
Crowley squirts him with some Borax. The Paper Boy's skin burns.
PAPER BOY
Ow! You stupid fucking asshole! I'm gonna fucking filet the both of you!
CROWLEY
How about a rain check?
Crowley slices the Paper Boy's head off with an angel blade.
CROWLEY
Or not.
He turns to Castiel who is still recovering.
CROWLEY
Cas? Are you alive?
Crowley moves closer. Will he kill him?
CASTIEL
Crowley… Watch out!
The Paper boy, who has grown two identical Leviathan messed up CGI heads, grabs Crowley.
CROWLEY
That's new.
TO BE CONTINUED…
