Okay, so this is my first Criminal Minds story, so please don't judge me too hard. Constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated, but please do not be just plain rude or mean.
Alex Blake couldn't breathe.
It had been two months since she'd returned to the BAU, which in turn was two months since she'd been forced to face Erin again. She'd been avoiding the other woman as best as she could for those two months, but it was difficult when the woman was her boss once again. She was constantly encountering her in the hallways, the bullpen, the briefing room. It was impossible to just push their past aside and ignore her.
But what was even more difficult to ignore was the very obvious relationship the blonde had with David Rossi. Alex knew that Erin had always prided herself on being a generally discreet and private person, especially in matters pertaining to her love life.
Apparently a lot of things have changed. The brunette thought bitterly, glaring up at Erin's closed office door.
Stop that right now. That was dangerous territory that she had worked very hard to lock away in the farthest, smallest corner of her mind. After their...whatever it had been, Alex had thrown herself fully into her marriage, making sure her husband knew that she loved him. And if there was a part of her that was using him as a way to get over Erin's betrayal, well that was just another thing she pushed out of her mind.
"Alex?" The brunette's eyes snapped up to meet Reid's, suddenly feeling very defensive, as though he could read her thoughts.
"Yes?" she asked, trying her hardest to keep any irritation or guilt out of her voice.
"Are you alright? You've been staring up at Strauss's door for a solid ten minutes." he said, a note of worry in his voice. Alex cursed herself mentally. All of these people were profilers too, and Reid knew more about her than the others, having lectured in her classes. Honestly, why had she thought no one would notice her behavior?
"I'm fine." she nodded. "Just lost in thought, I suppose, staring at nothing in particular." Reid nodded, though he didn't seem convinced.
It's nobody else's business. If I say I didn't realize I was staring at her door, then they have no reason not to believe me. She thought, though she knew she couldn't ever really convince herself of that. The tension between her and Erin was hardly a secret. Everyone could feel it whenever the two of them were in the same room together. But, nevertheless, her feelings remained. It was nobody else's business. This whole thing was between her and Erin, not that they would ever talk about it. Alex refused to talk about it. Talking about it would only bring more anger and pain.
"Briefing in ten minutes." JJ called, breezing through the bullpen. Alex sighed, standing up. She hated herself for thinking it, but at least a new case would get her mind off of Erin. At least, that was what she thought until she walked into the briefing room and saw the blonde in question standing next to the big screen. She barely resisted the urge to turn around and flee, instead forcing herself to sit in silence in a chair as far from the other woman as possible. She stayed silent, refusing to make eye contact even as she felt Erin's eyes on her, even as the others began to slowly file in.
Do not let her know where your thoughts have been. Alex repeated the mental mantra several times, willing herself not to let anything show. Both she and Erin had always been very adept at hiding things from others. But not from each other. At least, not until the Amerithrax case. She quickly shook off that train of thought, knowing it would only lead to hostility that she wouldn't be able to explain to the others. Finally, she forced her eyes upwards, just in time to catch a glimpse of Rossi brushing a hand against Erin's back as he rounded the table to sit down.
She averted her eyes once more, beginning to take down notes from the screen so aggressively that the tip of her pencil broke. All eyes landed on her, but she looked up and met only Erin's in challenge. Daring her to ask.
Go on. Be yourself Chief Strauss. Let me have it. She thought resentfully. But Erin didn't take the bait. The blonde let her eyes flit over the other agents before training them back on the screen, beginning the briefing as though nothing had occurred. Alex glared at the other woman's back. You do not get to give me nothing to hold onto. Not after what you did to me.
The briefing went fairly quickly, and Alex was the first to make her escape, hurrying to her desk to grab her go bag. They were headed to California this time, and she was thanking God that she was going to be so far from Erin for a little while. That is, until she actually got on the plane and found the other woman sitting in one of the seats in front of the table.
"I didn't realize you would be accompanying us on this case Chief Strauss." she forced herself to say, her tone carefully neutral. It took all of her willpower not to look away when Erin's blue-green eyes lifted to meet her own.
"It was a last minute decision Dr. Blake." the blonde replied evenly. "A few of the authorities in San Jose wanted a bureaucrat to come along for negotiation purposes as to who gets full reign over the case." Alex frowned, though out of confusion or irritation even she couldn't be sure.
"Why would anyone other than us have full reign over this case?" she asked. Erin raised an eyebrow, and God if that didn't bring up plenty of memories.
"All of the victims are members of their police force. As I explained during the briefing." she replied pointedly. Alex's mind scrambled to figure out when that particular piece of information had been brought up and what she had been doing at the time. She realized it was probably in the small stretch of time before she'd broken her pencil. She had retained none of the information in those notes, despite having gotten a pen from Garcia and taken down the rest of the information.
"I must have missed it." she commented casually, taking a seat close to the back of the jet. Not enough that it was going to be obvious to the others that she wanted to be away from Erin, but enough that the woman in question got the message. Erin hummed lightly, a sound that once again brought up very pleasant yet very unwelcome memories. Alex grit her teeth, forcing her attention onto her notes. It was a few more minutes filled with the light tap of Erin's heels on the floor of the jet, a tell of impatience that Alex had actually always found to be adorable, before the rest of the team boarded. She found it was easier to simply tune them all out once it was clear they weren't discussing the case until they got to California, and the flight commenced in relative silence.
When they arrived in California, they were pushed straight into the investigation. To her relief, she barely had to interact with Erin. She and the team were constantly out in the field, and the blonde was always in the police chief's office trying to satisfy those higher up in the brass. The case took an entire week, but they finally caught the dirtbag who had been mutilating and murdering officers of the San Jose police. However, since it was so late, they had decided to simply stay overnight in their hotel and fly home on the jet in the morning.
Alex walked into the hotel bar, rubbing the back of her neck in an attempt to relieve the tension built up there. She rolled her head back and forth, the large knot of stress making her feel intensely uncomfortable.
"Vodka. Straight." she requested of the bartender, sitting on a bar stool with a light groan.
"They say you should never drink alone." The voice behind her caused Alex's heart to race in a way she had hoped to be long gone.
"Yes well, I don't have a drinking partner who can keep up." she replied, turning around slowly and regretting it as soon as she did. Erin looked stunning as usual, but it was more pronounced now that they were off the job. She had chosen a long sleeve teal dress that accentuated her figure and made the blue-green of her eyes pop. Seeing her like that again made Alex remember how good Erin's clothes had always looked on her. And how much better they looked on the floor…
Get ahold of yourself. Her inner monologue snapped.
"Once upon a time I recall being able to keep up with you just fine."
"What are you doing here Erin?" Alex asked tiredly. "And if you make some snarky comment about staying in this hotel too, I might actually spontaneously combust." She saw a hint of smile on the blonde's face.
"I am meeting David for dinner." she answered. Alex hummed in an attempt to dispel the sudden and unwelcome surge of jealousy that made her chest tighten.
"Well have fun then." she said, picking up her drink and taking a very liberal sip of it. Erin looked at her with a hint of worry but knew it was better if she didn't push.
"Alex…" she said hesitantly, drawing the brunette's attention. "Can we talk later? Please?" The linguist took a moment, contemplating her options. On the one hand, it was safer for her to say no. Talking about their past was bound to bring up memories that she didn't want to relive. But it was so difficult for her to refuse Erin anything. It always had been. Which is why she found herself nodding without her mind actually giving her body consent to do so.
"I think we should." she agreed carefully. And in that moment, she couldn't bring herself to regret agreeing or even to think of what may happen when they truly did let those old memories come to the surface. It was worth it to see the light in Erin's eyes that she'd desperately missed, no matter how much she told herself she hadn't.
They talked civilly for another few minutes until Dave showed up and casually slipped an arm around Erin's shoulders. It made Alex's heart hurt more than she had ever known it could. And as she watched the two of them head towards the hotel's restaurant, she felt a sense of longing that she'd previously managed to compartmentalize and ignore. In an attempt to do so once more, she went up to her room and called her husband on Skype, though she was more withdrawn than he had seen her in ages. They talked for a few hours until James had to go, and then Alex climbed into bed, her mind still on the blonde downstairs. And as she turned out the light, the brunette wondered…
What had she done to deserve so much conflict in her life?
