Jack's Worst Nightmare

When Jack awoke, he could tell all was not right. The rhythmic sway of the waters under the boat, a constant, gentle reminder from the sea, was missing. Instead, the world was steady, still, unmoving.

It made his head hurt.

Reaching for his tableside bottle of rum, he noticed it too was missing. "What the devil?" he growled, opening one eye. "Why is the rum gone?" Mentally cursing whichever member of the Pearl that had the gall to sneak into the captain's quarters and purloin his bottle, he sat up.

He noticed his surroundings weren't what he expected – instead of the rough, stained wood that made up his cabin and the lumpy mattress that made up his bed, he was in an almost cheery wallpapered room with a soft, downy mattress and the faint smell of flowers in the air.

"Maybe too much rum," Jack said to himself, sliding up to get out of the bed and search about the room for his affects. They were nowhere to be found, and his scarf and hair trinkets were missing as well and his beard was trimmed to respectibility. In fact, the only clothes he could find were that a merchant would wear, powdered wig and all.

"Must've bedded a married woman," Jack mumbled, but though that wasn't out of the realm of possibility, it didn't explain his own manner of dress.

Still searching for his pirate clothes, he jumped when the door swung open.

"Really, Jack, are you still abed?" Elizabeth Swann asked, with an affectionate smile on her face. "Cook's got breakfast waiting."

Jack blinked. "Lizzie, what are you doing here? More to the point, what am I doing here?"

She looked confused. "We live here. Jack, have you gotten into a bottle of rum? I told you, that is a vile drink and I don't approve."

"I wish I had. What do you mean, we live here? Where's the Pearl?"

She shrugged. "Barbosa still has it, I suppose."

"Barbosa? That backstabbing, mutinous rat has my ship?"

"Well really, Jack, you gave it to him."

"I did no such thing!"

"On the day of our wedding," Elizabeth said, absently rubbing her quite large stomach.

"Wedding? We're married? When did we get married?" Jack couldn't hide the horror in his voice, and jumped as if he had seen a ghost when he noticed the small circular band on Elizabeth's finger. "And you're in the duff?"

"Oh really, Jack, I don't have time for your games! Now come on, get dressed and come to breakfast, the children have already eaten…"

"Children? We have children? Besides that one?" he nodded to her stomach.

"Like you could forget your two girls, Jack. We keep trying for a boy, now, don't we?" She gave him a smile. "Enough. The governor will be sending for you soon."

"Wait, Lizzie, I'm not following. You mean to say I gave Barbosa my ship so that we could get married, live in a house, have a parcel of females, and I'm working for the governor?"

She smiled. "Darling, are you sure you're feeling well?"

Jack's own screams awoke him from his nightmare. Taking in the familiar surroundings of his cabin and feeling the rocking of the ship, he grabbed the bottle of rum on the table and drank it down. "Thank God."