Disclaimer: I don't
own Weiß nor Schwarz, just borrowing them in fun purpose^^ Weiß Kreuz belongs
to Koyasu Takehito, Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß. The fic contains
shonen-ai, which means boy love. It doesn't contain explicit adult material
and in that case, I should rate it PG. Please feel free to give comments.
Warnings: shonen-ai,
angst^^
Description:
Ran and Ken finally got together but then again, fate plays.
~*~*~
Dear Ken,
I know that it's
going to hurt, but please understand my position. When I confessed to you last
night, there's no more joy for me than to hear from you that you actually feel
the same. I know that somehow, you have feelings for me, and that really feels
good. But I know someday, somewhere, you would find someone better than me,
someone who is not a murder like me, someone who can loves you back and didn't
go nuts whenever he or she heard the name of 'Takatori'. And that someone is
not me for sure.
I don't want you to
misunderstand me, Ken. You know how I feel about you. If I have no certain
feelings for you, how could I confess last night? I love you Ken, I love you
with the most of my heart. You helped me get to know the beautiful world, that
life is not only revenging and killing, that there's a lot to do in this world
and my life is just once, so I must do whatever I want to do before it's too
late. You thought me all that. And I love it. You know I do.
But I met the
realization that we would never be together. Eventhough my love for you is
bigger than any other love that a person could have, we couldn't possibly be
together. It's not because of our gender is the same, and to tell you the
truth, I didn't mind at all, which I hope you also didn't think about it.
It's just that… you are still young. You still got the chance to live your
own live, unlike me who only live for Aya's sake. I am not worthy for you. And
if you didn't mind it at all, oh by God I praised you for that.
We are once separated
by the dignity in me, and now, for the second time, we're separated by another
cruel being called 'death'.
Yes, I am going to be
dead.
Since months ago, a
bad headache has attacked me with no mercy. When I went to the doctor yesterday,
just before I met you, the doctor told me that I've been suffering for brain
cancer. And it already reached stadium 4 out of 5. He told me to go a surgery
and I might be saved. When I saw his looks, deeply in my heart I know that what
he meant by 'saved' is just to live another cruel couple of years. I can't
be saved anymore. If I am strong, I can live for 2 years max after the surgery,
and if I am not that strong, I only can live for another year, which means,
going into the surgery or not, it's pointless.
The reason why I
wrote this letter and left early in the morning without telling you is that I
don't want you to be sad. In the first place, I don't mind of getting killed
by this disease, as I killed too many men and didn't worth living anymore. But
I am worried, so worried about you. I don't want to see you crying over me
just because of the death that's going to reach me soon. Please Ken, please
accept the truth and understand. I want you to go on with your life without
looking to the back because the past is the past, and I am your past. Don't
let the past of you become a stone that intrigued in your life, let it be a
strength that make you stronger. I learnt and gone through it a lot, believe me.
Although I am gone, I
want you to know that I always remember you. I'll always be with you, our
souls belong to each other, and nothing, nothing Ken, can separate it. Not even
death. We'll always be together—forever. I wrote you a lyric of song that I
sang to you last night. Please don't ever forget me, the fact that you forget
me will be the cruelest torture I would ever had.
Remember me whenever you sing this song. I already thought you the how to
sing it. And again, I will always be with you. You are the sweetest accident
I've ever had. Let us meet again in Heaven. See you.
P.S: last night is
the happiest day in my life. Thank you so much Ken, you didn't know how much I
appreciate that. Please remember Ken, I'm always be with you, I love you.
With the whole love a man could
ever give,
Fujimiya
Ran
Ken dropped the
letter.
Silence in his lips.
The sun is streaming against the cold bed. Ken didn't do anything about it, he
didn't yell, he didn't cry, he just sat on the bed. No signs of life… or
signs of 'wanting to live' in his eyes, there's only pure silent, blank
sight in his eyes.
How could he didn't
know?
Last night is so
perfect, Aya express his love for Ken. And of course, Ken greatly accepted it.
There's nothing happier in this world than the love of the redhead for Ken.
But he didn't know. Last night he thought that he's the one who can
understand Aya most… that the redhead has no more secret towards him. He's
so happy, so joyful that Aya is his now, but this…? What is this…?
Can't believe or
accept the truth, Ken still sat on the bed. His legs were crying for a run, he
wanted to run all over Japan to find Aya. He wanted to face Aya and kissed him
and says that nothing's going to be changed. But he can't. When his legs
wanted to run and find Aya, his heart is afraid, VERY afraid for the truth. He
didn't want to know the truth. Because what if the truth is…
What if the truth is
Aya is going to be dead and he can't do a single thing about it?
Ken shuddered. Is
this how Aya felt all the time? Is this why he can't stop blaming himself? And
how Ken easily said that 'you are not guilty' to Aya, without experiencing
the pain. Words are easy to be said, but acts are hard to accomplish. Ken felt
he shivered right down to his very spine. It's pure torture. How Ken wished
that he could see Aya and asked for Aya's forgiveness. For the pain and
scratches that Ken made in Aya's heart without even noticing it, and worse,
thinking that he did the best for Aya, that he understand Aya's feeling
despite the truth that he doesn't.
But it was too late.
Aya's gone. And Ken didn't know where Aya would be going. What's more
painful than this?
Silently, like an
angel touched the envelope, a piece of paper fell just next to Ken's bare
feet. Ken noticed the paper and picked it up. He could feel himself trembling
caused by the fear of knowing, the fear of more truth and more pain. But he has
to pick, he just has to. He looked at the paper, it's a purplish velvet
coloured paper with neat handwritings on it. He recognized it. It was Aya's
handwriting. It was the lyric of song that Aya mentioned in the letter.
Ken remembered last
night when Aya was singing for him from the bed. He sang so sadly and Ken loved
it. Aya insisted in teaching Ken the melody—only, now Ken remembers it all.
When Ken asked why he sang the song with so sad, heart breaking voice, Aya just
smiled to him. The smile should have explained everything. Everything. It has
thousands of expressions in it and none in them, that Ken could think off, has
the meaning of 'death' inside it. Maybe it is, but Ken would refuse to
accept it. And now how he regretted not to.
Ken bit his lips. He
silently read the lyric with agony.
Send
Me To Heaven With Your Smile
Especially
made for Hidaka Ken by Fujimiya Ran
This
is the real good bye
My
love please do not cry
Do
me a favor,
Send
me to Heaven with your smile
I
don't want tears to fall
I
hate to see you cry
Please
accept Lord's willing
Do
not cry for me
My
beloved friend this is the end
My
faith is to go soon
Please
do not ask me why
Cause
I don't have the answer
Call
me the foolest man
In
all around the world
Please
let me go in reliefness
Send
me to heaven with your smile
My
beloved friend this is the end
My
faith is to go soon
Please
do not ask me why
Because
I don't have the answer
My
sweet, sweet lover please do not cry
You
have to accept Lord's decisions
We
all will soon be dead
But
I don't mind, I don't mind at all if I could be dead
By
heaven in your smile
So
please send me to Heaven, oh by Heaven in your smile…
Ken couldn't take
it more than this. He burst into tears. He wailed and yelled Aya's name,
expecting for an answer but received silentness as his reply.
"A…Aya, Aya…boku
wa… boku wa kimio a… aishiteru…" he mumbled and mumbled the words of
'I love you' with pain and torture that he could barely stand, his hands
still clenched on the paper… as it is his threads of life.
The sound of painful
scream was heard from an angel who has lost his wings.
~OWARI~ (for now)