"…In this light you look like Poseidon.

I'm just a ghost you walk right through…"

-Sufjan Stevens, "All Of Me Wants All Of You"

The sound of his own heartbeat keeps him awake. At least, that's what he blames it on. He's gotten so used to lying now that he's forgotten what's real. He's trained himself so well that he genuinely believes he's okay. He's miserable and tired, but he's okay. On nights like tonight, he's especially ignorant to his own sorrow. The pulsing in his ears is just that. No explanation. No questions. No solution. His anxiety isn't to blame, of course not. His throbbing headache is just the same. No explanation. No questions. No solution.

Nico opens his eyes and squints at his alarm clock. The flashing green numbers on the display burn his dry eyes, but his eyes adjust within a few seconds well enough for him to read the blurry text. Two in the morning. The sound of his sheets rustling and an exaggerated sigh temporarily replace his heartbeat as he feels around for his phone. After a few moments of blindly groping at his sheets (and knocking a pile of books and ukulele off of his bed- when was the last time he'd touched that thing?) he felt the matte plastic of his phone case beneath his fingers and pulled it from the charger.

This is a fairly common occurrence for him. Late at night when he can't sleep, he'll reread a particular conversation he'd had over a year ago and sometimes, only sometimes, it'll make the numbness disappear temporarily. He's gone through these motions hundreds of times, he doesn't think about it anymore. He doesn't think about anything anymore, really. He just does without thinking. That, or he overthinks everything until he's convinced himself not to do it.

His phone screen casts a blue light on his face as he swipes away dozens of notifications. Mostly made up of emails from Twitter or verification texts he hasn't bothered to get rid of. He sees an email from school, regarding his grades, and pauses. His heart beats harder in his ears before swiping that away too, the last of his notifications. He breathes out gentler this time, tapping the "Message" icon on his home screen. Nico scrolls down to the near bottom of the page and stops when he sees Percy's name.

Beside it is grey text which reads "Thanks bud!" followed by five square boxes, presumably emojis that his own phone is too outdated for them to be viewable.

Nico means to open the conversation, but his thumb slips and he taps Percy's icon instead. It enlarges with the options to edit, text, send email and… call. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't. It's two in the morning on a school night, he's a complete mess right now, he could break down crying any second and-

"Hello?"

Jesus, his voice is so warm when it's groggy. Nico rests his head on the pillow and tears his eyes away from the image on the screen and presses the phone to his ear. Why can't he make himself hang up?

"...hey," he hates how weak his voice sounds. He's not a weak person, he knows that, everyone knows that. If anything, people are intimidated by him. He clears his throat. There's a long silence.

"Listen man, if you're calling for chem homework, I didn't do it either."

Maybe Nico should be offended at the implications, and he normally would be, but he isn't. He's not had a conversation with Percy outside of school in months, "I'm not."

He hears a tired laugh on the other side of the call, "Did you call specifically to wake me up? Because I hate to break it to you, but I was playing Skyrim and have no intention of sleeping until homeroom."

The regret has settled in, he really shouldn't be doing this. They're barely even friends. And yet, the butterflies in his stomach are enough to keep him on the line, "Oh."

There's another long pause and Nico can hear the game, which he wasn't even aware of until now, being paused, "Hey. Are you okay? Do you need me to call somebody?"

Nico feels himself tense up as he remembers his place. Suddenly his surroundings feel less solid, as if any moment now he'll phase through the mattress or his phone will be ripped from his hand by the wind outside. He swallows and shuts his eyes, the flashing numbers on his clock disappearing, "No. If I needed someone that wasn't you, I'd have called someone else. I called you. I'm- I'm fine," goddamn, he was stuttering now?

"... Alright. Hey, do you want me to drive over there? I could bring my Xbox if you have a TV and we could-"

Nico hung up the phone, breathing hard and heavy. He stares at Percy's icon as his phone shakes in his trembling hands. He'd taken the photo of him three years ago. Nico must have been eleven, maybe twelve. Percy still had a little baby fat in his cheeks then. He was winking at the camera, an out of focus arm reaching past it. He'd been trying to grab Nico's milkshake. Asking him to take his photo was just part of the scheme, but Nico kept the photo anyway. The red in Percy's cheeks and reflection of the streetlight in his eyes, a perfect contrast of sea green and red, made for a nice photo on a day Nico looked back on fondly. Not that he'd admit it, of course.

He sets his phone aside, only for it to start vibrating seconds later. He doesn't pick up, just lays on his back and shuts his eyes. It takes until two thirty for the calls and texts to stop and until three for him to finally drift off to sleep.

Nico rests his head against the schoolbus window and focuses his eyes on the seat in front of him. Six months ago, he'd stuck a small strip of duct tape to the back of the seat out of curiosity how long it'd last. The edges are slightly more curled up than last week, but it isn't close to falling off yet. He stiffens as the bus comes to a stop, holding on tightly to his backpack to keep it from falling. He knows without looking out the window that this is Percy's stop.

His eyes are glued to the tape as the seat beside him is filled and he feels Percy's eyes on him. Percy's a nice guy, this doesn't mean he cares about him. It means he cares about everyone . Nico's known this for years and stopped mistaking his concern for affection a long while back.

"You know, if you don't like video games, you could have just said so," Percy laughs, the awkward kind of laugh that makes Nico think he doesn't really want to be talking to him.

"I'm more of a card game guy."

"Yeah, you're pretty good at playing solitaire," Percy pauses, expecting a laugh, grinning. Normally he'd nudge Nico, but he knows well enough that the boy doesn't like physical contact.

"I was thinking more along the lines of yugioh, but sure."

Percy, bless his heart, has no clue what to say. It's always been that way with Nico. Little does he know, Nico constructs these conversations intentionally to last the least amount of time as possible. He knows he's difficult to respond to, he tries his damn hardest to keep it that way.

Nico's resting his head back on the bus window again and the vibrations from the road ease his headache. The butterflies in his stomach are another story. With Percy's arm draped over the seat in his own oblivious way, Nico can feel the butterflies multiply and he hates it. Even if Percy were interested,and that's a big "if," he wouldn't want his affection. Nico doesn't really want any affection at all. Especially not from Percy.

He beats his fingertips against his knee and attempts to distract himself from his guilt. He knows Percy's a good guy and doesn't deserve to be ignored like this. Yet, the alternative isn't any better, so he says nothing but the occasional "yeah" or "sure" when Percy tries to strike up conversation again. That is, until Nico starts getting agitated.

Percy's been talking nonstop for fifteen minutes, his monologue mostly made up of idiotic puns and rude jokes about their teachers. Nico knows he's just trying to cheer him up, but that's what's pissing him off.

"You don't have to be a goddamn hero all the time, alright? Go sit with someone else. I want to listen to music."

Percy pauses, his grin fading, "Oh. Yeah. Uh, okay," he blinks, startled more than surprised. This is normal behavior for Nico, after all. Percy's not a complete idiot, he knows what Nico's doing. Sometimes it's easier to isolate yourself than it is to confront your own issues, even he understands that, "Let me know if you need anything."

"I don't."

Nico feels Percy's arm slip off of the seat, brushing against his shoulder for a moment. He tenses up. Percy likely perceives it as irritation, but Nico almost wants to cry. He feels like he's being taunted. He's never felt as cheated out of life as he does at this moment. He's had trauma after trauma, and this is the thing that breaks him.

He kicks the back of the seat in front of him once Percy's moved to the back of the bus. His fingernails dig into his forearm. He's not doing this today. He's flunking anyways, there's no point in attending. He stands up the second the bus stops, ignoring how his vision blurs and a wave of nausea passes over him. He'll deal with that later. He grips the sides of the seats as he walks down the aisle and out of the bus, ignoring the driver's protests. He manages to get a few feet down the sidewalk before hunching over and panting. He knows better than to stand up so quickly, but Nico's nothing if not self destructive. He feels a hand on his back. His vision clears and he recognizes Percy's blue Converse.

"Really?" his voice is strained. It's moments like these that he remembers how incapable he is of being independent. He feels vulnerable. It's strange how much he can love Percy and still not trust him. He doesn't have reason to. They barely interact. The two of them had probably spoken more in the past twelve hours than the past month.

Percy crouches down beside him. His curious gaze makes Nico nauseous for a whole other reason, "Really. I only had one class today anyway. I think I'm needed here more than I am at school."

Nico really wishes he could argue. He'd not realized how bad he was today, but he doesn't know if he can stand back up, even. No doubt the fault of his insomnia. His head throbs, "Could you get my water out of my backpack?" he mumbles. Jesus, he hates this. He rests on his knees as the bus speeds away. Percy nods his head and seconds later he feels a cool metal thermos pressed into his hand. He knows it probably won't help, but it's difficult sometimes to tell the difference between symptoms and a functional body's needs.

"It's easy to forget how sick you are," Percy laughs softly, placing the thermos back in the bag once Nico was finished, "Your hot headed personality sort of makes up for it, I think."

"Funny. I'm never able to forget about how sick I am," Nico grabs his backpack, sliding it onto one of his shoulders, "If you insist on being here, could I get some help up, maybe?"

"You sure you don't need to be carried or something? I-"

"No! No. No," Nico makes a face.

Percy laughs again, "Alright, I just thought I should offer."

After a few moments of fumbling and struggling, Nico is on his feet again. His legs are shaking beneath him. Percy insists that in the very least, Nico allows him to be a crutch. The two of them begin to walk in the direction of Nico's house, albeit slowly. Nico tries his hardest not to get distracted with the way Percy's hand is resting on his ribcage.

It takes them a long while, but they make it to Nico's house. It occurs to him as he unlocks the door that Percy's not been in this building since the night of Bianca's funeral. Judging by the sullen look on his face, he's realizing the same thing. It's easy for Nico to forget that Bianca and Percy had been close too. There was a time that Percy and his friends would come over every Saturday night for dinner and Just Dance. Despite being the youngest, Nico was always included. Those were some of his happiest memories. But with just the two of them in the cold living room, the TV and Wii coated in dust, the feeling of nostalgia quickly turns to a dull ache for the both of them.

"Help yourself to anything in the fridge. There's some day old pizza, I think," Nico lets go of Percy reluctantly, feeling hollow. He unscrews the cap of a pill bottle, dry swallowing three of them.

"You got diagnosed?" Percy inquires, opening the fridge.

"Nah," Nico sits on the counter, though it takes a couple of tries to hoist himself up, "We're just trying these out. It'd narrow down the options and shit."

"Oh," Percy says through a mouthful of pizza. He swallows before speaking again, "And this is doctor number…?"

"Nine, I think," he kicks off his boots onto the kitchen tiles, "Hey, can we maybe not talk about that? I'm sort of sick of medical talk."

Percy laughs, "Pun intended?"

"No," Nico deadpans.

Percy continues on smiling like an idiot, even as he takes another bite of pizza, "Hey, you mind if I hang around for awhile? Mom will kill me if she finds out I skipped school again."

"Knock yourself out. I'm gonna hang out in my room."

"Cool!" Percy grabs a second slice and follows him into his room.

Nico gives him a look, which he's completely oblivious to, but says nothing else. He opens his Kindle case after reclining in bed, music playing seconds later. He switches to Candy Crush immediately, anything to keep his eyes off of Percy, who's sitting on the bed beside Nico's knees.

"I'd make fun of you for your messy room, but mine isn't much better."

"Hey, it's clean , just… cluttered. You make it sound like there's mold everywhere," Nico glances up and immediately regrets it. He wants so badly to lean forward and steal a kiss. They're barely a foot away from one another.

"As far as you know," Percy grins.

"Well now I'm going to be paranoid about mold for the next few years of my life. Thanks for that, Percy," hearing the sound of his own voice, accent thick, causes him to shrink into himself. He feels a frustrated anger building up in his chest. He's so defensive at this point that no one has to say a word for him to get upset.

Percy, unobservant as ever, laughs, "Sorry buddy."

He feels his cheeks burning uncomfortably. His heart is pounding in his chest and he wants to disappear. He laughs weakly, which turns into a small coughing fit, "...buddy. Been awhile since I could even call you a friend."

Percy frowns, "...I know. I'm sorry. You have every right to still be angry at me. Hell, I'm still angry at myself."

Nico shakes his head quickly, "No. I'm not… I'm not angry at you anymore. That was immature. It wasn't your fault. I just mean- It's been years since I've considered anyone a friend. I have my grandma, I have doctors, I have teachers. I don't have friends."

"Is that… I don't know. Intentional?"

"I guess so," Nico shrugs, "It's like, isolation is some sort of safety blanket for me. It sucks, but it's easy," his hair falls in his face and he brushes it back with his fingers. He puts the tablet aside as he loses the level of Candy Crush, "I don't know why I'm talking to you about this, of all people," Nico laughs bitterly.

Percy leans forward to rest a hand on his shoulder, "Hey-"

"Don't touch me," he tenses up, squeezing his eyes shut, "Sorry. Just. Okay?"

He pulls his hand back, nodding slowly, "Yeah. No problem. Sorry."

Nico leans back against his headboard, shutting his eyes, trying to recollect himself. He's near the point of panicking, he hears his heartbeat in his ears and- was that the door closing? Fuck, Percy left. Of course he would, why wouldn't he? He feels a tear trickle down his neck. He didn't realize he was crying until now. He almost lets out a sob, but then- he hears a D chord.

He opens his eyes, wiping his cheek to see Percy playing his ukulele. He is pretty obviously a novice. Regardless, he feels himself relax. He smiles a just a little bit, "Is that Bright Eyes?"

Percy returns his smile with a toothy grin, "Lua, yeah."

"I'd ask you to sing it, but I know from experience you're a shitty singer," Nico settles himself under the blankets, laying on his side to face Percy.

"No need to be rude," Percy feigns hurt.

"Agree to disagree," he shuts his eyes again, yawning, "You mind if I sleep?"

"I don't mind. Gives me the opportunity to steal more pizza."

"Hog," Nico mutters. Surely Percy replies, but Nico tunes into the music and eventually tunes out completely. Percy hears his quiet snores no less than two minutes later. With a small smile, he sets down the ukulele on the bed. Yes, Percy might just have a bit of a hero complex, but it allows for moments like these.

...

I have some plot ideas, so let me know if you want this to be a chapter fic, but if not, it'll probably be a one shot. This was 100% venting on my end haha. Contact me on tumblr gnome-aesthetic or on instagram nolifeisenough if you've got questions or anything.