A/N - Hi guys! I'm back, at least for awhile ;)
This is a repost of SSIO since I've looked through the gramma and such.
Please read and feel free to review! :)
Sugar, spell it out
Chapter one
I had the worst morning ever. I am not joking, this seriously fits in the autobiography of Ashley Davies and there is a lot of stories from my past. I mean a LOT! Everything in between funerals and weddings, not mine of course. Okay, one sort of was but that's another story that involves me running away at the wedding day. Yeah, yeah, I'm an asshole. Nothing new. In my defence though, I was young and not anywhere near in my right mind to be married to someone. I really did them a favour. Anyways, back to the present.
Maybe I should go back to what actually happen this morning.
Flashback
It's a simple fact
That you can't seem to handle me
No matter how you act with them
You can't handle me
You gotta make me feel you got my back
But you're a selfish
Narcissistic psycho-freaking
Boot-licking Nazi creep and
You can't handle me
What the fuck is that sound? I thought to myself as I slowly sat up in the bed. Shit, it's my phone, I realize and throw myself out of bed as the search began. The room is pitch dark and I can't see shit. Where the fuck is it? I say out loud to myself and jump five feet as I don't expect an answer.
"It's in the bathroom" A voice grumps from the bed.
And where the fuck did she come from? This time I keep my thoughts to myself as I make my way to the bathroom. I find it in the sink. Kind of happy that it still works, I check who's been calling me in the middle of the fucking night.
6 missing calls from my sister Kyla. Go figure.
As I call here up my head is pounding and it doesn't help when she's answering.
"Where the FUCK are you?"
"Eh...I actually don't know" I say rubbing my temple trying to ease the headache. I really have no clue where I am or how I got here.
"Are you really that irresponsible that you don't even know where you are? I thought you were past the stupid, childish days of your life?" She screams in my ear.
"Kyla, calm the fuck down! I can't hear myself think. Why are you even calling me in the middle of the night?" I ask as I make my way out of the bathroom.
"What do you mean middle of the night? It's almost noon."
"What? Are you freaking kidding me?" I hiss as I go to the window and pull the curtains apart and see that she is in fact right. The bright sun makes its way into what I think is a hotel room. I turn around to watch for any signs of how I got here. Finding non.
"No, I'm not kidding you. Why do you think I've been calling you so many times? Please tell me that you are on your way to the movie set?" She pleads with a worried voice.
I don't answer her right away as I see a tray on the table beside the couch. Please tell me that isn't what I think it is, I think to myself as I bend down beside it. There's a 100$ bill and a razorblade on the tray together with some traces of white powder.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck..."
"What?"
"I think I screwed up big time" I mumble.
"What are you saying?" Kyla asks and by the sound of her voice she already knows.
"I'm saying..." I trail of because I don't know what to say. If I say the truth I'm going to disappoint her so much and I don't wanna do that 'cause she's the only reason I'm still alive.
But I can't lie to her either, she sees right through my bullshit.
"Ashley?"
"Wait a sec, Ky."
I walk over to the girl in the bed whose name I don't remember. And considering I don't remember a thing from yesterday that really isn't so strange.
"Hey!" I yell and shake her shoulders.
"Mmm?" She mumbles.
"Where the fuck are we?"
"Four Seasons" She answers without lifting her head.
I put my phone back to my ear.
"Kyla? Will you do me a huge favour and pick me up at the Four Seasons and drop me of at home?"
"Shit, Ashley! What the fuck are you doing there?"
"Kyla, please?" I plead with her.
"Fine, I'll be there in 20."
"Thank you" I say sincerely and hang up the phone.
I start to search the room for my clothes and when I gathered all my things I head to the door.
"Hey, where are you going?" The girl from the bed asks, finally lifting her head.
"Home." I answer simply.
"Why? Come back to bed Ash!"
"Ash? I'm not Ash to you. Only my friends call me that and since I don't even remember your name, I highly doubt you are my friend." I say leaving the room and closing the door behind me with a bang.
Maybe that was a bit harsh, but what the fuck ever. Hope I didn't give her my number... I push the down button on the elevator, waiting impatiently for it to arrive.
Man, I'm so stupid. Why couldn't I just kept to the alcohol? Why did I have to go back to that shit? Why didn't I stay home like Kyla told me to? Every year we've been together at the anniversary of our fathers dead. Why? Why now? I haven't touched that shit for three years. God, I'm so fucking stupid.
I take a seat on a bench outside the hotel and roam through my pockets and my purse for any kind of clues of what I've been up to the night before. The only thing I found is a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I put it back in purse at the same time as Kyla arrives in her SUV.
"Hey", I say with a sigh as I sink low in the passenger seat.
"Do you have any idea how worried I have been?" She asks calmly.
"No, but I am really sorry. Can we please talk about this tonight at dinner?" I ask with a sigh.
She's quiet for a second or two, probably thinking of her answer.
"Yeah, we can. But don't think for a second that you're going to get away with this. I'm getting married in a couple of weeks and I actually need my big sister there for me. I can't go through this with you again. I really can't. I need you now. Need you to be the sane one for a change. I can't help you pick up the pieces one more time, I don't think I have strength. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She says in a low voice and throws a glance at me.
I nod my head as a answer and I tear rolls down my cheek. I don't have anything to say to her because everything she just said is so true. I can't put her in that position again. She has done so much for me already. I need to pull my shit together, not just for me.
As Kyla stops in front of my house she turns to me.
"You are going to be there tonight, right?"
"Yes, of course. And I promise we'll talk then. But right now I got to get ready and get to my meeting with Jamie."
"Okay, good. When are you suppose to be there?"
"At 1.30. So I'll make it."
"Good" She starts with a sigh before continuing "I love you sis, please don't ever scare me like this again. For the second time in my life a thought I'd lost you."
"I would never do that to you again. I'm so sorry that I scared you." I say and put my arms around her in a tight hug.
We sit there in silence for awhile before I release her and says that I really gotta go and that I'll call here after my meeting.
I hurry inside and in the shower. Put on fresh makeup and clothes and head out to the garage and decide that it's a perfect day to ride my black Porsche convertible. It always makes me feel better.
As I realise I have the time and that I really need my caffeine, I make a quick stop at a Starbucks on the way.
End Flashback
So here I am now, sitting in a trailer with my coffee and waiting for Jamie. It's been one hell of a day and I rather just go home and try to figure out how to make this right with Kyla.
I can't let her down again. And I don't wanna let Jamie down either, she's a too good of a friend to me and I don't exactly have that many friends that I can afford to lose them.
On top of this shit I feel like crap. Like I just got run over by an 18-wheeler and just when I was about to get up a nuclear bomb with the size of small mansion blows up inside my head.
I take a big swig of the coffee and feel the warm fluid making its way to my stomach.
This job means a lot to me so I'm not going to screw it up. This is the first job I've chosen for my own sake and not because of the contacts that I can earn from it, or for the sake of increasing my reputation to get myself a name. No, that I have already managed to do in the past.
You see, I kind of had it all served on a silver spoon when I started out...
To make a long story short; my dad died when I was 17 of an overdose so I dropped out of High School, got my GED, wanted to go in my fathers footsteps, got sign to Sony Music, made my first record, sold platinum, toured for a year and I drank a lot, started doing drugs, slept with practically every girl that crossed my path, was a royal bitch to everyone, made my second record which also sold platinum, toured for another year which included more alcohol, more and heavier drugs such as heroin which was what killed my father. Then I became somewhat uncontrollable so Sony dropped me and I was stuck with my demons, the drugs.
The only one who were left to look out for me was Kyla, even though I pushed her away and were the biggest asshole in the universe, she stood by me. On the three year anniversary of our fathers death we were watching a movie at our house when I was starting to feel the withdrawals from the heroin. Kyla knew somehow she couldn't help me unless I wanted the help and I didn't. Anyways, so I wanted heroin and in order to get it I had to go up to my room where my stash was hidden. I told Kyla I needed to go to the bathroom and left.
As I got to my room I locked the door and went to my bathroom and made the drugs ready to inject. After the injection I don't remember I thing until next morning. I wake up in my bed feeling like shit and I realize Kyla is banging on the door screaming and crying. She thought I was dead and for a moment so did I. I feel a pain in my left arm and sees that the drain is still in my skin and there's dried blood on my arm, in my bed and in my right palm. This is the moment I realize that I am sick and I need help. I don't want to die and I certainly don't want to die the same way my father did. I need help and I need it fast.
My head is everywhere and it takes me some time until it hits me that Kyla is still at my door screaming.
I snatch the needle from my arm and open the door for her. I remember the look on her face like it was yesterday and I will never forget it. The combination of fear, concern, anger, relief and her eyes were so lost, like she didn't know where to go from here. I will never forget the look on her face and in that moment I promised myself that I'd never make her feel that way again. But I know I was very close to break my own promise last night.
Anyways, when I open the door for her I fall in to a heap on the floor and she holds me. She holds me while I break down into a complete mess. I don't know for how long I lay there in her arms and cry and it doesn't matter, because I knew from that moment that things could only get better.
The next day I put myself in rehab where I stayed for three months, Kyla visited me twice a week and she never faltered. She always believed in me, even when I was a bitch to her and that was pretty often.
When I got out from rehab I had a plan. I was starting my own record label and money wasn't a problem so that I did. I was 20 then and I have since worked with a lot of famous artists and produced their music. It wasn't easy in the begining. I didn't really have great reputation in the business due to my drug problems. But I made it and I am now very respected as a producer. It took me some hard work and many hours to get where I am today, but here I am three years later and have the possibilities to do almost whatever I want. Such as this project I am doing now. Working with Jamie is something I've wanted to do since I met her at the rehab centre, she was in there for the same reasons as me but she was an addict much longer than me. She's 27 and a film director and is currently working on a movie about troubled kids in LA:s underworld. My role in this, making the music. It's a pretty low-budget film so she can't exactly use already existing music so I'm going to make it and I'm really excited.
I'm also pitching in some of my own money to the film so she can make it happen.
"Hey." Jamie says with a small smile as she opens the door.
"Hey you" I say as I stand up.
"Take a walk with me?" Jamie ask calmly and looks into my eyes.
I look back in her eyes for a second and realize that Kyla has called her.
"Kyla called you?" I ask as I stare down at my hands that are fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.
"Yeah, she did. She said something happened last night. She said you didn't tell her what it was, but that you guys are going to talk about it tonight."
"Yeah..."
"Come on, lets walk." She says and exits the trailer.
I make my way outside and come to the conclusion that if it someone I can talk about this it is with her. We start to walk in silence and I really don't know where to start.
"I screwed up yesterday" I say quietly after awhile.
"Yeah?" She asks as she sits down at a bench and motion for me to do the same.
"Yeah, I don't remember much."
"Okay, why don't you tell me the things you do remember?"
I gather my thoughts for a moment.
"Yesterday was six years since dad died" I trail of because it's the only thing I can say before I feel the tears starting to make their way down my cheeks.
Jamie puts an arm around me and I snuggle up close to her and put my head on her shoulder.
She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. She already know what yesterday was.
"I was at home, alone, waiting for Kyla to finish work. We were suppose to watch a movie as we always do. Then she calls and says that she have to work late. I don't blame her, I know how important this job is to her but I couldn't get by the fact that I was alone at the only day of the year that I really can't be alone. So I began to watch the movie but got bored fast. And I don't know how or why but I poured me a drink and downed it fast, which led to more drinks. The next thing I remember is that I'm at Ego and the bartender denies me anymore drinks. I got pissed and yelled at him. He was about to throw me out when a girl comes up and tells him she's going to take me home. We leave the club and end up at Four Seasons and drink some more. Then she pulls out a bag of coke from her purse and starts to line it up at a tray.
She snorts a couple of them and asks if I want. Which I do but I don't remember if I did it or not and the next thing I know is that I wake up to my phone ringing. And by the way I felt when I woke up I know I did it." I finish telling Jamie what happen and my tears are running freely now.
I abruptly stand up.
"I can't believe how stupid I am. I can't fucking understand it. Why couldn't I just listen to her? She knows me too fucking well, she knew I would do something like this. I fucking hate myself for doing this to her. She deserve so much better!"
"Ashley! Calm down" Jamie says as she grabs a hold of me and put me down at the bench again.
I stare down at my lap as she still holds her hands on my shoulders and rubbing her thumbs against my collarbones in a calming way.
"Ashley, look at me." She whispers.
Slowly I raze my gaze and meet her eyes.
"It's okay, everybody relapse. It's a part of the healing process. You already know this. You're going to be alright, you hear me?"
I slowly nod my head and stare at my fidgeting fingers again.
"What am I going to do now?" I whisper.
"You're going to come with me and meet some of my actors, to take your mind of this for a moment. Then you're going to the clinic to take a urine test to see if you took any of that cocaine. If you did in fact take any, you're going to go to the first NA meeting possible. Okay?"
I nod my head in answer.
"Can you come with?" I ask shyly.
"Of course, Ash. If that's what you want I will come with you."
I raise myself from the bench and pull her in for a tight hug.
"Thank you."
"Anytime, Ash. Anytime."
